Memoirs of a scooter owner

It's been about 2 years now since I bought Pepe' and joined the distinguished ranks of scooter ownership. My, how the time flies. I thought this was a good time to look back and review what I've learned since that fateful decision, both for my own amusement and for your edification.

• By my pedestrian calculations, if Pepe' can last another year without needing any major repairs he will have paid for himself in gas money. $1900.
• For whatever reason wives and mothers are solidly against motorcylces, but they're perfectly fine with scooters. Which is funny because the only difference between the two is the location of the motor and I'm just as likely to get pounded on my 50cc scooter as I am a 750cc motorcycle. I just won't be going as fast when it happens. This apparent disconnect in the female mind is due to the fact that scooters are perceived as being totally wimpy (more on this below).
• Scooters are totally wimpy.
• Let me rephrase that. Most scooters are totally wimpy. Many scooters are just as powerful and fast as the top motorcycles. Mine? I'll just say my wife frequently mistakes the sound of its motor for the neighbor's weed-whacker.
• You can get the best parking anywhere when you have a scooter. It's like having a handicapped logo on your license plate, only better because you can park on walkways.
• I haven't received this much simultaneous ridicule and admiration from people around me for a decision in my life since I was an LDS missionary. Really. Many people laugh at you. Many people tell you how smart you are. Many people laugh at you then later tell you how smart you are.
• There are no other similarities between owning a scooter and being a missionary.
• Along with the ridicule/admiration comment, the ratio of people who laugh at you versus the people who tell you how smart you are and how they wish they had a scooter decreases substantially when gas prices go up. I haven't been laughed at for about 7 months now, but I've had a dozen people tell me they want to get a scooter.
• People in Cedar City are unaccostomed to sharing the road with motorcycles, scooters, and bicycles. These strange, alien conveyances confuse them and they are unsure whether the usual laws of the road apply when encountered with one. Because of this you must plan on getting cut-off, tailgated, and merged-into every time you turn on that ignition.
• I really, really want one of those German WWI helmets with the spike on top to replace my current helment. And a cape.

All in all buying Pepe' was a very good decision. He's just about paid for himself in gas savings, is perfect for my daily home-work-home-work-home commute (I usually go home for lunch), can park anywhere, and is fun to ride. If anyone out there is thinking about getting a scooter I would definitely recommend it, provided you: are aware you probably won't be able to use it from December to February(unless you are in Cali); get at least a 150cc (you have to fork out $200 more and get your motorcycle license, but the extra power is worth it); and are secure in your self-image (One great thing about being married is you aren't as worried about being "cool" anymore. You don't have to impress anyone.)

In honor of 2 years of scooter-dom, here's the Scrubs "Ring of Fire" clip.

So how's your day been?

As I was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday pondering on life while a stranger shoved her latex encased fingers into my mouth I came up with the following list:

Five People That Feel Obligated to Make Conversation Who I Wish Didn't

1. The Dental Assistant who is cleaning your teeth
2. Your Barber/Hair Stylist
3. The guy who is also waiting for his wife outside the women's restroom
4. Anyone who is about to try and sell you something
5. The Dentist himself

You will notice that two of these people are to be found at the dental office.

I am now a believer

BYU 59, UCLA 0

Wow. Just...wow.

UPDATE: As of the C State game, I no longer believe.

UPDATE 2: Utah just had their way with "Zion's College". I believe though. Believe they're grossly overrated.

NOTHER ONE UPDATE: Arizona?! Are you kidding me? We lost to Arizona?! I'm seriously rethinking suspending my BYU fanship. Some may say you can't do this. I say I can and will. In fact....there! I just did.

Job Searching Faux Pas number 4

Having your dad or wife check on the job for you.

These aren't uncommon: I get a call from someone asking about a particular job. After giving them all the background I begin to ask about their work experience when they say "Oh, it's not for me, it's for my husband. Um...can he come in for an interview?" Or the other variety: dad dragging his teenage kid into my office, telling me how he/she is a hard worker, would really like to work for our company, and that they (the parent) knows the wife of the brother of the CFO from the PTA while the kid stands silent and awkward in the corner gazing at my demotivation poster.

The logic behind both is ridiculous, of course. If the person won't take the initiative to talk to us themselves why should we think they'd have the initiative to actually do the job? I mean, when a wife is calling for her husband my immediate assumption is that the guy is sitting in the living room not 10 feet from her eating Funyuns, playing Madden 08, and wondering why his wife just can't accept him for who he is. With the teenager it's pretty much the same assumption, only swap Madden for Guitar Hero 2.

There's a place for people like that. It's called the public sector. Ba-Doom CHA!

(That was a joke. Only a joke. No angry e-mails please.)

Catching up with Mr. B

My chance invoking of the name Mr. Belding from the dusty halls of pop culture past in a prior post made me a little curious, so I did a little research (about 3 minutes worth) to see what has happened to everyone's favorite high school principal.

The result? Apparently he has enjoyed his minor celebrity by drinking, ballooning into a Charles Barkleyesque girth, and posing in pictures at seedy bars for college students who remember a thinner, far less creepy Mr. B from their youth.

At least Screech will always have his innocence...

Oh yeah, and if you're going to run a Google image search on Mr. Belding I'd recommend having the family filter on. There are some images no kid brought up on Saved by the Bell should ever see.

Memorial Walk

Here are some pics from the Memorial Walk we put on last Friday. It was a great event and the response from the community was heartening. Everyone from the local banks to the media to SUU went out of their way to help us. It was a moving experience and I'm thankful I got to be a part of it.

CF - What we learned this weekend

1. BYU isn't as good as people think (so far, anyway).
2. Utah is better than people think (so far, anyway).
3. The football leaving your hand during an unbridled moment of celebratory joy is grounds for harsh punishment in the NCAA, yet implementing a system of apartheid to segregate the college community into the privileged and the "lower class" is perfectly fine.
4. Notre Dame still sucks .
5. The most interesting team at the moment could have Long John Silver as their mascot.

Now I know some people are going to argue numbers 1 and 2, so let me explain:

Sure BYU is 2-0, but they struggled at home against a I-AA team and BARELY eeked out a win against Washington, a team that won 2 games last year, got blown out by Oregon last week (who is ranked lower than BYU), and they needed a ridiculous call and a bailout from the Angel of Blocked PAT's to pull it off.

Utah, meanwhile, pulls out a win against Michigan in the Big House and wins handily against UNLV.

If BYU takes UCLA next week, I'll get on the bandwagon. But if I had to guess who's going to have a more interesting season (based on what we've seen so far), I'd have to go with the Utes.

I'm Done

So I've been following politics more in the past two years than any other time in my life. It hasn't been worth it. I thought about venting my angst in a post, but instead I happened upon this cartoon. It sums up my feelings pretty well.

If I write another post about politics this year I want you to punch me the next time you see me. Seriously. In the crotch.

Bad Job Search Advice

One thing I've realized during my time as HR guy is that there are a lot of people out there giving job interview advice that really have no place being out there and giving job interview advice. Case in point:

A few days back a candidate shows up for his interview 40 minutes early. Now I'm used to people showing up way earlier than they need to, but 40 minutes is a record.

ME: Oh...(looking at clock) ...hi. I'm sorry, I thought we had the interview set for 2:00.

CANDIDATE: (Stands in doorway with an expectant look.) Yeah, we do.

ME: (brief pause) You're uh...early.

CANDIDATE: (Studies watch for a moment.) It's almost 1:30. (said in a manner that communicated 1:30 was the logical time to start a 2:00 interview)

Now, typically, when a candidate shows up early they'll apologize and ask if it's a good time. If I'm busy I'll ask them to come back later. If not I'll just go ahead and start it. Not being especially busy (and perhaps a little intrigued by his cavalier flaunting of cultural convention, though also slightly annoyed) I decide to bring him in.

The interview goes on. He's a nice guy, but far less qualified than our other candidates. I'm about to thank him for his time when:

CANDIDATE: Sorry I was a little early. But that's how you interview, right?

ME: What do you mean?

CANDIDATE: Well, Professor _____ (Name withheld not to protect the person's identity, but because I can't remember it. Frankly anyone who says something this stupid deserves public ridicule) in the business department told me that you are supposed to show up at least 30 minutes early for an interview so the secretary can have you sit down and take notes on everything you do. Then she gets with the interviewer afterwards and they compare notes. That's how you interview, right?

ME: (simultaneously flabbergasted and trying not to laugh) I'm sorry, who told you this?

CANDIDATE: The business department (nodding in the direction of SUU).

ME: Well, maybe that's how they did it 40 years ago, but not anymore. You can just show up...you know...at the actual interview time.

CANDIDATE: (looking slightly betrayed) Oh. Um...ok.

The lesson here? If your professor hasn't worked in the private sector since the Truman administration and he or she is giving you interview advice, don't listen. Just...don't listen. Put that Ipod on shuffle and just zone out for a while.

(note: I'm not sure what Mr. Belding has to do with this post, but I'm happy to see him up there just the same.)

I miss John McCain

I try not to blog much about politics anymore since it's a sensitive issue and a sure fire way to tick people off, but I have to get this out.

Whatever happened to John McCain? Remember the guy who expressed outrage over the smear job the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth did on John Kerry? Remember the guy who cared more about getting positive legislation passed than petty partisan politics? The guy who had no problem doing what was right even if it meant rankling his fellow Repubs?

I miss that man. He probably would have made a good president.

I was wrong

I was wrong. Apparently John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Veep, not me. Oh well.
And can I just say good for him? Because basing your entire campaign strategy on convincing people your opponent isn't experienced enough, then turning around and picking someone with even LESS experience as your number 2 takes a lot of cajones. Especially when you are closer to death than any other presidential contender in the last 100 years. Hats off to you Johnny Mac.

From what I've read about Palin I like her: She's the mother of 5, played high school basketball, isn't afraid to stand up to the oil industry (even though her husband is in it), looks kind of like Daphne from Frasier, and as a schoolgirl regularly woke up at 3:00 AM to hunt moose with her father. This is outstanding.

So even though it's an obvious gimmick choice from a desperate McCain (Hey, look! We're not all old white men either! We have women and minorities too! Vote Republican!), I like it. I don't think it will work, but I like it. If for nothing more than the moose hunting thing.

Men in Black

So men in black suits with sunglasses and ear pieces have been walking around the perimeter of our building today, gazing suspiciously at employees and passing college students. Which can only mean one thing: John McCain is finally coming over here to ask me to be his VP.

That or the Secretary of Health and Human Services is dropping by to say hi to the fam. One of those.

Memorial Walk

Work has been a little different this week. It's been harder for everyone to focus on the normal job stuff.

Me and a couple other people have put together a memorial walk for the families of the victims of the plane crash. It will be next Friday from 5:30 to 7:30 at the Canyon Park Trail in Cedar. Anyone who reads this from the Cedar/St. George area and who can make it please help get the word out. Tonight the governor of Utah, Elder Snow (one of the General Authorities of the LDS Church), and Dane Leavitt will be speaking at a community gathering at SUU of around 5,000 people and will announce it for us. We're also working with the local papers and business networks. The mayor has been great and is supporting us. We were hoping to get 200-300 people there, but it's looking like we may get up to 1,000.

I guess the hardest part about something like this is that you want to help but you don't know what you can do. Though it may not be much, it feels good to at least be doing something.

Plane Crash

Last Friday our company plane crashed just outside of Moab. 10 people died, including the pilot who, in addition to flying the company planes, also worked part-time as an I.T. Tech for us. The other 9 people were the staff of a local dermatology office who rented out the plane every month to reach clients in Moab. The cause of the crash is still unknown. Seeing as there was no blackbox, eye-witnesses, or survivors it doesn't look like we will ever know.

I still can't believe this. The pilot's name was David White. I talked with him at his cubicle not a day or two before the crash. Even joked around with him for slacking off in our fitness program.

I've flown with him in the very same plane that is now nothing more than a mass of charred metal. The first time I was in the co-pilots seat and he showed me what all the instruments did and talked about how much he loved flying. I even asked him about his craziest flying stories and he told me about one of his engines going out and having to land on a narrow stretch of I-15 just north of St. George. He was a great pilot and an amazing person. Now he's gone and his wife and four kids are without a husband and father.

Life can change pretty fast.

These, too, are also funny

This is despicable...and funny

I think most of us have seen the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly: The good wife's guide by now (if not, click here). Here's an article along that same vein that another HR guy sent to me. This was written back in WWII when businesses were having to deal with the labor shortage from the draft and is ripe with just as much condescension, misogyny, cluelessness, and unintentional comedy as The Good Wife's guide (particularly number 3).


The funny part is that in my recruiting experience women generally make better employees than men (in the office setting, anyway), as men often refuse to do certain tasks and are constantly in competition with each other.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.


3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.


4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven't previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.

In Memoriam: Brett Favre's Legacy

This is to officially honor the passing of the man we would have remembered Brett Favre as: a rugged, exuberant, talented Super Bowl champion who was the face of one of the most historied NFL teams for over a decade.

Instead that man has been replaced by a flaky, indecisive semi-diva who lost his touch years ago, throws as many interceptions as touchdowns, and struggles over career decisions the same way old people struggle with deciding what to order at Panda Express.

RIP, old Brett Favre.

Why I Love the Gov'ment, episode 2

So I got another gem for you:

As HR guy I am told by the government not to ask job candidates or employees about race, gender, sexual orientation, age, ethnic background, religion, etc., as those things are unrelated to job performance. Yet as HR guy I am also told by the government to submit an annual EEO-1 report that lists, you guessed it, race, gender, age, etc. of each employee and job candidate.

Now how am I supposed to do that for 1600 people without asking them? Seriously, how? If I didn't know any better, I would almost think congress passes laws without considering the impact those laws will have on actual people.

It's amazing to me that, as a country, we want to forget about race, age, and other superficial differences, yet these differences are continually thrust in our faces by the people claiming to keep them away.

Resume Foibles, Part Deux

This one just came in:

References:

Sam Hopkins
Personal Reference
702-983-7763

Debbie New-Last-Name
Academic Reference
202-I-(heart)-DANCING

Name of Boss
Professional Reference
353-888-PHYSICS


Those were the references this individual sent in*. The second reference is apparently a Ms. Debbie New-Last-Name, and her phone number actually has the heart symbol in it (I couldn't get a heart symbol on Blogger.com to show you, but it's there in the resume). How do you dial heart symbol?

Then the last reference is "Name of Boss".

This is spectacular.

Now it's obvious that this individual used some sort of template for the resume, didn't know certain information, planned on coming back once he/she found out (i.e. the dance instructor's married name), and simply forgot. I can't help but think, though - if you don't remember your previous boss' name, do you really want to use them as a reference?

This is why you really should proofread your resume. Becaue you don't want a potential employer to "think of you as a work-alcoholic" who is also "a rabid typist" with a reference named "Name of Boss". You just don't.



*Obviously I've replaced names and the numbers in the phone numbers. Though by all means, call 202-I-Heart-Dancing and see what you get. I believe it is in the D.C. area, they have a wide selection of costumes and there are frequent Kevin Bacon/Mario Lopez sightings.