Top Three Things to NOT Say in a Job Interview

So I just did an interview with a gentleman who gave one of the best responses I've ever heard to an interview question. And by "best" I don't mean that the answer was impressive or significantly raised his chances of being hired, but that it was entertaining for me to hear.

Here's the dialogue:

ME: "What would you consider your greatest weakness?"

INTERVIEWEE: (Thinks for a couple seconds before answering, a thoughtful look creasing his middle-aged brow)

"I annoy some people. I'm like sauerkraut - either you like me or you hate me."

Outstanding. So we should just think of you as...sauerkraut.

Anyways, this made me think of a mental list I've been keeping ever since starting this job, something I've been meaning to blog about but never have until this particular individual acted as catalyst: the Top Three Things that you Shouldn't Say in a Job Interview.

Keep in mind, to qualify for this list the statement had to actually have been said in an interview. Here we go:

Number 3 - Here's the background: A woman popped into my office to apply for an open position without an appointment. I had time, so I asked if she wanted to sit down and talk more about it. She agreed, but said she was on a quick break from work and only had about 10 minutes. I started the interview and when the 10 minutes was up asked when she could come back to complete a clerical test we give. Her answer:

INTERVIEWEE: "Oh, I can do that now."

ME: "Don't you have to get back to work?"

INTERVIEWEE: (Waves hand dismissively) "Pssh. No, I told my boss I had to take my daughter to the doctor. I've got plenty of time."

Wow. This one still amazes me. She gave TWO reasons not to hire her in just one statement

1. I habitually LIE to my employer


2. I am not INTELLIGENT ENOUGH to realize that I shouldn't tell YOU, a prospective employer, that I habitually lie to my employer

Three if you include: I have no qualms exploiting my position as mother to manipulate others. Either way, that's got to be a record of some sort.

Number 2 - This was in response to the same question as Sauerkraut Man, the trusty old "What do you consider your greatest weakness?" question:

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, I usually won't finish a task unless my boss is standing over my shoulder the entire time making me do it."

She said this. I'm not kidding - she seriously said this. Quick Tip: If you're the type of person who doesn't get things done at work, you want to look into fixing that. It will help your career tremendously.

This woman also qualified for reason-not-to-hire #2 on the first woman's example, the "If you're not smart enough to realize you shouldn't be telling me this, then we don't have a job for you" corollary.

Finally, the Number 1 thing you shouldn't say in an interview, which is still my favorite and initiated one of the most awkward moments of my life:

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, all my life I've had a fascination with dead bodies."

Now, I was about to write the background and the question that led to this particular statement, but is it necessary? I mean, is there ANY situation in a job interview where you should actually say "All my life I've had a fascination with dead bodies"? EVER? I suppose if the position is at a mortuary and involves the dressing/grooming of dead people, you're ok, but generally you're going to want to steer away from that one. I would've thought Career Services would have covered that one at the last job fair.

So there you go. Those are the top three things you should never say in an interview, which I've actually had people say. The fun thing about this list is that it's constantly changing. If anyone has other examples they would like to nominate for the list, I would love to hear them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an inexplicable craving for a bratwurst.

The Dentist

So I just went in to the dentist to get a cavity filled. At the point where they whip out the drill and you can actually smell your tooth burning, it made me think of Coach McGuirk getting Lasik.

RAINED OUT

So Saturday was the long-awaited Kokopelli Triathlon at Sand Hollow Resevoir. Southern Utah averages about 7 inches* of rain a year. I think we got all of it on Saturday.

They cancelled it. Big bummer. There were about 1000 racers there at 7:00 in the morning when the first wave was supposed to start. It was cloudy, but not bad at all. They started the first two waves, then just as mine got in the water and was about to start, they called off the swim.

Here's what I don't get - when it rains, the Race Directors will usually call off the swim, but still do the run and the bike. Why is that? I mean, it's raining. It's the swim. They're both water, right? The only explanation I can think of is lighting, but wouldn't a horde of people riding large, metallic machines in an enormously long line be more likely to attact lightning than those same people swimming in rubber suits? Is there a Mr. Wizard out there who can explain this?

Anyways, at first they just called the swim, making it a run-bike-run, but within a minute or two it got so bad they called the entire thing off. It was a good call too. I don't think the small rural town next door has enough ambulances to accomodate everyone who would have wiped-out on their bikes.

So that's it for triathlon this year. Kokopelli was the last one, and it was a rain-out. Kind of a bummer, but I feel far worse for the people who flew in or for whom it was their first tri. We just drove home and rented a movie. Then I ate cookies. I also feel bad for the race director, who gets to tell 1000 people that something they've planned on for months and invested considerable time and money has been cancelled.

In related news, I'm doing the Salt Lake Marathon in April. Giddyup.

_

* I didn't want to take the time and actually check an almanac, so this figure is completely made up. You'll find the joke works no matter what number you put in there though. Seriously. Try it.

Another One

This one is even better. See the post below for an explanation.

And yes, I know it is very un-American for me to rip on baseball in favor of soccer.

Baseball is far more boring than Soccer

So I'm getting more and more into soccer, or "football" as the rest of the world fittingly calls it. The biggest gripe most Americans seem to have against it is that no one ever scores, which in turn makes it boring. I disagree. At least there is constant action in soccer. You know what doesn't have constant action? Baseball.

Seriously, have you ever paid attention to what actually goes on in baseball? There's a pitch...80% of the time the ball doesn't touch the bat...there's a 30 second delay...they show a shot of the manager in the dugout...a kid eating a hot dog in the stands...the pitcher comes back onto the mound...he prepares for the next pitch...the batter steps out of the box...adjusts his helmet...spits...slowly comes back into the box, holding his hand back to the umpire until he can get completely settled in...another pitch...Ball...outside...one announcer regales the other with an account of his visit to a steak house the last time he was in Philidelphia for a Phillies game...shot of a kid with a big styrofoam finger not paying any attention to the game...another pitch...foul...count is 1-1...

...and then you seriously wonder whether you're happy with your life.

Doesn't that adequately sum up the experience of watching a baseball game? Did I leave anything out? Maybe the two-dozen shots of the Goodyear Blimp? Maybe 8% of baseball involves someone actually engaged in some sort of physical activity. And that goes down to 3% if you don't count spitting, crotch-grabbing, or the annoying between-pitch habits each player has.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of baseball. Played Little League my entire childhood. You just have to admit it is a dull, slow-moving sport.

Go Cubs.

Michael Moore vs. Humana

The previous post on insurance made me think of this video.

While I'm not necessarily a fan of Michael Moore, I applaud anyone who's actually doing something about the reprehensible state of the current system. And he seems to be doing more on that front than anyone else lately.

My Dilemma

Everyday I labor under a dilemma. Though I love the company and the people I work for, I don't especially care for the industry we're in. In fact, I abhor it.

Insurance.

Is there a more vile, dull industry out there?

Now I'll be the first one to admit that insurance provides a valuable service to society (even the Egyptians had a type of insurance program). I'll also admit that my specific personality type makes me unfairly biased against it (to me banking, securities, taxes, insurance and the like are boorish, intellectually unprofitable pursuits). But these two concessions notwithstanding, I still can't help but regard the entire industry as a colossal bureaucratic wasteland whose original function has long since been forgotten in the name of greed and profits.

And that's not even including health insurance companies.

Have you ever actually read your homeowner's policy in its entirety? Your auto policy? A business policy? Here are some fun tidbits you might not be aware of:

• Say a windstorm picks up and blows over a tree in your backyard, causing it to crash into your house for $15,000 in damage. Your insurance company will not cover this. On the other hand, if a gang of vagabonds come by one night in a pick-up truck and steal your tree, that IS covered.


• If you own a business and park a boat in your empty parking lot behind your building, then a telephone pole falls over and completely demolishes that boat, it is NOT covered under your policy. Yet if a complete stranger parks his boat in your parking lot and the same thing happens, it IS covered. Under YOUR policy.


• Taking the prior example a step further: If YOU park your boat in some poor shmoe's parking lot and a telephone pole falls on it and the boat is 26 feet and 3 inches long, it is NOT covered. But if said boat is 25 feet and 11 inches long, it IS covered. If it is 25 feet, 11 inches long, and says "Big Frank's Fish, Chips, and Harbor Tours" in blue writing on the side, it is NOT covered.


• Assume you have a different Named Insured who has a BAP (Business Auto Policy) in which endorsement Symbol 3 (Owned Private Passenger Autos) is used to trigger liability, comprehensive, and collision coverage. If the insured acquires a panel truck, there is no automatic coverage because the panel truck does not qualify as a private passenger auto, unless specifically endorsed by using the QW30 Inland/Marine Additional Coverage form, (or, for clients located in California, Oklahoma, and some parts of Canada, the Accord 10W390 Umbrella Endorsement Document).

Ok, that last once wasn't about your auto or homeowner's policy. I just threw it in there to give you a feel for all the crap I have to study.

Can you believe this stuff? And these were just the examples that quickly came to mind, which are pretty tame compared to some of the other outlandish contradictions of common sense I've come across in the 3 years I've worked for the Man.

I mean, is learning this kind of information really what anyone should want to do with their life? How does it help anyone? Shouldn't insurance be designed to help people, not entangle them in a nightmare of forms, procedures, and bureaucratic drivel in the hopes that they will give up trying to get anything done and your company can profit? And this is just Property and Casualty insurance. Health insurance companies are far worse, even criminal as far as I'm concerned.

I guess what I like least about insurance is the fact that it's one of those industries where, whenever you are engaging in business with one of its representatives, you have that sinking feeling that you are about to be/have already been ripped off. So you're always on guard. It's the same feeling you get from car salesmen, mortgage companies, mechanics, and to a lesser degree, Christmas Tree salesmen.

Should it really be like that? Do you really want to be expecting a company you pay money to in order to receive a specific service to be looking for any and every loophole possible to rip you off in the name of profits?

So that's my dilemma. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an exciting chapter on blanket coverages in a typical commercial property policy to peruse.

Your Own Private Holiday

I am currently pioneering an exciting new philosophy when it comes to Monday holidays (Labor Day, Memorial Day):

Take Wednesday off instead.

Think about it. What are the freeways like Friday evenings on 3-day weekends? How about the lakes? National Parks? Canyon roads? Camping sites? That's right - every other poor shmuck who finally gets a day off is trying to go to the exact same place you are. Shouldn't a vacation be relaxing? Isn't that the whole point?

So, going against the flow, I decided to work this Monday and take Wednesday off instead. Let me tell you something - I am a genius. Not only was the vacation fun and other-poor-shmuck-free, but working when there is no one else in the office was almost a vacation in itself. I wore shorts and flip-flops, turned the music up, downloaded a bunch of music that I probably wasn't supposed to - it was awesome.

So now, instead of having a four-day work week, it's been more like 3. 2 1/2 if you count leaving early on Tuesday.

Of course, this only works if you have the type of job where you have stuff to do even if the rest of the country isn't working.

Seriously, try it. Just don't let too many people know about it - then my own private holiday will be ruined. And I will fight you.

XTERRA

Holy schnikies. I forgot how hard this race is. I'm not dead, which is good, but I'm as close as I've been since...well...LAST YEAR'S XTerra.


This year the water was warm enough to go without the wetsuit. I decided to go for it, as I don't especially enjoy wearing the bat-suit if I'm not fighting crime.

The crazy thing about XTerra is that it's the same distance as every other tri I've done. The only difference is that distance is ALL UPHILL. SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF SADIST DESIGNED THIS COURSE!?! IT JUST KEEPS GOING UP AND UP!! Once your limp, battered body falls off the bike at T2 you find comfort in the fact that now all you have to do is a simple, relaxing 5K - BUT NO!!! IT'S UPHILL TOO! I HATE XTERRA! I #%@!& HATE IT!!!

Sorry about that. Just had a relapse of the bike ride.

No, XTerra was fun. Just to give you an idea of how hard this course is, the bike portion takes about 1:45. That's 20 minutes longer than the entire Bear Lake and Salem tris took me. Needless to say, I underestimated the course and it kicked my butt again, humbling me and making me see I'm not in as good of shape as I thought. I didn't puke and I finished with a decent time, but I'm still a little disappointed. Oh well - still good times.

Amy is great at taking candid, random shots of interesting people wherever we go; the type of people you look at and your mind automatically comes up with an entire backstory for. For example - this is Bosco. When not doing triathlon, Bosco enjoys whaling and flying his red WWI biplane, which has an Iron Cross and the handle "The Baron" on the side. Bosco is a fierce competitor, but someone you can relax and enjoy a mug of ale with at the local tavern once the race is over.

A pre-race shot, when I'm not yet covered with dirt and rank man-sweat and my wife and daughter don't recoil in disgust when I try to kiss them.

The fam. My brother Gid came out for this one, which was fun. I have no idea what we were talking about when this picture was taken.

Katie on the beach, take 3.

Me after the race. I've realized that all the tri pics I have are either before or after the race, which don't really convey the experience. Maybe I can get a helmet-cam going.

Having gotten sick last time I didn't get to experience everything that goes on during the bike ride. It is HARD CORE. People crashing, arguing, immobilized by exhaustion, passing and getting passed on a perilous, single-track trail. It also rained on us, making the rocks even slippier and more dangerous. I passed one racer just in front of a bridge who had a large gash in his forehead and blood running down his face, looking like like grim Death himself.

All in all XTerra was a lot of fun and I'm glad I did it again. Really I just wanted to prove to myself that I could. I do like the mountain bike portion of it - there's a thrill of danger and adreniline at each downhill portion that you don't get on a road bike.

I'm not sure if I'll do it again next year. While the challenge draws you in, it just gets too crowded at parts (in the swim and the bike). I prefer expending my energy in a triathlon doing the actual event, not worrying about having to pass or get passed during the bike or dodging other swimmers. Great location though.

Tri's

After trying and liking them last year, I've continued doing triathlon this summer as well. There have been 3 so far: the St. George Tri in May, Salem Springs in June, (best tri website I've seen), and the Bear Lake Brawl, also in June.


Here are some pickies, starting with the St. George Tri:


I love this course. It's actually in Hurricane, not St. George. I guess they changed it because St. George Tri is more impressive than Hurricane tri, just as the skydiving outpost we're going to calls themselves Skydive Zion instead of Skydive Hurricane. Can't say that I blame them.


Poor Hurricane. The red-headed stepchild of obscure, Southern Utah towns.

Anyways, it's kind of a special place for me. The first tri I ever did was here, back when I didn't know if I could do one without dying, and some of the feeling of triumph I got from that first victory still pervades the place today. On top of that, it's a beautiful course set in a man-made reservoir in the middle of a red, rocky desert. Very picturesque. Almost like a mini Lake-Powell. But without all the urine and house-boat sludge in the water.





The course has with an absurdly long, steep hill I call "The Beast". It's also the earliest Utah triathlon, so something like 1,400 people come down to participate.



Even though it's only May, and even though it's only about 10:00 by the time you get to the run, right around the 2nd mile it gets so hot (most of the course is on the sandy desert where the sun reflects off the red sand) that you wonder why you were ever stupid enough to do this tri in the first place.

The obligatory Katie-being-cute photo. I don't know who she's waving to - all that was over there was a wide, empty lake. Unless she's seeing the leprechaun again...

Next up, Salem Springs.

This may be my favorite tri location so far. Despite the fact that I grew up about 15 minutes away, I had no idea this place (Salem) existed, nor that it was so cool. Seriously, I'm thinking of retiring out here.

Anyways, the half-mile swim is in a large pond in a park redolent of the wonderful parks we saw in London. The 12 mile bike ride and the 3 mile run is through the surrounding neighborhoods, which are relatively hill-free. The Salem has been going for 6 years now and is increasing in popularity, though still small enough to not feel overcrowded like the St. George tri.

Pre-race action shot.

So about 20 minutes before the race I was pumping up my bike tire when I heard the one sound every triathlete dreads.

PPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And it wasn't just, pppppssssshhhh, like a small leak or something. It was an all out, 'there-is-now-more-air-in-the-dark-reaches-of-space-than-there-is-in-your-tire' kind of PFSH. The entire nozzle had blown out.

I was pretty bummed. 20 minutes wasn't enough time to get an entirely new tube, and I didn't bring one to begin with. I had just resolved myself to a DNF when a helpful fellow racer came up and told me a vendor was selling them just up the hill. Long story short, I was able to buy a new tube, pump up my tire, and finish race prep just in time to start. It was awesome. Thank you random triathlete-man.

A lot of tris have free massages at the end. You just have to wait in a long line. This time I decided to do it and found it was definitely worth it.

They also had a chiropractor there. It was my first time for that too. It would take very little for someone to convince me that he was legitimately trying to break my neck.

We met our good friends the Bod's there. Here are said Bod's.

Now for Bear Lake.

The Bear Lake Brawl was pretty fun. By far the smallest tri I've done. I'm used to having to show up 2 hours before they start to get set up because of the crowds. This one had less than 200 racers, so I could have shown up 20 minutes before and been all right.

The fun thing about Bear Lake is that it's super shallow. They started the swim a good 50 yards into the lake, but my entire torso was still out of the water. For the entire first leg of the swim you could actually walk on the lake bottom (and quite a few people did), the first time I've ever seen anything like that.

The fam came out for this one. Including the dog.

Here I am in my wetsuit, or "the Batsuit" as I like to call it. These things are uncomfortable. Though not as uncomfortable as hypothermia would be, I'm sure.

Mom and baby on the beach.

Baby being all cute on the beach, again. Not sure what she's looking at. Again.

So that's my tri update. I've got two more left this year: the Kokopelli in September, and the XTerra Mountain Sport in Ogden this weekend. Long-time readers of Blog o' Mickel (both of you) may remember XTerra as the tri in which I expelled electric-blue vomit all over the bike course last year.

That's right - I'm doing it again. Wish me luck.

A few more...

Here are a few more pics that didn't make it into the trip posting. I thought they deserved to...

This is my father-in-law gazing victoriously off into the distance after dominating my nephew Connor in a round of Death Match kiddie-pool wrestling. At least I think that's what happened.

This was a little boy at Raging Waters who kept crawling into the middle of this tube to make the baby laugh. This kind of thing happens all the time. Should I be alarmed that boys are already showing off for my daughter?

The women of the Pattberg clan embarking on their favorite pasttime: Yard Sale-ing. I'm serious, they'll spend nearly an entire Saturday doing it. While I'm not adverse to the occasional yard sale, my overall feeling for the experience is summed up quite nicely by this Strong Bad E-mail.

Presidential Debates

You know what would be awesome? If the presidential debates were some sort of forum where the candidates engaged in candid, intelligent discussion regarding their stances on the issues that face America today.

Oh well. I guess we'll have to settle for the current format.

By the way, I've been watching more of Ron Paul and I have to say I'm definitely intrigued by the man. He does have some novel, interesting ideas. Too bad there's no way he'll get the nomination.

Man I hate politics.

It's official...

We're going skydiving. September 1st, Hurricane, Utah. Anybody who wants to come is welcome.

I think I just peed my pants a little from excitement.

Cubs win! Cubs win!

Terrific news, everyone. The Cubs are currently in first place in the NL Central. I have to celebrate this while I can, because it probably won't last for long. In fact, this post could very well become obsolete by the end of the day.




While we're talking Cubs, here's a nice wallpaper I found on the Bartman incident. If you're not sure what the Bartman incident is, google "Steve Bartman" or "Bartman Ball". Wikipedia probably has something too.

And of course, what Cubs blogpost would be complete without a link to one of Will Ferrell's Harry Caray clips: Space: the Infinite Frontier. MisterJ also does an excellent Harry Caray impression.

Best line: "It's a simple question, doctor. Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?"

Reason #8 Why it's Better to be a Man Than a Woman

UNASHAMED NUDITY.

So the wife and I went swimming the other day and the conversation steered towards the community shower in the men's locker room (a.k.a. the "Tree of Life" in Utah circles). In just about every men's locker room at every large college, rec. center, swimming pool I've been to they've had this. While it took a little while to get used to at first (teenage years), it hasn't really bothered me since and I now willingly go starkers without a second thought.

She, however, was shocked to find out that men all shower in the same room.

I, on the other hand, was shocked to find out that the women don't.

No, they have their own little stalls where they can shower in absolute privacy, away from the prying eyes of other women.

Men don't have this problem. The other day I was in said community shower with the CEO of my company. We talked business just like we would have if we were in his office. And it wasn't awkward at all. In fact, you can pass a flabby, wrinkly, naked old-man with hairy moles in the locker room with nothing more than a "hey, how's it going?" and it's not weird at all.

Another example: My wife had a best friend in college. They were very close. They lived together, in the same room, for over a year. Every time they changed clothes they would lock themselves in the bathroom. Around the same time I moved in with this best friend's fiance. I think it was about two days before we started mooning each other on a regular basis.

I don't get it. Why are women like this? Aren't they supposed to be the more caring, compassionate gender? Shouldn't they feel comfortable with their bodies around other women if it's MEN who are judgemental and only care about looks, as so many women claim?

This only goes to further my theory that women don't dress up, put on make up, color their hair, artificially enlarge their breasts, or do the dozen other ridiculous things they do to look good for men. They do it for OTHER WOMEN. For the most part, anyway.

Me, I'll willingly moon just about anyone in the right situation and not feel in the least bit ashamed of my hairy wassum.

And that's why it's better to be a man.

Why Pro-Wrestling is Better Than Other Sports

I thought this was pretty funny, especially considering the scandals the three major US sports are in right now. I haven't really watched Pro-Wrestling for nearly a decade now, but there is definitely some truth to this.

The following list is courtesy of MisterJ.


The Top Ten Reasons Professional Wrestling is Better Than Other Sports

1. Unlike NBA fans, wrestling fans have known for years that the outcomes are predetermined.
2. Unlike the NFL, when wrestlers harm animals, it's all fake.
3. Unlike baseball players, wrestlers KNOW when they are taking steroids.
4. Like NBA referees, WWE referees are bad. But unlike NBA referees, the WWE referees have an excuse (getting hit by metal chairs, etc.).
5. When was the last time David Stern (NBA Commisioner) faked his death? WWE owner Vince McMahon did it two months ago.
6. Unlike Golf and Tennis, a wrestling grand slam is actually possible (this is when a wrestler wins four major titles within the same company: i.e., tag titles, intercontinental, european, world).
7. Unlike Kobe Bryant, wrestlers can switch sides whenever they want, including in the middle of a match.
8. Unlike WNBA players, a large percentage of women wrestlers are decent-to-good looking.
9. Unlike cyclists, wrestlers cheat AND get away with it.
10. Dead guys, masked guys, burned guys, cowboys, leprechauns, fat guys, teachers, savages, giants, rappers, rednecks, and guys that say "DAMN!"

Speaking of crazy

...this could very well be the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Skydiving...

So I'm seriously thinking about going skydiving. From what it looks like, most places charge around $170 and you only have to take a 30 minute class. Anyone been?

There's one place that does it above Zion National Park, another in Vegas, more in Salt Lake, Tooele, and Ogden. As much as I'd love to see scenic Tooele or the ghetto of Ogden from 5000 feet, I'm kind of leaning towards Zion.

SKYDIVE ZION

Anyone have any recommendations? Anybody want to come? Cheeth, aren't you coming back to the states sometime in August? Wanna go skydiving? It'd be funner than naked billiards, I'd wager.

I wrote a book

So I'm a Harry Potter fan. I didn't read my first one until about 4 years ago, but once I did I was hooked. After the fifth book came out I decided to write my own just for fun because I didn't want to wait for the next one to come out. Needless to say, I had no idea what I was getting into.

Two and a half years and about 300 single-spaced Word pages later, I've finally finished. I've worked it out and discovered this is the rough equivalent of writing 32 consecutive senior-theses (really the only thing I can compare it to). I'm kind of proud of it, actually - it's the largest creative project I've ever undertaken. Here's a link if you want to see it:


Harry Potter and the Legacy of the Founders


I should warn you, I was new to writing at the time, so the first half of it is pretty poorly written. All in all, though, it's not half-bad.

And yes, I am fully aware this makes me a geek. I embrace the designation.

Bear Lake trip

We took a week off after the Vegas trip and went up to Bear Lake, whose 85 degree weather seemed frosty compared to the 143 degrees of Las Vegas.

The first week of July is pretty busy for us. The first is our Anniversary, the third is the wife's birthday, the fourth of July is, well, the fourth of July, and the fifth is baby's birthday. Rather than regretting this coincidence, however, we've decided to celebrate it by taking the entire week off and egaging in an orgy of frivolity and revelry we refer to as "Mickel Madness."

This is probably a good time to make sure everyone knows that the word 'orgy' refers to any act of immoderate indulgence, and usually doesn't have sexual connotations. That's the orgy I'm talking about. Sickos.




My step-father has a great sailboat in a slip at Bear Lake. It's a lot of fun.

Not getting much breeze, we hoisted up the 'spinnaker'. Here is what a spinnaker looks like.


The great thing about having two family members with birthdays in the same week is that you can recycle the cake. The great thing about having a one year-old is that they don't even understand the concept of present giving - they just want to play in the bag.

I was standing behind this girl in the pancake line in scenic Paris, Idaho and had to get a picture of her shirt. It says:

"You can watch things happen or you can make things happen. Bears MAKE things happen!"

Did you get that, everyone? Bears make things happen. So what's it gonna be? You just gonna sit there and watch life pass you by, like, I don't know, a sissy badger, or some dork deer? Or, are you gonna get out there, be a bear, and MAKE THINGS HAPPEN?! Which is it?! Which are you GONNA BE?!?

This is the pep talk I imagine this girl's swim coach gives before a big meet at whatever 1A high-school she goes to.

The baby pulled her first act of shoplifting during this trip, nicking this spoon out of the nicest restaurant in Bear Lake while we were there. This is her giving a celebratory suck on said spoon.

Here she is exerting her human dominance over my mom's small rat-dog. I've just realized that about 90% of the pictures we take are of the baby. I never thought I'd become one of those people. Oh well.

After B.L. we came down to Salt Lake and hung out with family for a few days. Here's a trip to Raging Waters, the place that has "waves above the rest".

Since being married, starting a career, and having a kid, I've realized it's good to get to places like this every once in a while just to get the excitement level in my life up for a bit. Not that married, baby, work-life isn't great - it is. It's just that not many adreneline-producing, heart-pumping things happen and going down a steep waterslide somehow makes you feel alive again.

Yes, I am fully aware of how lame that sounds.

That's it for now. There was also a triathlon that I'll leave for another post. I better get back to work.

Remember everyone -- BEARS MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

That's it - I'm done with the NBA

That's it. I'm done. I'm forsaking the NBA and becoming a college basketball fan.

I've been a big fan of the NBA for a long time now. Despite the recent success of the Jazz, however, I've found myself more and more disillusioned with it, culminating with the Suns-Spurs debacle in the last playoffs. Now it's just been discovered that one of the referees has been manipulating games for the mob.

Outstanding.

Above are a few clips from game 3 of the aforementioned debacle. The sad thing is I'm actually relieved to hear one of the refs was crooked, because it was even scarier to think someone could be that incompetent UNINTENTIONALLY.

Anyways, I needed just one more reason to say good-bye to the NBA, and this is it. Apparently I'm not the only one either. Here's a good column by the SportsGuy:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070722

I'm going to get into college basketball, where the athletes actually care about winning and some vestiges of actual sport still remain.

Oh yeah, and while I'm on the subject of denouncing things, I'd also like to announce that I'm turning my back on CNN.com and making NPR.org my official internet news source. One can handle only so much celebrity gossip and blatant self-promotion passed off as news.

Toodles.

Harry Potter 7

Finished the last HP book last night. It was ok. Not as good as I thought it'd be, but a way better finale than Seinfeld or Matrix Revolutions. That's all I'm going to say.

More Brian Regan

Here's some more. I love this guy. But not in the way you're thinking. In a more...romantic way.

(That joke courtesy of Sidwello)

Going to see Brian Regan

We just go tickets for Brian Regan this August at Thanksgiving Point. I can't wait -- he's been our favorite comedian for a while now.

If you've never heard him, check this clip out.

Putting the "Man" in Human Resources

So, as promised, here is a brief re-cap of my adventures at the SHRM conferences two weeks ago.

First of all, I just need to say that Vegas is incredibly hot in July. I'm not kidding, it was like 127 degrees there. As I walked the 30 feet from the door of the hotel to my car - polo shirt clinging to the sheen of sweat that had spontaneously appeared on my back - I realized that the heat is just one more similarity Vegas shares with Hell.

It was a good time though. The wife and kid came with me, so we stayed at the Hughes Center Marriot. I'm not big on the whole cigarette-smoke filled, women-in-their-50's-in-tight-cocktail-waitress-outfits, hordes-of-elderly-folks-and-Asian-tourists-putting-yet-another-nickel-into-a-slot-machine-like-so-many-laboratory-rats-Casino-scene anyway, so Marriot was a nice change.

SHRM does a number of conferences, one of which is a huge annual gathering where people come from all over the world. Last year it was in D.C. and Colin Powell was the opening speaker. This year it was Lance Armstrong.

He was great. Very inspiring. He also jokes openly about only having one testicle.

Here we are at the aforementioned Marriot. Great pic of a gate and the parking garage.

Here's what the inside of the SHRM annual conference looks like. They said there were 22000 people there. I don't know about that, but I do know that probably 4 out of 5 HR professionals are women. That's why the profession is so wimpy.

The conference was held at the Las Vegas Convention Center, which is a beast of an enormous building. I read somewhere that it has around 2 million square-feet of space in it. Which amounts to over 1800 of my house put together.

If your mission was to make themickel cry, Las Vegas Convention Center, mission accomplished.

This is a gargantuan, hyptnotic, multi-colored cone in a corner of the MGM Grand. I think they were trying to reproduce the CPU from the blockbuster movie Tron. For the two of you who have seen Tron.

Other highlights:

• Great presentations on employee compensation and retention. Basically I learned my job is only going to get harder over the next few years. Much harder. The baby-boomers are retiring and there is a projected worker shortage of 10 million by 2010. Great if you're unemployed, horrible if you're a recruiter.


• The guy who won American Idol a while back sang at the opening - I think his name's Reuben. I actually don't care enough to Google it and find out. I guess this is pretty big if you're into American Idol.


• SWAG. More swag than you could shake a stick at. I actually didn't get much this year, not wanting to have to cart it home.


• We scored three nights at our choice of 4 different quality Vegas hotels for only $150. All we have to do is attend a 2-hour presentation on Marriot Grand-Chateux timeshares. This special is targeted at older, rich couples who have money to burn, so it will be fun to watch their reactions when a not-quite wealthy couple who look like they're 18 walk in.
  
• And, as always, company funded meals, travel, and everything else. I don't take advantage of this as much as most people do, but still enjoy it. Great restaurants around the Hughes Center too.

Oh yeah, and if anyone gets that, "If your mission was to make me cry" comment, they get a fabulous prize. Here's a hint: replace 'themickel' with 'Kordos'.

Exciting New Update

So the grumpy old minister I wrote about earlier just gave me a good fist-shaking as I passed him on my scooter this morning. This is terrific news because after the article in The Spectrum came out I feared his crusade against people going 5 mph over the speed limit had ended. Now he's back in the game, baby!

I'm not kidding - this guy's nuts. It's only a matter of time before he puts a rake through someone's head, then justifies it by comparing it to when God commanded Joshua to wipe out the Philistines because they were sinners. He's that crazy. Anyways, he gave me a good fist-shake, pointed frantically at the speed limit sign and motioned for me to slow down. I was going 27. So I smiled and sped up.

If you hear about my body being found in a shallow desert grave in the next day or two, you'll know what happened.

The Japanese are WAY funnier than we are

So I'm still out of town. Took a week vacation and am not able to get any pics up yet. This is even better though.

Holy cow. If you haven't seen these already, you've got to check them out. These are three clips from Japanese television that show that the Japanese are not only our superiors in electronics, but in humor and in not-being-lameness as well.

Enjoy.

First, the 100 Man Effect

My favorite is the fourth clip where they throw the guy in the air, then disappear. I think it's my favorite because most Japanese businessmen are so stuffy and morose and could definitely use something like this.

And I still have some pent-up anger from getting kekko'd for two years straight...

Silent Library

This one brings up fond memories of playing the batsu game with Searle, Rands, and Miyasaki every morning in Atsugi.

I'll just give you the link since I'm having trouble posting the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcofZqccSQA

Japanese Bathroom Prank

Warning: several butt-shots ensue. Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Especially when they work the boat into the whole thing.

Japanese Mission Impossible: Ski Resort spa prank

Serious, can you imagine someone trying to do any of these in America? Do you know how many lawsuits would ensue? Let's take the port-o-potty one: First, the poor sap who had his or her arse put on display for the whole world to see would sue. Then, the spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend who is standing by laughing would sue. After that each passerby would sue, claiming emotional trauma. Then the families of the victims would sue. Then Johnny Knocksville would sue, claiming they stole the idea from him. And if it ever aired on TV, a couple thousand more people would sue. America is stupid that way.

Though, to be completely honest -- if I went to a ski resort and ended up careening down the bunny hill in nothing but a loincloth, I'd probably consider getting some money out of it too. Or at least one of those delicious $12.00 ski resort burgers...

Been out of town

Hey, I'm back. I've been in Vegas at a Society of Human Resource Convention. I'll get a post up on that soon.

Actually, let me rephrase that.

Someday, I will get a post up on that.

Is it wrong that I take a cruel, vindictive pleasure in this?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/06/08/paris.hilton.ap/index.html

The part about Paris Hilton getting dragged out of a courtroom crying and screaming, that is.

I guess I need to start out by saying I despise Paris Hilton. And not just her, but this whole breed of human-wasteland-as-celebrity that we've produced as a society (i.e. Spears, Lohan, etc.). With all the serious, messed up things happening in the world the fact that we pay so much attention to these shallow, intellectually vapid dolts actually makes me vomit in my own mouth a little. Millions displaced and dying in Darfur? Who cares, Paris Hilton got another DUI - slap it on the front page! The president of Russia is ticked off about the U.S. missle Defense Shield? That's not a story, Lindsey Lohan just went back into rehab!

Do you realize we were within a George W. Bush gaffe of starting a second Cold War with Russia just a few days ago? Do you know what CNN.com's headline story was? Hilton Reports to Jail.

Anyways, I've gone off on a tangent here. Back to my original subject.

After hearing that the tart in question had been let off on "house-arrest" due to an unspecified "medical-condition" (read: she wouldn't eat jail food), I was extremely disturbed. I mean, would any of us - the poor, insignificant lumpen of the proletariat - get the same concession if a judge had specifically made orders against it? Yet here she was, three days into her already shortened term, going home to spend the rest of her "punishment" in her mansion. Harsh.

Fortunately the judge brought her back into the courtroom and ordered her to serve the original sentence of 45 days in its entirety, in jail, restoring an iota of my faith in the American legal system and California's government as he did so. Good for you, unnamed judge.

It's pretty low in me, I admit, but I did get a certain sense of satisfaction in reading this. Can you believe she actually called out for her mother in the courtroom, like a spoiled 8-year old fighting with her brother? Perhaps justice isn't always for sale in this country.

Enjoy the food, Paris.

Another grevious sin to add to my list...

This is awesome. There's an old man who lives just a block or two away from us who gets absolutely livid when people 'speed' by his house. Two problems though: 1) he lives on a road that is practically the lone outlet for over 2000 people and is therefore very busy, and 2) his definition of speeding is anything over 25 mph. Over 20 mph, actually. He'll shake his fist, jump out into the road, and even throw brooms and shovels at speeding cars to get them to slow down. We've driven by him going 25 before and still get the condemning pump of the fist. What's even more fun is the fact that he's the minister at the neighboring church.

Anyways, up till now only those who live in our neck of the woods have been aware of this very special man (affectionately referring to him as "the crazy old man"), but as of today his place as a local celebrity has been sealed forever, as he made the front page of the newspaper. Check it out:

Minister: Speeding is a Sin

Keep in mind this is the same paper that once put a career fair (and the back of my head) on the front page, but still...quite an accomplishment.

Just to give you an idea of this guy, imagine Kramer in his 70's. And not funny. And the minister of a church. Here's my favorite quote from the article:

He said the people who complain about him and tell the police they're not speeding are liars and therefore sinners.

"It is not Christian," he said.

Ah, yes. Because nothing shows Christian love like following a complete stranger into his place of work and screaming at him in front of co-workers, supervisors, and customers for going 30 mph past your house. That's the way to convert the world.

Four Way Stops ≠Rocket Science

That's it, I can't take it anymore. I have to vent.

Why can't people figure out 4-way stops?

Seriously, are they that hard? Here's what you do - if someone gets to a 4-way stop before you, you let them go. If you get there at the same time, whoever is on the right goes first. That's it.

Pretty simple, right? Apparently not, because it seems half the people I meet at these things heven't the least idea what they're supposed to do.

Should I go? No, I think he does. Well wait, he's not moving and I got here 10 seconds before him, so maybe that means I go. Oh, this person just pulled up on the other side. I better wait until he goes. Or how about I just pull forward ten feet into the middle of the intersection and stop? Yeah, that should facilitate an efficient transit for everyone.

If you say that last line in a Brian Regan voice, it's at least 5 times funnier.

As far as I can tell this is what goes on in these peoples' minds. Maybe we need to call a town meeting or something to address the issue. You know, we sound a big gong, the whole city gathers at town hall, the mayor does a 5-minute presentation (with role play) on proper 4-way stop etiquette, the old people get a chance to gripe about how fast college students drive, we all have donuts and go home happy. Problem solved.

Of course, we're still figuring out how to use our blinkers in this town, so expecting everyone to successfully pull off omething as cryptic and intricate as the 4-way stop procedure may be asking a little too much.

Oh yeah, and while we're on the subject, here's another thing that makes me mad -- people driving while on their cell-phones. Hey, thanks for risking the lives of everyone around you just so you can talk to your roommate about what happened on Lost or how your boyfriend thinks you talk too much five minutes sooner than if you just waited until you got home. We all appreciate it.

Ok, I'm done. Thanks for letting me vent. Now that I look back at the post, I guess my purpose in writing today was to show how most people are stupid, but I'm not.

I hope that's what you take away from this: most people are stupid, but not me.

Hey, have a good one.

Hillary Clinton scares me

...Honestly. I am frightened by her. I would love a woman president, but she's not a woman. She's...

EVIL

Obama all the way.

Check out this Onion article: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/hillary_clinton_tries_to_woo

Present from Dundler-Mifflin

It's the simple things in life that bring happiness. Like getting a Dwight Schrute bobblehead for your office desk.

I'll get a pic up sometime. And I stress sometime.