Resume Foibles, Part Deux

This one just came in:

References:

Sam Hopkins
Personal Reference
702-983-7763

Debbie New-Last-Name
Academic Reference
202-I-(heart)-DANCING

Name of Boss
Professional Reference
353-888-PHYSICS


Those were the references this individual sent in*. The second reference is apparently a Ms. Debbie New-Last-Name, and her phone number actually has the heart symbol in it (I couldn't get a heart symbol on Blogger.com to show you, but it's there in the resume). How do you dial heart symbol?

Then the last reference is "Name of Boss".

This is spectacular.

Now it's obvious that this individual used some sort of template for the resume, didn't know certain information, planned on coming back once he/she found out (i.e. the dance instructor's married name), and simply forgot. I can't help but think, though - if you don't remember your previous boss' name, do you really want to use them as a reference?

This is why you really should proofread your resume. Becaue you don't want a potential employer to "think of you as a work-alcoholic" who is also "a rabid typist" with a reference named "Name of Boss". You just don't.



*Obviously I've replaced names and the numbers in the phone numbers. Though by all means, call 202-I-Heart-Dancing and see what you get. I believe it is in the D.C. area, they have a wide selection of costumes and there are frequent Kevin Bacon/Mario Lopez sightings.

Resume Foibles

A big part of my job is going through resumes. I went through about 60 resumes yesterday and about 40 today. You know how your mind tends to shift into a hypnotic doze when you're driving along the freeway for hours at a time, snapping out only when something strange goes wizzing by, like a car crash or someone mooning you? Well, going through resumes is a bit like that: extended periods of languid stupor, broken up every now and then by the occasional oddity.

So here you go. The following are the metaphoric car crashes and drive-by moonings I've encountered in my journey down the Resume Highway:


Qualifications:

Dependable, Punctual, and Very Hard-Working. In fact, many people consider me to be a work-alcoholic.

Sorry, we're happy with our current work-alcoholic.


hello how are u? i am a people person. i love to smile,and greet everyone.i truly love people, and would like a chance to learn the business and grow in this business.i will be looking forward to hearing from you soon.

I'm not kidding, that's the actual resume someone sent me. Not the cover letter, but the resume. I'm just glad she had the time to text it in from the back of her friend's Jetta on the way to the Hannah Montana concert.


Attributes:

I am very techno-savvy.

Oh good, because we've just had an opening in the Accounting/Depeche Mode-Related Marketing Department.


Experiance

Unfortunatly I dont have any real experiance with this. Other than work I have done for school, and the bussnise cards I created for Hansen Electric.

That was also in a resume under the 'Work Experience' section. Though at least he admitted he didn't have experience; most people wait until the interview to let that out. There's a reason we have spell check though.


And my personal favorite (which happens on a surprising amount of resumes):

I am a very dependable, responsible, and hard-working person.

Then they go on to list the 14 jobs they have had in the last 6 years and tell you the reason they left each one was "office politics".


And some I've never come across personally, but apparently other recruiters have:

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.

I am very debail oriented.

Those "Getting to Know You" Lists

So I've gotten a few of those "Get to know you" lists lately. I've got no problem with these lists, I just think they could ask more interesting questions. This made me think, "why don't I come up with my own list?" So I did.

Here are 15 questions I came up with off the top of my head that I feel constitute a more interesting "Get to know you" list. I'll answer them this afternoon. You should too. And then send them to me.

UPDATE: Put my answers in. For the third time.


When is the last time you vomited, and what is your longest no-puke streak?

Maybe 4 months ago. Didn't properly reheat some food. Still can't think about sausage gumbo without shuddering. Oohh, just did it again. Longest streak is only about 4 years, which pales in comparison to many I've heard. Please everyone, put me in my place.


If you could punch one celebrity in the face with no repercussions, who would it be?

Shia Le'Beouf

Who would win in a fight and why: Michelle Obama or Richard Simmons, if Richard Simmons was sufficiently riled up and armed with a machete and three road flares?

I'm going with Obama. She would charge Mr. Simmons, who would get a good whack or two in before getting thrown to the ground. Obama would overpower him and forego the dropped machete to strangle him with her bare hands. I don't see Simmons making proper use of the flares (i.e. attempting to burn Obama's eyes out), and had probably tried throwing them at her (unlit) during her charge. Obama: two or three major cuts on her arm, a deep scratch on her right cheek, Simmons: dead.

Now that I think of it, this still isn't a very fair fight, even with the machete. Better give Simmons a trained puma as well. Or a lemur.


What is one thing you wouldn’t confess to your parents, yet have no problem letting thousands of faceless strangers and partial acquaintances on the internet know?

After my mission I met a girl and left college for about 4 months to live in Puerto Rico.


How many times have you used cell-phone issues (bad reception, no minutes, low battery, etc.) as an excuse, when in reality you just didn’t want to talk to the person?

None. Though I've done it with other phones.


On your way home from work you stop by the local automated car wash. After the sudsy scrub, wash, and wax phases the giant blue drying curtains pull back and you emerge, not out of the other side of the car wash, but into Disneyland. Do you: A) pause to investigate this astonishing aberration of reason and dimensional physics, or B) get in line for Space Mountain.

A, but on the way to B.


Are you filling this out at work?

Yes. In fact, I wrote all the questions at work too.


If yes, how much time would it actually take you to finish your average day’s work if you were allowed to go home as soon as you were done?

4 hours. Tops.


You find an uneaten éclair at the top of the garbage bin, virtually untouched by the filth around it. No one is around. You are hungry and it looks very good. Do you eat it?

Yes. In fact, I probably would even if someone was around. That's the way I roll.


Have you ever flipped someone off while driving?

I don't think so, though I have mooned a few people. Once while going 85 mph.


It’s just a typical day. You get into your car to head to work. As you reach for your seat belt, you are astonished to find that, in addition to a kickin’ set of mirror dice, your car has also been fitted with a flux capacitor and a time-date coordinate computer. As you hit 88 mph you find yourself in the neighborhood you grew up in and your 12 year-old self is standing next to the car. What 2 pieces of advice do you give your 12 year-old self that could potentially change the course of your life (before taking off for 2020 to stand in line for the latest, almost-operable iPhone)?

1- If you want to be happy, think of others more than yourself,
2- Invest in Microsoft. And later Apple.


If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or having Mad Cow disease, which would you choose?

Top scientist.

Oh good, I was worried you’d pick the Mad Cow.

Me too.


List 2 things you know you should do but you’ve managed to convince yourself you’re too busy to do them:

1. Keeping up on my Japanese.
2. Hometeaching.


What is the last all-out lie you've told?

The answer to number 4.

As you sit in Bahama Breeze restaurant contemplating the great truths of the universe, you suddenly realize that the coconut shrimp appetizer in front of you is actually a metaphor for your life; the way the different strands of the basket holding the shrimp weave in and out, interlocking with one another like the different friends that have come in and out of your life, how each individual shrimp represents a different period of your childhood and adolescence—some bigger, tastier, and more desirable, others harder, crustier, yet every bit as important in your growth and in making you who you are today, how the contrasting flavors of the pineapple and cocktail dipping sauces symbolize the contrasting personalities and parental styles of your mother and father, who have left distinct, indelible marks on your psyche just as the sweet, delicate taste of pineapple and the bold, robust flavor of tomato and horseradish leave distinct, lingering marks on one's tongue...then the waitress comes and snaps you out of your reverie.

Do you order the Beef Kabobs, Mahi-Mahi, or Surf and Turf?

Surf and Turf.

I was being facetious, part II

A while ago I wrote about how I tend to say ridiculous things jokingly, only people don't always realize I'm joking. I even gave a few examples.

Well, today I unwittingly called the CEO a fascist dictator in front of the entire company.

That one's going to be hard to beat.

Wipeout update

Well, discrimination is alive and well in this country. After looking into being on Wipeout I found out you have to be a resident of California.

And I thought we had come so far as a society...

Oh well. Jen, I'm pulling for you and your hubby to get on it, if only so I can live vicariously through you.

That Wipeout Show

My new goal in life is to be on this show. I don't care about the money. I just want to do all the fun stuff.

Chicago / Minnesota Trip

Chicago was awesome. As was Minnesota. You know what isn't awesome? Going back to work after a week of awesome. Oh well. Here're a few pickies.

Me, wife, city.

We loved Chicago. We had a great hotel about a block from Lake Michigan and right in the middle of the shopping and entertainment district. I went for a Society of Human Resource Management conference so I was gone for a good part of the three days we were there, but we still got out and saw quite a bit.

The conference was at the McCormick Place. This is a picture of the carpet in the McCormick Place. Let me show you pictures of the carpet in two other convention centers I've visited recently and see if you have the same question come to your mind that I had:



The Las Vegas Convention Center...


And the Salt Palace in Salt Lake City.

Did you get it? Are you asking: Why do they decide to build a facility that costs hundreds of millions of dollars (a billion in the case of McCormick Place) then put the ugliest carpet imaginable in there? Really, what's with this? Is there some unwritten rule, some clandestine agreement (or competition even) between cities as to who can get the ugliest carpet in their convention centers? Maybe in the 70's or 80's this would have been justifiable, but that picture of the Salt Palace is of a current remodeling. In other words, they're putting that vomit down ON PURPOSE.

Now I'm no interior designer, but here are five color recommendations just off the top of my head that I am positive would have been better:

1. Blue
2. Green
3. Tan
4. Gray
5. Chartuse

Also, Batman Symbol.

Ok, enough about carpet. I'm here to talk about Chicaaaago. Here's Amy at the beach just a couple blocks from the hotel. They have an awesome boardwalk that stretches for about 12 miles up and down Lake Michigan's coast. It's a cool beach: sand and immense body of water on one side, skyscrapers and cityscape on the other.

Different beach, different day.

This is the Shedd Aquarium, a huge place right on the lake that numerous people told us we had to go see. It didn't disappoint. The beluga whale did, however, as it didn't body slam one seal the whole time we were there. Shamu is shaking his giant, shiny head.

Um...I'm not sure how to explain this picture. They have a statue in front of the aquarium called Man and Fish. It depicts a man either holding, hugging, or slow dancing with a fish. I did what I thought was appropriate.

Best part of the Chicago trip? CUBS GAME. Here's me in the obligatory Yourself-in-Front-of-the-Wrigley-Field-Sign shot.

I'm going to see if I can't photoshop it to say "Save Ferris" instead of "Join past and present Cubs players at blah blah blah".



The game was awesome. I've been a Cubs fan since I was about 11, when I got my first Donruss 88 Rated Rookie Mark Grace baseball card (and before I knew their tortured past/present/likely future), so coming here was a great experience. Really, the history, the fans, the building itself (second oldest park in the Major League, just after Fenway) made it one of the greatest sports experiences of my life.

This is a vid of the seventh inning stretch where everyone sings "Take Me Out to the Ball-Game". My only regret is that there wasn't an irrascible, mildly inebriated Harry Caray there to lead it.



This is a 3-run homerun in the bottom of the seventh. I can't remember who hit it. The Cubs were down 7-1 just before this, but rallied back to 7-5. Then they blew a bases-loaded, no out bottom of the ninth at the top of their order to lose the game. Oh well. It was still awesome.

And can I just say, Cubs fans are amazing. Makes even the rabid Jazz fans at the Delta Center fans (that's right, I refuse to call it the ESA) seem languid by comparison. Though I'm sure the fact that 4 out of 5 people there are plastered has something to do with that.

Post game when you can sit in the rich people seats. After this game the Cubs went on a 6-game losing streak after having the best record in baseball. Part of me is convinced that I somehow jinxed them.

From Chicago we took a two-day jaunt over to Minneapolis to see Amy's brother Dave and his wife Alli. They were nice enough to endure the usual tourist destinations for us. One of which was...

SPACE ALIENS. That's right, Space Aliens, the best Alien-themed bar and grill this side of the currently overflowing Mississippi. Now, you're probably thinking that an Alien-themed bar and grill filled with ticket-redemption arcade games is weird and a little quirky. And you're right. That was what was so fun about it. Good food too.


Look at the little guy. All tuckered out.

Remember hearing about a large, metropolitan bridge spontaneously collapsing for no apparent reason and killing people a while back? This is the portion of freeway parallel to that bridge, the part that didn't collapse. Not a great pic, but see that big space where the river shows through? That should be a road.

I didn't know this, but my wife is a Dart Shark. Sure, she acts like she doesn't know what she's doing; will even bounce a few darts off the monitor and the walls to create the illusion of novice-ness, but truthfully? She's a killer. I think we played 5 games and she won 4 of them, including an astonishing 13, 18, and bulls-eye set to clear the rest of us out in 301.


Of all the tense moments of the trip: walking through Chicago around midnight, the taxi cab that slammed into the back of a minivan not 10 feet away from us the day before, the Cubs dropping a bases-loaded, no-out bottom of the ninth to the Orioles -- this was actually the scariest.

This is me in a stall in the men's restroom of the Minneapolis Airport. Just as I realized where I was, I saw a man's black, wing-tipped dress shoe in the stall next to me. I'm not kidding, I was legitimately scared. Not so scared I couldn't get a pic for my loyal blog-readers though.

If you don't know why this would be scary, google United States Senator, bathroom, and Minneapolis Airport. Or just click on the link.

The aforementioned Dave and Alli with their kids Adam and Emily.

Lest you think the only sights in Minneapolis have to do with Alien-themed restaurants, our nation's crumbling infrastructure, or the sordid sexual habits of our noble politicians, I am adding this short vid of the neighborhood we stayed in. Minnesota was great. Very open, very green, very fun place. Definitely on our short list of Places We'd Like To Live. It was also great to see Dave and Alli, who are fun to hang out with.

Next trip? Possibly San Francisco in October. It's easier to get through the monotony of office life if I know there's a trip coming up. In the mean time I think Sorro should start putting together a "Convention Center Carpets Across the World" collage to test my theory, as he is the best-traveled person I know.

I'm not at all ashamed to admit this

In the midst of an inexplicable and unprecedented wave of 90's music nostalgia (while at work nonetheless; I have no idea where it came from) I downloaded that old PM Dawn song Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, have listened to it over 20 times and am STILL not sick of it.

Which is more than I can say for C+C Music Factory's Gonna Make You Sweat.

The results are in...

And it's NOT twins.

I have to say, though I was excited at the possiblity of twins, I exhaled in relief upon seeing just one baby in there, a baby whose gender is still unknown (We'll find out in two weeks). I'm pulling for a boy.

Ja ne.

???

We're back from the Chicago trip. I'll get some pics up in a little bit. In the mean time there is an interesting, potentially life-altering development: We just got back from a doctor's appointment and she wants us to come in for an early ultrasound because apparently "we're measuring big".


Which means we may be having twins.

Which means the carefree, relatively simple life I have known as the father of only one kid may come to an end.

We'll find out in the morning.

Oh yeah, and we're pregnant again. Don't know if I mentioned that.