Some Actual Questions from an Employment Screening Survey I Demo'd This Morning

Please check the category that best describes your current use of meth (for example: crank, speed, crystal-meth, ice, chalk, glass, etc.).

• Heavy, but controlled


• Recreational use only


• Very light use (less than 3 or 4 times a year)


• Do not use

In the past two years, how often have you had to physically hurt a co-worker to get him/her to leave you alone?

• More than 6


• 3 to 5


• Once or twice


• Never

If someone insults you he/she is looking is asking for a punch in the mouth or worse.

• I strongly agree


• I agree


• I disagree


• I strongly disagree

Aren't these fantastic? And here's the best part: the company rep I talked to says, as amazing as it sounds, about 20% of all people who take this test actually admit to drug use, workplace violence, insurance fraud, etc.

I also love that they provide the various street references for meth, marijuana, and cocaine (i.e. bud, weed, ice, chalk, etc.), thus facilitating a more efficient test experience for the less knowledgeable drug-user.

"'...check the category that best describes my current use of meth...' Meth? What the crap is meth? Oh, they mean crank! In that case, I'd have to say 'Heavy, but controlled.'"

By the way, if you're ever taking this test, the correct answer is always None/Do not use/Strongly Disagree. Just a free tip for you.