College Football is better than the NFL

Here are 5 reasons college football is better to watch than the NFL. Please note that I am writing this while watching Steelers/Titans, the opening game of the NFL season. Or rather, I am writing this while watching a seeming endless stream of commercials with brief snippets of a Steelers/Titans game thrown in.

1. No seriously--what's with all the commercials? Is there an actual game being played here?
2. The NFL cadence: 3 plays, punt, TV timeout. 3 plays, punt, TV timeout. 6 plays punt, TV timeout. 2 plays, turnover, TV timeout. TV timeout. Halftime. TV timeout.
3. Excitement. Long passes, breakaway runs, and kickoff returns are common place in college football. In the NFL you're excited just to see a 7-yard gain.

Ooh. Hines Ward just got the ball stripped on the 6-yard line with 50 seconds left. I would take back what I just said in #3, but that was literally the first exciting thing to happen in the last 3 quarters. Moving on...

4. Overtime. Thanks to the sudden-death system (which Chris Collinsworth has just defended with "Sure, your team may not even get a fair chance to win, but, uh...so be it.") If a TV announcer has to defend a rule with "It may not be fair, but so be it", you're going to want to look into things.

5. Did I mention all the commercials?

Sweaters: Panacea Against All Evils

So when the Menendez brothers went on trial for killing their own parents they employed a little-known public relations strategem and appeared in sweaters, hoping the snuggly softness would impact the jury.


For, as you know, it is impossible to think bad about someone in a sweater.


Saddam Hussien's lawyer tried it as well at the beginning of his trial. Alas, I couldn't find a picture, but remember seeing it on TV. Just imagine the great despot in a grey cocoon of adorableness.


But hold on -- Chris Brown, the R&B star recently charged with the felony assault of his girlfriend Rihanna -- has upped the ante. Not content with just the sweater, whatever PR Firm Brown is using apparently decided to go straight for America's jugular and sport a BOW-TIE. The result is breathtaking:

Ladies and gentlemen, does this really look like a man who is prone to violence? Prone to cuddliness, perhaps, but violence? Fie!

It works. I've forgiven him already.

But now I am intrigued as to what the next step on the image makeover excalation scale will be. How do you top sweater and bow-tie? Here's my guess:

Woolen mittens.

And after that, Hello Kitty backpack.

Lily's P90X Program

Ok, everyone, welcome to today's workout. I am your trainer for the day. My name is Lily. Let's get our sweat on!

We'll start with pushups. Simple exercise, but a great way to work your bi's and tri's, not to mention melt some of that pesky baby-elbow-fat.

That's good. Gimme 5....4....3....2.....1....one more for good luck...gimme just one more...Good.

All right, next up is abs. Remember your chin needs to come all the way up. If you think these are hard for you, try doing them when your head is roughly the same size as your torso.

Next is the scissor leg stretch. Make sure that right leg gets all the way out. If you really want to push it, go ahead and stick the big toe in your mouth. Like difff. Ahhff...blogeh....goohd.

Ok, let's go ahead and finish with some simple one-armed push-ups. What's that? Too tired? Sissy.

If you ever need a lawyer, be sure he isn't a fat one

I had to fill out a character reference form today for a friend who is applying to become a lawyer. It was in the form of a letter sent by a law firm representing the Maryland Bar Association.

3 things stuck out to me as I filled this thing out:

1. People still use mail?
2. Question number 2 read something like:

Have you seen anything in the conduct of this individual that would hint at unethical or dishonest character?

This is great because I love the irony in an organization whose members (a good portion of them anyway) make frequent practice of bending, dodging, and exploiting laws on behalf of clients they often know are guilty just to make some money somehow being concerned if I've ever seen this guy make up a lie to a girl he was dating or swipe a roommate's box of Pop-Tarts. Because those things would be unacceptable.

3. The last question:

"Would you recommend this person to the bar based on what you know of their ethics, principles, work ethic, and fitness?"

That's right, "fitness" is apparently part of the criteria for admittance to the bar. The cover letter also mentioned as much. I had a brief ethical dilemma with this one--for while he was principled and honest when I knew him, I hadn't seen him in 3 years and wasn't sure how fat he had become in that time. I mean, I would hate to answer "Yes", only to have my friend fail miserably in the Bar Association Obstacle Course (which I assume is the final step to becoming a lawyer), much less expose the good people of Maryland to a chubby, slow moving litigator with high cholesterol.

I answered yes though, and have my fingers crossed.

A shocking revelation...

I just found out a song I heard on the radio and liked is by the Jonas Brothers.

This is almost as bad as the time we had a mixup with our special order shirts and I found out I had been wearing a women's polo to the company conference the entire day.

Ah, to heck with it. I'm married. I don't have to be cool anymore.

HEY EVERYONE, GUESS WHAT? I LIKE A JONAS BROTHERS SONG.

Everyone Hide Your Celebrities

First Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcett, now the King of Pop himself. All in what, a 3 day span? If I was a famous person, I'd be worried right about now.

If it does happen again this month, here are some completely baseless and arbitrary odds on who the next celeb with a ticket to the Hollywood in the sky would be:

Sean Connery : 10 - 1
Dolly Parton : - 40 - 1
Carrot Top : 75 - 1
Sir Ian McKlellan : 25 - 1
Mick Jagger : 7 - 1
Gene Hackman : 100 - 1
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the II : 30 - 1
That one guy who played the Geometry teacher on Better Off Dead: 3 - 1

I've heard a few people say "these things come in threes". Do they? Does anyone have any other examples? I need more proof before I buy into this superstition. Though I am completely willing to.

And can I just say with Michael Jackson - I was never a big fan and thought he was as strange as the next person, but come on, the guy was abused physically and psychologically as a kid then became a global icon by the time most of us are starting general eds in college. How many of us could have gone through that and come out balanced, well-adjusted individuals?

Rest in peace Jacko.

I Need a Kobe Face

If you've been following the NBA Finals then you know Kobe Bryant has a devastating new weapon he's unleashed on his Finals opponents. Here it is:

He's come up with this brand new sneer for use just in the Finals. I've heard it called the Badger, the Beaver, the Tree Chipper, and even the Bruce Springsteen. I have another name for it:

Spectacular.

Really. I think this is a great idea. I mean, you bring out your best wine when old friends stop by, Grandma breaks out the China for Thanksgiving dinner, Notre Dame wears their special green jerseys when they want to get blown out in style -- so why not have a unique, custom made sneer use on special occasions?

I'm working on mine right now. And frankly, you should be too. Here are three I came up with just since I started writing this post:

This is The Caveman.

The Crazy Ivan.

And finally, the White Kobe.

Can't wait to bust this out in a real life situation. Maybe next time we're playing Scrabble and I hit the triple word score. Or in a work meeting after I make an especially astute observation.



Update: - The Lakers just won the Finals. I think we all know who gets the credit for this one: The Beaver.

The Last Month

Here's a recap of the past month in a minute or less. Or your money back.

My brother Adam and I did the Salem Springs Tri back in May. Here is a great shot of our pale, quasi-hairy chests after the swim.

We haven't seen each other much in the past 10 years, so it was really great to be able to do this together. This was Adam's first tri. He did great.


I love this course. Great scenery, great atmosphere, nice park for the spectators, probably my favorite race venue.

There are some ugly looking kids running around though.

Here's a picture of a picture I drew of Amy and I. The picture I took of the picture didn't transfer so well though.

And one of Bono. That big white thing at the top is the light of the ceiling fan reflecting off the glass, not a bald spot.

Last weekend our Ultimate Frisbee team played in the Utah Summer Games. We did really well, then lost to BYU in the championship game and ended up with the silver medal. I'm still upset about this.

Just for some reference, if Ultimate Frisbee in Utah was a Disney sports movie, our team would be the lovable group of rag-tag kids with no money (in this case university funding and support) who play only for love of the game. BYU, Utah State, and the U would be the rich kids who ride around on their expensive bicycles making fun of the poor kids for not having matching uniforms.

Only in this case, the rich kids won. There is no justice outside of Disney movies.

"You play ball like a GIRL!"

On a quick side note, why is it that so many people despise BYU? And I don't mean the team, but the school itself? I mean, during the tournament the snide "they're better Mormon's than us" and "settle down, zoobie, this isn't church ball" comments flowed like caffeine-free Mountain Dew. From every team too. Even I couldn't stand them, until I asked myself why and realized I didn't have an answer. They weren't being jerks or anything, just playing really, really well.

The only theory I can come up with is that people have a very keen sense of others trying to make them feel inferior (whether it's real or imagined). So even though 99 of 100 BYU students may be friendly, unassuming people, all it takes is that one holier-than-thou doofus to taint popular perception. This could be a whole other post though.

Just another burden one must bear if attending The One, True University, I suppose.

Moving on.

• We've planted a pretty big garden this year, hoping this year grows something other than pumpkins and earwigs.
• Here's a prayer Katie (our 2 year old) gave at breakfast the other day in that monotone, matter-of-fact way toddlers have:
  
  “Dear Hev’ly Fadder, mommy and daddy are driving me crazy. I have pasta. Name Jesus Crise, aaamen.”
• As our neighborhood isn't especially social and we've been living here 5 years now, we decided to try and do a neighborhood barbecue. It actually went really well. It's harder to despise a guy who cuts down all his trees so he can park his '85 Trans Am on the lawn after you've met him and know he's a really nice guy. Not impossible, mind you, but tougher.
• Things are going well. I still have work (which we’re thankful for), we still have a house (also thankful), our kids don’t have any chronic diseases or head-lice (thankful), and we have a troop of college kids moving in next door in August (not thankful for).

That is all.

It's not just me...

A couple days ago astronauts attempted a dangerous, high-risk spacewalk in an attempt to repair the Hubble Telescope. Unfortunately they were delayed more than two hours and had to cancel some other maintenance because they couldn't get a one-inch bolt loose.

Here's the full story: http://cbs5.com/national/nasa.atlantis.hubble.2.1011612.html.

This story makes me happy, almost giddy even.

It's good to hear elite professionals with the backing of the brightest minds in our country have the same problem working on their space shuttle that I do when I change the oil or replace the serpentine belt on my Corolla.

I hope the astronaut also skinned his knuckles on the engine casing, swore, then accidentally kicked over the oil pan spilling dirty oil throughout the far reaches of space.

Manny being Manny

*************************************************

SPORTS POSTING NOTICE

(see original notice at beginning of Jan. 12 posting)

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Late last week Manny Ramirez was given a 50 game suspension for testing positive for a female fertility drug commonly used to mask steroid use. The revelation has sent shockwaves of astonishment through the baseball community, giving rise to questions like "How could this happen?", "How long has this been going on?" and, of course, "How could one of baseball's premier players cheat like this?"

Then there's my question: "How the crap is anyone surprised by this anymore?"

I mean...Really? In 2009 we're surprised to hear a baseball player has used steriods? Really?

After Giambi, Bonds, Clemens, Palmero, McGwire, Sosa, A-Rod, the Mitchell Report, MLB's unreleased list of 100 players who tested positive, etc. etc. etc. -- we're still surprised to hear someone else has juiced? Really? We're that stupid?

If you were in any way surprised by this revelation, I can help you. Here is my two-step, reality inducing program. It is simple, but may be painful. Here goes:

1) Think of any player between 1994 and now. Got one? Good.

2) Chances are, THAT PERSON USED PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS at one time or another. Now go on and live your life accordingly.

Is this a blanket overgeneralization? Of course. But at this point we should only be surprised when we hear a certain player didn't juice up.

Guess what else? MOST NFL PLAYERS ARE ON PED's. College too. And the NBA. For some reason we don't make a big deal about this though. Just baseball.

Here are a few other "revelations" to help the reality-impaired:

McDonald's hamburger isn't actually meat. Not cow meat, anyway.

Most politicians care more about their careers and personal comfort than the country or you.

A country going billions of dollars into debt to take care of a problem that arose from going billions of dollars into debt isn't a good idea.

The What's Going Ons

The reason I haven't been blogging has nothing to do with Facebook, as many have assumed. Frankly I am offended that anyone would think this, as my disdain for Facebook is well documented. No, there are other reasons behind the not blogging, two to be precise: 1) I decided to stop blogging from work, even during lunch breaks, and 2) We've had crappy dial up internet at home that made even the simplest of internet tasks (like uploading a picture) seem like trekking across the Sahara. Only if trekking across the Sahara took longer and you got disconnected every 5 minutes.

Well, no more crappy dial up internet. We just got high speed. So here's to a glorious new era of blogging and gratuitous downloading from shady Russian mp3 sites.

Here's a quick update:

• I am now 30. I like it.
• We went skydiving again back in March. The second time was twice as fun as the first. More on this later.
• Now that the Jazz are eliminated I can enjoy the playoffs without that nagging, soul-crushing feeling we call "hope". My only hope now is that Boozer is gone by October.
• I broke my finger diving for a catch in Ultimate Frisbee. Here's a pic:

The worst part about getting hurt in Ultimate Frisbee is that it sounds so wimpy. "How'd you break your finger?" "Frisbee." [A pause accompanied with an incredulous look, then an amused snort] "It must be hard to function like a normal adult with such brittle bones, but you seem to do ok."

This seems like a good time to show my Owie Journal:

Ultimate Frisbee: it's not just for hippies anymore.

Anyways, it's good to be back.

I am now a raging hypocrite

That's right, we got a cell phone.

I know.

While there are numerous reasons for this abrupt about-face in my long held anti-cell phone philosophy (i.e. it comes in handy for work, need it for my church calling, etc.), it mainly gravitates around the fact that we could get unlimited minutes for 10 bucks a month.

If anyone is unaware of my prior anti-cell phone sentiment and why this is such a shocking development, I would refer them to the lengthy diatribe I wrote a year or so back: Why I Hate Cell Phones.

So how do I reconcile this betrayal of my cherished beliefs? With Themickel's Cell Phone Owner Creed. Here goes:

1. I promise to never answer my cell phone only to tell the person I can't talk right now.
2. I promise that, barring an emergency, I will never answer my cell phone while out at dinner with friends or family, and if I do, said friends and family can kick me in the groin as hard as they want.
3. I promise I will never be that moron who is on his cell phone at the restaraunt, grocery store, bank, movie line, etc. talking 3 times louder than normal and completely oblivious to the waiter, cashier, teller, or 15 year old selling the ticket in front of him while 20 other people are waiting in line.
4. I promise that if I ever use the phrase: "Sorry, we were going to call you back but we had to wait for our Thursday 2:30 AM to 3:25 AM unlimited minute slot", I will stop whatever I am doing, lock myself in a closet, and seriously rethink my life.
5. The cell phone is for my convenience, not for the convenience of other people.

I am confident that if everyone who owned a cell phone swore to this creed the world would be a better place.

I'm sure there are more. I'll add them as they come up.

The unthinkable has happened...

I better hold off on the explanation until I can get a photo.

In the meantime, I'll go ahead and allow the suspense to grow and burgeon, just so it can come crashing down in cruel anti-climax later.

Skydiving, round 2

I turn 30 in March. So I thought we should go skydiving again.

I just made the reservation. Can't wait. I think I just peed my pants a little.

Here's the video from the first time: http://themickel.blogspot.com/2007/10/skydiving-vid_18.html

World's Oldest Person Just Died

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090102/oldest_person_090102/20090102?hub=Health

I saw one of these articles a while back. About a month or two later there was another one. Then maybe a week or so back there was a third.

I can't help but wonder -- is it really newsworthy that the oldest person in the world just died?

I mean, of course the world's oldest person just died. That's what the oldest people in the world tend to do. Once they do there is a new world's oldest person (heretofore referred to as "WOP"). And guess what? He/she is going to die too. Probably pretty soon.

Now don't get me wrong; these peoples' lives are amazing and I enjoy reading about them. But it seems like lazy journalism. A perpetually reoccurring story an editor can plug in every time he needs a filler story.

In the spirit of the WOP articles, here are three other stories they could cover just to mix things up a bit:

1. World's Youngest Person Just Born
2. People Are Eating Food Somewhere
3. After a Brief Absence, The Sun Has Reappeared and Seems to be Traveling in a Westerly Direction

New U2 Single...

For my fellow U2 enthusiasts, I just stumbled across the first released single from No Line On The Horizon, Get on Your Boots.

I am what's known as a 'hyperlink' and if you click on me I will take you to said single.

I'll leave my reaction as a comment on this post, just so I don't taint anyone's expectations going in. I'm interested to see what others think of it.

Jury Duty

This may be weird, but I want to get called up for jury duty.

I'll admit that my understanding of the process is limited. In fact, almost my entire perception of this divine American "right" is based on the Simpson's episode where Homer is selected for jury after Mayor Quimby's nephew's alleged beating of a french waiter (when Homer lengthens the trial out so he can miss work and get free room service at his hotel and wears glasses with eyeballs painted on them so he can sleep until Apu points it out to the judge. What a great episode.), as well as what I've heard from people who have been through it. The latter consists mainly of stories about waiting around for 8 hours, reading books, while the attorneys decide who will give the verdict most free from the unreasonable and restrictive demands of justice. Then doing it all over again the next day.

This appeals to me. Maybe it's curiosity, maybe it's the possibility of participating in thrilling courtroom drama (which, as I'm given to understand from TV and movies, is what I can expect as the norm in our judicial system), or maybe it's the opportunity to stand up during deliberations and impassionedly declare "I'M out of order?! YOU'RE out of order! This WHOLE SYSTEM is out of order!"

Most likely, however, it's just the prospect of being able to read or dink around on my laptop instead of going to work for an entire day.

So what do I have to do to get called up? Why is it the people around me seem to get summoned several times a year but I haven't had so much as a threat of jury duty? The only qualification I've heard is that you have to be a registered voter and vote. Which I am and do. Every 4 years.

In other news, I've been working on my NFL team selection and have narrowed it down to three, one of which was expected while the other two were not. Thanks to those who have provided input. Good suggestions, all of you. I'll announce my team later this week.

(Teaser: one team has a bird as mascot, the other a group of people, and the third a quadrupedal land mammal.)

That is all.

UPDATE: On rereading that teaser I've realized that my hints actually exclude only 2 teams (3 depending on what a "Brown" is). So yeah. Good luck with that.

I need a favorite NFL team

**************** SPORTS POSTING NOTICE ********************

The following post is entirely about sports. If you're not into sports you will find it boring and insubstantial (you may even if you do follow sports). So you'll probably want to stop reading right now. Might I recommend the preceding post entitled "Five Reasons Facebook is Stupid", or this McSweeney's article. Thank you and enjoy your bleak, joyless existence.

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I'll cut to the chase: I don't have a favorite NFL team. When I was a kid it was the Raiders, but only because 1) I liked their uniforms, and 2) we had this Sports Illustrated video called Crunch Time that had a segment on Howie Long (this was mid-80's, so pre-commercial/broadcasting Howie) and I thought he was cool. I half-heartedly switched to the Saints in high school, mostly because no one else liked them and, again, I thought their uniforms were cool. Finally I had a brief relationship with the Pats, but only because I liked their logo (The Flying Elvis), they started that year 6-0 (this was before any of the Super Bowl rings), and they played in a place called "Foxboro".

Not good reasons for having a favorite team.

After discussing this with a co-worker his eyes lit up and he said, "You're lucky. You haven't had one team since you were a kid, so you get to choose yours." He then added a wistful "I wish I were you..." and began weeping on my desk (he's a Dolphins fan).

I realized he was right -- in the unwritten rules of sports fandom you have to stick with your first team or you are fickle, disloyal, a traitor or a bandwagoner. However, according to the Childhood Stupidity Clause and the Absence of a Local Team Clause (also unwritten*), I now get to choose my team. An amazing opportunity, as I am able to apply my adult intellect to an important, lifelong decision that is typically made when you are a child.

So here's my question: how do I choose?

It's a seemingly simple question, but one that opens into a vista of challenges and questions as difficult to deal with as the Windows Operating System of that name. For instance: players and coaches change, so how do you use that? Same with playing styles, owners, and even cities. Uniforms can be a factor, though a minor one. History and tradition is good, but I gravitate more towards teams that I actually like to watch play (i.e. the Titans/Ravens are about as entertaining as a Pistons/Spurs Final) and this is also subject to change. And, in the end, couldn't you say teams really pick you? So should I be doing this anyway?

See what I mean? A whole frightening vista. I suppose it's all fodder for another post though.

Here's what I do know:

1. I'm already a Cubs fan, so I have no extra emotional will to expend on another beleaguered, hapless team with a long history of losing/choking. Thus, the Lions, Saints, Jets, and probably Cardinals (I'm not sure their current streak erases their vast history of ineptitude) are out.
2. I also have no interest in a team whose owner is clueless/potentially unstable. Thus the Raiders and Cowboys are out.
3. Even disregarding #2, the Cowboys would still be out.
4. So are the Pats, Colts, and even the Cardinals ala the Bandwagoning Rule.

So where do I go from here?

*Actually, I think these are written. I remember the Sports Guy doing an article on something like this. Anybody know where it is?

5 Reasons Facebook is Stupid

I'm thinking this post probably gets me the same level of scorn that my post on cell phones did, but I don't care. A man must hold true to his beliefs. And me...I believe Facebook is stupid.

1. It's slowly replacing blogging, but doesn't offer nearly as much.

Isn't blogging far better? I mean, I can go onto Cheeth or Mister J's blog, get an update on what they're up to, see pictures and read about what is important to them. In addition to providing a small window into their lives, this also allows me to experience a piece of their personality and be reminded why I like that person.

What does Facebook give you? A 2 inch picture, something someone you don't know wrote on their wall, and a bland status update like 'Mindi is sitting on her sofa clipping her toenails'.

It seems like people are blogging less. For instance, look at the blog roll on the right side of the screen. Perhaps down a little too. I'll bet you look at this at any give time and only one person will have posted in the last 3 days. Then there will be three who haven't in over a month.

A year ago it wouldn't have been this way. I blame apathy and Facebook. But mostly Facebook. Because I don't want to pick a fight with apathy.

2. Getting poked, likeness quizzes, pirate kidnappings, vampire blood lust invitations, body slams, 'Which Teletubbie Are You?' requests, Invitations to join the Michael Landon Fan Club, etc.

I don't feel I need to elaborate on this one. Other than to say I generally prefer not getting 'poked', in either a literal or virtual sense.

3. The excitement of finding an old friend, replaced by the dissapointment of realizing you have nothing to say to each other.

When I was first introduced to Facebook and hadn't yet learned how it works, I thought you used it to actually communicate with your friends. So I wrote a few 'How's it going? What are you up to?' e-mails to people I hadn't seen in a long time. I never heard back. I stopped writing them and eventually learned that that is how Facebook is supposed to work: Someone from 7th grade finds you, they add you as a friend, you confirm them and get a small link on the bottom of your page, then you both go about your lives with no further communication but a smug sense of accomplishment on having increased the number of friends you have on Facebook.

So now that I am well versed in Facebook protocol and know better, any message sent to me from an old time friend is met with a condescending shake of the head, the thought, 'They must be new to Facebook', and is promptly ignored.

4. Feeling obligated to write something clever in my status update every time I get on.

My solution to this is to not get on anymore.

5. I'm still not sure what it is.

Really. I don't get the point of it. Most people respond to this with, "It's a way to keep in touch with friends" but I feel this is inaccurate. A more fitting description would be "It's a good way to keep a small rectangular picture of people you used to know on an internet page".

I do have to give Facebook some props, though. For one, there are at least 40 people on there that I never would have found any other way, many that I had forgotten about. It does an exceptional job at helping you find old friends. There have also been some entertaining bouts of friendly banter with old friends initiated by a status update or profile change (though really nothing more than what happens in a blog comment box or on Yahoo Messenger). So there are some good things about it.

However, like a cranky old man stubbornly clinging to his VCR and 8-tracks, I am determined to shun Facebook in favor of blogging.

Gon farnit.

'Blog more' isn't one of my new year's resolutions

Ok, I think that last post helped me break through my posting-aversion barrier; that unseen, impenetrable wall of ennui that seems to form when you haven't written for a while.

Things are going well. Baby #2 is healthy, happy, and almost sleeping through the night already. She's also extremely mellow, feeds well, and cries little. All signs so far point to her being the perfect baby, which I take as a sign that we've reached our zenith as parents and can only go downhill by further procreating.

Christmas break was fun. Part of me is glad to be back at work though. I suppose this is largely due to knowing that the probability of me having to change a diaper at a moment's notice here is minimal. Not gone entirely, mind you, but minimal.

Speaking of work, here is a scan of my most recent meeting notes. You can click on it for the full effect.

I am especially pleased with my tofu Homestar Runner, the Ute logo, and the elder's quorum moment at the bottom. I am also pleased that I have found a productive way to spend meetings.

That's it for now. It's good to be back.

Hey, I wrote on my blog

Check it out. I did. Writing.