Resume Foibles

A big part of my job is going through resumes. I went through about 60 resumes yesterday and about 40 today. You know how your mind tends to shift into a hypnotic doze when you're driving along the freeway for hours at a time, snapping out only when something strange goes wizzing by, like a car crash or someone mooning you? Well, going through resumes is a bit like that: extended periods of languid stupor, broken up every now and then by the occasional oddity.

So here you go. The following are the metaphoric car crashes and drive-by moonings I've encountered in my journey down the Resume Highway:


Qualifications:

Dependable, Punctual, and Very Hard-Working. In fact, many people consider me to be a work-alcoholic.

Sorry, we're happy with our current work-alcoholic.


hello how are u? i am a people person. i love to smile,and greet everyone.i truly love people, and would like a chance to learn the business and grow in this business.i will be looking forward to hearing from you soon.

I'm not kidding, that's the actual resume someone sent me. Not the cover letter, but the resume. I'm just glad she had the time to text it in from the back of her friend's Jetta on the way to the Hannah Montana concert.


Attributes:

I am very techno-savvy.

Oh good, because we've just had an opening in the Accounting/Depeche Mode-Related Marketing Department.


Experiance

Unfortunatly I dont have any real experiance with this. Other than work I have done for school, and the bussnise cards I created for Hansen Electric.

That was also in a resume under the 'Work Experience' section. Though at least he admitted he didn't have experience; most people wait until the interview to let that out. There's a reason we have spell check though.


And my personal favorite (which happens on a surprising amount of resumes):

I am a very dependable, responsible, and hard-working person.

Then they go on to list the 14 jobs they have had in the last 6 years and tell you the reason they left each one was "office politics".


And some I've never come across personally, but apparently other recruiters have:

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.

I am very debail oriented.