A new addition to the family...and Christmas too

I'm happy to announce we have a new addition to our family. A new pet? Nope. Far more useful. A new baby? Nope. Way more horsepower. Allow me to introduce...

The Black Hood.

We've wanted just an old, reliable, semi-beatup pickup truck for a while. One that could haul stuff around and serve as a second vehicle when the need arose (it's too cold to ride Pepe in the winter, thus the need has arose), and Black Hood was the answer. We got him from a gangster kid up in Layton who had had him for about a year but wanted a more intimidating car. Apparently Honda Civics provide the aspiring gangster with a degree of street cred the Ford Ranger just can't.

We currently call him The Black Hood, though I am looking for a different name, maybe one that doesn't sound like an unimaginative pro-wrestler from the 70's. I would love any suggestions you might have. I kind of like "The Flying Dutchman".

Oh yeah, and remind me someday to write a post on how funny it is for a kid from any Utah town to be a gangster. Except maybe for my homeboys in West Valley. And a couple places in Ogden. Word.

Anyways, Christmas was a lot of fun. We didn't take many pics, so here are the three I thought would be most interesting on a blog. Don't get your hopes up though.

Here are Grandma and Grandpa subjecting their dog to the barbaric and inhumane practice of dressing her up in a little doggy Santa suit. Notice Katie's apathy to the gruesome scene.

I should probably mention that I was the one who bought the little doggy Santa suit.

Here are Katie and I walking in a winter wonderland. She let us hike for about 5 minutes before whining so bad we had to go home.

A broader view of the aforementioned winter wonderland. I told you not to get your hopes up.

Wishing you and yours a happy Festivus season

Something I noticed today while ringing a bell in front of Wal-Mart for a half-hour...

Here it is: No one leaves Wal-Mart happy.

Serious. Not one person during the 30 minutes I stood at the entrance left with even a flicker of hope or merriment on their face.

A few people enter happy, but something in there must squash it out of them, for a morose expression rests upon the visage of all who depart. This expression ranges in intensity from a mild 'Whew, I'm glad that's over with,' to a more serious 'I need to get out of this place as soon as possible, where's my car?' all the way down to the chilling scowl of 'I hate you and everyone around me. But most of all I hate my own life, which has become as dismal and empty as the heartless corporation I've just supported.'

Just something I noticed.

Reason #17 Why it's Better to be a Man Than a Woman...

Passive Aggression.

Ok, first a disclaimer:

I am fully aware that this and other "Why it's Better to be a Man Than a Woman" (or WIBBAMTAW) posts are blatant generalizations and are by no means representative of the entire female population. However, there are certain tendencies I have seen displayed by enough members of said population that I believe they merit mentioning, which is where WIBBAMTAW comes from. I welcome and even encourage a "Why it's better to be a Woman than a Man" (or WIBBAWTAM) rebuttal from a female reader, but only if you have a reason that is at least comparable with Reason #1 of Why it's Better to be a Man Than a Woman, which is, of course, that we can pee standing up.

All right, now that that's out of the way...

Let me start with a story. When I was about 12, me and two friends were walking through a large grass field near my house. Me and one friend were engaged in the usual male pastime of joking around and insulting each other, when he went too far and started making fun of my cat. Being a firm believer in the awesomeness of my cat, I punched him. He punched me back. We then duked it out while friend #2 cheered us on. We both went home mad. The next day, we were hanging out again.

The end.

I tell this story because it has two great lessons for women. First, if something someone is doing bothers you, let them know. Whether its verbally, in written form, or a smack to the face, communicate to them somehow that you don't like what they are doing. Second, get on with your life.

Working in HR, I deal with a lot of drama. This drama is almost entirely female related. In fact, research has shown that 95% of drama in the workplace is created by women*. It has been my experience that most of this drama could be avoided if one or both sides would have actually just told each other what was bothering them in the first place.

An example (as always, I've changed all identifying details):

I did an exit interview a while back with a woman who had left one of our offices. On asking her what had led to this, she launched into a 50 minute diatribe (would have been longer, but I had to cut her off) detailing every slight, misfortune, and hardship imposed upon her by her boss (who also happened to be a woman) and co-workers over the 6 years she worked there. She mentioned everything from other employees not doing their duties and messing up the workflow to how a certain co-worker would occasionally give her "crusties". When I asked what the manager had said when she brought these issues up with her, she said they had never spoken about it. When I asked how the co-workers reacted when she brought up their neglected duties, she said she never had. Apparently her way of dealing with this hellish environment wasn't to address the problems, but to engage in a series of strange, clandestine passive-aggressive actions that would indirectly get back at her co-workers for her (i.e. making the ones she didn't like go all the way to the front desk to receive their faxes instead of putting them in their boxes for them.)

"Great. So it was bad environment, you're out of it now, found a new job, will never see anyone from that office again. Can I share your comments with them so we can make sure this doesn't happen to anyone in the future?"

"Oh no! Please don't do that! I don't want them to know I said something mean about them!"

Spectacular. So instead of confronting someone with your feelings, you'd rather wallow in misery, humiliation, and frustration in a stressful, underpaid position FOR 6 YEARS, then ultimately quit. And still not let them know how you feel.

And I get these all the time. I don't know that I've ever had a male ex-employee ask me not to share his comments. They usually say, "Sure, I've already told them all this anyway."

Another example, this one from out of the workplace:

There were two girls I was friends with. They hung out all the time, talked about boys, best friends forever, all that stuff. One day one said something that the other didn't like. Instead of telling her that, the second friend went to a group of mutual friends, told them the horrible things the other had said (perhaps exaggerating a point or two), and turned them all against the first friend. That was over 10 years ago. They still haven't spoken to this day.

Now here's the funny thing: Many women will say the reason they don't confront (or fight) friends/co-workers/family who they are mad at is because they don't want to be mean. They also scoff at the male method of duking it out, deeming it immature and barbaric. So what do they do instead? Emotionally and mentally mutilate the person.

Give the cold shoulder, pretend they don't exist, start gossip and spread lies about them, act like they are friends, then stab them in the back as soon as they leave the room. Or, as Elaine in Seinfeld summed it up: "We just make fun of them until they develop an eating disorder."

Which is more damaging to a person? Really, where's the logic in 'I'd never punch my best friend, but I'm fine with beating and ripping her apart emotionally'? Can someone explain this?

Well hey, as long as no one is getting harmed physically, I guess you're ok.

Anyways, I saw this video clip on the internet about a year ago.

Now that is an admirable demonstration of how NOT to give in to passive aggression. Lady #1 is not happy with what Lady #2 is saying, so she shows, quite clearly, how she feels about it. Lady #2, who is more startled than hurt, receives immediate feedback on how her actions are effecting Lady #1. Daughter of Lady #1 gets to see her mom in action and has something to tell her friends about the next day. Lady #1 gets to go home that night and not think about what she should have said or done, Lady #2 knows exactly where she stands with Lady #1, and we all get an entertaining video. It's a win-win all around.

Cheers to you, Lady #1.

And that is why it's better to be a man than a woman.



*I read that on Wikipedia somewhere, so it must be true**.


**Ok, I didn't actually read that anywhere. And things written on Wikipedia are rarely true.

Bitter defeat...

So I lost to Sorro, 14-11. I'm not too disappointed by this, because Sorro has the heart of a champion and will represent our homeland well in the title bout. I also realized I'm happy not having my mind so devoted to meaningless trivia that I would know the answer to questions like, What Lionel Richie video featured a blind artist sculpting his head? or, Who was the producer for New Edition and New Kids on the Block?

The whole thing is rigged, anyway.

Or not...

Pop Culture Showdown Two Thousand Diggity-Seven

This is to announce that tonight I will be participating in Cheeth's Pop Culture Showdown Tow Thousand Diggity-Seven, where I will be going up against fellow Provo High alum and political pundit Sorro, whose boundless knowledge of 24 and reality tv minutia I do fear.

The winner of this showdown will then go on to get their butt handed to them in a paper bag in the title bout by some guy named Aaron.

I'm excited. I've always had an impressive though ultimately useless talent for retaining pop culture information (read: I can quote nearly every Homestar Runner cartoon verbatim, without ever having put forth a serious effort to do so), and it will be good to at last have a forum to test out this meaningless gift. Though if we stray too far into music or tv shows from either the 70's or today, I'm in trouble. If possible, I'd like the questions to gravitate mainly around U2, video games, college football, and perhaps Saved By The Bell.

If you want to join in, all you need is Google Talk (can download for free) and to request DerekWessman@gmail.com as a friend. The showdown begins tonight at 7:45 MST. The last one was pretty fun and a good time was had by all.

Wish me luck.

Edit: Oh yeah. And Derek, if you don't want your e-mail up here let me know and I'll take it down.

The Weatherman

How come the weatherman can mess up as much as he wants and not face consequences? Seriously, why do we as a society tolerate this gross incompetence?

(And by weatherman I mean weather.com, the weather section in every newspaper, the national weather service, and whatever quack is appearing on your local news.)

For about 4 days straight we received winter snow warnings, telling us to expect 3-8 inches of snow each day. So I'm all excited, ready to bust out my snow gear and...

1 inch.

That's all we got.

The entire week.

I can recall the last huge storm we got. It was last year. About 16 inches in a 24 hour period. The town just about closed down. I actually skied to work during a blizzard. When I got there 30 minutes later (skiing to work isn't as easy nor efficient as I had hoped) I checked out weather.com for that day:

Partly cloudy. 20% chance of snow.

The blizzard continued for the rest of that day.

Now, if you're a doctor and you misdiagnose a patient, you've got a pretty good chance of getting sued. If you're a mechanic and you're wrong about a car problem, the customer can come back and demand a refund. If you're the weatherman you can come on the news, give a forecast that is so bad it makes Bill Walton's NBA playoff predictions look insightful, and...

Nothing happens.

The next day everyone tunes in again. And then is oddly surprised when it doesn't come out the way you said it would.

This is amazing to me. Nighttime newscasts frequently ignore things like global nuclear proliferation treaties and scientific developments that would have blown away Newton, yet we still zealously reserve a running 6 minute segment every night for these quacks and their GREEN SCREENS OF LIES.

Why is that? What is wrong with us?

Of course, the weatherman-apologist will reply, "Well, the weather is such an intricate, complex system that it is extremely difficult for anyone to say what will happen from one minute to the next. Even with the advancements in technology we have, it is nearly impossible to predict."

Exactly! So why pretend that you can?

I just think every weather forecast should begin with the disclaimer: "Please note that we really have no idea what's going to happen with the weather. These forecasts are given only for entertainment and to maintain tradition. Much like the English stripping the royalty of their power but keeping them around anyway. Do not take any of the following seriously."

And then the camera would go to Kevin Eubanks, who would cheerfully pipe in with, "Thanks, Debbie! Here's your forecast for today folks..."

If you think about it, the only thing the weatherman can really tell you is what the weather is like right now. So if that's what you want, you should tune in, flip open the paper, or bring up weather.com.

Or you could just go outside.

And yes, I too am astonished that I wrote this much about the weatherman.

Guns don't kill people.

People kill people.

Unfortunately, they use guns to do it.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/09/church.shooting.ap/index.html#cnnSTCText

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16981171

Viva Las Santas

Here's a quick video I put together from the Santa Run, serenaded by the King himself.

Reference Checks

Reference checks are always fun. We ask for professional references, but every now and then you get someone who can't think of enough, so they put down their best friend from elementary school or their own mom (thinking that, because she has a new last name from a second marriage, it's never going to come up in our conversation).

These are the funnest calls to make, the best-friend-as-reference, because they all seem to follow the same general pattern:


ME- Hi, this is so and so from ABC Company (not my actual name and company). We've had an applicant put you down as a reference. Do you have a minute to talk to me about _____?

OTHER PERSON- (A brief silence as they realize the thing their friend drilled them about the night before is actually happening. You can almost feel the phrases they practiced going through their mind.)

Oh...yeah. No problem. (Voice usually deepening a bit to sound more professional and picks up a slightly nervous edge)

ME- Great. So what can you tell me about _____?

OTHER PERSON then goes on to extol the virtues of the friend in question, using every cliche and business buzz-word they imagine a fancy company would put on a performance evaluation. Things like, "She always gives 110%" or, "A real team-player!" or, "Would be a valuable asset to any organization."

ME- Great. What insights can you give me on ____'s work ethic?

OTHER PERSON- "Ummmm..." (Another pause as their mind races. Usually they then just repeat what they said before, making sure to hit each buzz-word again.)

ME- All right, let me just write that down. Excellent. And how do you know _____?

OTHER PERSON- (Usually relaxes noticeably at this question)

Oh, she dated my roommate last year and we used to play Mario Kart together whenever she came over.

ME- Wonderful. Thanks for your time; I am now going to light myself on fire.


Of course these kind of references aren't worth much, as even O.J. Simpson could find three people who would say nice things about him.

They're fun calls to make though.

The Great Santa Run part II

So the next time I'm at a party and they're playing the game where you have to say something you've done and everyone who hasn't done that thing has to get up and frantically find a new seat, I think I've got a winner: I once ran down Las Vegas Boulevard with 10,000 people dressed up as Santa Claus.

It was a fun time. Surprisingly enough I don't have much to say about it. We started at the Fremont Street Experience (the older, more crappier casinos' answer to the glit and glamour of the Strip), ran down Las Vegas Boulevard, zig-zagged a few blocks, then ran down Fremont Street and finished at the entrance of the FSE. It was hard to get to and I hate driving in Vegas.

We did get to see our good friends the Sidwells, though, which is always fun. The baby served as wake-up call at 12:07AM, 1:22, 2:30, then from 2:45 until we decided we might as well be in the car not sleeping than in bed not sleeping and packed up to make the drive home, around 3:20. The Sids are good sports.

Here are some pickys.

The vast Cathedral of Babylon that is the Fremont Street Experience.


The UNLV football team was there helping out. I suppose not having a bowl game to prepare for freed up their December schedule a bit.

Perhaps one of the few occasions where you can put your dog in an outfit and not come across as an old grandma. And yes, mom, I'm looking your way.

This is Reindeer Sleigh Santa. He had an entire box strapped onto his front. I'm guessing this is what being pregnant is like, but only if you had gas and the reindeer repeatedly kicked you.

Of the various incarnations of Santa, perhaps none was as polarizing as Brett Farve Santa. His passing elicited every cheer and jeer from "Go Packers!" to "Packers suck. Go Cowboys!" to "Go Sasketchewan RoughRiders, East Division championship team from the CFL!"

Serious. Some lady said that.

Our merry crew of Santa runners: (from left to right: Bald Santa, Cheesy Santa, Homeless Drunk Santa, In-a-Constant-State-of-Bewilderment Santa, and High School Musical Santa)

Strangely enough, one of the highlights of the morning for me was this Elvis impersonator's rendition of Viva, Las Vegas. It was touching, really.

The start of the race. We were so far back we didn't start moving for about a minute. And we were probably in the first quarter of all participants.

All in all it was a good time, though I'm not sure I'll do it next year. Vegas has too much traffic, too much hustle and bustle, and I always come away from there with a cynical disdain for mankind.

I did get a free Santa suit though.

Update: It looks like we broke the record, though apparently some charity in the UK is posed to break it again this weekend. I actually care very little, what with my plans to break the record for longest balancing a poodle in an Abraham Lincoln costume on your head while taking a bath in Strawberry-Kiwi Snapple while singing the words to Led Zeppelin's Ramble On backwards buoying me up. Viva La Pointless World Records!

The Great Santa Race

Tomorrow we leave for Vegas to participate in the Great Santa Run, a race sponsored by a charity called Opportunity Village that helps people with intellectual handicaps lead normal lives. It's a 5K starting on Fremont Street and ending...I'm assuming on Fremont Street. The funnest part is that each of the 10,000+ runners is dressed up as Santa Claus (they give you a free Santa suit at sign-in), so you have an otherwise trashy, drab Vegas street momentarily transformed into Christmas joy as a deluge of scarlet St. Nick's go running by.

Apparently they're also trying to break the world record for the largest gathering of Santas ever in one spot. So Guinness will be there. Consequently, this will be the third Guinness World Record attempt I've inadvertently been a part of in just 6 months. And, surprisingly enough, the least stupid.

Also, Sigfried and Roy are the honorary grand-marshals.

I won't lie to you. The most exciting part of this for me isn't the race, the world-record, or even the chance to help out a deserving charity. It's the free Santa suit.

Needless to say, this has the potential to be the best for-charity, set in the desert dressed as Santa Claus, surrounded by 10,000 other idiots trying to set a meaningless world record 5K grand-marshaled by two homosexual magicians, one of whom was mauled by a rare White Tiger that I've ever been in. Wish me luck!


Oh yeah, and Cheeth - I totally won your "Name that Quote" from a few days ago and I want my ramen. Go check your comments.

The word "knave" isn't part of the American vernacular anymore...

Just thought I would warn you, so you don't make the same mistake I did.

HOLY CRAP

Have you read about the latest police tasering to make waves on the news and on YouTube, the one mentioned by Sorro not long ago? I was just reading up on it online when, suddenly, the realization hit me like a taser to the back:

The taseree and the pregnant wife are friends of ours.

They moved out of town about a year ago so he could take a job around Vernal.

They are intelligent, educated, immensely friendly people.

I'm amazed by this. Bewildered. It's not every day you find out the faceless person in the most recent police-maltreatment story is someone you know, someone you've gone to church with, babysat for, been to their house for a Christmas party.

Suddenly they have a face.

Holy crap.

Needless to say I'm mad. Even before I knew who they were, this looked like another overreaction by the police. I'll admit that Jared definitely didn't help the situation, but did he deserve to be tasered? Isn't that reserved for someone who is wild, frantic, beyond reason? He was calm, rational - maybe even moreso than the officer. I'm one who usually gives the cops the benefit of a doubt, but now I'm just disgusted.

What is the procedure here? Is not signing your ticket so grievous an offense that a tasering is justified? Are you even required by law to sign the ticket? Doesn't the cop have to tell you how fast you were going? I really want to understand this - does anyone know the protocol here?

Here's the video:

Snopes.com

Ever get those e-mail forwards that alert you to a vast left-wing/right-wing/homosexual/transexual/heterosexual/metrosexual/governmental/ anarchist/Jewish/ Catholic/Muslim/Hindu/Mormon/Iraqi/Pagan/Soviet/ hollywood/Clinton/white/black/asian/ vegetarian/union/tobacco industry/car industry/meat industry/NRA/Al Quaeda/Florida Citrus Council conspiracy in the form of "In God We Trust" being removed from our currency or barcodes being the long prophesied Mark of the Beast?

If you don't already, check Snopes.com the next time you get one of these. Chances are whatever vast goverment cover-up someone's intrepid uncle exposed is actually an e-mail hoax that has been going on for years and has mutated into several different versions.

I love this site. Any e-mail or story you hear that sounds sensational is worth researching with them. I've probably checked up on around 15 sensational e-mails or urban legends using Snopes. Turns out all but one have been bogus.

Here are a few of my favorites:

The "Microsoft/AOL/Apple will give us all a million dollars if you forward this" e-mail.

The "If we all don't buy gas on a certain day, oil companies will buckle and lower the price of gas permanently and all forms of evil on earth will turn into flowers and rainbows" e-mail.

The gangs-using-headlights-to-initiate-new-members hoax. The longevity of this one is impressive. I remember police warning us about this in high school more than 10 years ago.

And, of course, the "Harry Potter is converting children to devil worship" hysteria, which can largely be traced back to an article from The Onion. The funniest part about this is the fact that whatever hysterical, well-intentioned yet hopelessly ignorant mom originally wrote the e-mail didn't find it odd that High Priest Egan would use the word 'gravy' to express his excitement at the large number of virgins joining his church. Simply outstanding.

Men vs. Women Drivers

The majority of guys will tell you women are much worse at driving than men are. I disagree. I think men and women are equally bad at driving. We just get there in different ways.

When women do something stupid while driving it's accidental, usually because they weren't paying attention or they made a bad spatial or timing judgement. When men do something stupid, it's intentional. We know it's not a good idea, but we're going to do it anyway.

For instance, a woman will cut you off, causing you to slam on your brakes and risk losing control of your car, because she gave only a cursory glance (if she gave one at all) over her shoulder to check her blind spot. A man will cut you off, causing you to slam on your brakes and risk losing control of your car, simply because he wanted to be in front of you.

I'm not sure which is worse. Though men get frustrated that some women don't seem to have the mental capacity for good driving, we in turn may have the capacity but don't use it. What does that say about us?

As validation of this point I would bring up the fact that insurance companies charge more to insure young men than young women. Not because men are worse drivers, but because they know men are going to try stupider things. For instance, you never see women pulling this kind of crap:

What Not to Say in an Interview: Honorable Mentions

When I wrote the post on the Top 3 Things You Shouldn't Say in an Interview, there were a few gems that didn't make it in. I think they deserve a mention, though, so here you go. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.


Question I asked: Tell me one thing you learned from the first job you ever had.
Applicants Answer: How to manipulate the system.

Me: So that's the gist of the job. Do you have any questions for me?

Applicant: Yes. I'm currently under the protection of the Federal Government. They may come to me in the middle of the night someday and have me move out of state, and I won't be able to come back to work. Is that a problem?

Question I asked: What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Answers I've received:

I'm bipolar.

I don't like people.

I'm almost always late.

I have depression.

Question I asked: Think back to a time where you had to deal with someone - a client, co-worker, boss, whoever - that was a hard person to communicate with. Please tell me what you did to overcome this and resolve the problem.

Applicant (this was for a computer position): Well, one day I got a call about a computer that was broken. I was sick, so I told them to hold the phone up to the computer. Then I told the computer, 'Look, I'm sick today. I don't feel like coming in. I fixed you just last week and I know you're ok, so I need you to stop being stupid and work. Will you do that for me?' And then (candidate fixes me with smug expression), it worked. I fixed it just by doing that.


And the granddaddy of them all...

During one particular interview, the applicant continually steered the conversation towards an abusive relationship they had been in. Your job as an HR professional (for both legal and professional reasons) is to steer it away from personal issues and keep strictly to what is relevant for that position. In an attempt to do this, I said:

"Please tell me about an important goal you've set for yourself and accomplished in the past. What steps did you take to insure that you would be successful?"

At this, the applicant launched into yet another lengthy jeremiad on the abusive spouse, the majority of which I apparently have blocked from memory. I do remember the last part, however:

"And when [the spouse] finally got a gun and SHOT ME IN THE HEAD [emphasis added], I decided I had to get out of there. That was a goal I set for myself."

Wow.

What do you say to that as an interviewer? Of course you want to say how awful that is or express concern for the person, but that's what you have to stay away from. So how do you possibly follow up a statement like that?

Er...so you'd say your greatest strength is...your skull's ability to withstand bullets?


And that is why my job is always interesting.

Cheerleaders: Do we really need them?

Warning: The following post is critical of cheer leading, so if you are/were/want to be a cheerleader, or have deep feelings about this obsolete fossil of Americana, you may want to read something else instead. Might I recommend my riveting piece on the whereabouts of Chunk?

Why do we have cheerleaders? No, really? Why are they there?

I have a buddy who is a sportswriter for the local university. He needed help keeping stats for a football invitational being held at the school the other day, so I went along with him. It was good times: sitting with reporters and higher-ups in that modern-day Mount Olympus of the sporting world, the press box; listening to the off-mike commentary of the announcer (a jovial, rotund man of Southern heritage with a hic accent and a keen, Jon Stewart-esque wit); and watching some fun, surprisingly engaging (even if it was sloppy) football. These things, mixed together with the enthusiasm of the crowd, the beautiful fall day, and the picturesque surroundings, combined for one of the more transcendent sports experiences of my life. There was only one thing that didn't quite fit, like an off-key note in a beautiful harmony...

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN!" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN!" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Every time one of the teams scored, their cheerleaders would turn, face the crowd, and let loose with this gem of cheerleadery:

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN! (in an even, monotone voice)" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Now, it's not that this specific cheer was lame (which it was), it's that just about everything cheerleaders do is pointless and unimaginative. I mean, other than the acrobatics (which are fun to watch and keep the crowds' interest during time outs) I don't see anything they do that would justify their existence. They're even worse on TV. Example:

We've just come back from commercial at the Texas-Oklahoma game. They show an uncomfortably close close-up of a Texas cheerleader (nose hairs and 2 inches of makeup clearly visible) who claps her pom-poms together mindlessly and says: "Go Longhorns!" We stay on her. She claps more. After three seconds, she again says "Go Longhorns!" More clapping. More vacant smiling. 3 more seconds. "Go Longhorns!" Repeat 5 more times.

And this happens at least 82 times a game.

It just seems the whole concept of cheer leading is outdated and misguided. Two more quick illustrations:

• The home team is getting crushed. Absolutely demolished. The only people who are still around are the parents of the athletes, and they're checking with other parents to see if their kid can get a ride home. Inevitably the cheerleaders will line up and give three or four cheers about how awesome/unbeatable/indestructible their team is, something along the lines of "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, Hillcrest Huskies can't be beat. NO WAY!" Do they not realize this isn't the best time to cheer about how invincible the team is? When you're getting your butt kicked?



• At my high school they came up with the following cheer for the basketball team: every time we made a free-throw, we would say: "Shoot - that ball - and through the hoop it falls - so Swoosh! IN YOUR FACE!" We were to say this last part with special fervor and then shake our hands at the opposing school in rhythm with IN YOUR FACE. Here's the problem: that's not a short cheer. Everyone got sick of it after about 3 minutes into the game. More importantly, it's ridiculous to taunt the other team after scoring ONE point in a game where the final scores are typically in the 70's or 80's. "Hey! We just scored 1 point! So now we're only losing by sixteen instead of seventeen! IN YOUR FACE, renobs!"

And I guess that's the root of what bugs me most about cheerleaders: they don't seem to know anything about sports. I mean, do they even understand what's going on during the games? Do they know that you only get one point for a free throw? Or what a field goal is? Or where you could locate the catcher on a baseball diamond>

Now, I'm not saying that we should get rid of cheer leading altogether - it fills a vital role in determining social hierarchy among American adolescents, and we need to know who the cool kids are. No. I'm just saying that perhaps it is time for an overhaul. If we're going to further the objectification of women, we at least want to have something to show for it, right?

So here are some suggestions on how to make cheer leading relevant:

1. Cheerleaders should be actual sports fans. You know, actually enjoy sports. To judge this, cheerleader hopefuls would be asked a series of sports questions as part of their tryouts. The questions could be as simple as: The NBA, the NFL, and MLB. Which one of these has to to with football? or, Who is Barry Bonds and what sport does he play? Bonus question: Why is his head as big as it is? (There are 2 correct answers), or, Name 1 person who has played for the Jazz other than Karl Malone, John Stockton, and the tall Russian guy with weird hair.
   
   
2. Learn some new acrobatics. You ever seen that family of Chinese midget acrobats? Now those guys are cool.
   
   
3. Cheerleaders should heckle. Just think - what if, at the beginning of each game, the cheerleaders chose one player on the other team (preferably a good one), and made it their mission to get inside his head and throw him off his game (ala Cheeth's epic heckling stories from high school)? Taunts, jeers, goat sounds every time he got the ball, whatever. Wouldn't this add a fun new dynamic to the game?



4. A residual benefit of the above plan would be that suddenly the most obnoxious, clever, and full-voiced individuals at our high schools and colleges would find themselves in high demand, a premium placed the talents which had previously gone underutilized by the theatre and drama departments. This in turn would help reduce eating disorders and the consumption of anti-depressants among our youth and help alleviate global warming.
   
   
5. They could actually learn cheers that are relevant for that specific moment in the game.
   
   

Those are just a few ideas. I hope this didn't come across as cheerleader bashing, because that wasn't the intent. I'm just suggesting they step it up a notch. You know, think outside the box and bring the thing into the 21st century. They've got to be capable of more than inane cheers and giving teenage boys something to gawk at.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooo Cougars!!!



(p.s. my favorite part of this posting was the triumphant return of the phrase "renob".)

Job Interview

Just once I'd like to do an interview like this. Just to get out of the routine and keep things interesting.

Pet Peeve: Cell Phones

I think our obsession with cell phones is pretty funny. I should start with the disclaimer that the wife and I don't have a cell phone. I know this is akin to saying we also don't use electricity at home and pee outside, but I am not ashamed. If I asked, my work would get me a free Blackberry and pay for service, but I have no desire to have one.

Now, I concede that they are handy little devices and that there have been a few situations where one would have been incredibly useful to us, but in the end I think they're just one more item intended to make life easier but have only made it more complicated.

Here are my cell phone pet-peeves:

• "Yeah, so the other day we're on our way to the.......and.........can you...... CAN YOU HEAR ME? Sorry, I'm.........bad service ove..........we go...... brrggghtt....... jommm.....fellldmalsdjfoasdfjlk.................................................................................... ........................................................................................................Call you....ack."


• People texting while they drive. Apparently some kid up in Salt Lake hit and killed a couple people because he was busy texting while driving. The cops checked his cell-phone record and found he had been texting for 20 minutes before the accident. Now he's being charged with Vehicular Manslaughter.

got2go cops here pwned! 10yrsprsn :( c u ltr

• When you call someone up, get sent to voice mail, you leave a long, detailed message, then as soon as you hang up you get a call from that person. And they didn't bother to listen to your message.


• "You there? Ok, sorry about that, I don't get good service unless I'm standing in the middle of Salt Lake. Anyways, like I was saying, the other day we.........blaaakkkhht............to the treeeeemmupphh....................DRGT................................. BLORK............................KERMOCK ......................................................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................call you....ack."


• "Hey, sorry we didn't call you back those three times you called us. We're out of minutes until next Saturday." Anyone who has ever said any version of this needs to seriously rethink their life.


• People on their cell at a restaurant or something who talk louder on the phone than they would to someone standing 2 feet away. Like we all want to hear what's going on.


• On that same note, going out to dinner or having friends over who repeatedly answer their cell during the course of the evening. We had one friend the other day who spent at least 35 minutes of the hour we were together answering four different calls. I think socializing in the future will consist mainly of conference calls.


• When you call someones cell phone, you KNOW they have caller ID, you KNOW they even have a special ring-tone set up JUST for your number, then they say, "Oh hey! How are you?" like they're surprised it's you. I love this.


• "Hey, me again. Sorry, here.........bad...........eption...............I............it's bad..........SHHIIIGGGGGTTTT!.....................all you ack...."


• Most numbers I get on resumes are for cell phones. When the above happens during an interview, I hang up and move on to the next candidate.

And my biggest pet-peeve about cell phones:

• You call someone up (this happens all the time both at work and with friends). They answer, you're about to start talking, then they cut you off with "Oh, sorry, can I call you back? I don't have time to talk right now."

WHY'D YOU ANSWER THE PHONE THEN? Why pick it up at all if you're just going to tell the person, "Sorry, I can't talk right now"?!? What's the point? If only they could come up with some sort of device that could answer your phone for you. You know, if you're busy and don't have time to talk. Like a machine or something.....A Machine of Answering, as it were. That would be great. Maybe someday....

Can you honestly say your cell phone has made your life easier? Does the convenience of being able to call anyone at anytime (unless of course one or both of you aren't getting service. Which seems to be more than half the time) compensate for alienating your friends, becoming a slave to usage rules, making our roads more dangerous, and having to listen to the inane conversations of insufferable strangers? Is it?

If so, more power to you. Me? I'll stick with having a home phone that I seldom answer.

Halloween

Pics from Halloween.

Despite John McEnroe and his afro winning the poll, I ended up going as Pop-Eye (I couldn't find the right stuff for John and when I do that costume, it's got to be done right). Maybe next year.

Here we are: a baby chicken, a fairy, and Pop-Eye. I've decided every year we should find the three most random, unrelated costumes we can. For instance, next year we could be John McEnroe, a carrot, and Mother Theresa.

Anyone have any completely random costume ideas for 3 people, one of whom is a toddler? And I mean three things that are just weird to have together? Whoever has the best idea will receive a very special prize.

Some kid we took a picture of. I think she thought we were trying to steal her candy.

The baby. Being all cute again.

Severed Head man.

We went to Amy's aunt's place in St. George, where the entire neighborhood goes overboard in their Halloween festivities and it is a lot of fun. The house next door does a free spook alley, where about 400 people showed up and waited in line. Amy's aunt and uncle bring the BBQ out, set up tables, and serve hotdogs and burgers to everyone who wants one while severed head man (who you can see hiding between the two tables above) freaks out the young and gullible.

When I grow up, this is where I want to live.

Whatever happened to Chunk...?

As I was driving to work this morning on my scooter, gliding alongside trees bedecked in their magnificent fall colors and enjoying the crisp air of a fresh autumn morning, the following question ran through my mind:

Whatever happened to Chunk?

I mean, the kid was a good actor and gave a performance that most of our generation would consider landmark, nay, iconic, yet we haven't seen him since The Goonies.

Which is weird. Mikey went on to become Rudy and Frodo's best friend (not to mention his inspiring performance in Encino Man), Data became Indiana Jones' sidekick, even Corey Haim (or Flenderson or whatever. I don't care enough to look it up) made his mark on the world, peaking with The Burbs (my favorite line in the movie: Hey Pinocchio, where you going?!). But what happened to Chunk?

It just seems like a question we need to be asking ourselves.

The Career Fair Sandwich

So last week was the SUU Fall Career Fair. I've gone to a dozen or so fairs at different universities since I started this job. My duty is to find and interview candidates for the various positions we have (currently a programmer, I.T. help desk, accountant, and sales intern). While I used to look forward to career fairs, this time I found myself eagerly hoping I could find someone else to take my place.

You see, career fairs are tiring affairs. They're actually a lot like your wedding reception: you stand in one spot for several hours, you shake hands and talk to random people (most of whom you don't know), you answer the same 3 questions over and over again ('So how did you two meet?', 'What are your plans now?', and 'So where is the honeymoon?' versus 'What does your company do?', 'Can I have some of this candy?', and 'Do you have any jobs for History majors? No? Are you sure? Nothing at all?!! @#@*! What have I done with my life?!?), and, just like at your wedding reception, by the end you're dead tired and just want to get away.

You usually end up with a few good candidates and it's fun to talk to people (I got invited out to a few bars at the Cal State Chico fair), but the novelty has worn off and career fairs have become routine.

But as the fair began with no relief in sight, I realized that there are certain things you can count on at every fair that make them interesting, even blog-worthy. I spent the next 6 hours trying to pick these things out and, to my surprise, ended up having a lot of fun.

So here they are, my favorite sights and scenes from your average career fair:

The Target Entourage

Every fair I've been to has seen a robust delegation from our friends at Target. Apparently their recruiting strategy involves bringing so many company reps that they actually outnumber the students in the school, thus enabling recruitment via sheer intimidation.

These guys are awesome. They're mostly young, just out of college themselves, and, I'm guessing, single, as they spend most of the time standing in a big circle in front of their booth and talking to each other. This particular tactic, redolent of the "cool kid circle" in high school, is quite effective in deterring any would-be candidate from actually approaching the table and, you know, getting information.

And they give out these cool collapsible Frisbees.

Las Vegas Police Department

Most companies bring something to put on their table that will attract attention and facilitate conversation. For example, Disney will bring little toys with Disney characters on them. The BLM will bring furs of native animals. The police department?

AUTOMATIC RIFLES.

That's right. You walk up to their table and displayed quite prominently is an enormous AK47. I don't think they even have pamphlets. They let the assault rifle do the talking.

Which I love. Because apparently this is the thought process that led to the gun being there:

Hmmm....Many young males like guns, so if we put an extremely large gun on our table it will attract young males, thus providing us with the opportunity to recruit them.

And those are definitely the type of people we want in our police departments. People who are attracted by large, pretty guns.

Marines

These guys are always fun. They wear their fatigues and walk around looking quite stiff and uncomfortable, as though they consider the lack of discipline and seriousness in everyone around them a personal affront on their dignity. Then, whenever some confused, unwitting student accidentally wanders down their dark corner of the ballroom, they go after him like he's the log wall in the boot-camp obstacle course.

"Hey, you want to join the Marines? Why not? Are you scared? Do you hate freedom? Yeah, keep walking. We don't want you anyway."

The poor, poor, IRS lady

Would there be a harder organization to recruit for than the IRS? Is that possible? I always feel bad for this lady. If the Career Fair was an enormous high school dance, she'd be the poor chubby kid with extremely bad B.O. that no one will come within 10 feet of.

She needs some I.R.S. yo-yo's to hand out or something. That would overcome the negative reputation garnered from decades of oppression.

Possibility Forge Guy

Of all the career fair sights, Possibility Forge Guy is possibly my favorite. He's been to every Utah fair I've been to and I might have seen him in Boise State as well. Picture a thin, medium sized man in his early thirtees with a prominent Adam's Apple who could potentially pass as Warren Jeffs' younger brother. Now imagine that guy sitting behind a table with a cheap, vinyl sign that reads 'Possibility Forge' hanging from the long side of the table. Now picture him working on a laptop for 6 hours straight, taking notice of the world around him perhaps once every hour or so. That's Possibility Forge Guy.

Once I was set up right across him. I didn't see him talk to ONE person the entire time. Not one.

And this is what makes him so fascinating. Why does he come? Why even show up? Why not get a cardboard cutout of yourself and tape business cards to it? At least then people would stop and take notice. That's actually not a bad idea.

What is the Possibility Forge, you ask? I don't know. He explained it to me once, but I'm still not sure. Something to do with programming.


Other observations

• Before this one started SUU had all the employers meet in a large room for "breakfast" (3 platters of donuts) and a small meeting. The new VP of Student Services came out and welcomed us. Part of her opening included the comment, "You know, I've found that the college experience is often about the students." It's good to know that the senior administration at my alma-mater, the people in charge of spending tuition and student fees, realize that college is "often about the students."

• Every fair you get the kids who realize they are about to be ejected out into the cold, cruel world and they have no idea what they want to do with their life. You always feel bad for them, but there's not much you can do.

• Here are some majors that you may not find it easy getting a job with: Psychology (unless you get a Masters), Sociology (you could have a PhD, the only job you're getting is teaching Sociology), History, Dance, Physical Education, Communications, and Theatre. (I can say this because I was a Psychology major with an English Lit. minor. And I'm extremely blessed to have the job that I do.)

• Here are some of the majors that will make it very easy for you to get a job: Accounting, Engineering, Biology, Computer Programming, and even Graphic Design if you are willing to move.

I wish schools were more open with the above two points, instead of letting students find it out the hard way. I have a friend whose Communications professor once admitted he felt guilty for not warning his students their degrees were almost worthless, but didn't because his department would lose funding if they chose other majors.

Should schools really be run like this? Do we want the people who wield the largest influence in a student's life to have such a grotesque conflict of interest?

I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to write papers anymore.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a life-sized cardboard cutout of myself.

Slinky Man

This is pretty cool. The wife and I were just talking the other day about how there aren't enough videos of people in giant slinky-suits on the internet.

Skydiving Vid

Here it is, at long last. The video.

It's the first one I've ever made and I'm kind of proud of it. Though you'll probably have to turn the sound up to hear it. In fact, use some headphones.

By the way, you can download Windows Movie Maker from download.com completely free and legal. It's a pretty cool program. I can't wait to make my "Best Hello Kitty Anime Moments" montage.

Skydiving is a good thing.

Shoot for the stars!

Sorry, having technical difficulties with the skydiving vid, but should be able to get it up tomorrow. I also attended a Career Fair today, which turned out to provide a good deal of blog material. In the mean time, here's one I meant to post a while back:

So the last time we were in Salt Lake we pulled up behind this station wagon taxi at a stop light. It was just too good to pass up.


Insert your own joke here.

Skydiving

Well, we did it. We hopped in a plane, rode to 14,000 feet, then took the quick way down. I don't even know what to say about it. It was crazy, fun, and exhilarating, obviously, but not quite what I expected. It was funner, crazier, not as fun, quicker, and more uncomfortable, all at once. There was so much going on that I'm still trying to figure it out. Total sensory overload.

Anyways, I'm working on getting the video ready but in the meantime here are a few quick pics.

Our friends the Bodily's came down to go with us. Here's Jared, me, and some guy whose wife bought him a dive for his birthday learning how to do the arch. Though anyone well versed in Beavis and Butthead might see something else in this picture.

The Sidwell's came up from Vegas to watch. Nick here is slightly afraid of heights, but is going with us next time (probably in May), as is Jared's wife and maybe mine.

This was funny. Each time the instructor used me to help illustrate a maneuver Katie got very concerned and came to stop the bad man. Here's a quick video of one of those times. You can see her little head at the bottom of the frame.

It's good to know that if I ever get jumped my 15-month old daughter has my back.

I'll put more up later. In the meantime, you should look up skydiving places in your area. It's definitely worth $200, even if you have to sell plasma to do it.

Book Reviews again

I haven't done book reviews for a while, so I thought I'd do them all at once. With the HP fanfic and what I'm writing now I don't do as much reading as I normally would. While it may not seem like that from the number of reviews, keep in mind this is from the last 2 years or so. Without further ado...

The Secret Life of Bees Sue Monk Kidd

A good book for women. And bees. If you are neither, find another book.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: A well-written, insightful book, though not quite to my taste. Also happens to be Tie's favorite book. So don't bash it, lest you incur her wrath.

Wicked Gregory Maguire

I was skeptical of this book at first. I've always been indifferent to the Wizard of Oz and have never understood why anyone under 65 years old (when it first came out and blew everybodies' minds) would be a fan, so I didn't think a book based on the Oz universe would be interesting.

But it was.

I'm not sure how he did it, but somehow Maguire takes Oz and transforms it into a rich, intricate, depressing and enchanting world rife with political, religious, and philosophical conflict. He also takes Elphaba (more commonly known as the Wicked Witch of the West) and adds layer upon layer to her previously one-dimensional character that you no longer look at her (or any other of the traditional villains) in the same way again.

The only thing I didn't like is that Elphaba never really amounts to anything. He creates such a rich and fascinating character, it seemed a waste to me to not have her devote herself to a cause or an ideal, even if that ideal is only herself. While you realize she's not evil, he never really reconciles what she is, except confused and indecisive. In the end she's just someone fighting against fate for the sake of fighting.

Oh yeah, and she has green skin because her father (whose identity will remain secret, though, use your imagination) drank a lot of green snake-oil elixir.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: Unique and creative enough to merit a read.

Man's Search For Meaning Viktor E. Frankl

This one has the Blog o' Mickel Seal of Approval, which is kind of like Oprah's Book Club except only for good books. I decided to finally read this one after I heard it quoted from no less than three separate people in one week. It's basically the thought and insights of a Jewish psychologist who is taken to a Nazi concentration camp while he is there. Quite an interesting read, as he concentrates more on the psychological conditions of a camp than the physical. If you've ever heard someone quote a man in a Nazi concentration camp along the lines of "The only freedom others can't take from you is the freedom to choose how you will respond to your enemies", this is where it's from. I've heard everyone from Steven Covey to church leaders to SHRM speakers apply this statement somehow or other.

Very enlightening read. Go get it. Right now. It's like 3 bucks on Amazon.


Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: You Owe it to Society to Read This Book

Dreams from My Father Barack Obama

Democrats, if you care about this country or have any sense at all, please give Obama the nomination. I implore you. Hillary is wrong for you. She's wrong for the country. She is the Democratic George W. Bush.

My favorite part about this book is that it was written long before Obama thought he'd ever have a serious shot at the presidency, so he talks about using drugs, smoking, family problems, his real thoughts on black and white culture in this country. You know - REAL LIFE. Unlike the other tomes of political pablum and white-washed self trumpetry every other candidate comes out with (Hillary, I'm looking at you.)

I want to write more on Obama and why I'm a fan, but that will be another post.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: If politics are the least bit interesting to you, read it.

Test, War, and Time of the Twins Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman

Wanting a break from books that dealt with reality, I thought I'd take a stroll down memory lane and re-read this trilogy from my childhood. Right around middle school I got really into these books, but haven't read them since.

On rereading, two things stuck out to me:

1. Seems like any medieval fantasy book since the 60's has been a rip-off of Tolkein; and,
   
2. Regardless of that, these are pretty good books.
   

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: If you're into fantasy or know what role a Dungeon Master plays, these would be good books for you to read.

Do Less, Achieve More Chin-Ning Chu

When I was at the national SHRM convention in Vegas working at the bookstore I finally caved and got one of the many self-improvement books that I had been surrounded by the entire day. Had I the chance to make that decision again, I would have bought a not-bad book.

I wouldn't recommend buying this one. Or checking it out. Or even flipping through it if you're sitting in a waiting room somewhere and the only other options are an auto parts catalogue and a phone book. In fact, I wouldn't even recommend reading the rest of this review, as anything to do with this book is a waste of time. Let's just say that any "Self-help" book that includes a section on how you need to be willing to sacrifice your family if want to be successful isn't a book I want to get advice from.

And Chin-Ning, when you're on your death bed I hope your robust investment portfolio and impressive resume provide you with companionship and a feeling of fulfillment. Because your estranged family won't be.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: Seriously, go for the phone book instead. You'll get more out of it.

Lord of the Flies William Golding

A fun, honest, chilling look at human nature. Reminds me of Scout Camp.

I still feel bad for Piggy.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: Sometime in your life you should read this book. Why not now?

Our Mutual Friend Charles Dickens

I have yet to meet anyone else who reads Charles Dickens books for fun. You should though. They're good.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: If you make any claim to being a cultured individual, you need to read at least one Dicken's book that wasn't required by a high school English teacher. If not, go back to watching American Idol.

Go on. Fatty.

Red Branch Morgan Llywelyn

This was another blast from the past. One of my high school history teachers actually recommended this author. She's good. I would recommend this one or Druids by the same author to anyone into fantasy.

And no - you're eyes aren't fooling you. The reviews are getting shorter.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: 2 Grumpets.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven Mitch Albom

This book was really popular for a while so I was glad to find it on my in-laws coffee table one weekend. It was ok. I was kind of disappointed. I guess if you're the type of person who doesn't think much about spiritual life or what happens after you die this would be more captivating.

Of course, Osama bin Laden has written a much better review of this book than I could ever hope to: Reviews of Books by Osama B-L.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: Read it if you suddenly find yourself in a house where it's lying on the table and you have a large chunk of free time, just so you can make snarky comments about it on your blog.

The 5th Horseman James Patterson

Is it hard to be a New York Times Best Seller? I used to be impressed by that qualification, but after reading The 5th Horseman, no more.

Ok, it wasn't a bad book, it just wasn't especially good. Take the worst of the Dan Brown thrillers (probably Digital Fortress) and water it down until it's only semi-thrilling. Then take one of those quasi-realistic hospital shows on tv (take your pick; seems like every new show is either an ER clone or some CSI spin-off). Now combine it with one of those pre-teen girl books (er...Babysitter's Club? Nancy Drew?) and you have The 5th Horseman.

I was going to write more, but I've already given too much of my life to this book. If you like The Joy Luck Club, crime novels, or you're one of those women who, for whatever inexplicable reason, choose to refer to your female friends as "my girlfriends" this book is for you.

And why do some women do that? Does the differentiation need to be made? Should I blog about how I went and played ultimate frisbee with some of my boyfriends? What the huh?

(Update: On re-reading this post, I was surprised by the vitriol I unleashed on this book. It was actually not a bad read. Just not entirely to my taste. I still stand by the above three paragraphs though.)

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: I wasn't too impressed, but I can see how others might like it. At least it doesn't give you horrible advice on how to live your life.

1776 David McCullough

A good read. Amazing that our country's independence was won by a group of quarreling, selfish drunks. Though I suppose that's fitting, seeing how today it is run by a group of quarreling, selfish drunks.

Ba-doom CHA!

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: Every real American should read this book. Not doing so shows ingratitude and weakens the resolve of our allies.

Bard Morgan Llywelyn

Another good Llyweleyn book. Don't understand how the Tuatha-de-Dannan can wield god-like powers yet lose to a bunch of chumps in chariots, but hey - who am I to dispute fictional Irish history?

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: If you're into fantasy, though I'd start with Red Branch.

Battlefield Earth L. Ron Hubbard

I got this one on the advice of a friend. It was really good. It is also the only epic apocalyptic science fiction/action book or movie I've encountered where the climax is a meeting between the hero AND...two inter-galactic bankers.

And they talk about mortgages.

Can't say I've ever encountered that before.

Blog O' Mickel Recommend-O-Meter: Get it. Only brush up on liens, mortgages, and other aspects of banking and lending before you do.