Office Pranks

The Stapler in the Jelly bit from The Office, UK version

That last post got me thinking about the various pranks I've done/seen/had done to me since my birth into the corporate world. I think office pranks play a very important role in the life of an office worker. They are an outlet, a lifeline, the one way you can rise above the deadening stupor of cubicles, e-mails, and spreadsheets and retain some measure of sanity and humanity.

So here is a list of the best pranks I've seen in the four years since I've been Officed:

Remote Flatulence

My first assistant (not your bro, Cheeth, but his predecessor) had glorious stories of pranks he pulled at his previous job, pranks involving trip wires, buckets of water, and an automatic tennis ball shooting machine. He also had a remote controlled farting device. If you haven't seen one of these, it's a small, flat speaker about the size of your hand with a remote as big as a car alarm keychain. Pretty simple: you press the button and the speaker emitted an incredibly realistic and loud fluffy ("a real Bronx cheer!").

So we hid said device in various offices around the building, hid around the corner, then set it off whenever someone walked by. I'm giddy just thinking about the laughs we had. We soon found the best way to hide it was to remove the upholstery on the underside of the chair (not that hard, you just pull out the staples, stick that little beauty in there, then put them back in with no permanent damage). The funniest part of this period was when we hid it under the intern director (and son-in-law of the CEO's) chair and the remote started malfunctioning, setting it off at frequent random

Autospell

A few people did this to me. It's pretty simple but funny if the person doesn't know the inner workings of the Autospell function. Basically you go into Word options and change around the Autospell words to write something completely different when the person begins to type a word. For instance, when I typed in "you" it would automatically change the word to "diapers". "Go" would give me "follow the white rabbit" (a Matrix reference), and "I" would enter in "drunken frat boy".

I knew about Autospell, but didn't know you could customize it that way. So thinking I had a virus of some sort, I called up the IT guys. Turns out they were in on it too. Finally the coworker who set it up felt bad for me, so she filled me in. I am constantly looking for people who are as ignorant as I was about Autospell. In fact, I just thought of a couple...

The Love Gram

One of our programmers' wife's younger brothers is in the high school choir. For Valentine's Day just a couple weeks ago they did "Love Grams", where you pay them 5 bucks and they go sing to your Valentine. The programmer in question thought it'd be funny to send one to one of the male graphic designers, but say it was from a male co-worker he shared a cubicle with. So he did.

It was a wonderfully awkward 3 minutes for everyone involved (including the poor high school kids, who weren't sure if it was real or not), other than me and the programmer, who knew about it before hand and made sure a camcorder would be there.

The Tin-foil Wrap

I've seen a lot of companies do this. Basically you wait until someone is on vacation, then wrap their entire office in tin-foil. Here's a pic.


We used to have a ginormous tin foil ball that was the left-overs from this prank. The thing was as big as a beach ball. After a while we decided that everyone who saw it should sign it like it was a high school yearbook, so it was soon covered with inscriptions like 'You're rad. Biology was fun. Call me this summer. C-ya!'.

Yes, this sort of thing is our idea of a good time. I wasn't kidding when I said working in an office takes your sanity away. I wonder where that tinfoil ball is now...

I'll put up a few more later.

If anyone has suggestions or knows of any great office pranks, I beg you to send them my way. It's been a while since the last one and I'm beginning to feel the madness creep up on me...

Adventures in HR

So the other day I'm giving a job applicant one of our employment assessments. Whenever we do this we use one of the intern computers, as they only work part time. Now, our producer interns are a raucous group of male college students, mostly Marketing and Comm majors. I'm standing there waiting for the computer to boot up, giving the usual spiel about how professional our company is, when the loading finishes, the desktop pops up on the monitor, and the applicant (a pleasant woman applying for an admin asst job) and I both turn to the screen to behold...

Three strapping young men oiled up and wearing naught but Speedos.

It's been a running prank over the past 4 or 5 years for the interns to log on to their fellow intern's computer and change the desktop wallpaper to some sort of homoerotic image while they're gone. While this is a prank I fully support, this was a very, very, bad time.

So there I am, the poor HR shmuck whose job is basically to ensure that no one is ever offended ever, standing with a female job applicant looking at a picture of three men in banana slings. In that horrible split-second of realization I feel a cold sweat break out as every case study and legal briefing I've ever read regarding harassment flashes through my mind, though part of me is laughing as well, completely aware of the humor of the situation.

Fortunately the lady thought it was funny (she was younger and not from Cedar City, which was a stroke of luck [nothing against Cedarians, of course; it just would have been a far worse situation if she had been 30 years older and a local]). Me and the interns had a laugh the next day as I told them the story and asked them not to do it on that particular computer, and the lady now works here, undoubtedly spending hours on end googling wallpapers of male models.

And may I just say, my proudest accomplishment in this post was pulling off the parenthesis-within-the-parenthesis in the above paragraph. I may even attempt the daunting "Triple-parenthesis" in a future post.

Career Fair. Again.

Had another career fair yesterday. Nothing much to say about it: The Marines were out in force, the Target Entourage clogged the walkway as usual, the presence of Possibility Forge guy was sorely missed, I gravely insulted an extremely nice Chinese foreign exchange student and didn't realize it until later, and had someone claim the new record for Guy With Most Unrelated Major Yet Still Inquiring After Job Possibilities: Digital Forensics.

Good times.

I'm back in the game, baby!

All right, so after nearly 4 weeks of straight sickness, I think I'm finally over it.

Being sick sucks. It wasn't always this way. When you're younger being sick meant you got to stay home and watch movies. It was like a holiday, only better since everyone else was in class while you were home eating soup and playing Mario Kart. I practically prayed for some sort of ailment to hit me while in elementary school.

Now being sick means lying in bed feeling miserable and not being able to sleep. Mario Kart has been replaced by vapid games of Star Wars: Republican Commander that bring no joy and the soup tastes like ashes in my mouth. Even throwing up doesn't seem to have the same glistening sheen of novelty it did in my youth, though it does leave a glistening sheen on the bathroom floor. Then I come back to a week's worth of e-mail and voice mails, as well as a deep, nagging feeling that I have been cheated in some way.

Oh how I yearn for the sick experience of yesteryear!

Anyways, I'm back now and grateful just to be able to walk and move. And blog. Hopefully there will be more blogging. I really should get back to erasing e-mails though.

Toodles.

p.s.- yes, that is an actual picture of Becks throwing a quilt.

p.p.s.- don't ever type "vomit" into Google's image search unless you are really, really ready to see some gross stuff. Gross and funny.

Valentine's Day

I realized something as I was waiting in line with 7 other guys at the flower store today: Women have effectively hijacked Valentine's Day.

Think about it. Valentine's Day is supposed to be the day you show the person you love that you care for them. It's a mutual thing-both genders showing appreciation towards the other. Then how come it's mostly men buying presents for women? I mean, if a man doesn't get something for his wife/girlfriend for Valentine's Day, he's an insensitive jerk. But if a woman doesn't get something for her hubby/boyfriend...so what, she's not supposed to. You don't see sporting goods or electronics stores bringing on extra staff because they're swamped by female present-buyers on Valentine's Day.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this--I like doing romantic stuff for my wife and she's great at equal opportunity appreciation showing. I'm just pointing out an interesting double standard our society has regarding the genders, of which there are many.

And honestly, I'll take having to be in charge of Valentine's Day over getting paid less money for doing the same job anyday.

Happy Valentine's Day.

What's with the "i before e" rule?

Has anyone else noticed that this neat little spelling limerick is almost completeley bogus?

"'I' before 'e' except after c."

Yeah right. What about their, weird, protein, deity, heir, height, weight, veil, or species?

Forget evolution, the misguided school boards of the bible belt need to work on getting this hoax out of our schools. Mr. J, I demand that you never teach it to your students.

Brian Regan actually has a great bit on this. All I could find was this kid's cartoon, it's still good though. Give it a gander.

This Week's Theme Appears to be "Sick"

So after taking a week to get over whatever funky virus me and the fam (and apparently half of Utah) had last week, I got food poisoning yesterday.

Which was great. While the virus did well in the areas of fever, burning throat, and abject physical exhaustion, I found it somewhat lacking in vomiting, cold sweat, and sleepless nights. So it was good the food poisoning came up and allowed me to experience the entire spectrum of physical misery. Now if only I can give birth sometime soon...

Anyways, in going along with the theme of this week I've decided to make a quick list of things I am sick of. Feel free to make your own list. In fact, since I've been "tagged" twice in the last week to do blog surveys, I'm tagging you, Sidwell and Tights, to fill out your own sick list*.

• Hearing about New York and/or Boston sports teams. No more. The rest of the country doesn't want to hear about the Yankees, Red Sox, Giants, Pats, Celts, or Knicks. Please stop. In fact, after my favorite teams (Cubs, Jazz, Saints), my rooting will automatically go to any team NOT from one of these two cities, even if it means rooting for the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals. Yuck....
• The 2008 presidential elections. I actually followed this pretty closely right up till Super Tuesday. While it's great that the Repubs have a candidate, the thought of watching Hill and Bill pull their crap on Obama for another 6 months seriously makes me nauseous.
• Credit card offers.
• The writer's strike.
• The news media spending 2 years severely overcovering a presidential election and the banal minutia of American life while a genocide goes mostly unmentioned. At least we know Britney Spears is crazy though...
• Being sick.
• Getting more responses from executive recruiters than actual applicants everytime I post a job on CareerBuilder.
• U2 not having their new album out yet. Though, considering what happened with Pop, please take as long as you need.
• Un-ripe bananas. Seriously, banana, why can't you be ripe? It's the least you can do.
• Being so delirious from sickness that I use my blog to express anger at a fruit.
  

*If you break this chain, not only will your true love NOT kiss you in the next week, you will also be barfed on.

Still sick, but of politics

How did we get where we are today? Why is it like this?

Why can't people actually discuss the important issues facing the country today? Why does it have to always turn into a breathtaking display of egotism, close-mindedness, and media-programmed prejudices?

For instance, you mention to a Democrat that you don't think the government should support the systematic killing of infants, or to a Republican that you plan to vote for a Democratic candidate. The immediate response is more or less, "What?! Are you crazy? They've gotten to you, haven't they! I don't want anything to do with you, LIBERAL/CONSERVATIVE NUT-JOB!" Why isn't it ever, “Wow. Though I don't agree with that, I know you are a rational person. Please tell me why you feel that way." Has political discourse devolved to such an extent that you can't have a conversation with anyone without immediately being branded a liberal or a conservative? Isn't that too simplistic?

And why do we have the need to devote ourselves to one of the two political parties (and yes, there are only two parties that control our nation), both of which are filled with pettiness, personal ambition, and pursue ulterior motives not aligned with those of the people they supposedly represent? Isn't there something misguided by throwing all your support and trust behind an organization driven by such faulty principles? It just seems to me that most people tend to lose a good deal of objectivity and common sense when they become a Democrat or a Republican. A few illustrations:


Capital Punishment-

The Dems say capital punishment is a barbaric practice that no civilized nation should be a part of. And then they support the wide scale killing of babies. What's missing there?


Welfare and Health Care-

The Reps claim they honor and champion Christian values. In fact, they throw this about like their party has the actual endorsement of Heaven itself. But isn't one of Jesus' most repeated teachings HELP THE POOR? Give to the poor?

Now the faithful Republican will immediately chime in here with "Yeah, but God wants us to be self-sufficient. You have to work for what you get." That's true. And by saying this they are implying that every poor person is poor because they are lazy, stupid, and blow their money on TVs and alcohol. But not us. No, we're rich because we work hard and we're better people. Being born into wealth and privilege had nothing to do with it.

Of course there are some people who will take advantage of charity. Jesus knew this. And He told us to do it anyway. When does He ever say, "Give to the poor, but only the ones who really deserve it. And since you can't tell who they are, better just give that money to the tobacco and gun industries instead"? But isn't this what the Repubs do? Can someone explain that?

There is no way the majority of middle and upper class Americans work harder and more hours than the average honest Mexican immigrant, legal or illegal. No way.

You hear it all the time and I think it's true: If Jesus came back and ran for office, most Republicans would reject him because he doesn't uphold their "conservative Christian values".


Gun Control-

Reps: We need guns! It's in the Constitution! The Founding Fathers specifically wanted US TODAY to have automatic rifles! We need to keep King George out of our homes!

Dems: No guns. Most guns only kill family members of the owner, anyway. Therefore no one should be able to choose whether or not they keep a gun in their house. Americans just aren't responsible enough to make a choice that involves the lives of others. Oh, but abortion? That they can choose.

War-

Again with the Repubs and Christianity: Pre-emptive strikes. Getting them before they get us. Taking revenge on all of radical Islam and the countries that harbor them. Like Iraq.

What happened to "turn the other cheek" and "blessed are the peacemakers"? Richard Gere was booed shortly after 9/11 for suggesting that we needed to forgive and let go of the hate to get on with our lives. Now, I am the last person to suggest that we should be listening to what Hollywood says, but in this situation the celebrity was right. And he got booed. Then Rush Limbaugh replayed the clip so he could deride him. It just seems the people who claim to be "Christian Conservatives" are somewhat selective of which teachings in the Bible they will follow. Kind of like some people with the Qur'an.


Those are just a few that came to mind. Though there are enough hypocrisies in both parties to write a whole book on.

This is what disillusions me the most about politics today: We're so divided, how can anything actually get done? You've got Congressmen getting paid $150K to work 90 days out of the year. When they are working they're so gridlocked by ego and conflicting special interests that we applaud like the parents of a bratty 2-year old who finally lets another kid play with the toy truck if they actually work together and get something done. Meanwhile the rest of the country is busy listening to pontificating blowhards like Limbaugh, Savage, Coulter, and others who make their fortunes by turning us on one another, dividing us into US and THEM--the latte-sipping, tree hugging, NPR-loving, baby-killing liberals or the gun-toting, SUV-driving, fanatical, jingoistic neo-cons. And we willingly divide into these camps, in turn losing all sense of cooperation and appropriateness and becoming as objective and rational as a group of drunken Yankees and Red Sox fans.

Isn't anybody else fed up with this?

As usual, the crass and immature Jon Stewart is the lone voice of reason in this chaotic time.