Government Bureaucracy at it's Best

Quick blurb - I went in to pay the aforementioned ticket for expired registration at the Hall of Justice yesterday. After passing through the metal detector and absorbing the fiery barb of the security officer's keen wit ("Oh, you have a Certificate of Achievement, huh?" he quips upon seeing my ticket, causing a lady of above-average girth next to him to chuckle in appreciation) I enter the cashier's office to do my penance. Then I see I sign that says: NO PAYMENTS ACCEPTED AFTER 4:00 PM.

It was 4:36.

So I say to the lady: "I'm here to pay this, but you don't accept anything after 4:00?"

To which she replies: "Yes. We can't take any payments after 4:00." Apparently seeing my disappointment, she quickly adds, "But if you can't wait until tomorrow, you can call in with a credit card number."

And this is where another gem of the peerless logic of Government Bureaucracy became evident. If I had had a cellphone on me I could have pulled it out right there, called the lady standing 2 feet in front of me, given her my credit card number, and make the payment. Yet it was completely impossible for her to take those numbers if I had handed the card to her. That would be against policy.

It's experiences like this that make me think Ron Paul's really on to something.

Skydiving, take 2

Ok, this time it's for realzies - Skydiving. Hurricane, Utah. Next weekend.

If I stop blogging, you can safely assume that I am dead.

I just peed my pants a little from excitement...again.

BUSTED

So I just got pulled over by a cop on my way back from lunch. Let me tell you something - there aren't many things more humiliating than getting pulled over a block away from your work WHILE RIDING A SCOOTER. Now that's an awkward 10 minutes.

Actually, wait - it would have been more humiliating if it had been a bike cop. Other than that, though, I don't know of many other things as humiliating.

It was for registration. It's been expired for 3 months now. I never thought they would actually check. I mean, I wear my helmet, for crying out loud. How often do you see a guy riding a 50cc scooter, wearing a tie and an enormous helmet (hardly anyone wears a helmet in Utah) and think, "I bet that guy is breaking a law of some sort"?

My initial reaction was shame, followed by disbelief, then a sort of simmering rage at how stupid it was. Why on earth should you have to register a 50cc scooter? You don't even need a license for it. It's practically a toy. And why should the registration cost as much as it does for a car? Come on, government - I'm trying to save the environment by using less gasoline, throw me a bone here. Then I thought how I should have quickly turned when I first saw the police car, and about how, if I had simply taken another route, I wouldn't have to pay this $40 ticket. After that came a myraid of ideas on how I could have gotten out of the ticket, or the dozens of ways I would have avoided this sad fate if I had just done something else.

But then I realized I should just get my scooter registered.

So I'm going to do that.

How's that for sticking it to THE MAN.

I Love October

Peace upon all of you, my blog-friends. Autumn is here and I am feeling especially contented with the world at the moment. I love autumn. Here's why:

• The leaves change color.
• Football once more graces our fine country with its presence like an exotic bird returning from its summer migration.
• Baseball finally becomes interesting. Despite my previous railing on how boring baseball can be, I will admit that there's nothing quite like a playoff baseball game (see last night's Rockies - Padres game).
• The Cubs are in the playoffs. Sure they won't be for more than 10 days, but still...
• The first trace of snow reaches the tops of the mountains, causing a thrill of exhillaration to surge through every true-skier.
• Those little candy pumpkins. Man I love those little candy pumpkins.
• The Office is back on. There're really only three things I turn the tv on for: Sports, General Conference, and The Office. And Seinfeld. And occasionally the Simpsons. 5 things.

Of course not everything about October is snow-frosted mountaintops and little candy pumpkins. A few less-desireable things happen:

• College students come back, making our street look like a valet-parking lot. It's amazing how fast I've gone from the rowdy college student staying up all night to the bitter man who hates the rowdy college students who stay up all night. That's a whole other post though.
• It gets dark. Early. There's just something unnatural and lame about leaving work at 5:30 and having to turn your headlights on during the drive home.
• No more flip-flops and shorts.

All in all, the good things far outweigh the bad things though. So it's good to have you here, October.

I'm trying to think of a costume for Halloween - give me a vote on the poll above.

Shalom, my friends.

Don't Taze Me Bro Remix

Normally I would consider a video like this in poor taste, but after finding out the background (the kid was hoping for some publicity) it suddenly becomes very funny instead.

BTW, if you don't know the background, just google "don't taze me bro".

Top Three Things to NOT Say in a Job Interview

So I just did an interview with a gentleman who gave one of the best responses I've ever heard to an interview question. And by "best" I don't mean that the answer was impressive or significantly raised his chances of being hired, but that it was entertaining for me to hear.

Here's the dialogue:

ME: "What would you consider your greatest weakness?"

INTERVIEWEE: (Thinks for a couple seconds before answering, a thoughtful look creasing his middle-aged brow)

"I annoy some people. I'm like sauerkraut - either you like me or you hate me."

Outstanding. So we should just think of you as...sauerkraut.

Anyways, this made me think of a mental list I've been keeping ever since starting this job, something I've been meaning to blog about but never have until this particular individual acted as catalyst: the Top Three Things that you Shouldn't Say in a Job Interview.

Keep in mind, to qualify for this list the statement had to actually have been said in an interview. Here we go:

Number 3 - Here's the background: A woman popped into my office to apply for an open position without an appointment. I had time, so I asked if she wanted to sit down and talk more about it. She agreed, but said she was on a quick break from work and only had about 10 minutes. I started the interview and when the 10 minutes was up asked when she could come back to complete a clerical test we give. Her answer:

INTERVIEWEE: "Oh, I can do that now."

ME: "Don't you have to get back to work?"

INTERVIEWEE: (Waves hand dismissively) "Pssh. No, I told my boss I had to take my daughter to the doctor. I've got plenty of time."

Wow. This one still amazes me. She gave TWO reasons not to hire her in just one statement

1. I habitually LIE to my employer


2. I am not INTELLIGENT ENOUGH to realize that I shouldn't tell YOU, a prospective employer, that I habitually lie to my employer

Three if you include: I have no qualms exploiting my position as mother to manipulate others. Either way, that's got to be a record of some sort.

Number 2 - This was in response to the same question as Sauerkraut Man, the trusty old "What do you consider your greatest weakness?" question:

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, I usually won't finish a task unless my boss is standing over my shoulder the entire time making me do it."

She said this. I'm not kidding - she seriously said this. Quick Tip: If you're the type of person who doesn't get things done at work, you want to look into fixing that. It will help your career tremendously.

This woman also qualified for reason-not-to-hire #2 on the first woman's example, the "If you're not smart enough to realize you shouldn't be telling me this, then we don't have a job for you" corollary.

Finally, the Number 1 thing you shouldn't say in an interview, which is still my favorite and initiated one of the most awkward moments of my life:

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, all my life I've had a fascination with dead bodies."

Now, I was about to write the background and the question that led to this particular statement, but is it necessary? I mean, is there ANY situation in a job interview where you should actually say "All my life I've had a fascination with dead bodies"? EVER? I suppose if the position is at a mortuary and involves the dressing/grooming of dead people, you're ok, but generally you're going to want to steer away from that one. I would've thought Career Services would have covered that one at the last job fair.

So there you go. Those are the top three things you should never say in an interview, which I've actually had people say. The fun thing about this list is that it's constantly changing. If anyone has other examples they would like to nominate for the list, I would love to hear them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an inexplicable craving for a bratwurst.

The Dentist

So I just went in to the dentist to get a cavity filled. At the point where they whip out the drill and you can actually smell your tooth burning, it made me think of Coach McGuirk getting Lasik.

RAINED OUT

So Saturday was the long-awaited Kokopelli Triathlon at Sand Hollow Resevoir. Southern Utah averages about 7 inches* of rain a year. I think we got all of it on Saturday.

They cancelled it. Big bummer. There were about 1000 racers there at 7:00 in the morning when the first wave was supposed to start. It was cloudy, but not bad at all. They started the first two waves, then just as mine got in the water and was about to start, they called off the swim.

Here's what I don't get - when it rains, the Race Directors will usually call off the swim, but still do the run and the bike. Why is that? I mean, it's raining. It's the swim. They're both water, right? The only explanation I can think of is lighting, but wouldn't a horde of people riding large, metallic machines in an enormously long line be more likely to attact lightning than those same people swimming in rubber suits? Is there a Mr. Wizard out there who can explain this?

Anyways, at first they just called the swim, making it a run-bike-run, but within a minute or two it got so bad they called the entire thing off. It was a good call too. I don't think the small rural town next door has enough ambulances to accomodate everyone who would have wiped-out on their bikes.

So that's it for triathlon this year. Kokopelli was the last one, and it was a rain-out. Kind of a bummer, but I feel far worse for the people who flew in or for whom it was their first tri. We just drove home and rented a movie. Then I ate cookies. I also feel bad for the race director, who gets to tell 1000 people that something they've planned on for months and invested considerable time and money has been cancelled.

In related news, I'm doing the Salt Lake Marathon in April. Giddyup.

_

* I didn't want to take the time and actually check an almanac, so this figure is completely made up. You'll find the joke works no matter what number you put in there though. Seriously. Try it.

Another One

This one is even better. See the post below for an explanation.

And yes, I know it is very un-American for me to rip on baseball in favor of soccer.

Baseball is far more boring than Soccer

So I'm getting more and more into soccer, or "football" as the rest of the world fittingly calls it. The biggest gripe most Americans seem to have against it is that no one ever scores, which in turn makes it boring. I disagree. At least there is constant action in soccer. You know what doesn't have constant action? Baseball.

Seriously, have you ever paid attention to what actually goes on in baseball? There's a pitch...80% of the time the ball doesn't touch the bat...there's a 30 second delay...they show a shot of the manager in the dugout...a kid eating a hot dog in the stands...the pitcher comes back onto the mound...he prepares for the next pitch...the batter steps out of the box...adjusts his helmet...spits...slowly comes back into the box, holding his hand back to the umpire until he can get completely settled in...another pitch...Ball...outside...one announcer regales the other with an account of his visit to a steak house the last time he was in Philidelphia for a Phillies game...shot of a kid with a big styrofoam finger not paying any attention to the game...another pitch...foul...count is 1-1...

...and then you seriously wonder whether you're happy with your life.

Doesn't that adequately sum up the experience of watching a baseball game? Did I leave anything out? Maybe the two-dozen shots of the Goodyear Blimp? Maybe 8% of baseball involves someone actually engaged in some sort of physical activity. And that goes down to 3% if you don't count spitting, crotch-grabbing, or the annoying between-pitch habits each player has.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of baseball. Played Little League my entire childhood. You just have to admit it is a dull, slow-moving sport.

Go Cubs.

Michael Moore vs. Humana

The previous post on insurance made me think of this video.

While I'm not necessarily a fan of Michael Moore, I applaud anyone who's actually doing something about the reprehensible state of the current system. And he seems to be doing more on that front than anyone else lately.

My Dilemma

Everyday I labor under a dilemma. Though I love the company and the people I work for, I don't especially care for the industry we're in. In fact, I abhor it.

Insurance.

Is there a more vile, dull industry out there?

Now I'll be the first one to admit that insurance provides a valuable service to society (even the Egyptians had a type of insurance program). I'll also admit that my specific personality type makes me unfairly biased against it (to me banking, securities, taxes, insurance and the like are boorish, intellectually unprofitable pursuits). But these two concessions notwithstanding, I still can't help but regard the entire industry as a colossal bureaucratic wasteland whose original function has long since been forgotten in the name of greed and profits.

And that's not even including health insurance companies.

Have you ever actually read your homeowner's policy in its entirety? Your auto policy? A business policy? Here are some fun tidbits you might not be aware of:

• Say a windstorm picks up and blows over a tree in your backyard, causing it to crash into your house for $15,000 in damage. Your insurance company will not cover this. On the other hand, if a gang of vagabonds come by one night in a pick-up truck and steal your tree, that IS covered.


• If you own a business and park a boat in your empty parking lot behind your building, then a telephone pole falls over and completely demolishes that boat, it is NOT covered under your policy. Yet if a complete stranger parks his boat in your parking lot and the same thing happens, it IS covered. Under YOUR policy.


• Taking the prior example a step further: If YOU park your boat in some poor shmoe's parking lot and a telephone pole falls on it and the boat is 26 feet and 3 inches long, it is NOT covered. But if said boat is 25 feet and 11 inches long, it IS covered. If it is 25 feet, 11 inches long, and says "Big Frank's Fish, Chips, and Harbor Tours" in blue writing on the side, it is NOT covered.


• Assume you have a different Named Insured who has a BAP (Business Auto Policy) in which endorsement Symbol 3 (Owned Private Passenger Autos) is used to trigger liability, comprehensive, and collision coverage. If the insured acquires a panel truck, there is no automatic coverage because the panel truck does not qualify as a private passenger auto, unless specifically endorsed by using the QW30 Inland/Marine Additional Coverage form, (or, for clients located in California, Oklahoma, and some parts of Canada, the Accord 10W390 Umbrella Endorsement Document).

Ok, that last once wasn't about your auto or homeowner's policy. I just threw it in there to give you a feel for all the crap I have to study.

Can you believe this stuff? And these were just the examples that quickly came to mind, which are pretty tame compared to some of the other outlandish contradictions of common sense I've come across in the 3 years I've worked for the Man.

I mean, is learning this kind of information really what anyone should want to do with their life? How does it help anyone? Shouldn't insurance be designed to help people, not entangle them in a nightmare of forms, procedures, and bureaucratic drivel in the hopes that they will give up trying to get anything done and your company can profit? And this is just Property and Casualty insurance. Health insurance companies are far worse, even criminal as far as I'm concerned.

I guess what I like least about insurance is the fact that it's one of those industries where, whenever you are engaging in business with one of its representatives, you have that sinking feeling that you are about to be/have already been ripped off. So you're always on guard. It's the same feeling you get from car salesmen, mortgage companies, mechanics, and to a lesser degree, Christmas Tree salesmen.

Should it really be like that? Do you really want to be expecting a company you pay money to in order to receive a specific service to be looking for any and every loophole possible to rip you off in the name of profits?

So that's my dilemma. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an exciting chapter on blanket coverages in a typical commercial property policy to peruse.

Your Own Private Holiday

I am currently pioneering an exciting new philosophy when it comes to Monday holidays (Labor Day, Memorial Day):

Take Wednesday off instead.

Think about it. What are the freeways like Friday evenings on 3-day weekends? How about the lakes? National Parks? Canyon roads? Camping sites? That's right - every other poor shmuck who finally gets a day off is trying to go to the exact same place you are. Shouldn't a vacation be relaxing? Isn't that the whole point?

So, going against the flow, I decided to work this Monday and take Wednesday off instead. Let me tell you something - I am a genius. Not only was the vacation fun and other-poor-shmuck-free, but working when there is no one else in the office was almost a vacation in itself. I wore shorts and flip-flops, turned the music up, downloaded a bunch of music that I probably wasn't supposed to - it was awesome.

So now, instead of having a four-day work week, it's been more like 3. 2 1/2 if you count leaving early on Tuesday.

Of course, this only works if you have the type of job where you have stuff to do even if the rest of the country isn't working.

Seriously, try it. Just don't let too many people know about it - then my own private holiday will be ruined. And I will fight you.

XTERRA

Holy schnikies. I forgot how hard this race is. I'm not dead, which is good, but I'm as close as I've been since...well...LAST YEAR'S XTerra.


This year the water was warm enough to go without the wetsuit. I decided to go for it, as I don't especially enjoy wearing the bat-suit if I'm not fighting crime.

The crazy thing about XTerra is that it's the same distance as every other tri I've done. The only difference is that distance is ALL UPHILL. SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF SADIST DESIGNED THIS COURSE!?! IT JUST KEEPS GOING UP AND UP!! Once your limp, battered body falls off the bike at T2 you find comfort in the fact that now all you have to do is a simple, relaxing 5K - BUT NO!!! IT'S UPHILL TOO! I HATE XTERRA! I #%@!& HATE IT!!!

Sorry about that. Just had a relapse of the bike ride.

No, XTerra was fun. Just to give you an idea of how hard this course is, the bike portion takes about 1:45. That's 20 minutes longer than the entire Bear Lake and Salem tris took me. Needless to say, I underestimated the course and it kicked my butt again, humbling me and making me see I'm not in as good of shape as I thought. I didn't puke and I finished with a decent time, but I'm still a little disappointed. Oh well - still good times.

Amy is great at taking candid, random shots of interesting people wherever we go; the type of people you look at and your mind automatically comes up with an entire backstory for. For example - this is Bosco. When not doing triathlon, Bosco enjoys whaling and flying his red WWI biplane, which has an Iron Cross and the handle "The Baron" on the side. Bosco is a fierce competitor, but someone you can relax and enjoy a mug of ale with at the local tavern once the race is over.

A pre-race shot, when I'm not yet covered with dirt and rank man-sweat and my wife and daughter don't recoil in disgust when I try to kiss them.

The fam. My brother Gid came out for this one, which was fun. I have no idea what we were talking about when this picture was taken.

Katie on the beach, take 3.

Me after the race. I've realized that all the tri pics I have are either before or after the race, which don't really convey the experience. Maybe I can get a helmet-cam going.

Having gotten sick last time I didn't get to experience everything that goes on during the bike ride. It is HARD CORE. People crashing, arguing, immobilized by exhaustion, passing and getting passed on a perilous, single-track trail. It also rained on us, making the rocks even slippier and more dangerous. I passed one racer just in front of a bridge who had a large gash in his forehead and blood running down his face, looking like like grim Death himself.

All in all XTerra was a lot of fun and I'm glad I did it again. Really I just wanted to prove to myself that I could. I do like the mountain bike portion of it - there's a thrill of danger and adreniline at each downhill portion that you don't get on a road bike.

I'm not sure if I'll do it again next year. While the challenge draws you in, it just gets too crowded at parts (in the swim and the bike). I prefer expending my energy in a triathlon doing the actual event, not worrying about having to pass or get passed during the bike or dodging other swimmers. Great location though.

Tri's

After trying and liking them last year, I've continued doing triathlon this summer as well. There have been 3 so far: the St. George Tri in May, Salem Springs in June, (best tri website I've seen), and the Bear Lake Brawl, also in June.


Here are some pickies, starting with the St. George Tri:


I love this course. It's actually in Hurricane, not St. George. I guess they changed it because St. George Tri is more impressive than Hurricane tri, just as the skydiving outpost we're going to calls themselves Skydive Zion instead of Skydive Hurricane. Can't say that I blame them.


Poor Hurricane. The red-headed stepchild of obscure, Southern Utah towns.

Anyways, it's kind of a special place for me. The first tri I ever did was here, back when I didn't know if I could do one without dying, and some of the feeling of triumph I got from that first victory still pervades the place today. On top of that, it's a beautiful course set in a man-made reservoir in the middle of a red, rocky desert. Very picturesque. Almost like a mini Lake-Powell. But without all the urine and house-boat sludge in the water.





The course has with an absurdly long, steep hill I call "The Beast". It's also the earliest Utah triathlon, so something like 1,400 people come down to participate.



Even though it's only May, and even though it's only about 10:00 by the time you get to the run, right around the 2nd mile it gets so hot (most of the course is on the sandy desert where the sun reflects off the red sand) that you wonder why you were ever stupid enough to do this tri in the first place.

The obligatory Katie-being-cute photo. I don't know who she's waving to - all that was over there was a wide, empty lake. Unless she's seeing the leprechaun again...

Next up, Salem Springs.

This may be my favorite tri location so far. Despite the fact that I grew up about 15 minutes away, I had no idea this place (Salem) existed, nor that it was so cool. Seriously, I'm thinking of retiring out here.

Anyways, the half-mile swim is in a large pond in a park redolent of the wonderful parks we saw in London. The 12 mile bike ride and the 3 mile run is through the surrounding neighborhoods, which are relatively hill-free. The Salem has been going for 6 years now and is increasing in popularity, though still small enough to not feel overcrowded like the St. George tri.

Pre-race action shot.

So about 20 minutes before the race I was pumping up my bike tire when I heard the one sound every triathlete dreads.

PPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And it wasn't just, pppppssssshhhh, like a small leak or something. It was an all out, 'there-is-now-more-air-in-the-dark-reaches-of-space-than-there-is-in-your-tire' kind of PFSH. The entire nozzle had blown out.

I was pretty bummed. 20 minutes wasn't enough time to get an entirely new tube, and I didn't bring one to begin with. I had just resolved myself to a DNF when a helpful fellow racer came up and told me a vendor was selling them just up the hill. Long story short, I was able to buy a new tube, pump up my tire, and finish race prep just in time to start. It was awesome. Thank you random triathlete-man.

A lot of tris have free massages at the end. You just have to wait in a long line. This time I decided to do it and found it was definitely worth it.

They also had a chiropractor there. It was my first time for that too. It would take very little for someone to convince me that he was legitimately trying to break my neck.

We met our good friends the Bod's there. Here are said Bod's.

Now for Bear Lake.

The Bear Lake Brawl was pretty fun. By far the smallest tri I've done. I'm used to having to show up 2 hours before they start to get set up because of the crowds. This one had less than 200 racers, so I could have shown up 20 minutes before and been all right.

The fun thing about Bear Lake is that it's super shallow. They started the swim a good 50 yards into the lake, but my entire torso was still out of the water. For the entire first leg of the swim you could actually walk on the lake bottom (and quite a few people did), the first time I've ever seen anything like that.

The fam came out for this one. Including the dog.

Here I am in my wetsuit, or "the Batsuit" as I like to call it. These things are uncomfortable. Though not as uncomfortable as hypothermia would be, I'm sure.

Mom and baby on the beach.

Baby being all cute on the beach, again. Not sure what she's looking at. Again.

So that's my tri update. I've got two more left this year: the Kokopelli in September, and the XTerra Mountain Sport in Ogden this weekend. Long-time readers of Blog o' Mickel (both of you) may remember XTerra as the tri in which I expelled electric-blue vomit all over the bike course last year.

That's right - I'm doing it again. Wish me luck.

A few more...

Here are a few more pics that didn't make it into the trip posting. I thought they deserved to...

This is my father-in-law gazing victoriously off into the distance after dominating my nephew Connor in a round of Death Match kiddie-pool wrestling. At least I think that's what happened.

This was a little boy at Raging Waters who kept crawling into the middle of this tube to make the baby laugh. This kind of thing happens all the time. Should I be alarmed that boys are already showing off for my daughter?

The women of the Pattberg clan embarking on their favorite pasttime: Yard Sale-ing. I'm serious, they'll spend nearly an entire Saturday doing it. While I'm not adverse to the occasional yard sale, my overall feeling for the experience is summed up quite nicely by this Strong Bad E-mail.

Presidential Debates

You know what would be awesome? If the presidential debates were some sort of forum where the candidates engaged in candid, intelligent discussion regarding their stances on the issues that face America today.

Oh well. I guess we'll have to settle for the current format.

By the way, I've been watching more of Ron Paul and I have to say I'm definitely intrigued by the man. He does have some novel, interesting ideas. Too bad there's no way he'll get the nomination.

Man I hate politics.

It's official...

We're going skydiving. September 1st, Hurricane, Utah. Anybody who wants to come is welcome.

I think I just peed my pants a little from excitement.

Cubs win! Cubs win!

Terrific news, everyone. The Cubs are currently in first place in the NL Central. I have to celebrate this while I can, because it probably won't last for long. In fact, this post could very well become obsolete by the end of the day.




While we're talking Cubs, here's a nice wallpaper I found on the Bartman incident. If you're not sure what the Bartman incident is, google "Steve Bartman" or "Bartman Ball". Wikipedia probably has something too.

And of course, what Cubs blogpost would be complete without a link to one of Will Ferrell's Harry Caray clips: Space: the Infinite Frontier. MisterJ also does an excellent Harry Caray impression.

Best line: "It's a simple question, doctor. Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?"

Reason #8 Why it's Better to be a Man Than a Woman

UNASHAMED NUDITY.

So the wife and I went swimming the other day and the conversation steered towards the community shower in the men's locker room (a.k.a. the "Tree of Life" in Utah circles). In just about every men's locker room at every large college, rec. center, swimming pool I've been to they've had this. While it took a little while to get used to at first (teenage years), it hasn't really bothered me since and I now willingly go starkers without a second thought.

She, however, was shocked to find out that men all shower in the same room.

I, on the other hand, was shocked to find out that the women don't.

No, they have their own little stalls where they can shower in absolute privacy, away from the prying eyes of other women.

Men don't have this problem. The other day I was in said community shower with the CEO of my company. We talked business just like we would have if we were in his office. And it wasn't awkward at all. In fact, you can pass a flabby, wrinkly, naked old-man with hairy moles in the locker room with nothing more than a "hey, how's it going?" and it's not weird at all.

Another example: My wife had a best friend in college. They were very close. They lived together, in the same room, for over a year. Every time they changed clothes they would lock themselves in the bathroom. Around the same time I moved in with this best friend's fiance. I think it was about two days before we started mooning each other on a regular basis.

I don't get it. Why are women like this? Aren't they supposed to be the more caring, compassionate gender? Shouldn't they feel comfortable with their bodies around other women if it's MEN who are judgemental and only care about looks, as so many women claim?

This only goes to further my theory that women don't dress up, put on make up, color their hair, artificially enlarge their breasts, or do the dozen other ridiculous things they do to look good for men. They do it for OTHER WOMEN. For the most part, anyway.

Me, I'll willingly moon just about anyone in the right situation and not feel in the least bit ashamed of my hairy wassum.

And that's why it's better to be a man.