Going to Chicaaago

Hey everyone. We're going on a week vacation/work trip to Chicago tomorrow. That isn't the reason for my not blogging much lately though. That would be sheer laziness.

Anyways, 7 days, me and the wife, no baby, downtown Chicago, Cubs game on Tuesday, side trip to Michigan, fun, fun, fun. I'll do a couple posts if we get the chance. Peace out.

Uh-oh

As if to confirm yesterday's post, I log on to espn.com this morning to find this:

Donaghy: Refs Altered Playoff Games

Suddenly baseball's steroids scandal isn't looking so bad...

Lakers, Celts, and the Evil Puppet-Master

Let me first say that I'm loving these NBA Finals. Really. I'm completely psyched about them. I mean, a Lakers - Celtics match up. Feels like I'm a kid wearing pegged Guess jeans and watching Duck Tales all over again.

Lakers - Celtics. KG and Kobe. There's an excitement there that comes only rarely in sports, an excitement that comes with the knowledge that what you are watching is a special moment. The last time I felt this excitement?

McGuire and Sosa racing to beat Maris' home run record.

And we all know how that turned out. (If you don't, google 'McGuire and steroids')

And this is what scares me about Lakers - Celtics 2008. It's a little too similar to the McGuire and Sosa era. Was Lakers-Celts entirely fabricated too? Helped along, like McGuire's home runs, by some artificial outside power that has no place in sports?

Think about it. The NBA is coming off years of substandard Finals performances (Cavs, Pistons, Spurs, yikes) abominable officiating, image problems, the inequality of the conferences, and one of the worst scandals in league history (Tim Donaghey, who is only brought up now to bring up how he's not brought up anymore) and suddenly, inexplicably, the two marquee franchises who make up the biggest rivalry in sports get ridiculous trades that immediately make them serious contenders, thus redirecting the public's attention from the corruption and other problems while bringing in millions in revenue and reviving the league. No one finds that suspicious?

Let me clarify. I don't think the NBA rigged games to get these two in the Finals. I think they rigged trades. Or at least looked the other way when GM's with conflicting loyalties made astoundingly stupid trades.

How else do you explain the Lakers getting Gasol from Memphis for what they did? Or even the Celtics getting KG and Pierce? If you don't follow sports, these trades were like going to a car dealership to trade in your old Dodge Neon and coming out with a Lexus, $5,000, and tickets to the Superbowl. There's no way these trades pass in a fantasy league, yet the NBA is ok with them? Bill Simmons made a great point about this, saying that if the Spurs or Suns (or even the Jazz) had made such a trade there would have been rioting, but since it was the Lakers and Celts and it helps out the league (just like McGuire/Sosa chasing the Maris record was 'good for the league') we don't have a problem with it.

Messed up.

So that's my conspiracy theory for the day. Once the Finals are over we should look into it. But not until they're over, because this is just too good.

Got to give it to pro-wrestling. At least they'll admit their plotlines are contrived.

Weezer Pork and Beans

I like Weezer, I like parodies, and I like viral videos. Therefore, I love this video.

(Best part: the Chris McCandles hug)

The Best Thing that has Happened to me Today

So I'm doing my usual morning trudge through the day's resumes, eyes glazing over as I scan line after line of info like "Office Development Manager - Responsible for management of 15 person title insurance office" or, "Wal-Mart Associate - Oversaw stocking and distribution of diversity of breads" when, from out of nowhere, the following gem bursts forth causing me to rotflmao:

Experience:
2003-2007 _Oscar Mayer - Public Relations_

• Promote Oscar Mayer as goodwill ambassador throughout country in Wienermobile

That's right, this person spent the last 4 years promoting Oscar Mayer throughout the country as a goodwill ambassador in the Wienermobile.

Now, that's funny on a number of levels. First, the fact that Oscar Mayer actually pays people to drive around in a car shaped like a giant hot dog and speak to the public. Second, their attempt to dignify the practice by calling the people in those giant hot dogs "Goodwill Ambassadors", and third, the fact that this guy has successfully incorporated the word "Wienermobile" in a professional resume.

I love it.

And yes, this is the type of thing that qualifies as interesting at my job. So that gives you some idea of what my days are like.

Chuck Wagon and Stu Jackson

My favorite part of the quote to the right is the fact that Charles Barkley is criticizing fat people. Somehow he fails to see the irony in a 350-pound ex-athlete going off on "people who don't work out and can't stop eating". That's like Hillary Clinton criticizing someone for being a selfish, delusional prima donna. Ba-DOOM CHA!

(Sorry for offending any Hillary supporters out there. Though, of the four people who actually read my blog I can only see one person who may have been offended.)

And while we're on basketball - I must say I've had the rare sensation of actually being impressed with the NBA front office over the last two days. First they announce they will begin fining players for flopping next year (they'll make enough off of Manu Ginobli alone to finance the WNBA for another 4 years), then they come out today and actually admit that they blew the call at the end of the Lakers-Spurs game.

Wow. I'm speechless. It's as if David Stern and Stu Jackson sat down for a planning meeting a week ago and said, "You know, what if we did something that didn't alienate and disaffect our fans? I mean, I know our current strategy has been working well, but why not change things up a bit?"

If they keep this up, we may actually see the best 16 teams play in the playoffs someday. On second thought, nah.

An observation I had at work the other day that will, if nothing else, help you see how dull the office can be...

After going an entire lifetime and not coming across the name, I've had two people named "Ren" apply for jobs within the same week*.




*Cartoon Chihuahua's don't count. Because I know that's where Mister J, Sidwello, and possibly Sorro were going.

The Old Timers Club

Can I just say, despite a moderate level of excitement for the new Indiana Jones movie, I'm deeply sorry to see Harrison Ford join the ranks of Once Famous Action Superstar Trying to Resurrect a Franchise Despite Soggy Man Boobs (or OIFA, as they are known on the NYSE)

You know what I'm talking about: Arnold's offering was Terminator 3, Bruce Willis joined with Live Free or Die Hard, Stallone is the current president of OIFA with his shameless dredging up of both the Rocky AND Rambo franchises within a year of each other, and with Harrison Ford has now officially joined the club with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If Mel Gibson dons the leathers for another run at Mad Max, we may need to get Congress involved.

I had always hoped Ford would not go there. I mean, Sly I can see, but I always figured Ford had too much dignity for it. I also don't see what is left for Indiana Jones to do, since he is ostensibly immortal after finding the Holy Grail at the end of the last movie. How do you top that?

By centering the plot around an obscure artifact from a civilization most of the world isn't familiar with, apparently. Is it just me or is this a little too similar to "Temple of Doom"?

The thing is you tarnish your legacy when you do this. Like when Michael Jordan came back for the 3rd time to play with the Wizards. You just need to walk away. Showing up in less than the full glory we remember you in takes away from your mystique.

Tell you what, if I ever become an immensely famous action hero, I will refuse to play an action role once I'm over 50. You have my word on that.

Interview

So yesterday I interviewed a guy who I had once seen hypnotized at a hypnotist show during my college years.

Let me tell you - it's not easy to keep a straight face in an interview while memories of the candidate wafting his arms gently up and down like an octopus and addressing the crowd in an arcane alien dialect go through your mind. And I was almost able to.

Almost.

In Memorium: Jazz 07-08 Season

I was going to write a post about the Jazz's recent demise, but I felt my feelings about game six can best be expressed through Hiaku:

Rally from twelve down

Bricks of thunder shatter hope

Tears fall like Spring rain

Salt Lake Half-Marathon

I know, I don't blog much anymore. I'm doing some writing on the side again and I've noticed when I'm doing that I don't blog nearly as much.

Anyways, not a whole lot going on at the moment (at least nothing I can blog about). We're looking at selling our house, I've got about 15 different jobs to fill at work, the Jazz pulled a turd for the ages in game 5, and I'm so sick of hearing about the Democratic nomination I've momentarily banned the news media from my life. That's what's going on in my life.

How are you? Good? Good.

A couple weeks ago a buddy and I ran the Salt Lake Half-Marathon, which was actually a lot of fun despite a crippling case of morning diarrhea. I'll try to dig up a pic of that for you. In the meantime, here're some other pics.

I haven't been one for distance running and did it just to see what it'd be like and ended up liking it quite a bit. The race starts at Legacy Bridge up at the U, winds through Salt Lake nieghborhoods, then ends at Gateway.

If you look really close, right there at the back towards the middle, you will see a little dot next to another dot. That's me.

The guy who won it. That's not me, if you weren't sure.

Basically he ran 26 miles in the same amount of time it took me to run 13. I'm not upset though--his shoes are clearly better than mine.

A huge crowd gathered at Gateway for the finish.

Mom, Jim, me, crowd.

Me, the tot (we can't call Katie 'the baby' anymore, so now she's 'the tot'), and Bret. After the race we went and ate at Denny's. It was the best Moons Over My Hammy any human has ever consumed EVER.

With .003 percent of precincts reporting...

So the polls are closing right about now across Pennsylvania. In a few minutes all the news networks will begin their coverage, somehow stretching a 10 second statement of where the polls currently stand into a solid 7 hours of talking, speculating, and exhaustive bloviation.

Here's my prediction: Hillary by 8 points, another 2 months of gloom and despair for the deadlocked dems, and my disdain and disgust for the American political system reaching an all-time high.

Luckily there are the NBA playoffs, in my mind a far more exciting, productive, and yes, even taking referees working for the mob into account, honest contest. Here're my pics (Eastern D-League Teams not included):

LA in 6
NO in 7
PHO in 7
UT in 6 (I made this pick before games 1 and 2, so I gots to stick to it)

Boston out of the East.

Finals: Suns and Boston. Boston wins.

Breaking News...

I just made $20 for drinking a cup of Coke with fermented gummy bears in it.

Other than that it's been a pretty slow day at work.

The Dentist

I just got back from the dentist's office for a checkup and my teeth and gums have that healthy, pulsating, fresh feeling. The inflammation tells you your teeth are clean!

I think it's good to go to the dentist every once in a while. It reminds you of how good life is when someone isn't jamming a steel hook into one of the most sensitive areas of your body.

And speaking of double-standards, I love the one most physicians and dentists pull on you: If you are more than 15 minutes late your appointment will be cancelled and you will be charged a $75 fee.

Yeah, how many times do you find yourself actually meeting with the doctor or dentist within the first 15 minutes after your arrival? Don't you hang out in the waiting room for at least 30, trying to convince yourself to be interested in that 3 year-old copy of Field & Stream or Better Homes and Gardens? At my last doctor's appointment I waited an hour and a half before seeing the all powerful Oz. Yet if I had shown up 15 minutes late, I'd have deserved punishment.

So how can they make it up to you? I know it's unreasonable to expect them to pay you $75, but maybe they could cancel the co-pay, or at least let you play around with that cool metal water and air gun they have.

That's all I'm asking.

Showing up late for an interview

So if I send a job applicant to one of the managers and that applicant shows up late for their interview, that's major points docked off them right? I mean, you gotta be on time, be punctual, reliable. Such blatant disrespect for other people's time shows they aren't a responsible employee. Tardiness won't be accepted, Costanza, not in this organization!

This is the mindset of nearly all managers, VPs, and supervisors, and rightfully so. Which is why I am constantly amazed at how many of them show up late for their interviews (or even forget about them altogether). I'll arrange with them a time to meet with the finalist for the job they've asked me to fill, confirm that time with them, remind them of it, that candidate will drive for an hour and completely rearrange their schedule to be here, and then when I bring them up to their office I find it dark and empty. Just this morning I actually had to call a manager at home and remind her she had someone waiting to meet with her.

In other words, if you show up 10 minutes late for your interview it's evidence that you don't respect other people's time and lack professionalism. But if I show up 30 minutes late, it doesn't mean that.

This is one of the many management double standards I've noticed in the workplace. Some of the others are cell phone use, showing up late for meetings, and coming to work late/leaving early.

The Onion on Campaigning

I've given this a lot of thought, looked deep inside my heart and....YES. I do like The Onion more than the real news.

Thank you Cheeth for introducing it to me via the Jewish Elders Lift 6,000 Year Ham Ban article lo these many years ago

Mysterious Traveler Enters Town With Utopian Vision of the Future

Name Dropping

Quite a few people drop names in interviews, hoping to get an "in" because they know a member of the family that owns the company. And when that family is relatively large and has inhabited the area for over a hundred years, you get quite a few nephews of the founder's best friend or second-cousins on the mother's side hoping to cash in on their obscure relation to score some points with the HR guy.

But I just had by far the most random, obscure, entertaining one yet.

"My stepson's sister-in-law is the daughter of the sister of the CEO's wife."

I'm pretty sure that's what the connection was, anyways. It was kind of hard to follow. At any rate, it was the first time I've had someone try to make a claim to the company through their child, let alone a stepchild.

The best part was that he followed it with:

"So I don't know if that helps me out or not," and just left it hanging...

The whole name dropping thing is ridiculous, really. The best way to get a job, believe it or not, is to actually be qualified for it. Which this guy wasn't. Amazing how many people seem to miss that.

That's our Jazz...

"We're number one! Oh, unless we're playing against a really, really crappy team."

Gotta love the Jazz. They pull out wins against the toughest teams in the league (Dallas, Phoenix, Detroit, Denver)...then get blown out by the worst teams like the Clippers and Chicago. If you don't follow basketball, that's like America winning wars against China, Russia, terrorism, and drugs...then getting trounced by Ecuador.

Ok, I took a little liberty with that metaphor, but still...

The Jazz are so upredictable that I'm more worried to see bottom dwellers like the Knicks, Seattle, and Milwaukee coming up on their schedule than I am for the Lakers, Celts, and San Antonio. Here's hoping we don't play the Cavs if we make it to the Finals; they're crappy enough to absolutely wipe the floor with us.

Obama vs. Clinton

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/10/dems.campaign/index.html

Is there any way the Democratic nomination doesn't end in an absolute trainwreck? I mean, is there even the faintest possibility at this point that the Dems aren't headed for a disaster of epic proportions?

Between the Florida and Michigan debacle, the oligarchy that is the superdelegate system (you got to love the irony and abject hypocrisy of a political party who claims to champion the common people, yet bestows a select handful of their "elite" members with the power to override the collective will of those people), Bill and Hill willing to say or do anything it takes to win, the press having nothing better to talk about for the next 9 months, and a confusing, antiquated primary/caucus system, I don't see how the Dems come out of this without major egg on their face (or at least a black eye as big as the Straight Talk Express.)

Let me just say here that I am pulling for Obama. I expect Hill to win though. Not because it will be the will of the people or because she's the better candidate, but simply because the system isn't designed to comply with the will of the people or to choose the better candidate.

Which means by the time this whole fiasco is over with (should be sometime in August; please shoot me now) it will be Hillary vs. McCain. By that time all the independents and people who had hopes for the new type of politics embodied by Obama will be so disgusted with the system they will either go back to not caring about politics or vote for McCain. I plan on doing the latter.

So here's to Colonel Mustard/Veep Yet to be Named in 08!

This is fantastic

STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE


This is one of the best blogs I've seen in a long time. I heard about it on NPR (which, incidentally, is number 44 on the list). It's geared more towards the yuppie type, but is still very funny and insightful. I would recommend "Graduate School", "Japan", and "Threatening to move to Canada".

It's also very entertaining to read the responses of readers, many of whom don't quite grasp that it's satire. The man who writes the blog is in fact, white.