Baby Pics

Here are the baby pics, commonly of interest to family and friends. If you read the blog for my unrivaled social, intellectual, and College Football insights, I got nothing for you today but baby pics. Sorry.

Baby Reloaded

Baby number 2 is here. Don't have much time so I'll do the update in bullet-point form:

• We checked in the hospital around 10:06. The baby was out at 10:34.
• It happened so fast there was no time for an epidural. Consequently, I now know that my wife is at least 10 times tougher than I am.
• 6 pounds, 12 ounces. I've always thought it strange that the first info people seek upon hearing you've had a baby is the same info you seek when someone catches a Rainbow Trout, but there you go.
• It's a girl. We named her Lily Kristen Marie Mickel.
• That's right, two middle names for a girl.
• Kristen Marie was the name of a family ancestor who apparently left her dead-beat husband and moved the entire family from Denmark to the U.S.A. That qualifies you for a middle name in my book.
• Real hospitals aren't nearly as entertaining as they are on Scrubs.
• Mom did great. Her and the baby are both healthy and fine.
• In fact, I appear to be more tired and befuddled than either of them.
• It's still amazing to me that what we experienced last night is just another day at the office for some people.

That's it for now. I'll get more up soon.

Gas

Gas under 2 bucks, are you serious? Did anyone ever think we'd be here again? This has to be a scam of some sort, like a drug pusher who realizes he better lower his crack prices because his most loyal junkie threatened to go into rehab.

I know this is completely irrational, but ever since gas went down below $2.00 I've had an irrepressible urge to hurry and empty our gas tanks just so I can experience buying "cheap" gas again.


(Note: The "quotations" around the word 'cheap' above is to be interpreted as sarcasm. If you told High School Themickel that in 10 years he would rejoice at $1.99 gas, he would have gazed at you in open-mouthed disbelief. He would also wonder how you could foretell the future and suspect you were a witch or sorcerer of some sort.)

(Another note: The quotations around the word 'quotations' above is to point out the general absurdity of quotations.)

Update on the Happenings

Hey. Haven't blogged for a while. Is it just me or is Facebook slowly replacing blogging? This is not a positive development. Anyways, here's an update on all the happenings of the last month or so, in one quick, desultory swoop.

In no particular order:

San Francisco

As a last hurrah before the next baby strikes, we took a trip to San Francisco with my parents. I've been about 5 or 6 times, the wife has been twice, but it's just as fun as the first time.

Highlights of the trip: clam chowder, Saturday morning jog through the city and up Lombard Street, pondering the irony inherent in some of the most expensive real estate in the country (Fisherman's Wharf) being filled with crappy souvenir shops whose wares even the tackiest of tourists would be ashamed to hang on their refrigerators, eating at The Stinking Rose, an all-garlic restaurant that was surprisingly good (even the deserts have garlic in them), the jolt of suddenly finding myself in the middle of about six-dozen Chinese-Americans practicing Tai-Chi, and watching the effect a veritable tidal wave of hefty Philadelphians in Donovan McNabb jerseys (in town for the Eagles vs. 49ers game) had on the tranquility of Liberalism's Mecca.

While there are many things San Fran stands for that I don't approve of*, I do applaud the random bursts of civic creativity. This is an old building that had a fire sweep through it. Rather than tearing it down, however, the city allowed an artist to do his thing, and this is the end result. It's called "Defenestration", which means ''the act of throwing something out a window''.


Cartoons

As a hobby on the side, I've been doing editorial cartoons and sending them to local papers. Nothing yet. But it's still fun.

The Baby

We're coming up on the due date pretty quick here: November 30th. I'm savoring every last moment of sleep I can.

You know, a lot of people seem to like these new 3D ultrasounds, but they kind of creep me out. It looks like when Han Solo gets frozen in that block of carbonite in Empire Strikes Back. I feel like I need to be doing something to get her out.

The wife and I are of the school of thought that you should at least wait to see the kid before you name him/her, so we haven't settled on a name yet. Here are our top picks though (it's a girl, by the way):

• Lily (or Lilly)


• Berkley


• Brooklyn

Note: we haven't purposely gone after city names, it just kind of...happened. Incidently, our favorite boy name is Camden, which I hear is the cesspool of New Jersey [which in turn got its name from Camden, England, the cesspool of London]. Either way, that kid will have some great expectations).

Halloween

The obligatory Halloween picture. The kid was a pumpkin, the wife was a flower (it actually looked a lot better than this picture suggests, what with her bulging tummy and all), and I was my old standby, the Little Caesar's pizza guy (great when you want to put minimal effort in a costume -- all you need is a bedsheet).

Needless to say, we didn't surpass last year's effort in my goal of having the three most random, unrelated costumes (last year we were a fairy princess, a chicken, and Pop-Eye), but I have high hopes for next year (a butterfly, John McEnroe, Anne of Green Gables, and a burrito).

Races

I did the Tour de St. George back in October, my first long-distance bike tour. It was actually a lot of fun. They do 35, 67, and 100 mile distances. I wussed out and did the 67.

This is me getting my pre-race bagel. Which is really the best part of the race.

This summer I've kind of neglected the usual triathlon training in favor of Ultimate Frisbee. I had always thought Ultimate Frisbee was a pretty relaxed sport, but since I've started playing I've witnessed two broken noses, a dislocated elbow, a hyper-extended knee, a broken foot, and numerous split lips, cheeks, and eyebrows.

The worst I've had so far is a sprained shoulder and this orange-sized bruise on my calf, which caused Katie to put down her cracker, point at my leg, nod her head knowingly and say, "Owie, daddy. Owie."

Now you are updated on the happenings. Have a good one.

*Specifically: Barry Bonds, a current 49er team that is a disgrace to the franchise, and horrendously bad pre-packaged rice dinners. Why, what were you thinking of?

5 Things You Shouldn't Send in With Your Resume

Recent events have prompted me to write this particular post. Here are 5 Things You Shouldn't Send in With Your Resume. As always, these are actual things I have seen as a recruiter.

1. Your Social Security Number.
2. Your Unemployment Insurance Enrollment Form, complete with your routing number, bank, and your bank account number.
3. Someone else's Unemployment Insurance Enrollment Form, complete with their routing number, bank, and bank account number.
4. Medical Records.
5. The statement: "I love anime therefore I spend a lot of time downloading anime from various sites".

Meetings

Why is it that we as humans feel we need to hold meetings? Is it learned? Maybe genetic, something evolution (which of course is a farce invented by the 1860's leftist media) instilled in us as necessary for the survival of our species? I mean, 500,000 years ago did Caveman Ug decide to gather his tribe together in some cave, stand up in front of them and say, "Thanks everyone for coming. As you know, we're going to push that big rock over tomorrow, so I thought we'd better meet and discuss in painstaking detail the simple process of how to push on a rock. First you--- Oh yeah, did you guys see Grok get gored at yesterday's mastodon hunt? That was crazy, right?" and then 6 hours later they hobble out of there and decide to go out for dinosaur ribs? How else can you explain this baffling tradition we have?

Don't get me wrong, some meetings are important, even necessary. I just think about 80% of them aren't. And of the ones that are, 90% are longer than they need to be.

I'll give an illustration. Every month my company has meetings to discuss the welfare of our agencies. A rep from each department is supposed to be there. I go as an HR rep. Here is a scan of my notes from one of those meetings:

I'm particularly pleased with my Cubs logo and the impromptu Homer Simpson's.

In fact, you'll notice 3/4 of my "notes" are devoted to doodles. This is because me and 13 other people at that meeting didn't have to be there. No input was asked, no action items were given, we just sat there like schmucks while the senior executive went over finances with one of the controllers, a conversation that could have happened over phone and without the moral support of a dozen other employees. The vast majority of our meetings go this way. And we're probably better run and more efficient than the average company.

And it's not just work. Church, community, pretty much ALL meetings seem to be fairly pointless. I've given it a lot of thought (there's nothing else to do during meetings) and I've come up with the following reasons why people love to have meetings:

• While public speaking is one of our greatest fears, we all secretly want everyone else to shut up and listen to how smart we are. Meetings provide a safe environment in which to do this.
• Talking and theorizing about what you should do is easier than actually doing it.
• (At work anyway) Holding a meeting regarding an important decision gives the illusion of unanimity, even if the opinions/suggestions of only a small fraction of those present are solicited.
• We've been conditioned to subconsciously feel no human endeavor is validated until there has been a meeting devoted to it.
• We love to tell others "Sorry, I can't make it, I have a meeting to get to." It makes us feel important.
• It's easier than working.

Let me know if I missed anything. Sorro does a great running diary of his company's weekly meetings. I love to read it because it shows me there are fellow sufferers out there.

In conclusion, I don't like meetings. I feel most of them can be done in about 15 minutes. If it goes longer than that you might as well have a BBQ or hold a formal debate, because that's what you're doing anyway.

I love candy corn

It's way better than normal corn. Just wanted to share that.

The Winner of 'Guess That Lyric'

Is Code-ster, who correctly guessed Apache (Jump on it) by Sugarhill Gang. In honor of his cheesy lyric guessing prowess, Code-ster gets the following video clip dedicated to him. You can watch it too though.




You also get this picture of Snow, everyone's favorite white Candadian rapper.

And for the Jones's, who came in second behind Code-ster, you get this screenshot from Kid Icarus.

Let it never be said Themickel don't know how to dish out the prizes.

Career Fair Burger

Hey. We're back from San Francisco. I'll get pictures up of that. Someday.

In the meantime, I just got back from another Career Fair. I don't feel like writing the usual long-winded recap, so I'll just give some statistics:

• Approximate number of times I used the phrase, "Great, shoot me over a resume and we'll take it from there": 95


• Favorite sight at the career fair: the brave girl meandering across the ballroom alone, refusing to make eye contact with anyone while unashamedly singing out loud Ace of Base's I Saw the Sign.
• Percentage of students I talked to who were Accounting majors: 86%
  
• Inanimate object that brought the most entertainment over the 8 hours we were there: a gray, rubber pad placed over some extension cords in the walkway in front of our table to prevent people from tripping, which ended up tripping at least 30 people itself.
  
• How funny it is, on a scale of 1-10, to see someone trip over that rubber mat while you're standing at the table: 5.
  
• How funny it is, on a scale of 1-10, to see someone trip over that rubber mat out of the corner of your eye while you're in the middle of a serious career conversation with a student: 10.
  
• Favorite moment of the career fair: hucking a piece of salt-water taffy at my co-worker's groin while he was on his cell phone, then laughing hysterically as he doubled over in pain. Yes, I am the first contact most people have with our company.
  
• Most interesting SWAG giveaway: Nature's Skin and their "Free Brow Waxing".
  
• Best SWAG giveaway: Portable music players with headphones from some accounting firm.
  
• Worst SWAG giveaway: Nature's Skin and their "Free Brow Waxing".
  
• Most disturbing image: The tough, manly marine in full camo getting Nature's Skin's free brow waxing.
  
• Most awkward moment: Explaining a position to a candidate who has graduated and is gainfully employed by the university we were at and just as his supervisor walks up he says the words:
  "Yeah, I'd definitely be interested in looking into that". Wow. This rated pretty high on Awkward Things to Say Just As Someone Walks Up scale, just above "Hey, you know Doug? Well I just peed on his car" and just below "You know Doug? I just killed his cat."
• And of course, Number of times I shook my head incredulously after talking to a particularly clueless student, then realized I was just as bad when I was one (only worse, as I never actually made it to a Career Fair): 6

In San Fran

Hey. I'm in San Francisco until Sunday. Me no write until then. Peace out.

You say tomater, I say tomatermorts

Ok, pretend you've never met the following individuals, you are about to call them, and you need to pronounce their names right. Ready, go:


Tonie

Sonae

Lakecia

Sotheavy

Genoveva

Chyr

These are some names I've had come through recently on resumes. Thanks to telemarketing the vast majority of Americans are immediately suspicious of any caller who doesn't know how to pronounce their name and are liable to hang-up/chew you out if you get it wrong, so when I call to set up an interview I have to be careful (though it is fun to hear the reaction of someone who has just chewed you out when you tell them you're an employer calling about their resume.)

And playing the last-name-interchange gambit (i.e. calling Adriexxahnnah Johnson's number and asking for 'Ms. Johnson' rather than 'Adriexxahnnah') is usually no good, as 1)you still sound like a telemarketer, and 2) you are likely to get the gender wrong (I just had interviews with a Cheyenne and a Kelcey, both of whom were men.)

I usually just resort to the mumbled name approximation, which hasn't failed me yet: 'Hi, is Pa(mumble over hard part)rigahah there?'

There you go. Another installment of Adventures in HR.

Memoirs of a scooter owner

It's been about 2 years now since I bought Pepe' and joined the distinguished ranks of scooter ownership. My, how the time flies. I thought this was a good time to look back and review what I've learned since that fateful decision, both for my own amusement and for your edification.

• By my pedestrian calculations, if Pepe' can last another year without needing any major repairs he will have paid for himself in gas money. $1900.
• For whatever reason wives and mothers are solidly against motorcylces, but they're perfectly fine with scooters. Which is funny because the only difference between the two is the location of the motor and I'm just as likely to get pounded on my 50cc scooter as I am a 750cc motorcycle. I just won't be going as fast when it happens. This apparent disconnect in the female mind is due to the fact that scooters are perceived as being totally wimpy (more on this below).
• Scooters are totally wimpy.
• Let me rephrase that. Most scooters are totally wimpy. Many scooters are just as powerful and fast as the top motorcycles. Mine? I'll just say my wife frequently mistakes the sound of its motor for the neighbor's weed-whacker.
• You can get the best parking anywhere when you have a scooter. It's like having a handicapped logo on your license plate, only better because you can park on walkways.
• I haven't received this much simultaneous ridicule and admiration from people around me for a decision in my life since I was an LDS missionary. Really. Many people laugh at you. Many people tell you how smart you are. Many people laugh at you then later tell you how smart you are.
• There are no other similarities between owning a scooter and being a missionary.
• Along with the ridicule/admiration comment, the ratio of people who laugh at you versus the people who tell you how smart you are and how they wish they had a scooter decreases substantially when gas prices go up. I haven't been laughed at for about 7 months now, but I've had a dozen people tell me they want to get a scooter.
• People in Cedar City are unaccostomed to sharing the road with motorcycles, scooters, and bicycles. These strange, alien conveyances confuse them and they are unsure whether the usual laws of the road apply when encountered with one. Because of this you must plan on getting cut-off, tailgated, and merged-into every time you turn on that ignition.
• I really, really want one of those German WWI helmets with the spike on top to replace my current helment. And a cape.

All in all buying Pepe' was a very good decision. He's just about paid for himself in gas savings, is perfect for my daily home-work-home-work-home commute (I usually go home for lunch), can park anywhere, and is fun to ride. If anyone out there is thinking about getting a scooter I would definitely recommend it, provided you: are aware you probably won't be able to use it from December to February(unless you are in Cali); get at least a 150cc (you have to fork out $200 more and get your motorcycle license, but the extra power is worth it); and are secure in your self-image (One great thing about being married is you aren't as worried about being "cool" anymore. You don't have to impress anyone.)

In honor of 2 years of scooter-dom, here's the Scrubs "Ring of Fire" clip.

So how's your day been?

As I was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday pondering on life while a stranger shoved her latex encased fingers into my mouth I came up with the following list:

Five People That Feel Obligated to Make Conversation Who I Wish Didn't

1. The Dental Assistant who is cleaning your teeth
2. Your Barber/Hair Stylist
3. The guy who is also waiting for his wife outside the women's restroom
4. Anyone who is about to try and sell you something
5. The Dentist himself

You will notice that two of these people are to be found at the dental office.

I am now a believer

BYU 59, UCLA 0

Wow. Just...wow.

UPDATE: As of the C State game, I no longer believe.

UPDATE 2: Utah just had their way with "Zion's College". I believe though. Believe they're grossly overrated.

NOTHER ONE UPDATE: Arizona?! Are you kidding me? We lost to Arizona?! I'm seriously rethinking suspending my BYU fanship. Some may say you can't do this. I say I can and will. In fact....there! I just did.

Job Searching Faux Pas number 4

Having your dad or wife check on the job for you.

These aren't uncommon: I get a call from someone asking about a particular job. After giving them all the background I begin to ask about their work experience when they say "Oh, it's not for me, it's for my husband. Um...can he come in for an interview?" Or the other variety: dad dragging his teenage kid into my office, telling me how he/she is a hard worker, would really like to work for our company, and that they (the parent) knows the wife of the brother of the CFO from the PTA while the kid stands silent and awkward in the corner gazing at my demotivation poster.

The logic behind both is ridiculous, of course. If the person won't take the initiative to talk to us themselves why should we think they'd have the initiative to actually do the job? I mean, when a wife is calling for her husband my immediate assumption is that the guy is sitting in the living room not 10 feet from her eating Funyuns, playing Madden 08, and wondering why his wife just can't accept him for who he is. With the teenager it's pretty much the same assumption, only swap Madden for Guitar Hero 2.

There's a place for people like that. It's called the public sector. Ba-Doom CHA!

(That was a joke. Only a joke. No angry e-mails please.)

Catching up with Mr. B

My chance invoking of the name Mr. Belding from the dusty halls of pop culture past in a prior post made me a little curious, so I did a little research (about 3 minutes worth) to see what has happened to everyone's favorite high school principal.

The result? Apparently he has enjoyed his minor celebrity by drinking, ballooning into a Charles Barkleyesque girth, and posing in pictures at seedy bars for college students who remember a thinner, far less creepy Mr. B from their youth.

At least Screech will always have his innocence...

Oh yeah, and if you're going to run a Google image search on Mr. Belding I'd recommend having the family filter on. There are some images no kid brought up on Saved by the Bell should ever see.

Memorial Walk

Here are some pics from the Memorial Walk we put on last Friday. It was a great event and the response from the community was heartening. Everyone from the local banks to the media to SUU went out of their way to help us. It was a moving experience and I'm thankful I got to be a part of it.

CF - What we learned this weekend

1. BYU isn't as good as people think (so far, anyway).
2. Utah is better than people think (so far, anyway).
3. The football leaving your hand during an unbridled moment of celebratory joy is grounds for harsh punishment in the NCAA, yet implementing a system of apartheid to segregate the college community into the privileged and the "lower class" is perfectly fine.
4. Notre Dame still sucks .
5. The most interesting team at the moment could have Long John Silver as their mascot.

Now I know some people are going to argue numbers 1 and 2, so let me explain:

Sure BYU is 2-0, but they struggled at home against a I-AA team and BARELY eeked out a win against Washington, a team that won 2 games last year, got blown out by Oregon last week (who is ranked lower than BYU), and they needed a ridiculous call and a bailout from the Angel of Blocked PAT's to pull it off.

Utah, meanwhile, pulls out a win against Michigan in the Big House and wins handily against UNLV.

If BYU takes UCLA next week, I'll get on the bandwagon. But if I had to guess who's going to have a more interesting season (based on what we've seen so far), I'd have to go with the Utes.

I'm Done

So I've been following politics more in the past two years than any other time in my life. It hasn't been worth it. I thought about venting my angst in a post, but instead I happened upon this cartoon. It sums up my feelings pretty well.

If I write another post about politics this year I want you to punch me the next time you see me. Seriously. In the crotch.

Bad Job Search Advice

One thing I've realized during my time as HR guy is that there are a lot of people out there giving job interview advice that really have no place being out there and giving job interview advice. Case in point:

A few days back a candidate shows up for his interview 40 minutes early. Now I'm used to people showing up way earlier than they need to, but 40 minutes is a record.

ME: Oh...(looking at clock) ...hi. I'm sorry, I thought we had the interview set for 2:00.

CANDIDATE: (Stands in doorway with an expectant look.) Yeah, we do.

ME: (brief pause) You're uh...early.

CANDIDATE: (Studies watch for a moment.) It's almost 1:30. (said in a manner that communicated 1:30 was the logical time to start a 2:00 interview)

Now, typically, when a candidate shows up early they'll apologize and ask if it's a good time. If I'm busy I'll ask them to come back later. If not I'll just go ahead and start it. Not being especially busy (and perhaps a little intrigued by his cavalier flaunting of cultural convention, though also slightly annoyed) I decide to bring him in.

The interview goes on. He's a nice guy, but far less qualified than our other candidates. I'm about to thank him for his time when:

CANDIDATE: Sorry I was a little early. But that's how you interview, right?

ME: What do you mean?

CANDIDATE: Well, Professor _____ (Name withheld not to protect the person's identity, but because I can't remember it. Frankly anyone who says something this stupid deserves public ridicule) in the business department told me that you are supposed to show up at least 30 minutes early for an interview so the secretary can have you sit down and take notes on everything you do. Then she gets with the interviewer afterwards and they compare notes. That's how you interview, right?

ME: (simultaneously flabbergasted and trying not to laugh) I'm sorry, who told you this?

CANDIDATE: The business department (nodding in the direction of SUU).

ME: Well, maybe that's how they did it 40 years ago, but not anymore. You can just show up...you know...at the actual interview time.

CANDIDATE: (looking slightly betrayed) Oh. Um...ok.

The lesson here? If your professor hasn't worked in the private sector since the Truman administration and he or she is giving you interview advice, don't listen. Just...don't listen. Put that Ipod on shuffle and just zone out for a while.

(note: I'm not sure what Mr. Belding has to do with this post, but I'm happy to see him up there just the same.)

I miss John McCain

I try not to blog much about politics anymore since it's a sensitive issue and a sure fire way to tick people off, but I have to get this out.

Whatever happened to John McCain? Remember the guy who expressed outrage over the smear job the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth did on John Kerry? Remember the guy who cared more about getting positive legislation passed than petty partisan politics? The guy who had no problem doing what was right even if it meant rankling his fellow Repubs?

I miss that man. He probably would have made a good president.

I was wrong

I was wrong. Apparently John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Veep, not me. Oh well.
And can I just say good for him? Because basing your entire campaign strategy on convincing people your opponent isn't experienced enough, then turning around and picking someone with even LESS experience as your number 2 takes a lot of cajones. Especially when you are closer to death than any other presidential contender in the last 100 years. Hats off to you Johnny Mac.

From what I've read about Palin I like her: She's the mother of 5, played high school basketball, isn't afraid to stand up to the oil industry (even though her husband is in it), looks kind of like Daphne from Frasier, and as a schoolgirl regularly woke up at 3:00 AM to hunt moose with her father. This is outstanding.

So even though it's an obvious gimmick choice from a desperate McCain (Hey, look! We're not all old white men either! We have women and minorities too! Vote Republican!), I like it. I don't think it will work, but I like it. If for nothing more than the moose hunting thing.

Men in Black

So men in black suits with sunglasses and ear pieces have been walking around the perimeter of our building today, gazing suspiciously at employees and passing college students. Which can only mean one thing: John McCain is finally coming over here to ask me to be his VP.

That or the Secretary of Health and Human Services is dropping by to say hi to the fam. One of those.

Memorial Walk

Work has been a little different this week. It's been harder for everyone to focus on the normal job stuff.

Me and a couple other people have put together a memorial walk for the families of the victims of the plane crash. It will be next Friday from 5:30 to 7:30 at the Canyon Park Trail in Cedar. Anyone who reads this from the Cedar/St. George area and who can make it please help get the word out. Tonight the governor of Utah, Elder Snow (one of the General Authorities of the LDS Church), and Dane Leavitt will be speaking at a community gathering at SUU of around 5,000 people and will announce it for us. We're also working with the local papers and business networks. The mayor has been great and is supporting us. We were hoping to get 200-300 people there, but it's looking like we may get up to 1,000.

I guess the hardest part about something like this is that you want to help but you don't know what you can do. Though it may not be much, it feels good to at least be doing something.

Plane Crash

Last Friday our company plane crashed just outside of Moab. 10 people died, including the pilot who, in addition to flying the company planes, also worked part-time as an I.T. Tech for us. The other 9 people were the staff of a local dermatology office who rented out the plane every month to reach clients in Moab. The cause of the crash is still unknown. Seeing as there was no blackbox, eye-witnesses, or survivors it doesn't look like we will ever know.

I still can't believe this. The pilot's name was David White. I talked with him at his cubicle not a day or two before the crash. Even joked around with him for slacking off in our fitness program.

I've flown with him in the very same plane that is now nothing more than a mass of charred metal. The first time I was in the co-pilots seat and he showed me what all the instruments did and talked about how much he loved flying. I even asked him about his craziest flying stories and he told me about one of his engines going out and having to land on a narrow stretch of I-15 just north of St. George. He was a great pilot and an amazing person. Now he's gone and his wife and four kids are without a husband and father.

Life can change pretty fast.

These, too, are also funny

This is despicable...and funny

I think most of us have seen the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly: The good wife's guide by now (if not, click here). Here's an article along that same vein that another HR guy sent to me. This was written back in WWII when businesses were having to deal with the labor shortage from the draft and is ripe with just as much condescension, misogyny, cluelessness, and unintentional comedy as The Good Wife's guide (particularly number 3).


The funny part is that in my recruiting experience women generally make better employees than men (in the office setting, anyway), as men often refuse to do certain tasks and are constantly in competition with each other.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.


3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.


4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven't previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.

In Memoriam: Brett Favre's Legacy

This is to officially honor the passing of the man we would have remembered Brett Favre as: a rugged, exuberant, talented Super Bowl champion who was the face of one of the most historied NFL teams for over a decade.

Instead that man has been replaced by a flaky, indecisive semi-diva who lost his touch years ago, throws as many interceptions as touchdowns, and struggles over career decisions the same way old people struggle with deciding what to order at Panda Express.

RIP, old Brett Favre.

Why I Love the Gov'ment, episode 2

So I got another gem for you:

As HR guy I am told by the government not to ask job candidates or employees about race, gender, sexual orientation, age, ethnic background, religion, etc., as those things are unrelated to job performance. Yet as HR guy I am also told by the government to submit an annual EEO-1 report that lists, you guessed it, race, gender, age, etc. of each employee and job candidate.

Now how am I supposed to do that for 1600 people without asking them? Seriously, how? If I didn't know any better, I would almost think congress passes laws without considering the impact those laws will have on actual people.

It's amazing to me that, as a country, we want to forget about race, age, and other superficial differences, yet these differences are continually thrust in our faces by the people claiming to keep them away.

Resume Foibles, Part Deux

This one just came in:

References:

Sam Hopkins
Personal Reference
702-983-7763

Debbie New-Last-Name
Academic Reference
202-I-(heart)-DANCING

Name of Boss
Professional Reference
353-888-PHYSICS


Those were the references this individual sent in*. The second reference is apparently a Ms. Debbie New-Last-Name, and her phone number actually has the heart symbol in it (I couldn't get a heart symbol on Blogger.com to show you, but it's there in the resume). How do you dial heart symbol?

Then the last reference is "Name of Boss".

This is spectacular.

Now it's obvious that this individual used some sort of template for the resume, didn't know certain information, planned on coming back once he/she found out (i.e. the dance instructor's married name), and simply forgot. I can't help but think, though - if you don't remember your previous boss' name, do you really want to use them as a reference?

This is why you really should proofread your resume. Becaue you don't want a potential employer to "think of you as a work-alcoholic" who is also "a rabid typist" with a reference named "Name of Boss". You just don't.



*Obviously I've replaced names and the numbers in the phone numbers. Though by all means, call 202-I-Heart-Dancing and see what you get. I believe it is in the D.C. area, they have a wide selection of costumes and there are frequent Kevin Bacon/Mario Lopez sightings.

Resume Foibles

A big part of my job is going through resumes. I went through about 60 resumes yesterday and about 40 today. You know how your mind tends to shift into a hypnotic doze when you're driving along the freeway for hours at a time, snapping out only when something strange goes wizzing by, like a car crash or someone mooning you? Well, going through resumes is a bit like that: extended periods of languid stupor, broken up every now and then by the occasional oddity.

So here you go. The following are the metaphoric car crashes and drive-by moonings I've encountered in my journey down the Resume Highway:


Qualifications:

Dependable, Punctual, and Very Hard-Working. In fact, many people consider me to be a work-alcoholic.

Sorry, we're happy with our current work-alcoholic.


hello how are u? i am a people person. i love to smile,and greet everyone.i truly love people, and would like a chance to learn the business and grow in this business.i will be looking forward to hearing from you soon.

I'm not kidding, that's the actual resume someone sent me. Not the cover letter, but the resume. I'm just glad she had the time to text it in from the back of her friend's Jetta on the way to the Hannah Montana concert.


Attributes:

I am very techno-savvy.

Oh good, because we've just had an opening in the Accounting/Depeche Mode-Related Marketing Department.


Experiance

Unfortunatly I dont have any real experiance with this. Other than work I have done for school, and the bussnise cards I created for Hansen Electric.

That was also in a resume under the 'Work Experience' section. Though at least he admitted he didn't have experience; most people wait until the interview to let that out. There's a reason we have spell check though.


And my personal favorite (which happens on a surprising amount of resumes):

I am a very dependable, responsible, and hard-working person.

Then they go on to list the 14 jobs they have had in the last 6 years and tell you the reason they left each one was "office politics".


And some I've never come across personally, but apparently other recruiters have:

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.

I am very debail oriented.

Those "Getting to Know You" Lists

So I've gotten a few of those "Get to know you" lists lately. I've got no problem with these lists, I just think they could ask more interesting questions. This made me think, "why don't I come up with my own list?" So I did.

Here are 15 questions I came up with off the top of my head that I feel constitute a more interesting "Get to know you" list. I'll answer them this afternoon. You should too. And then send them to me.

UPDATE: Put my answers in. For the third time.


When is the last time you vomited, and what is your longest no-puke streak?

Maybe 4 months ago. Didn't properly reheat some food. Still can't think about sausage gumbo without shuddering. Oohh, just did it again. Longest streak is only about 4 years, which pales in comparison to many I've heard. Please everyone, put me in my place.


If you could punch one celebrity in the face with no repercussions, who would it be?

Shia Le'Beouf

Who would win in a fight and why: Michelle Obama or Richard Simmons, if Richard Simmons was sufficiently riled up and armed with a machete and three road flares?

I'm going with Obama. She would charge Mr. Simmons, who would get a good whack or two in before getting thrown to the ground. Obama would overpower him and forego the dropped machete to strangle him with her bare hands. I don't see Simmons making proper use of the flares (i.e. attempting to burn Obama's eyes out), and had probably tried throwing them at her (unlit) during her charge. Obama: two or three major cuts on her arm, a deep scratch on her right cheek, Simmons: dead.

Now that I think of it, this still isn't a very fair fight, even with the machete. Better give Simmons a trained puma as well. Or a lemur.


What is one thing you wouldn’t confess to your parents, yet have no problem letting thousands of faceless strangers and partial acquaintances on the internet know?

After my mission I met a girl and left college for about 4 months to live in Puerto Rico.


How many times have you used cell-phone issues (bad reception, no minutes, low battery, etc.) as an excuse, when in reality you just didn’t want to talk to the person?

None. Though I've done it with other phones.


On your way home from work you stop by the local automated car wash. After the sudsy scrub, wash, and wax phases the giant blue drying curtains pull back and you emerge, not out of the other side of the car wash, but into Disneyland. Do you: A) pause to investigate this astonishing aberration of reason and dimensional physics, or B) get in line for Space Mountain.

A, but on the way to B.


Are you filling this out at work?

Yes. In fact, I wrote all the questions at work too.


If yes, how much time would it actually take you to finish your average day’s work if you were allowed to go home as soon as you were done?

4 hours. Tops.


You find an uneaten éclair at the top of the garbage bin, virtually untouched by the filth around it. No one is around. You are hungry and it looks very good. Do you eat it?

Yes. In fact, I probably would even if someone was around. That's the way I roll.


Have you ever flipped someone off while driving?

I don't think so, though I have mooned a few people. Once while going 85 mph.


It’s just a typical day. You get into your car to head to work. As you reach for your seat belt, you are astonished to find that, in addition to a kickin’ set of mirror dice, your car has also been fitted with a flux capacitor and a time-date coordinate computer. As you hit 88 mph you find yourself in the neighborhood you grew up in and your 12 year-old self is standing next to the car. What 2 pieces of advice do you give your 12 year-old self that could potentially change the course of your life (before taking off for 2020 to stand in line for the latest, almost-operable iPhone)?

1- If you want to be happy, think of others more than yourself,
2- Invest in Microsoft. And later Apple.


If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or having Mad Cow disease, which would you choose?

Top scientist.

Oh good, I was worried you’d pick the Mad Cow.

Me too.


List 2 things you know you should do but you’ve managed to convince yourself you’re too busy to do them:

1. Keeping up on my Japanese.
2. Hometeaching.


What is the last all-out lie you've told?

The answer to number 4.

As you sit in Bahama Breeze restaurant contemplating the great truths of the universe, you suddenly realize that the coconut shrimp appetizer in front of you is actually a metaphor for your life; the way the different strands of the basket holding the shrimp weave in and out, interlocking with one another like the different friends that have come in and out of your life, how each individual shrimp represents a different period of your childhood and adolescence—some bigger, tastier, and more desirable, others harder, crustier, yet every bit as important in your growth and in making you who you are today, how the contrasting flavors of the pineapple and cocktail dipping sauces symbolize the contrasting personalities and parental styles of your mother and father, who have left distinct, indelible marks on your psyche just as the sweet, delicate taste of pineapple and the bold, robust flavor of tomato and horseradish leave distinct, lingering marks on one's tongue...then the waitress comes and snaps you out of your reverie.

Do you order the Beef Kabobs, Mahi-Mahi, or Surf and Turf?

Surf and Turf.

I was being facetious, part II

A while ago I wrote about how I tend to say ridiculous things jokingly, only people don't always realize I'm joking. I even gave a few examples.

Well, today I unwittingly called the CEO a fascist dictator in front of the entire company.

That one's going to be hard to beat.

Wipeout update

Well, discrimination is alive and well in this country. After looking into being on Wipeout I found out you have to be a resident of California.

And I thought we had come so far as a society...

Oh well. Jen, I'm pulling for you and your hubby to get on it, if only so I can live vicariously through you.

That Wipeout Show

My new goal in life is to be on this show. I don't care about the money. I just want to do all the fun stuff.

Chicago / Minnesota Trip

Chicago was awesome. As was Minnesota. You know what isn't awesome? Going back to work after a week of awesome. Oh well. Here're a few pickies.

Me, wife, city.

We loved Chicago. We had a great hotel about a block from Lake Michigan and right in the middle of the shopping and entertainment district. I went for a Society of Human Resource Management conference so I was gone for a good part of the three days we were there, but we still got out and saw quite a bit.

The conference was at the McCormick Place. This is a picture of the carpet in the McCormick Place. Let me show you pictures of the carpet in two other convention centers I've visited recently and see if you have the same question come to your mind that I had:



The Las Vegas Convention Center...


And the Salt Palace in Salt Lake City.

Did you get it? Are you asking: Why do they decide to build a facility that costs hundreds of millions of dollars (a billion in the case of McCormick Place) then put the ugliest carpet imaginable in there? Really, what's with this? Is there some unwritten rule, some clandestine agreement (or competition even) between cities as to who can get the ugliest carpet in their convention centers? Maybe in the 70's or 80's this would have been justifiable, but that picture of the Salt Palace is of a current remodeling. In other words, they're putting that vomit down ON PURPOSE.

Now I'm no interior designer, but here are five color recommendations just off the top of my head that I am positive would have been better:

1. Blue
2. Green
3. Tan
4. Gray
5. Chartuse

Also, Batman Symbol.

Ok, enough about carpet. I'm here to talk about Chicaaaago. Here's Amy at the beach just a couple blocks from the hotel. They have an awesome boardwalk that stretches for about 12 miles up and down Lake Michigan's coast. It's a cool beach: sand and immense body of water on one side, skyscrapers and cityscape on the other.

Different beach, different day.

This is the Shedd Aquarium, a huge place right on the lake that numerous people told us we had to go see. It didn't disappoint. The beluga whale did, however, as it didn't body slam one seal the whole time we were there. Shamu is shaking his giant, shiny head.

Um...I'm not sure how to explain this picture. They have a statue in front of the aquarium called Man and Fish. It depicts a man either holding, hugging, or slow dancing with a fish. I did what I thought was appropriate.

Best part of the Chicago trip? CUBS GAME. Here's me in the obligatory Yourself-in-Front-of-the-Wrigley-Field-Sign shot.

I'm going to see if I can't photoshop it to say "Save Ferris" instead of "Join past and present Cubs players at blah blah blah".



The game was awesome. I've been a Cubs fan since I was about 11, when I got my first Donruss 88 Rated Rookie Mark Grace baseball card (and before I knew their tortured past/present/likely future), so coming here was a great experience. Really, the history, the fans, the building itself (second oldest park in the Major League, just after Fenway) made it one of the greatest sports experiences of my life.

This is a vid of the seventh inning stretch where everyone sings "Take Me Out to the Ball-Game". My only regret is that there wasn't an irrascible, mildly inebriated Harry Caray there to lead it.



This is a 3-run homerun in the bottom of the seventh. I can't remember who hit it. The Cubs were down 7-1 just before this, but rallied back to 7-5. Then they blew a bases-loaded, no out bottom of the ninth at the top of their order to lose the game. Oh well. It was still awesome.

And can I just say, Cubs fans are amazing. Makes even the rabid Jazz fans at the Delta Center fans (that's right, I refuse to call it the ESA) seem languid by comparison. Though I'm sure the fact that 4 out of 5 people there are plastered has something to do with that.

Post game when you can sit in the rich people seats. After this game the Cubs went on a 6-game losing streak after having the best record in baseball. Part of me is convinced that I somehow jinxed them.

From Chicago we took a two-day jaunt over to Minneapolis to see Amy's brother Dave and his wife Alli. They were nice enough to endure the usual tourist destinations for us. One of which was...

SPACE ALIENS. That's right, Space Aliens, the best Alien-themed bar and grill this side of the currently overflowing Mississippi. Now, you're probably thinking that an Alien-themed bar and grill filled with ticket-redemption arcade games is weird and a little quirky. And you're right. That was what was so fun about it. Good food too.


Look at the little guy. All tuckered out.

Remember hearing about a large, metropolitan bridge spontaneously collapsing for no apparent reason and killing people a while back? This is the portion of freeway parallel to that bridge, the part that didn't collapse. Not a great pic, but see that big space where the river shows through? That should be a road.

I didn't know this, but my wife is a Dart Shark. Sure, she acts like she doesn't know what she's doing; will even bounce a few darts off the monitor and the walls to create the illusion of novice-ness, but truthfully? She's a killer. I think we played 5 games and she won 4 of them, including an astonishing 13, 18, and bulls-eye set to clear the rest of us out in 301.


Of all the tense moments of the trip: walking through Chicago around midnight, the taxi cab that slammed into the back of a minivan not 10 feet away from us the day before, the Cubs dropping a bases-loaded, no-out bottom of the ninth to the Orioles -- this was actually the scariest.

This is me in a stall in the men's restroom of the Minneapolis Airport. Just as I realized where I was, I saw a man's black, wing-tipped dress shoe in the stall next to me. I'm not kidding, I was legitimately scared. Not so scared I couldn't get a pic for my loyal blog-readers though.

If you don't know why this would be scary, google United States Senator, bathroom, and Minneapolis Airport. Or just click on the link.

The aforementioned Dave and Alli with their kids Adam and Emily.

Lest you think the only sights in Minneapolis have to do with Alien-themed restaurants, our nation's crumbling infrastructure, or the sordid sexual habits of our noble politicians, I am adding this short vid of the neighborhood we stayed in. Minnesota was great. Very open, very green, very fun place. Definitely on our short list of Places We'd Like To Live. It was also great to see Dave and Alli, who are fun to hang out with.

Next trip? Possibly San Francisco in October. It's easier to get through the monotony of office life if I know there's a trip coming up. In the mean time I think Sorro should start putting together a "Convention Center Carpets Across the World" collage to test my theory, as he is the best-traveled person I know.