The Great Santa Race

Tomorrow we leave for Vegas to participate in the Great Santa Run, a race sponsored by a charity called Opportunity Village that helps people with intellectual handicaps lead normal lives. It's a 5K starting on Fremont Street and ending...I'm assuming on Fremont Street. The funnest part is that each of the 10,000+ runners is dressed up as Santa Claus (they give you a free Santa suit at sign-in), so you have an otherwise trashy, drab Vegas street momentarily transformed into Christmas joy as a deluge of scarlet St. Nick's go running by.

Apparently they're also trying to break the world record for the largest gathering of Santas ever in one spot. So Guinness will be there. Consequently, this will be the third Guinness World Record attempt I've inadvertently been a part of in just 6 months. And, surprisingly enough, the least stupid.

Also, Sigfried and Roy are the honorary grand-marshals.

I won't lie to you. The most exciting part of this for me isn't the race, the world-record, or even the chance to help out a deserving charity. It's the free Santa suit.

Needless to say, this has the potential to be the best for-charity, set in the desert dressed as Santa Claus, surrounded by 10,000 other idiots trying to set a meaningless world record 5K grand-marshaled by two homosexual magicians, one of whom was mauled by a rare White Tiger that I've ever been in. Wish me luck!


Oh yeah, and Cheeth - I totally won your "Name that Quote" from a few days ago and I want my ramen. Go check your comments.

The word "knave" isn't part of the American vernacular anymore...

Just thought I would warn you, so you don't make the same mistake I did.

HOLY CRAP

Have you read about the latest police tasering to make waves on the news and on YouTube, the one mentioned by Sorro not long ago? I was just reading up on it online when, suddenly, the realization hit me like a taser to the back:

The taseree and the pregnant wife are friends of ours.

They moved out of town about a year ago so he could take a job around Vernal.

They are intelligent, educated, immensely friendly people.

I'm amazed by this. Bewildered. It's not every day you find out the faceless person in the most recent police-maltreatment story is someone you know, someone you've gone to church with, babysat for, been to their house for a Christmas party.

Suddenly they have a face.

Holy crap.

Needless to say I'm mad. Even before I knew who they were, this looked like another overreaction by the police. I'll admit that Jared definitely didn't help the situation, but did he deserve to be tasered? Isn't that reserved for someone who is wild, frantic, beyond reason? He was calm, rational - maybe even moreso than the officer. I'm one who usually gives the cops the benefit of a doubt, but now I'm just disgusted.

What is the procedure here? Is not signing your ticket so grievous an offense that a tasering is justified? Are you even required by law to sign the ticket? Doesn't the cop have to tell you how fast you were going? I really want to understand this - does anyone know the protocol here?

Here's the video:

Snopes.com

Ever get those e-mail forwards that alert you to a vast left-wing/right-wing/homosexual/transexual/heterosexual/metrosexual/governmental/ anarchist/Jewish/ Catholic/Muslim/Hindu/Mormon/Iraqi/Pagan/Soviet/ hollywood/Clinton/white/black/asian/ vegetarian/union/tobacco industry/car industry/meat industry/NRA/Al Quaeda/Florida Citrus Council conspiracy in the form of "In God We Trust" being removed from our currency or barcodes being the long prophesied Mark of the Beast?

If you don't already, check Snopes.com the next time you get one of these. Chances are whatever vast goverment cover-up someone's intrepid uncle exposed is actually an e-mail hoax that has been going on for years and has mutated into several different versions.

I love this site. Any e-mail or story you hear that sounds sensational is worth researching with them. I've probably checked up on around 15 sensational e-mails or urban legends using Snopes. Turns out all but one have been bogus.

Here are a few of my favorites:

The "Microsoft/AOL/Apple will give us all a million dollars if you forward this" e-mail.

The "If we all don't buy gas on a certain day, oil companies will buckle and lower the price of gas permanently and all forms of evil on earth will turn into flowers and rainbows" e-mail.

The gangs-using-headlights-to-initiate-new-members hoax. The longevity of this one is impressive. I remember police warning us about this in high school more than 10 years ago.

And, of course, the "Harry Potter is converting children to devil worship" hysteria, which can largely be traced back to an article from The Onion. The funniest part about this is the fact that whatever hysterical, well-intentioned yet hopelessly ignorant mom originally wrote the e-mail didn't find it odd that High Priest Egan would use the word 'gravy' to express his excitement at the large number of virgins joining his church. Simply outstanding.

Men vs. Women Drivers

The majority of guys will tell you women are much worse at driving than men are. I disagree. I think men and women are equally bad at driving. We just get there in different ways.

When women do something stupid while driving it's accidental, usually because they weren't paying attention or they made a bad spatial or timing judgement. When men do something stupid, it's intentional. We know it's not a good idea, but we're going to do it anyway.

For instance, a woman will cut you off, causing you to slam on your brakes and risk losing control of your car, because she gave only a cursory glance (if she gave one at all) over her shoulder to check her blind spot. A man will cut you off, causing you to slam on your brakes and risk losing control of your car, simply because he wanted to be in front of you.

I'm not sure which is worse. Though men get frustrated that some women don't seem to have the mental capacity for good driving, we in turn may have the capacity but don't use it. What does that say about us?

As validation of this point I would bring up the fact that insurance companies charge more to insure young men than young women. Not because men are worse drivers, but because they know men are going to try stupider things. For instance, you never see women pulling this kind of crap:

What Not to Say in an Interview: Honorable Mentions

When I wrote the post on the Top 3 Things You Shouldn't Say in an Interview, there were a few gems that didn't make it in. I think they deserve a mention, though, so here you go. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.


Question I asked: Tell me one thing you learned from the first job you ever had.
Applicants Answer: How to manipulate the system.

Me: So that's the gist of the job. Do you have any questions for me?

Applicant: Yes. I'm currently under the protection of the Federal Government. They may come to me in the middle of the night someday and have me move out of state, and I won't be able to come back to work. Is that a problem?

Question I asked: What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Answers I've received:

I'm bipolar.

I don't like people.

I'm almost always late.

I have depression.

Question I asked: Think back to a time where you had to deal with someone - a client, co-worker, boss, whoever - that was a hard person to communicate with. Please tell me what you did to overcome this and resolve the problem.

Applicant (this was for a computer position): Well, one day I got a call about a computer that was broken. I was sick, so I told them to hold the phone up to the computer. Then I told the computer, 'Look, I'm sick today. I don't feel like coming in. I fixed you just last week and I know you're ok, so I need you to stop being stupid and work. Will you do that for me?' And then (candidate fixes me with smug expression), it worked. I fixed it just by doing that.


And the granddaddy of them all...

During one particular interview, the applicant continually steered the conversation towards an abusive relationship they had been in. Your job as an HR professional (for both legal and professional reasons) is to steer it away from personal issues and keep strictly to what is relevant for that position. In an attempt to do this, I said:

"Please tell me about an important goal you've set for yourself and accomplished in the past. What steps did you take to insure that you would be successful?"

At this, the applicant launched into yet another lengthy jeremiad on the abusive spouse, the majority of which I apparently have blocked from memory. I do remember the last part, however:

"And when [the spouse] finally got a gun and SHOT ME IN THE HEAD [emphasis added], I decided I had to get out of there. That was a goal I set for myself."

Wow.

What do you say to that as an interviewer? Of course you want to say how awful that is or express concern for the person, but that's what you have to stay away from. So how do you possibly follow up a statement like that?

Er...so you'd say your greatest strength is...your skull's ability to withstand bullets?


And that is why my job is always interesting.

Cheerleaders: Do we really need them?

Warning: The following post is critical of cheer leading, so if you are/were/want to be a cheerleader, or have deep feelings about this obsolete fossil of Americana, you may want to read something else instead. Might I recommend my riveting piece on the whereabouts of Chunk?

Why do we have cheerleaders? No, really? Why are they there?

I have a buddy who is a sportswriter for the local university. He needed help keeping stats for a football invitational being held at the school the other day, so I went along with him. It was good times: sitting with reporters and higher-ups in that modern-day Mount Olympus of the sporting world, the press box; listening to the off-mike commentary of the announcer (a jovial, rotund man of Southern heritage with a hic accent and a keen, Jon Stewart-esque wit); and watching some fun, surprisingly engaging (even if it was sloppy) football. These things, mixed together with the enthusiasm of the crowd, the beautiful fall day, and the picturesque surroundings, combined for one of the more transcendent sports experiences of my life. There was only one thing that didn't quite fit, like an off-key note in a beautiful harmony...

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN!" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN!" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Every time one of the teams scored, their cheerleaders would turn, face the crowd, and let loose with this gem of cheerleadery:

"WE-GOT-A TOUCH-DOWN! (in an even, monotone voice)" Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Now, it's not that this specific cheer was lame (which it was), it's that just about everything cheerleaders do is pointless and unimaginative. I mean, other than the acrobatics (which are fun to watch and keep the crowds' interest during time outs) I don't see anything they do that would justify their existence. They're even worse on TV. Example:

We've just come back from commercial at the Texas-Oklahoma game. They show an uncomfortably close close-up of a Texas cheerleader (nose hairs and 2 inches of makeup clearly visible) who claps her pom-poms together mindlessly and says: "Go Longhorns!" We stay on her. She claps more. After three seconds, she again says "Go Longhorns!" More clapping. More vacant smiling. 3 more seconds. "Go Longhorns!" Repeat 5 more times.

And this happens at least 82 times a game.

It just seems the whole concept of cheer leading is outdated and misguided. Two more quick illustrations:

• The home team is getting crushed. Absolutely demolished. The only people who are still around are the parents of the athletes, and they're checking with other parents to see if their kid can get a ride home. Inevitably the cheerleaders will line up and give three or four cheers about how awesome/unbeatable/indestructible their team is, something along the lines of "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, Hillcrest Huskies can't be beat. NO WAY!" Do they not realize this isn't the best time to cheer about how invincible the team is? When you're getting your butt kicked?



• At my high school they came up with the following cheer for the basketball team: every time we made a free-throw, we would say: "Shoot - that ball - and through the hoop it falls - so Swoosh! IN YOUR FACE!" We were to say this last part with special fervor and then shake our hands at the opposing school in rhythm with IN YOUR FACE. Here's the problem: that's not a short cheer. Everyone got sick of it after about 3 minutes into the game. More importantly, it's ridiculous to taunt the other team after scoring ONE point in a game where the final scores are typically in the 70's or 80's. "Hey! We just scored 1 point! So now we're only losing by sixteen instead of seventeen! IN YOUR FACE, renobs!"

And I guess that's the root of what bugs me most about cheerleaders: they don't seem to know anything about sports. I mean, do they even understand what's going on during the games? Do they know that you only get one point for a free throw? Or what a field goal is? Or where you could locate the catcher on a baseball diamond>

Now, I'm not saying that we should get rid of cheer leading altogether - it fills a vital role in determining social hierarchy among American adolescents, and we need to know who the cool kids are. No. I'm just saying that perhaps it is time for an overhaul. If we're going to further the objectification of women, we at least want to have something to show for it, right?

So here are some suggestions on how to make cheer leading relevant:

1. Cheerleaders should be actual sports fans. You know, actually enjoy sports. To judge this, cheerleader hopefuls would be asked a series of sports questions as part of their tryouts. The questions could be as simple as: The NBA, the NFL, and MLB. Which one of these has to to with football? or, Who is Barry Bonds and what sport does he play? Bonus question: Why is his head as big as it is? (There are 2 correct answers), or, Name 1 person who has played for the Jazz other than Karl Malone, John Stockton, and the tall Russian guy with weird hair.
   
   
2. Learn some new acrobatics. You ever seen that family of Chinese midget acrobats? Now those guys are cool.
   
   
3. Cheerleaders should heckle. Just think - what if, at the beginning of each game, the cheerleaders chose one player on the other team (preferably a good one), and made it their mission to get inside his head and throw him off his game (ala Cheeth's epic heckling stories from high school)? Taunts, jeers, goat sounds every time he got the ball, whatever. Wouldn't this add a fun new dynamic to the game?



4. A residual benefit of the above plan would be that suddenly the most obnoxious, clever, and full-voiced individuals at our high schools and colleges would find themselves in high demand, a premium placed the talents which had previously gone underutilized by the theatre and drama departments. This in turn would help reduce eating disorders and the consumption of anti-depressants among our youth and help alleviate global warming.
   
   
5. They could actually learn cheers that are relevant for that specific moment in the game.
   
   

Those are just a few ideas. I hope this didn't come across as cheerleader bashing, because that wasn't the intent. I'm just suggesting they step it up a notch. You know, think outside the box and bring the thing into the 21st century. They've got to be capable of more than inane cheers and giving teenage boys something to gawk at.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooo Cougars!!!



(p.s. my favorite part of this posting was the triumphant return of the phrase "renob".)

Job Interview

Just once I'd like to do an interview like this. Just to get out of the routine and keep things interesting.

Pet Peeve: Cell Phones

I think our obsession with cell phones is pretty funny. I should start with the disclaimer that the wife and I don't have a cell phone. I know this is akin to saying we also don't use electricity at home and pee outside, but I am not ashamed. If I asked, my work would get me a free Blackberry and pay for service, but I have no desire to have one.

Now, I concede that they are handy little devices and that there have been a few situations where one would have been incredibly useful to us, but in the end I think they're just one more item intended to make life easier but have only made it more complicated.

Here are my cell phone pet-peeves:

• "Yeah, so the other day we're on our way to the.......and.........can you...... CAN YOU HEAR ME? Sorry, I'm.........bad service ove..........we go...... brrggghtt....... jommm.....fellldmalsdjfoasdfjlk.................................................................................... ........................................................................................................Call you....ack."


• People texting while they drive. Apparently some kid up in Salt Lake hit and killed a couple people because he was busy texting while driving. The cops checked his cell-phone record and found he had been texting for 20 minutes before the accident. Now he's being charged with Vehicular Manslaughter.

got2go cops here pwned! 10yrsprsn :( c u ltr

• When you call someone up, get sent to voice mail, you leave a long, detailed message, then as soon as you hang up you get a call from that person. And they didn't bother to listen to your message.


• "You there? Ok, sorry about that, I don't get good service unless I'm standing in the middle of Salt Lake. Anyways, like I was saying, the other day we.........blaaakkkhht............to the treeeeemmupphh....................DRGT................................. BLORK............................KERMOCK ......................................................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................call you....ack."


• "Hey, sorry we didn't call you back those three times you called us. We're out of minutes until next Saturday." Anyone who has ever said any version of this needs to seriously rethink their life.


• People on their cell at a restaurant or something who talk louder on the phone than they would to someone standing 2 feet away. Like we all want to hear what's going on.


• On that same note, going out to dinner or having friends over who repeatedly answer their cell during the course of the evening. We had one friend the other day who spent at least 35 minutes of the hour we were together answering four different calls. I think socializing in the future will consist mainly of conference calls.


• When you call someones cell phone, you KNOW they have caller ID, you KNOW they even have a special ring-tone set up JUST for your number, then they say, "Oh hey! How are you?" like they're surprised it's you. I love this.


• "Hey, me again. Sorry, here.........bad...........eption...............I............it's bad..........SHHIIIGGGGGTTTT!.....................all you ack...."


• Most numbers I get on resumes are for cell phones. When the above happens during an interview, I hang up and move on to the next candidate.

And my biggest pet-peeve about cell phones:

• You call someone up (this happens all the time both at work and with friends). They answer, you're about to start talking, then they cut you off with "Oh, sorry, can I call you back? I don't have time to talk right now."

WHY'D YOU ANSWER THE PHONE THEN? Why pick it up at all if you're just going to tell the person, "Sorry, I can't talk right now"?!? What's the point? If only they could come up with some sort of device that could answer your phone for you. You know, if you're busy and don't have time to talk. Like a machine or something.....A Machine of Answering, as it were. That would be great. Maybe someday....

Can you honestly say your cell phone has made your life easier? Does the convenience of being able to call anyone at anytime (unless of course one or both of you aren't getting service. Which seems to be more than half the time) compensate for alienating your friends, becoming a slave to usage rules, making our roads more dangerous, and having to listen to the inane conversations of insufferable strangers? Is it?

If so, more power to you. Me? I'll stick with having a home phone that I seldom answer.

Halloween

Pics from Halloween.

Despite John McEnroe and his afro winning the poll, I ended up going as Pop-Eye (I couldn't find the right stuff for John and when I do that costume, it's got to be done right). Maybe next year.

Here we are: a baby chicken, a fairy, and Pop-Eye. I've decided every year we should find the three most random, unrelated costumes we can. For instance, next year we could be John McEnroe, a carrot, and Mother Theresa.

Anyone have any completely random costume ideas for 3 people, one of whom is a toddler? And I mean three things that are just weird to have together? Whoever has the best idea will receive a very special prize.

Some kid we took a picture of. I think she thought we were trying to steal her candy.

The baby. Being all cute again.

Severed Head man.

We went to Amy's aunt's place in St. George, where the entire neighborhood goes overboard in their Halloween festivities and it is a lot of fun. The house next door does a free spook alley, where about 400 people showed up and waited in line. Amy's aunt and uncle bring the BBQ out, set up tables, and serve hotdogs and burgers to everyone who wants one while severed head man (who you can see hiding between the two tables above) freaks out the young and gullible.

When I grow up, this is where I want to live.