Top Three Things to NOT Say in a Job Interview

So I just did an interview with a gentleman who gave one of the best responses I've ever heard to an interview question. And by "best" I don't mean that the answer was impressive or significantly raised his chances of being hired, but that it was entertaining for me to hear.

Here's the dialogue:

ME: "What would you consider your greatest weakness?"

INTERVIEWEE: (Thinks for a couple seconds before answering, a thoughtful look creasing his middle-aged brow)

"I annoy some people. I'm like sauerkraut - either you like me or you hate me."

Outstanding. So we should just think of you as...sauerkraut.

Anyways, this made me think of a mental list I've been keeping ever since starting this job, something I've been meaning to blog about but never have until this particular individual acted as catalyst: the Top Three Things that you Shouldn't Say in a Job Interview.

Keep in mind, to qualify for this list the statement had to actually have been said in an interview. Here we go:

Number 3 - Here's the background: A woman popped into my office to apply for an open position without an appointment. I had time, so I asked if she wanted to sit down and talk more about it. She agreed, but said she was on a quick break from work and only had about 10 minutes. I started the interview and when the 10 minutes was up asked when she could come back to complete a clerical test we give. Her answer:

INTERVIEWEE: "Oh, I can do that now."

ME: "Don't you have to get back to work?"

INTERVIEWEE: (Waves hand dismissively) "Pssh. No, I told my boss I had to take my daughter to the doctor. I've got plenty of time."

Wow. This one still amazes me. She gave TWO reasons not to hire her in just one statement

1. I habitually LIE to my employer


2. I am not INTELLIGENT ENOUGH to realize that I shouldn't tell YOU, a prospective employer, that I habitually lie to my employer

Three if you include: I have no qualms exploiting my position as mother to manipulate others. Either way, that's got to be a record of some sort.

Number 2 - This was in response to the same question as Sauerkraut Man, the trusty old "What do you consider your greatest weakness?" question:

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, I usually won't finish a task unless my boss is standing over my shoulder the entire time making me do it."

She said this. I'm not kidding - she seriously said this. Quick Tip: If you're the type of person who doesn't get things done at work, you want to look into fixing that. It will help your career tremendously.

This woman also qualified for reason-not-to-hire #2 on the first woman's example, the "If you're not smart enough to realize you shouldn't be telling me this, then we don't have a job for you" corollary.

Finally, the Number 1 thing you shouldn't say in an interview, which is still my favorite and initiated one of the most awkward moments of my life:

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, all my life I've had a fascination with dead bodies."

Now, I was about to write the background and the question that led to this particular statement, but is it necessary? I mean, is there ANY situation in a job interview where you should actually say "All my life I've had a fascination with dead bodies"? EVER? I suppose if the position is at a mortuary and involves the dressing/grooming of dead people, you're ok, but generally you're going to want to steer away from that one. I would've thought Career Services would have covered that one at the last job fair.

So there you go. Those are the top three things you should never say in an interview, which I've actually had people say. The fun thing about this list is that it's constantly changing. If anyone has other examples they would like to nominate for the list, I would love to hear them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an inexplicable craving for a bratwurst.

The Dentist

So I just went in to the dentist to get a cavity filled. At the point where they whip out the drill and you can actually smell your tooth burning, it made me think of Coach McGuirk getting Lasik.

RAINED OUT

So Saturday was the long-awaited Kokopelli Triathlon at Sand Hollow Resevoir. Southern Utah averages about 7 inches* of rain a year. I think we got all of it on Saturday.

They cancelled it. Big bummer. There were about 1000 racers there at 7:00 in the morning when the first wave was supposed to start. It was cloudy, but not bad at all. They started the first two waves, then just as mine got in the water and was about to start, they called off the swim.

Here's what I don't get - when it rains, the Race Directors will usually call off the swim, but still do the run and the bike. Why is that? I mean, it's raining. It's the swim. They're both water, right? The only explanation I can think of is lighting, but wouldn't a horde of people riding large, metallic machines in an enormously long line be more likely to attact lightning than those same people swimming in rubber suits? Is there a Mr. Wizard out there who can explain this?

Anyways, at first they just called the swim, making it a run-bike-run, but within a minute or two it got so bad they called the entire thing off. It was a good call too. I don't think the small rural town next door has enough ambulances to accomodate everyone who would have wiped-out on their bikes.

So that's it for triathlon this year. Kokopelli was the last one, and it was a rain-out. Kind of a bummer, but I feel far worse for the people who flew in or for whom it was their first tri. We just drove home and rented a movie. Then I ate cookies. I also feel bad for the race director, who gets to tell 1000 people that something they've planned on for months and invested considerable time and money has been cancelled.

In related news, I'm doing the Salt Lake Marathon in April. Giddyup.

_

* I didn't want to take the time and actually check an almanac, so this figure is completely made up. You'll find the joke works no matter what number you put in there though. Seriously. Try it.

Another One

This one is even better. See the post below for an explanation.

And yes, I know it is very un-American for me to rip on baseball in favor of soccer.

Baseball is far more boring than Soccer

So I'm getting more and more into soccer, or "football" as the rest of the world fittingly calls it. The biggest gripe most Americans seem to have against it is that no one ever scores, which in turn makes it boring. I disagree. At least there is constant action in soccer. You know what doesn't have constant action? Baseball.

Seriously, have you ever paid attention to what actually goes on in baseball? There's a pitch...80% of the time the ball doesn't touch the bat...there's a 30 second delay...they show a shot of the manager in the dugout...a kid eating a hot dog in the stands...the pitcher comes back onto the mound...he prepares for the next pitch...the batter steps out of the box...adjusts his helmet...spits...slowly comes back into the box, holding his hand back to the umpire until he can get completely settled in...another pitch...Ball...outside...one announcer regales the other with an account of his visit to a steak house the last time he was in Philidelphia for a Phillies game...shot of a kid with a big styrofoam finger not paying any attention to the game...another pitch...foul...count is 1-1...

...and then you seriously wonder whether you're happy with your life.

Doesn't that adequately sum up the experience of watching a baseball game? Did I leave anything out? Maybe the two-dozen shots of the Goodyear Blimp? Maybe 8% of baseball involves someone actually engaged in some sort of physical activity. And that goes down to 3% if you don't count spitting, crotch-grabbing, or the annoying between-pitch habits each player has.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of baseball. Played Little League my entire childhood. You just have to admit it is a dull, slow-moving sport.

Go Cubs.

Michael Moore vs. Humana

The previous post on insurance made me think of this video.

While I'm not necessarily a fan of Michael Moore, I applaud anyone who's actually doing something about the reprehensible state of the current system. And he seems to be doing more on that front than anyone else lately.

My Dilemma

Everyday I labor under a dilemma. Though I love the company and the people I work for, I don't especially care for the industry we're in. In fact, I abhor it.

Insurance.

Is there a more vile, dull industry out there?

Now I'll be the first one to admit that insurance provides a valuable service to society (even the Egyptians had a type of insurance program). I'll also admit that my specific personality type makes me unfairly biased against it (to me banking, securities, taxes, insurance and the like are boorish, intellectually unprofitable pursuits). But these two concessions notwithstanding, I still can't help but regard the entire industry as a colossal bureaucratic wasteland whose original function has long since been forgotten in the name of greed and profits.

And that's not even including health insurance companies.

Have you ever actually read your homeowner's policy in its entirety? Your auto policy? A business policy? Here are some fun tidbits you might not be aware of:

• Say a windstorm picks up and blows over a tree in your backyard, causing it to crash into your house for $15,000 in damage. Your insurance company will not cover this. On the other hand, if a gang of vagabonds come by one night in a pick-up truck and steal your tree, that IS covered.


• If you own a business and park a boat in your empty parking lot behind your building, then a telephone pole falls over and completely demolishes that boat, it is NOT covered under your policy. Yet if a complete stranger parks his boat in your parking lot and the same thing happens, it IS covered. Under YOUR policy.


• Taking the prior example a step further: If YOU park your boat in some poor shmoe's parking lot and a telephone pole falls on it and the boat is 26 feet and 3 inches long, it is NOT covered. But if said boat is 25 feet and 11 inches long, it IS covered. If it is 25 feet, 11 inches long, and says "Big Frank's Fish, Chips, and Harbor Tours" in blue writing on the side, it is NOT covered.


• Assume you have a different Named Insured who has a BAP (Business Auto Policy) in which endorsement Symbol 3 (Owned Private Passenger Autos) is used to trigger liability, comprehensive, and collision coverage. If the insured acquires a panel truck, there is no automatic coverage because the panel truck does not qualify as a private passenger auto, unless specifically endorsed by using the QW30 Inland/Marine Additional Coverage form, (or, for clients located in California, Oklahoma, and some parts of Canada, the Accord 10W390 Umbrella Endorsement Document).

Ok, that last once wasn't about your auto or homeowner's policy. I just threw it in there to give you a feel for all the crap I have to study.

Can you believe this stuff? And these were just the examples that quickly came to mind, which are pretty tame compared to some of the other outlandish contradictions of common sense I've come across in the 3 years I've worked for the Man.

I mean, is learning this kind of information really what anyone should want to do with their life? How does it help anyone? Shouldn't insurance be designed to help people, not entangle them in a nightmare of forms, procedures, and bureaucratic drivel in the hopes that they will give up trying to get anything done and your company can profit? And this is just Property and Casualty insurance. Health insurance companies are far worse, even criminal as far as I'm concerned.

I guess what I like least about insurance is the fact that it's one of those industries where, whenever you are engaging in business with one of its representatives, you have that sinking feeling that you are about to be/have already been ripped off. So you're always on guard. It's the same feeling you get from car salesmen, mortgage companies, mechanics, and to a lesser degree, Christmas Tree salesmen.

Should it really be like that? Do you really want to be expecting a company you pay money to in order to receive a specific service to be looking for any and every loophole possible to rip you off in the name of profits?

So that's my dilemma. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an exciting chapter on blanket coverages in a typical commercial property policy to peruse.

Your Own Private Holiday

I am currently pioneering an exciting new philosophy when it comes to Monday holidays (Labor Day, Memorial Day):

Take Wednesday off instead.

Think about it. What are the freeways like Friday evenings on 3-day weekends? How about the lakes? National Parks? Canyon roads? Camping sites? That's right - every other poor shmuck who finally gets a day off is trying to go to the exact same place you are. Shouldn't a vacation be relaxing? Isn't that the whole point?

So, going against the flow, I decided to work this Monday and take Wednesday off instead. Let me tell you something - I am a genius. Not only was the vacation fun and other-poor-shmuck-free, but working when there is no one else in the office was almost a vacation in itself. I wore shorts and flip-flops, turned the music up, downloaded a bunch of music that I probably wasn't supposed to - it was awesome.

So now, instead of having a four-day work week, it's been more like 3. 2 1/2 if you count leaving early on Tuesday.

Of course, this only works if you have the type of job where you have stuff to do even if the rest of the country isn't working.

Seriously, try it. Just don't let too many people know about it - then my own private holiday will be ruined. And I will fight you.