Putting the "Man" in Human Resources

So, as promised, here is a brief re-cap of my adventures at the SHRM conferences two weeks ago.

First of all, I just need to say that Vegas is incredibly hot in July. I'm not kidding, it was like 127 degrees there. As I walked the 30 feet from the door of the hotel to my car - polo shirt clinging to the sheen of sweat that had spontaneously appeared on my back - I realized that the heat is just one more similarity Vegas shares with Hell.

It was a good time though. The wife and kid came with me, so we stayed at the Hughes Center Marriot. I'm not big on the whole cigarette-smoke filled, women-in-their-50's-in-tight-cocktail-waitress-outfits, hordes-of-elderly-folks-and-Asian-tourists-putting-yet-another-nickel-into-a-slot-machine-like-so-many-laboratory-rats-Casino-scene anyway, so Marriot was a nice change.

SHRM does a number of conferences, one of which is a huge annual gathering where people come from all over the world. Last year it was in D.C. and Colin Powell was the opening speaker. This year it was Lance Armstrong.

He was great. Very inspiring. He also jokes openly about only having one testicle.

Here we are at the aforementioned Marriot. Great pic of a gate and the parking garage.

Here's what the inside of the SHRM annual conference looks like. They said there were 22000 people there. I don't know about that, but I do know that probably 4 out of 5 HR professionals are women. That's why the profession is so wimpy.

The conference was held at the Las Vegas Convention Center, which is a beast of an enormous building. I read somewhere that it has around 2 million square-feet of space in it. Which amounts to over 1800 of my house put together.

If your mission was to make themickel cry, Las Vegas Convention Center, mission accomplished.

This is a gargantuan, hyptnotic, multi-colored cone in a corner of the MGM Grand. I think they were trying to reproduce the CPU from the blockbuster movie Tron. For the two of you who have seen Tron.

Other highlights:

• Great presentations on employee compensation and retention. Basically I learned my job is only going to get harder over the next few years. Much harder. The baby-boomers are retiring and there is a projected worker shortage of 10 million by 2010. Great if you're unemployed, horrible if you're a recruiter.


• The guy who won American Idol a while back sang at the opening - I think his name's Reuben. I actually don't care enough to Google it and find out. I guess this is pretty big if you're into American Idol.


• SWAG. More swag than you could shake a stick at. I actually didn't get much this year, not wanting to have to cart it home.


• We scored three nights at our choice of 4 different quality Vegas hotels for only $150. All we have to do is attend a 2-hour presentation on Marriot Grand-Chateux timeshares. This special is targeted at older, rich couples who have money to burn, so it will be fun to watch their reactions when a not-quite wealthy couple who look like they're 18 walk in.
  
• And, as always, company funded meals, travel, and everything else. I don't take advantage of this as much as most people do, but still enjoy it. Great restaurants around the Hughes Center too.

Oh yeah, and if anyone gets that, "If your mission was to make me cry" comment, they get a fabulous prize. Here's a hint: replace 'themickel' with 'Kordos'.

Exciting New Update

So the grumpy old minister I wrote about earlier just gave me a good fist-shaking as I passed him on my scooter this morning. This is terrific news because after the article in The Spectrum came out I feared his crusade against people going 5 mph over the speed limit had ended. Now he's back in the game, baby!

I'm not kidding - this guy's nuts. It's only a matter of time before he puts a rake through someone's head, then justifies it by comparing it to when God commanded Joshua to wipe out the Philistines because they were sinners. He's that crazy. Anyways, he gave me a good fist-shake, pointed frantically at the speed limit sign and motioned for me to slow down. I was going 27. So I smiled and sped up.

If you hear about my body being found in a shallow desert grave in the next day or two, you'll know what happened.

The Japanese are WAY funnier than we are

So I'm still out of town. Took a week vacation and am not able to get any pics up yet. This is even better though.

Holy cow. If you haven't seen these already, you've got to check them out. These are three clips from Japanese television that show that the Japanese are not only our superiors in electronics, but in humor and in not-being-lameness as well.

Enjoy.

First, the 100 Man Effect

My favorite is the fourth clip where they throw the guy in the air, then disappear. I think it's my favorite because most Japanese businessmen are so stuffy and morose and could definitely use something like this.

And I still have some pent-up anger from getting kekko'd for two years straight...

Silent Library

This one brings up fond memories of playing the batsu game with Searle, Rands, and Miyasaki every morning in Atsugi.

I'll just give you the link since I'm having trouble posting the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcofZqccSQA

Japanese Bathroom Prank

Warning: several butt-shots ensue. Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Especially when they work the boat into the whole thing.

Japanese Mission Impossible: Ski Resort spa prank

Serious, can you imagine someone trying to do any of these in America? Do you know how many lawsuits would ensue? Let's take the port-o-potty one: First, the poor sap who had his or her arse put on display for the whole world to see would sue. Then, the spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend who is standing by laughing would sue. After that each passerby would sue, claiming emotional trauma. Then the families of the victims would sue. Then Johnny Knocksville would sue, claiming they stole the idea from him. And if it ever aired on TV, a couple thousand more people would sue. America is stupid that way.

Though, to be completely honest -- if I went to a ski resort and ended up careening down the bunny hill in nothing but a loincloth, I'd probably consider getting some money out of it too. Or at least one of those delicious $12.00 ski resort burgers...

Been out of town

Hey, I'm back. I've been in Vegas at a Society of Human Resource Convention. I'll get a post up on that soon.

Actually, let me rephrase that.

Someday, I will get a post up on that.

Is it wrong that I take a cruel, vindictive pleasure in this?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/06/08/paris.hilton.ap/index.html

The part about Paris Hilton getting dragged out of a courtroom crying and screaming, that is.

I guess I need to start out by saying I despise Paris Hilton. And not just her, but this whole breed of human-wasteland-as-celebrity that we've produced as a society (i.e. Spears, Lohan, etc.). With all the serious, messed up things happening in the world the fact that we pay so much attention to these shallow, intellectually vapid dolts actually makes me vomit in my own mouth a little. Millions displaced and dying in Darfur? Who cares, Paris Hilton got another DUI - slap it on the front page! The president of Russia is ticked off about the U.S. missle Defense Shield? That's not a story, Lindsey Lohan just went back into rehab!

Do you realize we were within a George W. Bush gaffe of starting a second Cold War with Russia just a few days ago? Do you know what CNN.com's headline story was? Hilton Reports to Jail.

Anyways, I've gone off on a tangent here. Back to my original subject.

After hearing that the tart in question had been let off on "house-arrest" due to an unspecified "medical-condition" (read: she wouldn't eat jail food), I was extremely disturbed. I mean, would any of us - the poor, insignificant lumpen of the proletariat - get the same concession if a judge had specifically made orders against it? Yet here she was, three days into her already shortened term, going home to spend the rest of her "punishment" in her mansion. Harsh.

Fortunately the judge brought her back into the courtroom and ordered her to serve the original sentence of 45 days in its entirety, in jail, restoring an iota of my faith in the American legal system and California's government as he did so. Good for you, unnamed judge.

It's pretty low in me, I admit, but I did get a certain sense of satisfaction in reading this. Can you believe she actually called out for her mother in the courtroom, like a spoiled 8-year old fighting with her brother? Perhaps justice isn't always for sale in this country.

Enjoy the food, Paris.

Another grevious sin to add to my list...

This is awesome. There's an old man who lives just a block or two away from us who gets absolutely livid when people 'speed' by his house. Two problems though: 1) he lives on a road that is practically the lone outlet for over 2000 people and is therefore very busy, and 2) his definition of speeding is anything over 25 mph. Over 20 mph, actually. He'll shake his fist, jump out into the road, and even throw brooms and shovels at speeding cars to get them to slow down. We've driven by him going 25 before and still get the condemning pump of the fist. What's even more fun is the fact that he's the minister at the neighboring church.

Anyways, up till now only those who live in our neck of the woods have been aware of this very special man (affectionately referring to him as "the crazy old man"), but as of today his place as a local celebrity has been sealed forever, as he made the front page of the newspaper. Check it out:

Minister: Speeding is a Sin

Keep in mind this is the same paper that once put a career fair (and the back of my head) on the front page, but still...quite an accomplishment.

Just to give you an idea of this guy, imagine Kramer in his 70's. And not funny. And the minister of a church. Here's my favorite quote from the article:

He said the people who complain about him and tell the police they're not speeding are liars and therefore sinners.

"It is not Christian," he said.

Ah, yes. Because nothing shows Christian love like following a complete stranger into his place of work and screaming at him in front of co-workers, supervisors, and customers for going 30 mph past your house. That's the way to convert the world.

Four Way Stops ≠Rocket Science

That's it, I can't take it anymore. I have to vent.

Why can't people figure out 4-way stops?

Seriously, are they that hard? Here's what you do - if someone gets to a 4-way stop before you, you let them go. If you get there at the same time, whoever is on the right goes first. That's it.

Pretty simple, right? Apparently not, because it seems half the people I meet at these things heven't the least idea what they're supposed to do.

Should I go? No, I think he does. Well wait, he's not moving and I got here 10 seconds before him, so maybe that means I go. Oh, this person just pulled up on the other side. I better wait until he goes. Or how about I just pull forward ten feet into the middle of the intersection and stop? Yeah, that should facilitate an efficient transit for everyone.

If you say that last line in a Brian Regan voice, it's at least 5 times funnier.

As far as I can tell this is what goes on in these peoples' minds. Maybe we need to call a town meeting or something to address the issue. You know, we sound a big gong, the whole city gathers at town hall, the mayor does a 5-minute presentation (with role play) on proper 4-way stop etiquette, the old people get a chance to gripe about how fast college students drive, we all have donuts and go home happy. Problem solved.

Of course, we're still figuring out how to use our blinkers in this town, so expecting everyone to successfully pull off omething as cryptic and intricate as the 4-way stop procedure may be asking a little too much.

Oh yeah, and while we're on the subject, here's another thing that makes me mad -- people driving while on their cell-phones. Hey, thanks for risking the lives of everyone around you just so you can talk to your roommate about what happened on Lost or how your boyfriend thinks you talk too much five minutes sooner than if you just waited until you got home. We all appreciate it.

Ok, I'm done. Thanks for letting me vent. Now that I look back at the post, I guess my purpose in writing today was to show how most people are stupid, but I'm not.

I hope that's what you take away from this: most people are stupid, but not me.

Hey, have a good one.

Hillary Clinton scares me

...Honestly. I am frightened by her. I would love a woman president, but she's not a woman. She's...

EVIL

Obama all the way.

Check out this Onion article: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/hillary_clinton_tries_to_woo

Present from Dundler-Mifflin

It's the simple things in life that bring happiness. Like getting a Dwight Schrute bobblehead for your office desk.

I'll get a pic up sometime. And I stress sometime.

WalMart gave me salmonella and all I got was this lousy jar of peanut butter

Hey I'm back. Sorry for not posting, I'm a horrible blogger, I'll do better blah blah blah.

Anyways, have you heard the whole certain peanut butters are tainted with salmonella thing? Turns out I'm a lucky winner! That's right, I got one of the select few jars with salmonella. Not only did I get the jar, but I ate the entire thing -- and got sick! I'm pretty excited about it, as I've never won anything like this before. And while it's not McDonalds' Monopoly game or a trip to the NBA Finals from Nestle Crunch, at least it's something. Almost like getting one of Willy Wonka's golden tickets...

So on Friday we realized we had a special jar and that it was most likely the cause of my recent discomfort (we thought I just had the flu or something), so I called up the special customer service line of the company responsible, ConAgra Foods, just to see if salmonella is serious enough that I need to see the doctor. Apparently this line had been set up just for customers who had questions about the salmonella outbreak.

After sitting through a 5-minute recorded description of the problem (which assured us that they didn't think there was a problem, but were recalling the PB "just to be safe,") they put me on hold. To my surprise, it almost immediately made the clicking sound meaning an actual person was going to talk to me. What joy!

Instead it hung up on me.

So I called them again later, sat through the description, sat through a 20 minute hold time (I hate hold music. I really, really hate it) finally heard the clicking noise again and got...another machine. After listening to the steady, disinterested drone of some woman reading off a script for another few minutes, telling me the exact same thing the first message did, I was ready to hang up and take my chances with the salmonella. But then the machine asked me: "Do you have a pencil so I can give you the address?" It had been a real person the whole time. She hadn't asked what my question was, she had just launched into her scripted spill designed to turn away as many people as possible.

So I told her all I wanted to know was how bad salmonella is and if I needed to see a doctor. I've been feeling better lately and hate going to the hospital. I thought this was the type of question the "special customer-help line" was designed to answer, but apparently the 15-minute orientation they gave their temps didn't cover such a strange question, as she replied, "Uh...just one moment."

A long pause as I hear the shuffling of paper. Finally she gets back on and proceeds to read me the entire background of the disease salmonella.

When she finishes I say, "So I probably don't need to see a doctor then?" to which she replies, "Um...it says here it usually stays in the system for 4-7 days."

"Ok. I guess I'm good then."

"Do you want to take down the address so you can get a free replacement jar of peanut butter?"

So all I have to do is send the lid from the previous jar and a request to this company, and they'll send me a free replacement jar of PEANUT BUTTER! Awesome! Because I definitely feel like eating more of their peanut butter right now! I mean, the last one was so good...

That's my PB story. Glad to be back.

KATIE

Here is our baby girl. Katie the string eater.

Snape

I just interviewed Severus Snape. I'm not even kidding. But only if Severus Snape was a computer programmer from Arizona.

I feel like you need to know these things.

Politics

I follow politics. Not as closely as our friend Sorro, but close enough to be thoroughly disgusted by it.

I thought about posting a rant detailing my many grievances, but figured posting a few links would provide the venting I need after the most recent election. Here you go.


http://www.libertypost.org/cgi-bin/readart.cgi?ArtNum=74986

This one has some great advice for the Democrats. It was written just after the 2004 elections but still applies today. While I don't consider myself a Republican, it outlines most of the reasons why I definitely don't consider myself a Democrat.


http://opensecrets.org

Great site. See who finances your favorite politician's campaign. Cigarrettes, anyone?


http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/11/09/va.senate/index.html

Lost by only one third of one percent. Ouch. Bet Allen wishes he could take back that "Macaca" remark. It pays to have one of your intern lackeys follow your opponent around with a camera all the time.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=tdAjGXFJw3s

Pre-school attack ad. Awesome.


And of course, the one redeeming quality of politics: political cartoons.

http://cagle.com/politicalcartoons/

Hero

I have a new hero. His name is Mark Roberts.

http://espn.go.com/page2/s/drehs/030306.html

While I'm on this particular subject, I may as well drop the link to one of the best YouTube videos ever: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZGIq1X7_RZk. I don't think this would be half as funny if the announcers weren't British.

I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog...

In other news, I recently purchased a scooter. Here it is, in all its blue fiberglass glory. It's a Kymco ZX50 which I've christened "Pepe" (pronounced peh-pay).

Pepe may only be a 50cc, but he has surprising umph. He tops out at about 45 on flat surfaces and struggles a bit on hills, but I couldn't be any happier with him. He gets me to work and back a couple time a day and makes it so I can leave the car at home for momma.

And here's the best part. The price of a fill-up: 3 BUCKS.

Long live Pepe.

Accident Pics at last

Here's the X-ray, not that you can tell where the actual fractures are or anything. I just thought I should get the most out of it since it cost me 150 bucks.

Here we are at the cabin pre-accident, having a merry old time. It's all fun and games until someone breaks their pelvic bone.
*Not an actual pic of Panguitch Lake. Added it just to give you a feeling of the general ambiance there.

So there are the pics. I was going to write more, but this is too depressing. I need to blog about something more fun.

ATVs are evil

It's true. That's why this elephant, an Asiatic symbol of royal power and prestige, is attacking one.

(I've got more pics, but for whatever reason Blogspot won't let me put them on. Seems unfair, apparently MC Hammer isn't having any problems getting his on.)

So a week ago we were at a friend's cabin in scenic Panguitch Lake. Amy went on a 4-wheeler ride with a friend, they accidentally tipped it, she was thrown off and fractured her pelvic bone in 4 different areas. We spent a good part of Labor Day weekend in the emergency room.

The good news is that she's ok, they don't have to do surgery or put steel pins in her hip or anything. The bad news is she has to stay in bed for a couple weeks and can barely move around. Add to that the baby and my full-time job and we're in a tough situation. Luckily we have awesome family and friends and have been able to get the help we need.

As if our lives hadn't been eventful enough lately. Amy has a great attitude, she was cracking jokes with the doctor and nurses and is pretty positive. It's been a little tough for me -- as the caring fix-all husband I was wishing it was me in the hospital bed instead, but all you can do is watch. Also, I've been the sole "can you go get this" or "will you move this for me" or "I feel like some tapioca pudding and waffles, will you get that?" person for the last 10 months and was looking forward to a break, as well as having my wife back. Now my tour has been extended another 2 months. What do you do though? Could have been a whole lot worse.


Anyways, here are some highlights from the weekend:

1. The "My-wife-is-hurt-so-driving-rules-be-damned" drive to the hospital.
2. A couple of country boys came in to the ER while we were there, one with a severe laceration on his forehead where a high powered rifle had recoiled and hit him in the head with its scope. While getting stitched up his friend tried to convince the doctor to do it in a lightning pattern so he "would look like Harry Potter".
3. As we were leaving another person came in, this time a young woman who had been thrown off a horse and suffered a concussion and compound fracture. Oddly enough she was laughing hysterically about the whole thing and kept saying things like, "Did I look hot when I fell?" Her boyfriend claimed she had "turned goofy" once they pulled into the hospital parking lot, but I think she was hopped up on goofballs.

Triathlon number 2

Last weekend was the XTerra Sport Triathlon in beautiful Ogden Utah. Ok, Ogden isn't really beautiful. In fact if the state of Utah were somebody's body, Ogden would be the area in the small of the back where sweat accumulates and the butt begins. No offense to anyone from Ogden of course. It's just a good thing the tri was actually held at Pineview Reservoir and Snowbasin (which are close to Ogden).

This is my second Tri. The first one was back in May in St. George and was really fun. This one kicked my butt. Having been sick and immobile for almost the entire month of June and having the baby in July put me behind in my training, so I wasn't in the best shape to begin with. On top of that I was a little sick come race day and ended up puking a third of the way through the bike course.

The puke was blue.

With little white things in it.

PowerAde tastes the same on the way out.

(Quick sidenote: did you know that Shakespeare was the one who came up with the term "puking"? It's true. We owe so much to the Bard.)

So after I Called Ralph on the Big White Phone I felt a little better, but decided I would just finish the bike ride and call it quits. I took it easy and hung out in the back of the pack (the very back) and after a tortuous 13 mile climb finally made it to the run transition area. After resting 5 or 10 minutes I thought I could finish the 3 mile run so I went for it. I walked on the hills (whoever designed this course is a sick, sick person -- almost the entire thing was uphill) and ran on the even parts and was able to finish. Last in my age group, but I finished all the same.

So I wouldn't call my experience at this triathlon fun, but I'm definitely glad I did it. It's kind of a bummer to train and plan on something like this for months only to get sick that day, but there's also something great about overcoming obstacles and achieving a goal despite unforeseen difficulties. And they give you free popsicles at the end.

Baby's first triathlon. I hope she does them when she grows up. I'd rather have a sporty tom-boy than a cheerleader type.
The finish line. I did the first one in 1:55. This one took 2:55 for roughly the same distance.

I think it's great when kids feed dogs from the table.

I saw this Hummer in the parking lot and had to get a picture of it, as it is possibly the only Hummer I have ever seen that actually had some dirt on it. My Toyota Corolla probably sees more off-road action than most Hummers.


Amy and Baby.

I'm Back

Sorry about the delay there. I realize it's been over a month since my last post. You may think I'm lazy or a procrastinator. And you'd be right. Anyways, here are the pics of Katie Hart Mickel, as promised.

Here's me in mid someone's-taking-a-picture-of-me-so-I-should-look-up movement while baby looks on.

The ride home from the hospital. For some reason we were really worried about putting the baby in the car seat, as though its hard plastic construction and cruel harness might hurt her.

Here is the card detailing the weight and length of the baby after she was born. I find it interesting that we classify our newborn offspring the same way would a newly caught fish: "Yeah, she's 6 pounds 15 ounces, 19 inches long. Beautiful coloring."

What are we describing here, a human being or a rainbow trout?

Mom and baby.

Katie is awesome. Apparently she's pretty mellow and good-tempered. That's what others tell us anyway. We wouldn't know, she's the first baby we've had so we don't have anything to compare her against.

She has a full head of dark, brown hair and olive colored skin, which is interesting since Amy and I are both pasty white and blonde. Although Amy's mom is that way, as is one of my brothers, so I suppose the genes are in us. We were both surprised when she came out, I guess we expected a blonde, freckled little kid with pig-tails.

So far we don't think she really looks like either of us, though she does resemble a tiny, wrinkled, grumpy old man with a receding hairline. Or a little Buddha, which, come to think of it, may be a great nickname.

The eagle has landed.

Well, the baby has landed, I guess. And she didn't really land, it was more of a gory spurt followed by the emergence of a wrinkled, purple mini-person who was promptly placed under a heater. At any rate, the baby is here.

What can I say about it? I love being a dad already. Most fun I've ever had. The actual birth went very smoothly and Amy did great. It was also very cool to watch, which surprised me as I cringe at the sight of needles. The baby is wonderful with a full head of dark hair (we're both blonde so it's kind of weird), and all she does is eat and sleep. Mostly sleep. She's awesome.

We named her Katie Hart, though "The Yellow Dart" is still on the table as a nickname. I'll get some pictures up sometime.

Still nothin'

So it turns out due dates are about as reliable as the 10-Day forecast. That's something else they don't tell you your first time. Or maybe they did and I was too busy trying to understand what the difference between the uterine wall and the placenta is.

This is definitely the week though. It looks like Friday.

It's a busy week for us; July 1st is our anniversary, July 3rd is Amy's B-Day, July 4th is July 4th. On top of all that, I just found out that my grandmother passed away and July 5th is the funeral. Interesting variety of activities this week.

At least I don't have Mono...

Speaking of Mono, here's my favorite viral video of the week: "Superfriends: Wazzup" Can't leave without a video.

Nothing yet...

Our due date is tomorrow. No blast-off yet though. The doc says this is the week, and if it hasn't come by next Thursday they will induce it. Exciting, but kind of anti-climatic.

In other news, I am seriously considering buying a moped. Just thought you should know.

Book Review and the NBA

I guess one good thing about being sick for two weeks is you suddenly have plenty of time to read. First up is The Last Season by Phil Jackson, the coach of Kobe's Team (previously known as the Los Angeles Lakers.)

This was a fun read. I'm into sports but have never really read sports books, so when I saw this on Amazon for 5 bucks I couldn't pass it up. The book is a compilation of journal entries written by the Zenmeister during the Lakers ill-fated 2004 season (the year Karl Malone defected from the Jazz to join a team that actually had a chance to win the Finals). Very interesting to get an inside account of what life is like in the NBA; the egos, the arguments, the tantrums -- Kobe is even more immature than you would think. So are most of these guys.

Jackson is an interesting person himself. He has a passion for the sport and coaching, yet somehow keeps himself distanced from everyone and everything. He also claims to be a basketball purist, interested only in team ball and unselfish play, making it hard to understand how he could return to the Lakers and orchestrate one of the most individualistic, show-boating teams in history.

(Disclaimer: If you're not into the NBA, the rest of this post won't be even remotely interesting to you)

And while we're on the subject of the NBA, let me just take a moment to say this:

I AM WAY SMARTER THAN ALL THE SPORTSWRITERS AND SO-CALLED EXPERTS OUT THERE.

I'm not even kidding. These guys don't know anything. Here were my predictions at the beginning of the playoffs, as soon as the match-ups were decided:

Round One
EAST WEST
Detroit over Milwaukee in 4 San Antonio over Kings in 5
Miami over Chicago in 5 Phoenix over Lakers in 6
NJ over Indiana in 6 Clippers over Denver in 7
Cleveland over Wash in 6 Dallas over Memphis in 5

Round Two
Miami over NJ in 5
Detroit over Cleveland in 6
Phoenix over Clips in 6
Dallas over S.A. in 7

Conference Finals
Dallas over Phoenix in 6
Miami over Detroit in 7

Finals
Dallas vs. Miami

A blue city name means I got the winner right, a blue number means I either nailed the amount of games or I got closer than Bill Simmons of ESPN.com, who I used as a comparison (because he's my favorite writer). Simmons had the Lakers playing Dallas in the conf. finals and losing, and a Detroit/Dallas finals. As you can see, I got every team right, including Miami and Dallas in the Finals. If we were to scrore predictions giving one point for choosing the correct team and another for calling the game number, I would have 23 points. Simmons would have 15. And he did better than most.

Check these chumps out: ESPN EXPERT PICKS . The 5 resident experts at ESPN.com gave their picks for each series in the playoffs. They were wrong most of the time. Only one had Miami beating Detroit, only two had Dallas beating San Antonio, and 3 of them picked New Jersey to beat the Heat. Instead the Heat won in 5.

Who are these guys? How can they be "experts" when they can't even call half the games right? Would you trust a mechanic who is right less than half the time? How about a doctor who diagnoses correctly only 40% of the time? Er...ok, those are both poor examples. Forget I said that.

Anyways, I guess my point is that people should pay me to watch sports and then tell them what I think. Really. This needs to happen. Because as far as I'm concerned, I've just exposed the leading experts as frauds. You'll notice that I left my Finals pick unidentified. That's because it is right, and I refuse to share my talent of foresight without some sort of compensation.

Interested parties can contact me through a comment on this blog. Special rates for David Stern, ABC Network execs, and Charles Barkley if he gives me a cut. I'm your Rain Man Charles.

MONO

Mono. It turns out I've had MONO for the past 2 weeks. What am I, like 14 years old?

Anyways, I'd have to say that mono is by far one of the least fun ailments I've had. Not that I've had that many, but if I had to choose between mono and say, having ring worm -- I'd go with the ring worm. Or food poisoning. Or being the top scientist in my field.

I'm back at work now after a nearly two-week long absence. I'm dreading going all my messages and e-mails. Which is why I'm writing this. Ok, here I go.

I don't know why...

...maybe it's because I'm still a little out of it, but this is unbelievably funny to me:

http://www.chickenmcnugget.com/video/gijoereggae.htm

It's a dubbing over one of those old GI Joe public service announcements that would teach us as kids not to start fires or to make fun of old people.

sick...

I've been out the past 6 days with Strep Throat. "My brother and I used to say that staying home from work for a week would be like heaven. Instead I can't sleep, I can't eat, I've got two boilers--this isn't heaven, this sucks!"

Ok, I had to invoke a random movie quote to get my feelings across. This past week was miserable. No fun at all. Apparently Strep (view nasty pic I got off the net at your own risk) is pretty common, but it sounds like mine is a lot worse than most.

For instance, several people I've spoken to have mentioned "staying in bed the whole time" or "sleeping for days". What? They were able to sleep? I didn't sleep for nearly 4 days and the only refreshing bed time I had was lying down so I wouldn't pass out. They also didn't say anything about a throat so raw that eating YOGURT feels like swallowing extra large grain sand-paper. Or gums so saturated with blood that they've swollen to twice their normal size. Or the inside of their mouths erupting into cold sores like boils on poor Job's naked body.

Well that's what I got baby!

Anyways, I'm thinking I'm almost out of it. I'm back at work anyways. The last time I had been to the doctor for a sickness was about 14 years ago, so I suppose I was due. I also think it's good to be sick every once in a while, just so you appreciate what it's like to be normal. So, here you go. Here are 7 Everyday Things Having Strep Throat has Taught me not to Take for Granted: (in no particular order)

1. Being able to turn my head.
2. Sleeping more than 2 hours at a time.
3. Being able to swallow water, milk, or even my own saliva without my throat erupting into a fiery hell.
4. Working.
5. Hugging my wife without the fear that my diseased, leprous touch could destroy our unborn child.
6. Fruit.
7. All the nights where I haven't woken up miserable, drenched in sweat, and with Eminem's "Without Me" playing relentlessly through my head. I'm not kidding. 3 days in a row, everytime I woke up:

"Guess who's back? Back again? Dah nuh nuh DA NA DA NA DA NA!!!"

It was as if Slim Shady himself were orchestrating the soundtrack to my physical anguish. I didn't care much for the song to begin with, but now that it's forever associated with sickness for me it has dropped into the deepest realm of musical loathing I have, right next to Alanis Morissette and that Semi-Charmed Kind of Life song they played every 5 minutes back in high-school.

Ok, I'm ranting here a bit, but it's helping me get the tension out. Therapy, that's what it is. I've got more to say, but it will have to wait till tomorrow. Extra points to whoever can get that movie quote.

The Triathlon

The line of cars behind us to get into Sand Hollow at 6:00 in the morning. Apparently there were 1300 racers and their families at the Tri, so it was pretty crowded. And these were the people who got there early.

The transition area where you keep your bike, wetsuit, running junk, etc. Most people had nice expensive road bikes. I used a heavy, unwieldy mountain bike that takes twice as much energy to get moving, proving that I am much more of a man than they are. Or that I'm too cheap to spring 25 bucks for a rental.

Me at the Hollow with my tight, tight shorts.

We stood behind this guy and had to get a pic. Not only does his shirt say "Ninjas are sooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants," but we found him in the Port-O-Potty line. Just an all around great picture on a number of levels.

The start of the race. You do a half mile swim, exit via the boat ramp and run to the transition area while stripping off your skin-tight wetsuit and trying your best to not fall over. Then you change into bike gear and ride for 12 miles along a road littered with water bottles, ambulances, and the shattered forms of fellow competitors whom defeat has already claimed (ok, I only saw one) Then you ride back to the transition area to drop your bike off and start the grueling 3 mile run.

The start of the Sprint distance men, ages 20-29. That's me in the middle.

Me after the swim doing the aforementioned running and stripping.

I didn't get any pics of the bike or run, so this is a fast forward to the end of the race where they set up this huge tent filled with oranges, grapes, water bottles, bread, and popsicles. It was almost worth running the race just for that.

My buddy Bret and I just after finishing. He's the one who convinced me to do it in the first place.

Well, I did it. Final time was 1:55:49. They said the average time for a beginner at that course was 2 to 2 and a half hours, so I did all right. It was a lot of fun, I'm definitely doing it again. Great atmosphere, great people, great experience. At first I was a bit tentative, thinking the tri would be filled with die-hards who ate nothing but granola and cottage cheese and who hated beginners getting in their way, but it wasn't like that at all. The only competition is with yourself. It was great to see all sorts of people; young, old, overweight, skinny, beginners and professionals, out there together having fun and supporting one another. I would highly recommend it.

Next one is the Xterra Sport at Snowbasin in August. Can't wait.

What's going on

I'm going to forego the usual "Sorry I haven't posted for so long" e-mail and just tell you what's going on in my life.

We are now 32 weeks pregnant. That means the baby is coming, and it's coming soon. If we were to compare pregnancy to a semester in college, right now would be the part where you suddenly realize that all the projects you've had all year to work on really are going to be due, so you better get started. Right after this game of Mario Kart.

The St. George triathlon is this week. Remember a post from back in November when I said I was planning to train for a triathlon? That's right. I've been doing it. It's this weekend.

I wish I could say my training has been like in Rocky IV where Rocky runs up mountains, grows a beard, and bench presses logs to get ready for the Drago fight, but it's been more of a James Braddock getting ready to fight Max Baer in Cinderella Man: a couple of quick workout montages interrupted by clips of him in his family life. Needless to say, my goal is just to finish the thing.

It's been fun though, after work today a buddy and I are going to the triathlon site to get a practice run in. I also want to try out my new wetsuit that I laid down 100 bones for. Here's a pic:

(No pic at this time)

The first time I used the wetsuit I almost passed out. Not a good sign.

In other news, the NBA playoffs are in full swing and I'm loving it. I'm going for Dallas and the Heat this year. Anything but another Detroit-San Antonio final. I don't think the country could take another one of those...

That's about it. Needless to say I do not deserve the Blogger Stallion award. That goes to Sorro. Sorro, this is for you:

(OK, sorry, it's not for you. The blogger isn't letting me do pics right now. Jerk.)

The First Blogger Stallion Award

Almost forgot. This weeks "Blogging Stallion Award" goes to Cheeth, for the numerous pictures and fine account he gave of his trip. Granted, Sorro posted and wrote a lot more, but unfortunately we're only counting last week (see previous posting for explanation on why this week doesn't count) and Cheeth is the winner.

I would like to give Sorro props for the Urinal Quiz though. Loads of fun. I only missed one.

While the recipient of the Blogging Stallion Award doesn't get $20 (as has been rumored), they do have the thrill of knowing that the above picture is dedicated to them. They also recieve a complementary bowl of mugi, which is only redeemable in Cedar City.

Busy

Work has been extrodinarily busy this week. Too busy. The type of busy where you go home and stare blankly at walls, your mind so accostomed to concentrated thought that it continues to subconsciously process the hundred things you need to get done tomorrow or forgot to do today, like a fat man at a buffet who has already filled his plate and begun eating but tastes nothing because he is contemplating what to get next. That kind of busy. You know what I mean.

Anyways, it's not that bad, but this is one of the few times since I've started my job that I wished I was doing something else.

In other news, the triathlon is in 3 weeks, I'm trying to get around to painting our living room (Green of all colors), and we're now 7 months pregnant. Speaking of pregnancy, here is a great article I got off McSweeney's. It's noteworthy for the Saved by the Bell reference alone.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE BIG DEAL ABOUT HAVINGA BABY IS.
BY WENDY MOLYNEUX
- - - -
If there's one thing I'm tired of, it's hearing about how hard it is to have a baby. I hate to break the news to you, but people have been having babies for literally billions of years. In the olden days, women would have their babies right out there in the field, or on the back of a dinosaur, or, when we were still fish-people, right there in the stream. Then they would put the new baby in a crib made of stones and let a brontosaurus watch it or whatever.

But ask any modern pregnant woman whether she'd let a dinosaur watch her baby and she'll freak out as if you've just said the most outlandish thing ever. I guess irrationality is just one of the many so-called symptoms of pregnancy. Another symptom seems to be a case of the chubs. I don't know if these women know this, but nobody likes a fat girl. Sure, I'd love to order the nachos and the onion rings and claim that I'm "eating for two," but I guess I have something these pregnant women don't: self-respect.

When they aren't busy eating, pregnant women are constantly crying or going to the bathroom. They'll swear up and down that these are more of those famous pregnancy symptoms, but I watch television and I know that unstable women who constantly need to run to the bathroom are drug addicts. Perhaps you remember a certain episode of Saved by the Bell, when Jessie Spano got addicted to caffeine pills and Zack Morris had to stage an intervention to get her to stop the madness? Well, every time one of these pill-addled fatties waddles down the hall toward the loo, I wish I had Zack's courage.

And the worst part is that the endless complaining doesn't end after the baby is born. Rather than appreciating the fact that they had a normal child in spite of the drugs and the reckless overeating, new parents go on and on about how hard child care is. Everyone knows that kids love television and candy. Yet I've met parents who refuse to give a baby candy or let it watch TV, and then complain when it cries. Wouldn't you cry if someone took away your bourbon and cut your cable line just as Desperate Housewives was about to commence? What if Eva Longoria said something especially sassy and you missed it?

And then there are the babies themselves. Try saying something polite to a baby, such as "How are you?" or "Did you see Lost this week? Were you surprised to find out what was in the hatch?" The baby will simply fix you with a cold, fishy stare and not reply at all.

Listen, I don't want to brag, but I've done a lot of hard things in my life, and I'm tired of being told I have "no idea" what it's like to have a baby. Why, just last week my friend Carrie gave me a set of Calphalon pots and pans. These pots and pans are not machine washable, and you can only use nonmetal utensils with them or you'll risk scratching them. In short, my Calphalon pans are just as hard to take care of as a baby. But try pointing this out to a pregnant woman and the next thing you know, she's kicked you in the crotch.

Texas Trip

Pics from my trip to Dallas Texas last week. And some fun facts:

Approximate amount of time it took upon arriving in Dallas for me to see an authentic Texan wearing an authentic UT Longhorns hat: 3 seconds

Approximate amount of time it took to see some sort of city sponsored Dallas Cowboys memorobilia: 26 seconds

Number of "howdy's", "y'all's", and "partner's" I heard during my stay: 3 (I know, I was severely dissapointed too.)

JFK was shot 3 blocks from my hotel. By a guy whose nephew I taught in seminary.

This is the hotel I stayed at, which, as you can see, was built in the post-modern, 1970's We-Think-the-Future-Will-Involve-a-lot-of-Glass-and-Spheres-with-Blinking-Lights motif.

"It's ultra-modern, like living in the not too distant future."*
The hotel was pretty cool. The main lobby area opened straight up to the top of the building with the rooms on outside balconies ala the Luxor in Vegas.


This is the view from just outside my 11th floor room. See the guy sitting at the desk at the bottom middle? Possibly the first time since childhood where I was tempted to spit on a random, unsuspecting person just because it would be funny. Well, ok, the first time since college.

Me in front of the American Airlines center, home of the Dallas Mavericks, Dallas Stars, and to a lesser degree, Dirk Nowitzsky's body odor.

Ah, nothing like going to an NBA game and watching the entire thing on the Jumbotron. See that little guy in purple down on the court? I think that's Ron Artest. Or it may have been one of the Maverick's cheerleaders. I'm not sure.

This is a pic I took after sneaking into the rich people seats, you know, the seats for people who "have money", or "are willing to spend more than 10 bucks on a ticket." Or who "have professions that contribute to society." Snobs.



An exciting picture of the room.

They have buildings and trees in Dallas. See?

*Extra points for anyone who can get the "It's ultra-modern. Like living in the not-too distant future" reference. (This time I'm looking at Cheeth)

Speaking of the Cheeth, he is currently beating Sorro in the race for the Blogging Stallion award, thanks to the deluge of pictures and sheer length of his last few postings. Sorro, on the other hand, has only a rant on the sorry state of packaging in society from last Thursday. Advantage: Cheeth.

Blogger repentance, part II

I'm sorry. I've been a horrible blogger. I have no excuse for not blogging. My breaks recently have been spent playing Nonograms (pretty addictive) and, as usual, reading ESPN.com. Not blogging. I'm no Sorro, who has recently become the surging stallion of the blogging world; or even a sporadically posting Cheeth, Genki Brady, or Tights. No, I fear I've sunk to the Sidwell-esque level of "Not Blogging". I will do better. I promise.

Whew, that feels better. Confession always helps.

Anyways, I just got back from my Texas trip so I've got a bunch of pics and mildly amusing stories to tell. I'll get some pics up tomorrow. Maybe. I'll try. My wife's pregnant though, so I can't really guarantee anything.

My job is awesome

So I just got off the phone with a United States Congressman who gave me a reference on an applicant who has won an Emmy, was nominated for an Oscar, and now wants to sell insurance. Why does the guy want to sell insurance after a career like that, you may ask? I have no idea.

My job is awesome. Unfortunately I don't blog about it much because it's confidential (That's right: Military Scientist, F.B.I. Agent, Spy...Human Resource guy. It's right up there). Basically I do the interviewing, recruiting, employee relations, and exit interviews for a mid-sized insurance brokerage.

Although I can't write about specific interview experiences, I can give a vague, ambiguous list that gives an idea of a typical day at work. Here you go.

5 Pet Peeves about being a recruiter:

1. People who show up 15 minutes early for an interview, thinking it will show that they are a "go-getter". It doesn't. It shows that you have little sense of time management.
2. References. If you warn another employer about a potential bad hire, the job applicant can sue you for slander. If you don't warn that employer about a potential bad hire, they can sue you for negligence. This is fair? This makes sense? In America, yes.
3. The "Oh yeah, I can do that" mentality. Someone applies for a job in computer programming. Their past experience has been in retail and fast food. Upon bringing up this discrepancy they claim: "Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. I'm pretty sure I could pick that up." Come now. There's a reason certain jobs require a 4-year degree.
4. Akin to number 3, I call this the "Oh crap, I'm about to graduate and I have no idea what I want to do with my life" mentality. This is when a college senior realizes they are about to be thrust out into the real world so they apply for every job they can find. Here's how that conversation usually goes:

ME: "So, what's your major?"

THEM: "Communications with a minor in Sports Nutrition."

ME: "Really? So what made you apply for a job in Accounting?"

THEM: "Well, I'm pretty good at that Sudoku stuff, and my mom always said I was pretty good at balancing my checkbook, so I figured it was a match. When do you want me to start?"

MY DESK: BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! (The sound of my head repeatedly slamming into it)

Can't be too hard on them though, I did the same thing...

And, number 5: The Gov'ment. What's the government's answer for any problem? Pass more laws. If there's a problem in society try to suffocate it in a veritable deluge of paperwork, files, forms, reports and other bureaucratic rubbish. I could go on but my breaks are only so long. And I'm trying not to be a complainer. Guess this post kind of blew that. Oh well...