WalMart gave me salmonella and all I got was this lousy jar of peanut butter

Hey I'm back. Sorry for not posting, I'm a horrible blogger, I'll do better blah blah blah.

Anyways, have you heard the whole certain peanut butters are tainted with salmonella thing? Turns out I'm a lucky winner! That's right, I got one of the select few jars with salmonella. Not only did I get the jar, but I ate the entire thing -- and got sick! I'm pretty excited about it, as I've never won anything like this before. And while it's not McDonalds' Monopoly game or a trip to the NBA Finals from Nestle Crunch, at least it's something. Almost like getting one of Willy Wonka's golden tickets...

So on Friday we realized we had a special jar and that it was most likely the cause of my recent discomfort (we thought I just had the flu or something), so I called up the special customer service line of the company responsible, ConAgra Foods, just to see if salmonella is serious enough that I need to see the doctor. Apparently this line had been set up just for customers who had questions about the salmonella outbreak.

After sitting through a 5-minute recorded description of the problem (which assured us that they didn't think there was a problem, but were recalling the PB "just to be safe,") they put me on hold. To my surprise, it almost immediately made the clicking sound meaning an actual person was going to talk to me. What joy!

Instead it hung up on me.

So I called them again later, sat through the description, sat through a 20 minute hold time (I hate hold music. I really, really hate it) finally heard the clicking noise again and got...another machine. After listening to the steady, disinterested drone of some woman reading off a script for another few minutes, telling me the exact same thing the first message did, I was ready to hang up and take my chances with the salmonella. But then the machine asked me: "Do you have a pencil so I can give you the address?" It had been a real person the whole time. She hadn't asked what my question was, she had just launched into her scripted spill designed to turn away as many people as possible.

So I told her all I wanted to know was how bad salmonella is and if I needed to see a doctor. I've been feeling better lately and hate going to the hospital. I thought this was the type of question the "special customer-help line" was designed to answer, but apparently the 15-minute orientation they gave their temps didn't cover such a strange question, as she replied, "Uh...just one moment."

A long pause as I hear the shuffling of paper. Finally she gets back on and proceeds to read me the entire background of the disease salmonella.

When she finishes I say, "So I probably don't need to see a doctor then?" to which she replies, "Um...it says here it usually stays in the system for 4-7 days."

"Ok. I guess I'm good then."

"Do you want to take down the address so you can get a free replacement jar of peanut butter?"

So all I have to do is send the lid from the previous jar and a request to this company, and they'll send me a free replacement jar of PEANUT BUTTER! Awesome! Because I definitely feel like eating more of their peanut butter right now! I mean, the last one was so good...

That's my PB story. Glad to be back.