Cheerleaders: Do we really need them?

Warning: The following post is critical of cheer leading, so if you are/were/want to be a cheerleader, or have deep feelings about this obsolete fossil of Americana, you may want to read something else instead. Might I recommend my riveting piece on the whereabouts of Chunk?

Why do we have cheerleaders? No, really? Why are they there?

I have a buddy who is a sportswriter for the local university. He needed help keeping stats for a football invitational being held at the school the other day, so I went along with him. It was good times: sitting with reporters and higher-ups in that modern-day Mount Olympus of the sporting world, the press box; listening to the off-mike commentary of the announcer (a jovial, rotund man of Southern heritage with a hic accent and a keen, Jon Stewart-esque wit); and watching some fun, surprisingly engaging (even if it was sloppy) football. These things, mixed together with the enthusiasm of the crowd, the beautiful fall day, and the picturesque surroundings, combined for one of the more transcendent sports experiences of my life. There was only one thing that didn't quite fit, like an off-key note in a beautiful harmony...

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN!" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN!" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Every time one of the teams scored, their cheerleaders would turn, face the crowd, and let loose with this gem of cheerleadery:

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN! (in an even, monotone voice)" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Now, it's not that this specific cheer was lame (which it was), it's that just about everything cheerleaders do is pointless and unimaginative. I mean, other than the acrobatics (which are fun to watch and keep the crowds' interest during time outs) I don't see anything they do that would justify their existence. They're even worse on TV. Example:

We've just come back from commercial at the Texas-Oklahoma game. They show an uncomfortably close close-up of a Texas cheerleader (nose hairs and 2 inches of makeup clearly visible) who claps her pom-poms together mindlessly and says: "Go Longhorns!" We stay on her. She claps more. After three seconds, she again says "Go Longhorns!" More clapping. More vacant smiling. 3 more seconds. "Go Longhorns!" Repeat 5 more times.

And this happens at least 82 times a game.

It just seems the whole concept of cheer leading is outdated and misguided. Two more quick illustrations:

• The home team is getting crushed. Absolutely demolished. The only people who are still around are the parents of the athletes, and they're checking with other parents to see if their kid can get a ride home. Inevitably the cheerleaders will line up and give three or four cheers about how awesome/unbeatable/indestructible their team is, something along the lines of "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, Hillcrest Huskies can't be beat. NO WAY!" Do they not realize this isn't the best time to cheer about how invincible the team is? When you're getting your butt kicked?



• At my high school they came up with the following cheer for the basketball team: every time we made a free-throw, we would say: "Shoot - that ball - and through the hoop it falls - so Swoosh! IN YOUR FACE!" We were to say this last part with special fervor and then shake our hands at the opposing school in rhythm with IN YOUR FACE. Here's the problem: that's not a short cheer. Everyone got sick of it after about 3 minutes into the game. More importantly, it's ridiculous to taunt the other team after scoring ONE point in a game where the final scores are typically in the 70's or 80's. "Hey! We just scored 1 point! So now we're only losing by sixteen instead of seventeen! IN YOUR FACE, renobs!"

And I guess that's the root of what bugs me most about cheerleaders: they don't seem to know anything about sports. I mean, do they even understand what's going on during the games? Do they know that you only get one point for a free throw? Or what a field goal is? Or where you could locate the catcher on a baseball diamond>

Now, I'm not saying that we should get rid of cheer leading altogether - it fills a vital role in determining social hierarchy among American adolescents, and we need to know who the cool kids are. No. I'm just saying that perhaps it is time for an overhaul. If we're going to further the objectification of women, we at least want to have something to show for it, right?

So here are some suggestions on how to make cheer leading relevant:

1. Cheerleaders should be actual sports fans. You know, actually enjoy sports. To judge this, cheerleader hopefuls would be asked a series of sports questions as part of their tryouts. The questions could be as simple as: The NBA, the NFL, and MLB. Which one of these has to to with football? or, Who is Barry Bonds and what sport does he play? Bonus question: Why is his head as big as it is? (There are 2 correct answers), or, Name 1 person who has played for the Jazz other than Karl Malone, John Stockton, and the tall Russian guy with weird hair.
   
   
2. Learn some new acrobatics. You ever seen that family of Chinese midget acrobats? Now those guys are cool.
   
   
3. Cheerleaders should heckle. Just think - what if, at the beginning of each game, the cheerleaders chose one player on the other team (preferably a good one), and made it their mission to get inside his head and throw him off his game (ala Cheeth's epic heckling stories from high school)? Taunts, jeers, goat sounds every time he got the ball, whatever. Wouldn't this add a fun new dynamic to the game?



4. A residual benefit of the above plan would be that suddenly the most obnoxious, clever, and full-voiced individuals at our high schools and colleges would find themselves in high demand, a premium placed the talents which had previously gone underutilized by the theatre and drama departments. This in turn would help reduce eating disorders and the consumption of anti-depressants among our youth and help alleviate global warming.
   
   
5. They could actually learn cheers that are relevant for that specific moment in the game.
   
   

Those are just a few ideas. I hope this didn't come across as cheerleader bashing, because that wasn't the intent. I'm just suggesting they step it up a notch. You know, think outside the box and bring the thing into the 21st century. They've got to be capable of more than inane cheers and giving teenage boys something to gawk at.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooo Cougars!!!



(p.s. my favorite part of this posting was the triumphant return of the phrase "renob".)