Sick...

So the wife and kid have had some sort of funky virus going through them and, as the basic principles of physiology say, it was only a matter of time until I got it.

It's different; very flemmy, headache, and am so sore I feel like I've played basketball non-stop for about a week, only without the endorphins. And I lost every single game.

Also our furnace went out. And the internet. And we found mold in our baby's room. And the Green Bay Packers lost.

When it rains it pours.

Ah, if only I had an irascible old grandfather to read me stories of fencing, fighting, revenge, true love...

How I envy you, young Fred Savage.

Hopefully I can post more when I'm better. Till then...Go Pats.

I know this qualifies me as an insensitive burk, but...

My first thought on hearing Heath Ledger had died was: Wait, they've finished shooting for The Dark Knight, right?

In other words, the release of the next Batman movie was more of a worry for me than his death.

I know, I'm a jerk. That movie looks really good though.

Sorry Heath. RIP.

Some Actual Questions from an Employment Screening Survey I Demo'd This Morning

Please check the category that best describes your current use of meth (for example: crank, speed, crystal-meth, ice, chalk, glass, etc.).

• Heavy, but controlled


• Recreational use only


• Very light use (less than 3 or 4 times a year)


• Do not use

In the past two years, how often have you had to physically hurt a co-worker to get him/her to leave you alone?

• More than 6


• 3 to 5


• Once or twice


• Never

If someone insults you he/she is looking is asking for a punch in the mouth or worse.

• I strongly agree


• I agree


• I disagree


• I strongly disagree

Aren't these fantastic? And here's the best part: the company rep I talked to says, as amazing as it sounds, about 20% of all people who take this test actually admit to drug use, workplace violence, insurance fraud, etc.

I also love that they provide the various street references for meth, marijuana, and cocaine (i.e. bud, weed, ice, chalk, etc.), thus facilitating a more efficient test experience for the less knowledgeable drug-user.

"'...check the category that best describes my current use of meth...' Meth? What the crap is meth? Oh, they mean crank! In that case, I'd have to say 'Heavy, but controlled.'"

By the way, if you're ever taking this test, the correct answer is always None/Do not use/Strongly Disagree. Just a free tip for you.

Busy

Hello everyone. Things have been pretty crazy lately so I haven't blogged for a while. I'm in charge of a new fitness program at work so that's keeping me pretty busy. On top of that, after a slow November and December recruiting-wise, I suddenly have about 10 jobs I have to fill and each is, of course, "urgent".

A lot of people have told me they think it'd be fun to do the interviewing and hiring for a company. All I can say is, the novelty wears off pretty quick.

I can also say that some people have bad breath. I mean, REALLY bad breath. The type that reaches seeps predatorily through the air unseen, permeating your brain, making it hard to focus on what your next question was going to be and causing you to vacate your office for a good 30 minutes.

It's not all giggles and rainbows, people, let me tell you.

This is also awesome...

I just came across this on the net:



Apparently it's from a Canadian Daily Show counterpart called This Hour Has 22 Minutes which has a running segment entitled "Talking to Americans". It features a number of ignorant Americans (including a somewhat portly Michael Huckabee) congratulating Canada on the preservation of their "National Igloo". Just watch it and find out.

I think it's terrific that the Canadians are finally striking back.

(And, as a quick side-note, we are rather ignorant of the rest of the world. Especially The Iraq.)

What, me fail English? That's unpossible!

I saw this on Sorro's page and thought it was interesting. You enter in a blog (or Facebook, MySpace profile, etc.) and it tells you what reading level said blog/profile is at. Apparently my blog is at a college undergraduate reading level.

I'm assuming it's just a basic program that compares the words in your blog against a catalogued list of important-sounding words. If that's the case, I've provided 5 words below that you can cut and paste into your next blog entry and bring it to at least a college reading level.


Chicanery
Malapropism
Antediluvian
Expectorate
Man Boobs


Edit - BTW, I just checked MC Hammer's blog. Elementary School reading level. I'm not kidding.

This is awesome...

I pulled this from Sorro's friend Rob's blog, who I think I went to high school with. His friend Rob, not the blog, that is.

I was being facetious...

I've realized something.

I have a different sense of humor, where I say a lot of ridiculous things I don't mean. Seriously, in any given conversation, I only mean 50%* of what I say. That's not the part I've realized, though. What I've realized is there are a lot of people who don't realize I'm being facetious.

While this in itself is kind of funny, I realize I need to do something about it as it has backfired before. A couple examples:

Number 1: After a homecoming dance in college I took my date to a large park set on a hill that happened to overlook WalMart (the same labyrinth of despair I mentioned in a previous post.). Since it was nighttime and the bright lights of said WalMart dominated the view from where we sat on the swings, I said in a wistful tone, "What a romantic view of WalMart...". I'm pretty sure she didn't catch the sarcasm and legitimately thought I thought WalMart was romantic (I didn't realize this until later). Keep in mind we were still in that extremely uncomfortable second/third date, every sentence counts, are-we-going-to-kiss this time? phase. So while it's kind of funny now, it wasn't at the time, I assure you.

Number 2: This one also from a date in college. After a movie we are walking towards my car when we notice fireworks going off in the distance. I suggest climbing on top of my car to get a better look and, while climbing, say to her in a serious voice, "Don't break anything". The joke of course being that "Don't break anything" is something you would say to a young, clumsy kid and my date is obviously mature and coordinated enough to not destroy my car whilst climbing atop it.

Unfortunately she missed my feeble attempt at humor and, as women are wont to do, took it that I was calling her fat. I found this out later through a friend and still feel bad about it.

Though in a way it is also funny.


Anyways, there are more examples; those are just two that have come to mind. I've seen that I need to be more careful about what I say, lest I risk perpetually calling girls fat on accident.

Though, now that I think about it, we've just discovered Reason #31 Why it's Better to Be a Man than a Woman: We don't assume every statement made to us is covertly calling us fat.



*Did you know that 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot?