Blog o' Mickel

College Football is better than the NFL

2009-09-10T20:19:00.001-07:00

Here are 5 reasons college football is better to watch than the NFL. Please note that I am writing this while watching Steelers/Titans, the opening game of the NFL season. Or rather, I am writing this while watching a seeming endless stream of commercials with brief snippets of a Steelers/Titans game thrown in.

No seriously--what's with all the commercials? Is there an actual game being played here?
The NFL cadence: 3 plays, punt, TV timeout. 3 plays, punt, TV timeout. 6 plays punt, TV timeout. 2 plays, turnover, TV timeout. TV timeout. Halftime. TV timeout.
Excitement. Long passes, breakaway runs, and kickoff returns are common place in college football. In the NFL you're excited just to see a 7-yard gain.

Ooh. Hines Ward just got the ball stripped on the 6-yard line with 50 seconds left. I would take back what I just said in #3, but that was literally the first exciting thing to happen in the last 3 quarters. Moving on...

4. Overtime. Thanks to the sudden-death system (which Chris Collinsworth has just defended with "Sure, your team may not even get a fair chance to win, but, uh...so be it.") If a TV announcer has to defend a rule with "It may not be fair, but so be it", you're going to want to look into things.

5. Did I mention all the commercials?

Sweaters: Panacea Against All Evils

2009-09-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

So when the Menendez brothers went on trial for killing their own parents they employed a little-known public relations strategem and appeared in sweaters, hoping the snuggly softness would impact the jury.

For, as you know, it is impossible to think bad about someone in a sweater.

Saddam Hussien's lawyer tried it as well at the beginning of his trial. Alas, I couldn't find a picture, but remember seeing it on TV. Just imagine the great despot in a grey cocoon of adorableness.

But hold on -- Chris Brown, the R&B star recently charged with the felony assault of his girlfriend Rihanna -- has upped the ante. Not content with just the sweater, whatever PR Firm Brown is using apparently decided to go straight for America's jugular and sport a BOW-TIE. The result is breathtaking:

Ladies and gentlemen, does this really look like a man who is prone to violence? Prone to cuddliness, perhaps, but violence? Fie!

It works. I've forgiven him already.

But now I am intrigued as to what the next step on the image makeover excalation scale will be. How do you top sweater and bow-tie? Here's my guess:

Woolen mittens.

And after that, Hello Kitty backpack.

Lily's P90X Program

2009-09-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, everyone, welcome to today's workout. I am your trainer for the day. My name is Lily. Let's get our sweat on!

We'll start with pushups. Simple exercise, but a great way to work your bi's and tri's, not to mention melt some of that pesky baby-elbow-fat.

That's good. Gimme 5....4....3....2.....1....one more for good luck...gimme just one more...Good.

All right, next up is abs. Remember your chin needs to come all the way up. If you think these are hard for you, try doing them when your head is roughly the same size as your torso.

Next is the scissor leg stretch. Make sure that right leg gets all the way out. If you really want to push it, go ahead and stick the big toe in your mouth. Like difff. Ahhff...blogeh....goohd.

Ok, let's go ahead and finish with some simple one-armed push-ups. What's that? Too tired? Sissy.

If you ever need a lawyer, be sure he isn't a fat one

2009-07-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

I had to fill out a character reference form today for a friend who is applying to become a lawyer. It was in the form of a letter sent by a law firm representing the Maryland Bar Association.

3 things stuck out to me as I filled this thing out:

People still use mail?
Question number 2 read something like:

Have you seen anything in the conduct of this individual that would hint at unethical or dishonest character?

This is great because I love the irony in an organization whose members (a good portion of them anyway) make frequent practice of bending, dodging, and exploiting laws on behalf of clients they often know are guilty just to make some money somehow being concerned if I've ever seen this guy make up a lie to a girl he was dating or swipe a roommate's box of Pop-Tarts. Because those things would be unacceptable.

3. The last question:

"Would you recommend this person to the bar based on what you know of their ethics, principles, work ethic, and fitness?"

That's right, "fitness" is apparently part of the criteria for admittance to the bar. The cover letter also mentioned as much. I had a brief ethical dilemma with this one--for while he was principled and honest when I knew him, I hadn't seen him in 3 years and wasn't sure how fat he had become in that time. I mean, I would hate to answer "Yes", only to have my friend fail miserably in the Bar Association Obstacle Course (which I assume is the final step to becoming a lawyer), much less expose the good people of Maryland to a chubby, slow moving litigator with high cholesterol.

I answered yes though, and have my fingers crossed.

A shocking revelation...

2009-07-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

I just found out a song I heard on the radio and liked is by the Jonas Brothers.

This is almost as bad as the time we had a mixup with our special order shirts and I found out I had been wearing a women's polo to the company conference the entire day.

Ah, to heck with it. I'm married. I don't have to be cool anymore.

HEY EVERYONE, GUESS WHAT? I LIKE A JONAS BROTHERS SONG.

Everyone Hide Your Celebrities

2009-06-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

First Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcett, now the King of Pop himself. All in what, a 3 day span? If I was a famous person, I'd be worried right about now.

If it does happen again this month, here are some completely baseless and arbitrary odds on who the next celeb with a ticket to the Hollywood in the sky would be:

Sean Connery : 10 - 1
Dolly Parton : - 40 - 1
Carrot Top : 75 - 1
Sir Ian McKlellan : 25 - 1
Mick Jagger : 7 - 1
Gene Hackman : 100 - 1
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the II : 30 - 1
That one guy who played the Geometry teacher on Better Off Dead: 3 - 1

I've heard a few people say "these things come in threes". Do they? Does anyone have any other examples? I need more proof before I buy into this superstition. Though I am completely willing to.

And can I just say with Michael Jackson - I was never a big fan and thought he was as strange as the next person, but come on, the guy was abused physically and psychologically as a kid then became a global icon by the time most of us are starting general eds in college. How many of us could have gone through that and come out balanced, well-adjusted individuals?

Rest in peace Jacko.

I Need a Kobe Face

2009-06-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

If you've been following the NBA Finals then you know Kobe Bryant has a devastating new weapon he's unleashed on his Finals opponents. Here it is:

He's come up with this brand new sneer for use just in the Finals. I've heard it called the Badger, the Beaver, the Tree Chipper, and even the Bruce Springsteen. I have another name for it:

Spectacular.

Really. I think this is a great idea. I mean, you bring out your best wine when old friends stop by, Grandma breaks out the China for Thanksgiving dinner, Notre Dame wears their special green jerseys when they want to get blown out in style -- so why not have a unique, custom made sneer use on special occasions?

I'm working on mine right now. And frankly, you should be too. Here are three I came up with just since I started writing this post:

This is The Caveman.

The Crazy Ivan.

And finally, the White Kobe.

Can't wait to bust this out in a real life situation. Maybe next time we're playing Scrabble and I hit the triple word score. Or in a work meeting after I make an especially astute observation.

Update: - The Lakers just won the Finals. I think we all know who gets the credit for this one: The Beaver.

The Last Month

2009-06-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Here's a recap of the past month in a minute or less. Or your money back.

My brother Adam and I did the Salem Springs Tri back in May. Here is a great shot of our pale, quasi-hairy chests after the swim.

We haven't seen each other much in the past 10 years, so it was really great to be able to do this together. This was Adam's first tri. He did great.

I love this course. Great scenery, great atmosphere, nice park for the spectators, probably my favorite race venue.

There are some ugly looking kids running around though.

Here's a picture of a picture I drew of Amy and I. The picture I took of the picture didn't transfer so well though.

And one of Bono. That big white thing at the top is the light of the ceiling fan reflecting off the glass, not a bald spot.

Last weekend our Ultimate Frisbee team played in the Utah Summer Games. We did really well, then lost to BYU in the championship game and ended up with the silver medal. I'm still upset about this.

Just for some reference, if Ultimate Frisbee in Utah was a Disney sports movie, our team would be the lovable group of rag-tag kids with no money (in this case university funding and support) who play only for love of the game. BYU, Utah State, and the U would be the rich kids who ride around on their expensive bicycles making fun of the poor kids for not having matching uniforms.

Only in this case, the rich kids won. There is no justice outside of Disney movies.

"You play ball like a GIRL!"

On a quick side note, why is it that so many people despise BYU? And I don't mean the team, but the school itself? I mean, during the tournament the snide "they're better Mormon's than us" and "settle down, zoobie, this isn't church ball" comments flowed like caffeine-free Mountain Dew. From every team too. Even I couldn't stand them, until I asked myself why and realized I didn't have an answer. They weren't being jerks or anything, just playing really, really well.

The only theory I can come up with is that people have a very keen sense of others trying to make them feel inferior (whether it's real or imagined). So even though 99 of 100 BYU students may be friendly, unassuming people, all it takes is that one holier-than-thou doofus to taint popular perception. This could be a whole other post though.

Just another burden one must bear if attending The One, True University, I suppose.

Moving on.

We've planted a pretty big garden this year, hoping this year grows something other than pumpkins and earwigs.
Here's a prayer Katie (our 2 year old) gave at breakfast the other day in that monotone, matter-of-fact way toddlers have:

“Dear Hev’ly Fadder, mommy and daddy are driving me crazy. I have pasta. Name Jesus Crise, aaamen.”
As our neighborhood isn't especially social and we've been living here 5 years now, we decided to try and do a neighborhood barbecue. It actually went really well. It's harder to despise a guy who cuts down all his trees so he can park his '85 Trans Am on the lawn after you've met him and know he's a really nice guy. Not impossible, mind you, but tougher.
Things are going well. I still have work (which we’re thankful for), we still have a house (also thankful), our kids don’t have any chronic diseases or head-lice (thankful), and we have a troop of college kids moving in next door in August (not thankful for).

That is all.

It's not just me...

2009-05-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago astronauts attempted a dangerous, high-risk spacewalk in an attempt to repair the Hubble Telescope. Unfortunately they were delayed more than two hours and had to cancel some other maintenance because they couldn't get a one-inch bolt loose.

Here's the full story: http://cbs5.com/national/nasa.atlantis.hubble.2.1011612.html.

This story makes me happy, almost giddy even.

It's good to hear elite professionals with the backing of the brightest minds in our country have the same problem working on their space shuttle that I do when I change the oil or replace the serpentine belt on my Corolla.

I hope the astronaut also skinned his knuckles on the engine casing, swore, then accidentally kicked over the oil pan spilling dirty oil throughout the far reaches of space.

Manny being Manny

2009-05-13T17:33:00.000-07:00

*************************************************

SPORTS POSTING NOTICE

(see original notice at beginning of Jan. 12 posting)

*************************************************

Late last week Manny Ramirez was given a 50 game suspension for testing positive for a female fertility drug commonly used to mask steroid use. The revelation has sent shockwaves of astonishment through the baseball community, giving rise to questions like "How could this happen?", "How long has this been going on?" and, of course, "How could one of baseball's premier players cheat like this?"

Then there's my question: "How the crap is anyone surprised by this anymore?"

I mean...Really? In 2009 we're surprised to hear a baseball player has used steriods? Really?

After Giambi, Bonds, Clemens, Palmero, McGwire, Sosa, A-Rod, the Mitchell Report, MLB's unreleased list of 100 players who tested positive, etc. etc. etc. -- we're still surprised to hear someone else has juiced? Really? We're that stupid?

If you were in any way surprised by this revelation, I can help you. Here is my two-step, reality inducing program. It is simple, but may be painful. Here goes:

1) Think of any player between 1994 and now. Got one? Good.

2) Chances are, THAT PERSON USED PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS at one time or another. Now go on and live your life accordingly.

Is this a blanket overgeneralization? Of course. But at this point we should only be surprised when we hear a certain player didn't juice up.

Guess what else? MOST NFL PLAYERS ARE ON PED's. College too. And the NBA. For some reason we don't make a big deal about this though. Just baseball.

Here are a few other "revelations" to help the reality-impaired:

McDonald's hamburger isn't actually meat. Not cow meat, anyway.

Most politicians care more about their careers and personal comfort than the country or you.

A country going billions of dollars into debt to take care of a problem that arose from going billions of dollars into debt isn't a good idea.

The What's Going Ons

2009-04-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't been blogging has nothing to do with Facebook, as many have assumed. Frankly I am offended that anyone would think this, as my disdain for Facebook is well documented. No, there are other reasons behind the not blogging, two to be precise: 1) I decided to stop blogging from work, even during lunch breaks, and 2) We've had crappy dial up internet at home that made even the simplest of internet tasks (like uploading a picture) seem like trekking across the Sahara. Only if trekking across the Sahara took longer and you got disconnected every 5 minutes.

Well, no more crappy dial up internet. We just got high speed. So here's to a glorious new era of blogging and gratuitous downloading from shady Russian mp3 sites.

Here's a quick update:

I am now 30. I like it.
We went skydiving again back in March. The second time was twice as fun as the first. More on this later.
Now that the Jazz are eliminated I can enjoy the playoffs without that nagging, soul-crushing feeling we call "hope". My only hope now is that Boozer is gone by October.
I broke my finger diving for a catch in Ultimate Frisbee. Here's a pic:

The worst part about getting hurt in Ultimate Frisbee is that it sounds so wimpy. "How'd you break your finger?" "Frisbee." [A pause accompanied with an incredulous look, then an amused snort] "It must be hard to function like a normal adult with such brittle bones, but you seem to do ok."

This seems like a good time to show my Owie Journal:

Ultimate Frisbee: it's not just for hippies anymore.

Anyways, it's good to be back.

I am now a raging hypocrite

2009-02-14T06:51:00.000-08:00

That's right, we got a cell phone.

I know.

While there are numerous reasons for this abrupt about-face in my long held anti-cell phone philosophy (i.e. it comes in handy for work, need it for my church calling, etc.), it mainly gravitates around the fact that we could get unlimited minutes for 10 bucks a month.

If anyone is unaware of my prior anti-cell phone sentiment and why this is such a shocking development, I would refer them to the lengthy diatribe I wrote a year or so back: Why I Hate Cell Phones.

So how do I reconcile this betrayal of my cherished beliefs? With Themickel's Cell Phone Owner Creed. Here goes:

I promise to never answer my cell phone only to tell the person I can't talk right now.
I promise that, barring an emergency, I will never answer my cell phone while out at dinner with friends or family, and if I do, said friends and family can kick me in the groin as hard as they want.
I promise I will never be that moron who is on his cell phone at the restaraunt, grocery store, bank, movie line, etc. talking 3 times louder than normal and completely oblivious to the waiter, cashier, teller, or 15 year old selling the ticket in front of him while 20 other people are waiting in line.
I promise that if I ever use the phrase: "Sorry, we were going to call you back but we had to wait for our Thursday 2:30 AM to 3:25 AM unlimited minute slot", I will stop whatever I am doing, lock myself in a closet, and seriously rethink my life.
The cell phone is for my convenience, not for the convenience of other people.

I am confident that if everyone who owned a cell phone swore to this creed the world would be a better place.

I'm sure there are more. I'll add them as they come up.

The unthinkable has happened...

2009-02-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

I better hold off on the explanation until I can get a photo.

In the meantime, I'll go ahead and allow the suspense to grow and burgeon, just so it can come crashing down in cruel anti-climax later.

Skydiving, round 2

2009-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

I turn 30 in March. So I thought we should go skydiving again.

I just made the reservation. Can't wait. I think I just peed my pants a little.

Here's the video from the first time: http://themickel.blogspot.com/2007/10/skydiving-vid_18.html

World's Oldest Person Just Died

2009-01-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090102/oldest_person_090102/20090102?hub=Health

I saw one of these articles a while back. About a month or two later there was another one. Then maybe a week or so back there was a third.

I can't help but wonder -- is it really newsworthy that the oldest person in the world just died?

I mean, of course the world's oldest person just died. That's what the oldest people in the world tend to do. Once they do there is a new world's oldest person (heretofore referred to as "WOP"). And guess what? He/she is going to die too. Probably pretty soon.

Now don't get me wrong; these peoples' lives are amazing and I enjoy reading about them. But it seems like lazy journalism. A perpetually reoccurring story an editor can plug in every time he needs a filler story.

In the spirit of the WOP articles, here are three other stories they could cover just to mix things up a bit:

World's Youngest Person Just Born
People Are Eating Food Somewhere
After a Brief Absence, The Sun Has Reappeared and Seems to be Traveling in a Westerly Direction

New U2 Single...

2009-01-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

For my fellow U2 enthusiasts, I just stumbled across the first released single from No Line On The Horizon, Get on Your Boots.

I am what's known as a 'hyperlink' and if you click on me I will take you to said single.

I'll leave my reaction as a comment on this post, just so I don't taint anyone's expectations going in. I'm interested to see what others think of it.

Jury Duty

2009-01-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

This may be weird, but I want to get called up for jury duty.

I'll admit that my understanding of the process is limited. In fact, almost my entire perception of this divine American "right" is based on the Simpson's episode where Homer is selected for jury after Mayor Quimby's nephew's alleged beating of a french waiter (when Homer lengthens the trial out so he can miss work and get free room service at his hotel and wears glasses with eyeballs painted on them so he can sleep until Apu points it out to the judge. What a great episode.), as well as what I've heard from people who have been through it. The latter consists mainly of stories about waiting around for 8 hours, reading books, while the attorneys decide who will give the verdict most free from the unreasonable and restrictive demands of justice. Then doing it all over again the next day.

This appeals to me. Maybe it's curiosity, maybe it's the possibility of participating in thrilling courtroom drama (which, as I'm given to understand from TV and movies, is what I can expect as the norm in our judicial system), or maybe it's the opportunity to stand up during deliberations and impassionedly declare "I'M out of order?! YOU'RE out of order! This WHOLE SYSTEM is out of order!"

Most likely, however, it's just the prospect of being able to read or dink around on my laptop instead of going to work for an entire day.

So what do I have to do to get called up? Why is it the people around me seem to get summoned several times a year but I haven't had so much as a threat of jury duty? The only qualification I've heard is that you have to be a registered voter and vote. Which I am and do. Every 4 years.

In other news, I've been working on my NFL team selection and have narrowed it down to three, one of which was expected while the other two were not. Thanks to those who have provided input. Good suggestions, all of you. I'll announce my team later this week.

(Teaser: one team has a bird as mascot, the other a group of people, and the third a quadrupedal land mammal.)

That is all.

UPDATE: On rereading that teaser I've realized that my hints actually exclude only 2 teams (3 depending on what a "Brown" is). So yeah. Good luck with that.

I need a favorite NFL team

2009-01-12T09:43:00.000-08:00

**************** SPORTS POSTING NOTICE ********************

The following post is entirely about sports. If you're not into sports you will find it boring and insubstantial (you may even if you do follow sports). So you'll probably want to stop reading right now. Might I recommend the preceding post entitled "Five Reasons Facebook is Stupid", or this McSweeney's article. Thank you and enjoy your bleak, joyless existence.

********************************************************************************

I'll cut to the chase: I don't have a favorite NFL team. When I was a kid it was the Raiders, but only because 1) I liked their uniforms, and 2) we had this Sports Illustrated video called Crunch Time that had a segment on Howie Long (this was mid-80's, so pre-commercial/broadcasting Howie) and I thought he was cool. I half-heartedly switched to the Saints in high school, mostly because no one else liked them and, again, I thought their uniforms were cool. Finally I had a brief relationship with the Pats, but only because I liked their logo (The Flying Elvis), they started that year 6-0 (this was before any of the Super Bowl rings), and they played in a place called "Foxboro".

Not good reasons for having a favorite team.

After discussing this with a co-worker his eyes lit up and he said, "You're lucky. You haven't had one team since you were a kid, so you get to choose yours." He then added a wistful "I wish I were you..." and began weeping on my desk (he's a Dolphins fan).

I realized he was right -- in the unwritten rules of sports fandom you have to stick with your first team or you are fickle, disloyal, a traitor or a bandwagoner. However, according to the Childhood Stupidity Clause and the Absence of a Local Team Clause (also unwritten*), I now get to choose my team. An amazing opportunity, as I am able to apply my adult intellect to an important, lifelong decision that is typically made when you are a child.

So here's my question: how do I choose?

It's a seemingly simple question, but one that opens into a vista of challenges and questions as difficult to deal with as the Windows Operating System of that name. For instance: players and coaches change, so how do you use that? Same with playing styles, owners, and even cities. Uniforms can be a factor, though a minor one. History and tradition is good, but I gravitate more towards teams that I actually like to watch play (i.e. the Titans/Ravens are about as entertaining as a Pistons/Spurs Final) and this is also subject to change. And, in the end, couldn't you say teams really pick you? So should I be doing this anyway?

See what I mean? A whole frightening vista. I suppose it's all fodder for another post though.

Here's what I do know:

I'm already a Cubs fan, so I have no extra emotional will to expend on another beleaguered, hapless team with a long history of losing/choking. Thus, the Lions, Saints, Jets, and probably Cardinals (I'm not sure their current streak erases their vast history of ineptitude) are out.
I also have no interest in a team whose owner is clueless/potentially unstable. Thus the Raiders and Cowboys are out.
Even disregarding #2, the Cowboys would still be out.
So are the Pats, Colts, and even the Cardinals ala the Bandwagoning Rule.

So where do I go from here?

*Actually, I think these are written. I remember the Sports Guy doing an article on something like this. Anybody know where it is?

5 Reasons Facebook is Stupid

2009-01-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking this post probably gets me the same level of scorn that my post on cell phones did, but I don't care. A man must hold true to his beliefs. And me...I believe Facebook is stupid.

1. It's slowly replacing blogging, but doesn't offer nearly as much.

Isn't blogging far better? I mean, I can go onto Cheeth or Mister J's blog, get an update on what they're up to, see pictures and read about what is important to them. In addition to providing a small window into their lives, this also allows me to experience a piece of their personality and be reminded why I like that person.

What does Facebook give you? A 2 inch picture, something someone you don't know wrote on their wall, and a bland status update like 'Mindi is sitting on her sofa clipping her toenails'.

It seems like people are blogging less. For instance, look at the blog roll on the right side of the screen. Perhaps down a little too. I'll bet you look at this at any give time and only one person will have posted in the last 3 days. Then there will be three who haven't in over a month.

A year ago it wouldn't have been this way. I blame apathy and Facebook. But mostly Facebook. Because I don't want to pick a fight with apathy.

2. Getting poked, likeness quizzes, pirate kidnappings, vampire blood lust invitations, body slams, 'Which Teletubbie Are You?' requests, Invitations to join the Michael Landon Fan Club, etc.

I don't feel I need to elaborate on this one. Other than to say I generally prefer not getting 'poked', in either a literal or virtual sense.

3. The excitement of finding an old friend, replaced by the dissapointment of realizing you have nothing to say to each other.

When I was first introduced to Facebook and hadn't yet learned how it works, I thought you used it to actually communicate with your friends. So I wrote a few 'How's it going? What are you up to?' e-mails to people I hadn't seen in a long time. I never heard back. I stopped writing them and eventually learned that that is how Facebook is supposed to work: Someone from 7th grade finds you, they add you as a friend, you confirm them and get a small link on the bottom of your page, then you both go about your lives with no further communication but a smug sense of accomplishment on having increased the number of friends you have on Facebook.

So now that I am well versed in Facebook protocol and know better, any message sent to me from an old time friend is met with a condescending shake of the head, the thought, 'They must be new to Facebook', and is promptly ignored.

4. Feeling obligated to write something clever in my status update every time I get on.

My solution to this is to not get on anymore.

5. I'm still not sure what it is.

Really. I don't get the point of it. Most people respond to this with, "It's a way to keep in touch with friends" but I feel this is inaccurate. A more fitting description would be "It's a good way to keep a small rectangular picture of people you used to know on an internet page".

I do have to give Facebook some props, though. For one, there are at least 40 people on there that I never would have found any other way, many that I had forgotten about. It does an exceptional job at helping you find old friends. There have also been some entertaining bouts of friendly banter with old friends initiated by a status update or profile change (though really nothing more than what happens in a blog comment box or on Yahoo Messenger). So there are some good things about it.

However, like a cranky old man stubbornly clinging to his VCR and 8-tracks, I am determined to shun Facebook in favor of blogging.

Gon farnit.

'Blog more' isn't one of my new year's resolutions

2009-01-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think that last post helped me break through my posting-aversion barrier; that unseen, impenetrable wall of ennui that seems to form when you haven't written for a while.

Things are going well. Baby #2 is healthy, happy, and almost sleeping through the night already. She's also extremely mellow, feeds well, and cries little. All signs so far point to her being the perfect baby, which I take as a sign that we've reached our zenith as parents and can only go downhill by further procreating.

Christmas break was fun. Part of me is glad to be back at work though. I suppose this is largely due to knowing that the probability of me having to change a diaper at a moment's notice here is minimal. Not gone entirely, mind you, but minimal.

Speaking of work, here is a scan of my most recent meeting notes. You can click on it for the full effect.

I am especially pleased with my tofu Homestar Runner, the Ute logo, and the elder's quorum moment at the bottom. I am also pleased that I have found a productive way to spend meetings.

That's it for now. It's good to be back.

Hey, I wrote on my blog

2009-01-06T09:18:00.001-08:00

Check it out. I did. Writing.

Baby Pics

2008-12-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

Here are the baby pics, commonly of interest to family and friends. If you read the blog for my unrivaled social, intellectual, and College Football insights, I got nothing for you today but baby pics. Sorry.

Baby Reloaded

2008-12-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Baby number 2 is here. Don't have much time so I'll do the update in bullet-point form:

We checked in the hospital around 10:06. The baby was out at 10:34.
It happened so fast there was no time for an epidural. Consequently, I now know that my wife is at least 10 times tougher than I am.
6 pounds, 12 ounces. I've always thought it strange that the first info people seek upon hearing you've had a baby is the same info you seek when someone catches a Rainbow Trout, but there you go.
It's a girl. We named her Lily Kristen Marie Mickel.
That's right, two middle names for a girl.
Kristen Marie was the name of a family ancestor who apparently left her dead-beat husband and moved the entire family from Denmark to the U.S.A. That qualifies you for a middle name in my book.
Real hospitals aren't nearly as entertaining as they are on Scrubs.
Mom did great. Her and the baby are both healthy and fine.
In fact, I appear to be more tired and befuddled than either of them.
It's still amazing to me that what we experienced last night is just another day at the office for some people.

That's it for now. I'll get more up soon.

Gas

2008-11-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

Gas under 2 bucks, are you serious? Did anyone ever think we'd be here again? This has to be a scam of some sort, like a drug pusher who realizes he better lower his crack prices because his most loyal junkie threatened to go into rehab.

I know this is completely irrational, but ever since gas went down below $2.00 I've had an irrepressible urge to hurry and empty our gas tanks just so I can experience buying "cheap" gas again.

(Note: The "quotations" around the word 'cheap' above is to be interpreted as sarcasm. If you told High School Themickel that in 10 years he would rejoice at $1.99 gas, he would have gazed at you in open-mouthed disbelief. He would also wonder how you could foretell the future and suspect you were a witch or sorcerer of some sort.)

(Another note: The quotations around the word 'quotations' above is to point out the general absurdity of quotations.)

Update on the Happenings

2008-11-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hey. Haven't blogged for a while. Is it just me or is Facebook slowly replacing blogging? This is not a positive development. Anyways, here's an update on all the happenings of the last month or so, in one quick, desultory swoop.

In no particular order:

San Francisco

As a last hurrah before the next baby strikes, we took a trip to San Francisco with my parents. I've been about 5 or 6 times, the wife has been twice, but it's just as fun as the first time.

Highlights of the trip: clam chowder, Saturday morning jog through the city and up Lombard Street, pondering the irony inherent in some of the most expensive real estate in the country (Fisherman's Wharf) being filled with crappy souvenir shops whose wares even the tackiest of tourists would be ashamed to hang on their refrigerators, eating at The Stinking Rose, an all-garlic restaurant that was surprisingly good (even the deserts have garlic in them), the jolt of suddenly finding myself in the middle of about six-dozen Chinese-Americans practicing Tai-Chi, and watching the effect a veritable tidal wave of hefty Philadelphians in Donovan McNabb jerseys (in town for the Eagles vs. 49ers game) had on the tranquility of Liberalism's Mecca.

While there are many things San Fran stands for that I don't approve of*, I do applaud the random bursts of civic creativity. This is an old building that had a fire sweep through it. Rather than tearing it down, however, the city allowed an artist to do his thing, and this is the end result. It's called "Defenestration", which means ''the act of throwing something out a window''.

Cartoons

As a hobby on the side, I've been doing editorial cartoons and sending them to local papers. Nothing yet. But it's still fun.

The Baby

We're coming up on the due date pretty quick here: November 30th. I'm savoring every last moment of sleep I can.

You know, a lot of people seem to like these new 3D ultrasounds, but they kind of creep me out. It looks like when Han Solo gets frozen in that block of carbonite in Empire Strikes Back. I feel like I need to be doing something to get her out.

The wife and I are of the school of thought that you should at least wait to see the kid before you name him/her, so we haven't settled on a name yet. Here are our top picks though (it's a girl, by the way):

Lily (or Lilly)

Berkley

Brooklyn

Note: we haven't purposely gone after city names, it just kind of...happened. Incidently, our favorite boy name is Camden, which I hear is the cesspool of New Jersey [which in turn got its name from Camden, England, the cesspool of London]. Either way, that kid will have some great expectations).

Halloween

The obligatory Halloween picture. The kid was a pumpkin, the wife was a flower (it actually looked a lot better than this picture suggests, what with her bulging tummy and all), and I was my old standby, the Little Caesar's pizza guy (great when you want to put minimal effort in a costume -- all you need is a bedsheet).

Needless to say, we didn't surpass last year's effort in my goal of having the three most random, unrelated costumes (last year we were a fairy princess, a chicken, and Pop-Eye), but I have high hopes for next year (a butterfly, John McEnroe, Anne of Green Gables, and a burrito).

Races

I did the Tour de St. George back in October, my first long-distance bike tour. It was actually a lot of fun. They do 35, 67, and 100 mile distances. I wussed out and did the 67.

This is me getting my pre-race bagel. Which is really the best part of the race.

This summer I've kind of neglected the usual triathlon training in favor of Ultimate Frisbee. I had always thought Ultimate Frisbee was a pretty relaxed sport, but since I've started playing I've witnessed two broken noses, a dislocated elbow, a hyper-extended knee, a broken foot, and numerous split lips, cheeks, and eyebrows.

The worst I've had so far is a sprained shoulder and this orange-sized bruise on my calf, which caused Katie to put down her cracker, point at my leg, nod her head knowingly and say, "Owie, daddy. Owie."

Now you are updated on the happenings. Have a good one.

*Specifically: Barry Bonds, a current 49er team that is a disgrace to the franchise, and horrendously bad pre-packaged rice dinners. Why, what were you thinking of?

5 Things You Shouldn't Send in With Your Resume

2008-10-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

Recent events have prompted me to write this particular post. Here are 5 Things You Shouldn't Send in With Your Resume. As always, these are actual things I have seen as a recruiter.

Your Social Security Number.
Your Unemployment Insurance Enrollment Form, complete with your routing number, bank, and your bank account number.
Someone else's Unemployment Insurance Enrollment Form, complete with their routing number, bank, and bank account number.
Medical Records.
The statement: "I love anime therefore I spend a lot of time downloading anime from various sites".

Meetings

2008-10-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we as humans feel we need to hold meetings? Is it learned? Maybe genetic, something evolution (which of course is a farce invented by the 1860's leftist media) instilled in us as necessary for the survival of our species? I mean, 500,000 years ago did Caveman Ug decide to gather his tribe together in some cave, stand up in front of them and say, "Thanks everyone for coming. As you know, we're going to push that big rock over tomorrow, so I thought we'd better meet and discuss in painstaking detail the simple process of how to push on a rock. First you--- Oh yeah, did you guys see Grok get gored at yesterday's mastodon hunt? That was crazy, right?" and then 6 hours later they hobble out of there and decide to go out for dinosaur ribs? How else can you explain this baffling tradition we have?

Don't get me wrong, some meetings are important, even necessary. I just think about 80% of them aren't. And of the ones that are, 90% are longer than they need to be.

I'll give an illustration. Every month my company has meetings to discuss the welfare of our agencies. A rep from each department is supposed to be there. I go as an HR rep. Here is a scan of my notes from one of those meetings:

I'm particularly pleased with my Cubs logo and the impromptu Homer Simpson's.

In fact, you'll notice 3/4 of my "notes" are devoted to doodles. This is because me and 13 other people at that meeting didn't have to be there. No input was asked, no action items were given, we just sat there like schmucks while the senior executive went over finances with one of the controllers, a conversation that could have happened over phone and without the moral support of a dozen other employees. The vast majority of our meetings go this way. And we're probably better run and more efficient than the average company.

And it's not just work. Church, community, pretty much ALL meetings seem to be fairly pointless. I've given it a lot of thought (there's nothing else to do during meetings) and I've come up with the following reasons why people love to have meetings:

While public speaking is one of our greatest fears, we all secretly want everyone else to shut up and listen to how smart we are. Meetings provide a safe environment in which to do this.
Talking and theorizing about what you should do is easier than actually doing it.
(At work anyway) Holding a meeting regarding an important decision gives the illusion of unanimity, even if the opinions/suggestions of only a small fraction of those present are solicited.
We've been conditioned to subconsciously feel no human endeavor is validated until there has been a meeting devoted to it.
We love to tell others "Sorry, I can't make it, I have a meeting to get to." It makes us feel important.
It's easier than working.

Let me know if I missed anything. Sorro does a great running diary of his company's weekly meetings. I love to read it because it shows me there are fellow sufferers out there.

In conclusion, I don't like meetings. I feel most of them can be done in about 15 minutes. If it goes longer than that you might as well have a BBQ or hold a formal debate, because that's what you're doing anyway.

I love candy corn

2008-10-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

It's way better than normal corn. Just wanted to share that.

The Winner of 'Guess That Lyric'

2008-10-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

Is Code-ster, who correctly guessed Apache (Jump on it) by Sugarhill Gang. In honor of his cheesy lyric guessing prowess, Code-ster gets the following video clip dedicated to him. You can watch it too though.

You also get this picture of Snow, everyone's favorite white Candadian rapper.

And for the Jones's, who came in second behind Code-ster, you get this screenshot from Kid Icarus.

Let it never be said Themickel don't know how to dish out the prizes.

Career Fair Burger

2008-10-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Hey. We're back from San Francisco. I'll get pictures up of that. Someday.

In the meantime, I just got back from another Career Fair. I don't feel like writing the usual long-winded recap, so I'll just give some statistics:

Approximate number of times I used the phrase, "Great, shoot me over a resume and we'll take it from there": 95

Favorite sight at the career fair: the brave girl meandering across the ballroom alone, refusing to make eye contact with anyone while unashamedly singing out loud Ace of Base's I Saw the Sign.
Percentage of students I talked to who were Accounting majors: 86%
Inanimate object that brought the most entertainment over the 8 hours we were there: a gray, rubber pad placed over some extension cords in the walkway in front of our table to prevent people from tripping, which ended up tripping at least 30 people itself.
How funny it is, on a scale of 1-10, to see someone trip over that rubber mat while you're standing at the table: 5.
How funny it is, on a scale of 1-10, to see someone trip over that rubber mat out of the corner of your eye while you're in the middle of a serious career conversation with a student: 10.
Favorite moment of the career fair: hucking a piece of salt-water taffy at my co-worker's groin while he was on his cell phone, then laughing hysterically as he doubled over in pain. Yes, I am the first contact most people have with our company.
Most interesting SWAG giveaway: Nature's Skin and their "Free Brow Waxing".
Best SWAG giveaway: Portable music players with headphones from some accounting firm.
Worst SWAG giveaway: Nature's Skin and their "Free Brow Waxing".
Most disturbing image: The tough, manly marine in full camo getting Nature's Skin's free brow waxing.
Most awkward moment: Explaining a position to a candidate who has graduated and is gainfully employed by the university we were at and just as his supervisor walks up he says the words:
"Yeah, I'd definitely be interested in looking into that". Wow. This rated pretty high on Awkward Things to Say Just As Someone Walks Up scale, just above "Hey, you know Doug? Well I just peed on his car" and just below "You know Doug? I just killed his cat."
And of course, Number of times I shook my head incredulously after talking to a particularly clueless student, then realized I was just as bad when I was one (only worse, as I never actually made it to a Career Fair): 6

In San Fran

2008-10-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hey. I'm in San Francisco until Sunday. Me no write until then. Peace out.

You say tomater, I say tomatermorts

2008-10-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, pretend you've never met the following individuals, you are about to call them, and you need to pronounce their names right. Ready, go:

Tonie

Sonae

Lakecia

Sotheavy

Genoveva

Chyr

These are some names I've had come through recently on resumes. Thanks to telemarketing the vast majority of Americans are immediately suspicious of any caller who doesn't know how to pronounce their name and are liable to hang-up/chew you out if you get it wrong, so when I call to set up an interview I have to be careful (though it is fun to hear the reaction of someone who has just chewed you out when you tell them you're an employer calling about their resume.)

And playing the last-name-interchange gambit (i.e. calling Adriexxahnnah Johnson's number and asking for 'Ms. Johnson' rather than 'Adriexxahnnah') is usually no good, as 1)you still sound like a telemarketer, and 2) you are likely to get the gender wrong (I just had interviews with a Cheyenne and a Kelcey, both of whom were men.)

I usually just resort to the mumbled name approximation, which hasn't failed me yet: 'Hi, is Pa(mumble over hard part)rigahah there?'

There you go. Another installment of Adventures in HR.

Memoirs of a scooter owner

2008-09-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's been about 2 years now since I bought Pepe' and joined the distinguished ranks of scooter ownership. My, how the time flies. I thought this was a good time to look back and review what I've learned since that fateful decision, both for my own amusement and for your edification.

By my pedestrian calculations, if Pepe' can last another year without needing any major repairs he will have paid for himself in gas money. $1900.
For whatever reason wives and mothers are solidly against motorcylces, but they're perfectly fine with scooters. Which is funny because the only difference between the two is the location of the motor and I'm just as likely to get pounded on my 50cc scooter as I am a 750cc motorcycle. I just won't be going as fast when it happens. This apparent disconnect in the female mind is due to the fact that scooters are perceived as being totally wimpy (more on this below).
Scooters are totally wimpy.
Let me rephrase that. Most scooters are totally wimpy. Many scooters are just as powerful and fast as the top motorcycles. Mine? I'll just say my wife frequently mistakes the sound of its motor for the neighbor's weed-whacker.
You can get the best parking anywhere when you have a scooter. It's like having a handicapped logo on your license plate, only better because you can park on walkways.
I haven't received this much simultaneous ridicule and admiration from people around me for a decision in my life since I was an LDS missionary. Really. Many people laugh at you. Many people tell you how smart you are. Many people laugh at you then later tell you how smart you are.
There are no other similarities between owning a scooter and being a missionary.
Along with the ridicule/admiration comment, the ratio of people who laugh at you versus the people who tell you how smart you are and how they wish they had a scooter decreases substantially when gas prices go up. I haven't been laughed at for about 7 months now, but I've had a dozen people tell me they want to get a scooter.
People in Cedar City are unaccostomed to sharing the road with motorcycles, scooters, and bicycles. These strange, alien conveyances confuse them and they are unsure whether the usual laws of the road apply when encountered with one. Because of this you must plan on getting cut-off, tailgated, and merged-into every time you turn on that ignition.
I really, really want one of those German WWI helmets with the spike on top to replace my current helment. And a cape.

All in all buying Pepe' was a very good decision. He's just about paid for himself in gas savings, is perfect for my daily home-work-home-work-home commute (I usually go home for lunch), can park anywhere, and is fun to ride. If anyone out there is thinking about getting a scooter I would definitely recommend it, provided you: are aware you probably won't be able to use it from December to February(unless you are in Cali); get at least a 150cc (you have to fork out $200 more and get your motorcycle license, but the extra power is worth it); and are secure in your self-image (One great thing about being married is you aren't as worried about being "cool" anymore. You don't have to impress anyone.)

In honor of 2 years of scooter-dom, here's the Scrubs "Ring of Fire" clip.

So how's your day been?

2008-09-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in the dentist's chair yesterday pondering on life while a stranger shoved her latex encased fingers into my mouth I came up with the following list:

Five People That Feel Obligated to Make Conversation Who I Wish Didn't

The Dental Assistant who is cleaning your teeth
Your Barber/Hair Stylist
The guy who is also waiting for his wife outside the women's restroom
Anyone who is about to try and sell you something
The Dentist himself

You will notice that two of these people are to be found at the dental office.

2008-09-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

I am now a believer

2008-09-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

BYU 59, UCLA 0

Wow. Just...wow.

UPDATE: As of the C State game, I no longer believe.

UPDATE 2: Utah just had their way with "Zion's College". I believe though. Believe they're grossly overrated.

NOTHER ONE UPDATE: Arizona?! Are you kidding me? We lost to Arizona?! I'm seriously rethinking suspending my BYU fanship. Some may say you can't do this. I say I can and will. In fact....there! I just did.

Job Searching Faux Pas number 4

2008-09-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Having your dad or wife check on the job for you.

These aren't uncommon: I get a call from someone asking about a particular job. After giving them all the background I begin to ask about their work experience when they say "Oh, it's not for me, it's for my husband. Um...can he come in for an interview?" Or the other variety: dad dragging his teenage kid into my office, telling me how he/she is a hard worker, would really like to work for our company, and that they (the parent) knows the wife of the brother of the CFO from the PTA while the kid stands silent and awkward in the corner gazing at my demotivation poster.

The logic behind both is ridiculous, of course. If the person won't take the initiative to talk to us themselves why should we think they'd have the initiative to actually do the job? I mean, when a wife is calling for her husband my immediate assumption is that the guy is sitting in the living room not 10 feet from her eating Funyuns, playing Madden 08, and wondering why his wife just can't accept him for who he is. With the teenager it's pretty much the same assumption, only swap Madden for Guitar Hero 2.

There's a place for people like that. It's called the public sector. Ba-Doom CHA!

(That was a joke. Only a joke. No angry e-mails please.)

Catching up with Mr. B

2008-09-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

My chance invoking of the name Mr. Belding from the dusty halls of pop culture past in a prior post made me a little curious, so I did a little research (about 3 minutes worth) to see what has happened to everyone's favorite high school principal.

The result? Apparently he has enjoyed his minor celebrity by drinking, ballooning into a Charles Barkleyesque girth, and posing in pictures at seedy bars for college students who remember a thinner, far less creepy Mr. B from their youth.

At least Screech will always have his innocence...

Oh yeah, and if you're going to run a Google image search on Mr. Belding I'd recommend having the family filter on. There are some images no kid brought up on Saved by the Bell should ever see.

Memorial Walk

2008-09-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from the Memorial Walk we put on last Friday. It was a great event and the response from the community was heartening. Everyone from the local banks to the media to SUU went out of their way to help us. It was a moving experience and I'm thankful I got to be a part of it.

CF - What we learned this weekend

2008-09-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

BYU isn't as good as people think (so far, anyway).
Utah is better than people think (so far, anyway).
The football leaving your hand during an unbridled moment of celebratory joy is grounds for harsh punishment in the NCAA, yet implementing a system of apartheid to segregate the college community into the privileged and the "lower class" is perfectly fine.
Notre Dame still sucks .
The most interesting team at the moment could have Long John Silver as their mascot.

Now I know some people are going to argue numbers 1 and 2, so let me explain:

Sure BYU is 2-0, but they struggled at home against a I-AA team and BARELY eeked out a win against Washington, a team that won 2 games last year, got blown out by Oregon last week (who is ranked lower than BYU), and they needed a ridiculous call and a bailout from the Angel of Blocked PAT's to pull it off.

Utah, meanwhile, pulls out a win against Michigan in the Big House and wins handily against UNLV.

If BYU takes UCLA next week, I'll get on the bandwagon. But if I had to guess who's going to have a more interesting season (based on what we've seen so far), I'd have to go with the Utes.

I'm Done

2008-09-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

So I've been following politics more in the past two years than any other time in my life. It hasn't been worth it. I thought about venting my angst in a post, but instead I happened upon this cartoon. It sums up my feelings pretty well.

If I write another post about politics this year I want you to punch me the next time you see me. Seriously. In the crotch.

Bad Job Search Advice

2008-09-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

One thing I've realized during my time as HR guy is that there are a lot of people out there giving job interview advice that really have no place being out there and giving job interview advice. Case in point:

A few days back a candidate shows up for his interview 40 minutes early. Now I'm used to people showing up way earlier than they need to, but 40 minutes is a record.

ME: Oh...(looking at clock) ...hi. I'm sorry, I thought we had the interview set for 2:00.

CANDIDATE: (Stands in doorway with an expectant look.) Yeah, we do.

ME: (brief pause) You're uh...early.

CANDIDATE: (Studies watch for a moment.) It's almost 1:30. (said in a manner that communicated 1:30 was the logical time to start a 2:00 interview)

Now, typically, when a candidate shows up early they'll apologize and ask if it's a good time. If I'm busy I'll ask them to come back later. If not I'll just go ahead and start it. Not being especially busy (and perhaps a little intrigued by his cavalier flaunting of cultural convention, though also slightly annoyed) I decide to bring him in.

The interview goes on. He's a nice guy, but far less qualified than our other candidates. I'm about to thank him for his time when:

CANDIDATE: Sorry I was a little early. But that's how you interview, right?

ME: What do you mean?

CANDIDATE: Well, Professor _____ (Name withheld not to protect the person's identity, but because I can't remember it. Frankly anyone who says something this stupid deserves public ridicule) in the business department told me that you are supposed to show up at least 30 minutes early for an interview so the secretary can have you sit down and take notes on everything you do. Then she gets with the interviewer afterwards and they compare notes. That's how you interview, right?

ME: (simultaneously flabbergasted and trying not to laugh) I'm sorry, who told you this?

CANDIDATE: The business department (nodding in the direction of SUU).

ME: Well, maybe that's how they did it 40 years ago, but not anymore. You can just show up...you know...at the actual interview time.

CANDIDATE: (looking slightly betrayed) Oh. Um...ok.

The lesson here? If your professor hasn't worked in the private sector since the Truman administration and he or she is giving you interview advice, don't listen. Just...don't listen. Put that Ipod on shuffle and just zone out for a while.

(note: I'm not sure what Mr. Belding has to do with this post, but I'm happy to see him up there just the same.)

I miss John McCain

2008-09-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

I try not to blog much about politics anymore since it's a sensitive issue and a sure fire way to tick people off, but I have to get this out.

Whatever happened to John McCain? Remember the guy who expressed outrage over the smear job the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth did on John Kerry? Remember the guy who cared more about getting positive legislation passed than petty partisan politics? The guy who had no problem doing what was right even if it meant rankling his fellow Repubs?

I miss that man. He probably would have made a good president.

I was wrong

2008-08-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

I was wrong. Apparently John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Veep, not me. Oh well.
And can I just say good for him? Because basing your entire campaign strategy on convincing people your opponent isn't experienced enough, then turning around and picking someone with even LESS experience as your number 2 takes a lot of cajones. Especially when you are closer to death than any other presidential contender in the last 100 years. Hats off to you Johnny Mac.

From what I've read about Palin I like her: She's the mother of 5, played high school basketball, isn't afraid to stand up to the oil industry (even though her husband is in it), looks kind of like Daphne from Frasier, and as a schoolgirl regularly woke up at 3:00 AM to hunt moose with her father. This is outstanding.

So even though it's an obvious gimmick choice from a desperate McCain (Hey, look! We're not all old white men either! We have women and minorities too! Vote Republican!), I like it. I don't think it will work, but I like it. If for nothing more than the moose hunting thing.

Men in Black

2008-08-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

So men in black suits with sunglasses and ear pieces have been walking around the perimeter of our building today, gazing suspiciously at employees and passing college students. Which can only mean one thing: John McCain is finally coming over here to ask me to be his VP.

That or the Secretary of Health and Human Services is dropping by to say hi to the fam. One of those.

Memorial Walk

2008-08-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Work has been a little different this week. It's been harder for everyone to focus on the normal job stuff.

Me and a couple other people have put together a memorial walk for the families of the victims of the plane crash. It will be next Friday from 5:30 to 7:30 at the Canyon Park Trail in Cedar. Anyone who reads this from the Cedar/St. George area and who can make it please help get the word out. Tonight the governor of Utah, Elder Snow (one of the General Authorities of the LDS Church), and Dane Leavitt will be speaking at a community gathering at SUU of around 5,000 people and will announce it for us. We're also working with the local papers and business networks. The mayor has been great and is supporting us. We were hoping to get 200-300 people there, but it's looking like we may get up to 1,000.

I guess the hardest part about something like this is that you want to help but you don't know what you can do. Though it may not be much, it feels good to at least be doing something.

Plane Crash

2008-08-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last Friday our company plane crashed just outside of Moab. 10 people died, including the pilot who, in addition to flying the company planes, also worked part-time as an I.T. Tech for us. The other 9 people were the staff of a local dermatology office who rented out the plane every month to reach clients in Moab. The cause of the crash is still unknown. Seeing as there was no blackbox, eye-witnesses, or survivors it doesn't look like we will ever know.

I still can't believe this. The pilot's name was David White. I talked with him at his cubicle not a day or two before the crash. Even joked around with him for slacking off in our fitness program.

I've flown with him in the very same plane that is now nothing more than a mass of charred metal. The first time I was in the co-pilots seat and he showed me what all the instruments did and talked about how much he loved flying. I even asked him about his craziest flying stories and he told me about one of his engines going out and having to land on a narrow stretch of I-15 just north of St. George. He was a great pilot and an amazing person. Now he's gone and his wife and four kids are without a husband and father.

Life can change pretty fast.

These, too, are also funny

2008-08-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

This is despicable...and funny

2008-08-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

I think most of us have seen the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly: The good wife's guide by now (if not, click here). Here's an article along that same vein that another HR guy sent to me. This was written back in WWII when businesses were having to deal with the labor shortage from the draft and is ripe with just as much condescension, misogyny, cluelessness, and unintentional comedy as The Good Wife's guide (particularly number 3).

The funny part is that in my recruiting experience women generally make better employees than men (in the office setting, anyway), as men often refuse to do certain tasks and are constantly in competition with each other.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven't previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.

In Memoriam: Brett Favre's Legacy

2008-08-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

This is to officially honor the passing of the man we would have remembered Brett Favre as: a rugged, exuberant, talented Super Bowl champion who was the face of one of the most historied NFL teams for over a decade.

Instead that man has been replaced by a flaky, indecisive semi-diva who lost his touch years ago, throws as many interceptions as touchdowns, and struggles over career decisions the same way old people struggle with deciding what to order at Panda Express.

RIP, old Brett Favre.

Why I Love the Gov'ment, episode 2

2008-08-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

So I got another gem for you:

As HR guy I am told by the government not to ask job candidates or employees about race, gender, sexual orientation, age, ethnic background, religion, etc., as those things are unrelated to job performance. Yet as HR guy I am also told by the government to submit an annual EEO-1 report that lists, you guessed it, race, gender, age, etc. of each employee and job candidate.

Now how am I supposed to do that for 1600 people without asking them? Seriously, how? If I didn't know any better, I would almost think congress passes laws without considering the impact those laws will have on actual people.

It's amazing to me that, as a country, we want to forget about race, age, and other superficial differences, yet these differences are continually thrust in our faces by the people claiming to keep them away.

Resume Foibles, Part Deux

2008-07-31T14:57:00.000-07:00

This one just came in:

References:

Sam Hopkins
Personal Reference
702-983-7763

Debbie New-Last-Name
Academic Reference
202-I-(heart)-DANCING

Name of Boss
Professional Reference
353-888-PHYSICS

Those were the references this individual sent in*. The second reference is apparently a Ms. Debbie New-Last-Name, and her phone number actually has the heart symbol in it (I couldn't get a heart symbol on Blogger.com to show you, but it's there in the resume). How do you dial heart symbol?

Then the last reference is "Name of Boss".

This is spectacular.

Now it's obvious that this individual used some sort of template for the resume, didn't know certain information, planned on coming back once he/she found out (i.e. the dance instructor's married name), and simply forgot. I can't help but think, though - if you don't remember your previous boss' name, do you really want to use them as a reference?

This is why you really should proofread your resume. Becaue you don't want a potential employer to "think of you as a work-alcoholic" who is also "a rabid typist" with a reference named "Name of Boss". You just don't.

*Obviously I've replaced names and the numbers in the phone numbers. Though by all means, call 202-I-Heart-Dancing and see what you get. I believe it is in the D.C. area, they have a wide selection of costumes and there are frequent Kevin Bacon/Mario Lopez sightings.

Resume Foibles

2008-07-29T15:08:00.001-07:00

A big part of my job is going through resumes. I went through about 60 resumes yesterday and about 40 today. You know how your mind tends to shift into a hypnotic doze when you're driving along the freeway for hours at a time, snapping out only when something strange goes wizzing by, like a car crash or someone mooning you? Well, going through resumes is a bit like that: extended periods of languid stupor, broken up every now and then by the occasional oddity.

So here you go. The following are the metaphoric car crashes and drive-by moonings I've encountered in my journey down the Resume Highway:

Qualifications:

Dependable, Punctual, and Very Hard-Working. In fact, many people consider me to be a work-alcoholic.

Sorry, we're happy with our current work-alcoholic.

hello how are u? i am a people person. i love to smile,and greet everyone.i truly love people, and would like a chance to learn the business and grow in this business.i will be looking forward to hearing from you soon.

I'm not kidding, that's the actual resume someone sent me. Not the cover letter, but the resume. I'm just glad she had the time to text it in from the back of her friend's Jetta on the way to the Hannah Montana concert.

Attributes:

I am very techno-savvy.

Oh good, because we've just had an opening in the Accounting/Depeche Mode-Related Marketing Department.

Experiance

Unfortunatly I dont have any real experiance with this. Other than work I have done for school, and the bussnise cards I created for Hansen Electric.

That was also in a resume under the 'Work Experience' section. Though at least he admitted he didn't have experience; most people wait until the interview to let that out. There's a reason we have spell check though.

And my personal favorite (which happens on a surprising amount of resumes):

I am a very dependable, responsible, and hard-working person.

Then they go on to list the 14 jobs they have had in the last 6 years and tell you the reason they left each one was "office politics".

And some I've never come across personally, but apparently other recruiters have:

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.

I am very debail oriented.

Those "Getting to Know You" Lists

2008-07-22T09:41:00.001-07:00

So I've gotten a few of those "Get to know you" lists lately. I've got no problem with these lists, I just think they could ask more interesting questions. This made me think, "why don't I come up with my own list?" So I did.

Here are 15 questions I came up with off the top of my head that I feel constitute a more interesting "Get to know you" list. I'll answer them this afternoon. You should too. And then send them to me.

UPDATE: Put my answers in. For the third time.

When is the last time you vomited, and what is your longest no-puke streak?

Maybe 4 months ago. Didn't properly reheat some food. Still can't think about sausage gumbo without shuddering. Oohh, just did it again. Longest streak is only about 4 years, which pales in comparison to many I've heard. Please everyone, put me in my place.

If you could punch one celebrity in the face with no repercussions, who would it be?

Shia Le'Beouf

Who would win in a fight and why: Michelle Obama or Richard Simmons, if Richard Simmons was sufficiently riled up and armed with a machete and three road flares?

I'm going with Obama. She would charge Mr. Simmons, who would get a good whack or two in before getting thrown to the ground. Obama would overpower him and forego the dropped machete to strangle him with her bare hands. I don't see Simmons making proper use of the flares (i.e. attempting to burn Obama's eyes out), and had probably tried throwing them at her (unlit) during her charge. Obama: two or three major cuts on her arm, a deep scratch on her right cheek, Simmons: dead.

Now that I think of it, this still isn't a very fair fight, even with the machete. Better give Simmons a trained puma as well. Or a lemur.

What is one thing you wouldn’t confess to your parents, yet have no problem letting thousands of faceless strangers and partial acquaintances on the internet know?

After my mission I met a girl and left college for about 4 months to live in Puerto Rico.

How many times have you used cell-phone issues (bad reception, no minutes, low battery, etc.) as an excuse, when in reality you just didn’t want to talk to the person?

None. Though I've done it with other phones.

On your way home from work you stop by the local automated car wash. After the sudsy scrub, wash, and wax phases the giant blue drying curtains pull back and you emerge, not out of the other side of the car wash, but into Disneyland. Do you: A) pause to investigate this astonishing aberration of reason and dimensional physics, or B) get in line for Space Mountain.

A, but on the way to B.

Are you filling this out at work?

Yes. In fact, I wrote all the questions at work too.

If yes, how much time would it actually take you to finish your average day’s work if you were allowed to go home as soon as you were done?

4 hours. Tops.

You find an uneaten éclair at the top of the garbage bin, virtually untouched by the filth around it. No one is around. You are hungry and it looks very good. Do you eat it?

Yes. In fact, I probably would even if someone was around. That's the way I roll.

Have you ever flipped someone off while driving?

I don't think so, though I have mooned a few people. Once while going 85 mph.

It’s just a typical day. You get into your car to head to work. As you reach for your seat belt, you are astonished to find that, in addition to a kickin’ set of mirror dice, your car has also been fitted with a flux capacitor and a time-date coordinate computer. As you hit 88 mph you find yourself in the neighborhood you grew up in and your 12 year-old self is standing next to the car. What 2 pieces of advice do you give your 12 year-old self that could potentially change the course of your life (before taking off for 2020 to stand in line for the latest, almost-operable iPhone)?

1- If you want to be happy, think of others more than yourself,
2- Invest in Microsoft. And later Apple.

If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or having Mad Cow disease, which would you choose?

Top scientist.

Oh good, I was worried you’d pick the Mad Cow.

Me too.

List 2 things you know you should do but you’ve managed to convince yourself you’re too busy to do them:

1. Keeping up on my Japanese.
2. Hometeaching.

What is the last all-out lie you've told?

The answer to number 4.

As you sit in Bahama Breeze restaurant contemplating the great truths of the universe, you suddenly realize that the coconut shrimp appetizer in front of you is actually a metaphor for your life; the way the different strands of the basket holding the shrimp weave in and out, interlocking with one another like the different friends that have come in and out of your life, how each individual shrimp represents a different period of your childhood and adolescence—some bigger, tastier, and more desirable, others harder, crustier, yet every bit as important in your growth and in making you who you are today, how the contrasting flavors of the pineapple and cocktail dipping sauces symbolize the contrasting personalities and parental styles of your mother and father, who have left distinct, indelible marks on your psyche just as the sweet, delicate taste of pineapple and the bold, robust flavor of tomato and horseradish leave distinct, lingering marks on one's tongue...then the waitress comes and snaps you out of your reverie.

Do you order the Beef Kabobs, Mahi-Mahi, or Surf and Turf?

Surf and Turf.

I was being facetious, part II

2008-07-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

A while ago I wrote about how I tend to say ridiculous things jokingly, only people don't always realize I'm joking. I even gave a few examples.

Well, today I unwittingly called the CEO a fascist dictator in front of the entire company.

That one's going to be hard to beat.

Wipeout update

2008-07-11T10:05:00.001-07:00

Well, discrimination is alive and well in this country. After looking into being on Wipeout I found out you have to be a resident of California.

And I thought we had come so far as a society...

Oh well. Jen, I'm pulling for you and your hubby to get on it, if only so I can live vicariously through you.

That Wipeout Show

2008-07-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

My new goal in life is to be on this show. I don't care about the money. I just want to do all the fun stuff.

Chicago / Minnesota Trip

2008-07-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

Chicago was awesome. As was Minnesota. You know what isn't awesome? Going back to work after a week of awesome. Oh well. Here're a few pickies.

Me, wife, city.

We loved Chicago. We had a great hotel about a block from Lake Michigan and right in the middle of the shopping and entertainment district. I went for a Society of Human Resource Management conference so I was gone for a good part of the three days we were there, but we still got out and saw quite a bit.

The conference was at the McCormick Place. This is a picture of the carpet in the McCormick Place. Let me show you pictures of the carpet in two other convention centers I've visited recently and see if you have the same question come to your mind that I had:

The Las Vegas Convention Center...

And the Salt Palace in Salt Lake City.

Did you get it? Are you asking: Why do they decide to build a facility that costs hundreds of millions of dollars (a billion in the case of McCormick Place) then put the ugliest carpet imaginable in there? Really, what's with this? Is there some unwritten rule, some clandestine agreement (or competition even) between cities as to who can get the ugliest carpet in their convention centers? Maybe in the 70's or 80's this would have been justifiable, but that picture of the Salt Palace is of a current remodeling. In other words, they're putting that vomit down ON PURPOSE.

Now I'm no interior designer, but here are five color recommendations just off the top of my head that I am positive would have been better:

Blue
Green
Tan
Gray
Chartuse

Also, Batman Symbol.

Ok, enough about carpet. I'm here to talk about Chicaaaago. Here's Amy at the beach just a couple blocks from the hotel. They have an awesome boardwalk that stretches for about 12 miles up and down Lake Michigan's coast. It's a cool beach: sand and immense body of water on one side, skyscrapers and cityscape on the other.

Different beach, different day.

This is the Shedd Aquarium, a huge place right on the lake that numerous people told us we had to go see. It didn't disappoint. The beluga whale did, however, as it didn't body slam one seal the whole time we were there. Shamu is shaking his giant, shiny head.

Um...I'm not sure how to explain this picture. They have a statue in front of the aquarium called Man and Fish. It depicts a man either holding, hugging, or slow dancing with a fish. I did what I thought was appropriate.

Best part of the Chicago trip? CUBS GAME. Here's me in the obligatory Yourself-in-Front-of-the-Wrigley-Field-Sign shot.

I'm going to see if I can't photoshop it to say "Save Ferris" instead of "Join past and present Cubs players at blah blah blah".

The game was awesome. I've been a Cubs fan since I was about 11, when I got my first Donruss 88 Rated Rookie Mark Grace baseball card (and before I knew their tortured past/present/likely future), so coming here was a great experience. Really, the history, the fans, the building itself (second oldest park in the Major League, just after Fenway) made it one of the greatest sports experiences of my life.

This is a vid of the seventh inning stretch where everyone sings "Take Me Out to the Ball-Game". My only regret is that there wasn't an irrascible, mildly inebriated Harry Caray there to lead it.

This is a 3-run homerun in the bottom of the seventh. I can't remember who hit it. The Cubs were down 7-1 just before this, but rallied back to 7-5. Then they blew a bases-loaded, no out bottom of the ninth at the top of their order to lose the game. Oh well. It was still awesome.

And can I just say, Cubs fans are amazing. Makes even the rabid Jazz fans at the Delta Center fans (that's right, I refuse to call it the ESA) seem languid by comparison. Though I'm sure the fact that 4 out of 5 people there are plastered has something to do with that.

Post game when you can sit in the rich people seats. After this game the Cubs went on a 6-game losing streak after having the best record in baseball. Part of me is convinced that I somehow jinxed them.

From Chicago we took a two-day jaunt over to Minneapolis to see Amy's brother Dave and his wife Alli. They were nice enough to endure the usual tourist destinations for us. One of which was...

SPACE ALIENS. That's right, Space Aliens, the best Alien-themed bar and grill this side of the currently overflowing Mississippi. Now, you're probably thinking that an Alien-themed bar and grill filled with ticket-redemption arcade games is weird and a little quirky. And you're right. That was what was so fun about it. Good food too.

Look at the little guy. All tuckered out.

Remember hearing about a large, metropolitan bridge spontaneously collapsing for no apparent reason and killing people a while back? This is the portion of freeway parallel to that bridge, the part that didn't collapse. Not a great pic, but see that big space where the river shows through? That should be a road.

I didn't know this, but my wife is a Dart Shark. Sure, she acts like she doesn't know what she's doing; will even bounce a few darts off the monitor and the walls to create the illusion of novice-ness, but truthfully? She's a killer. I think we played 5 games and she won 4 of them, including an astonishing 13, 18, and bulls-eye set to clear the rest of us out in 301.

Of all the tense moments of the trip: walking through Chicago around midnight, the taxi cab that slammed into the back of a minivan not 10 feet away from us the day before, the Cubs dropping a bases-loaded, no-out bottom of the ninth to the Orioles -- this was actually the scariest.

This is me in a stall in the men's restroom of the Minneapolis Airport. Just as I realized where I was, I saw a man's black, wing-tipped dress shoe in the stall next to me. I'm not kidding, I was legitimately scared. Not so scared I couldn't get a pic for my loyal blog-readers though.

If you don't know why this would be scary, google United States Senator, bathroom, and Minneapolis Airport. Or just click on the link.

The aforementioned Dave and Alli with their kids Adam and Emily.

Lest you think the only sights in Minneapolis have to do with Alien-themed restaurants, our nation's crumbling infrastructure, or the sordid sexual habits of our noble politicians, I am adding this short vid of the neighborhood we stayed in. Minnesota was great. Very open, very green, very fun place. Definitely on our short list of Places We'd Like To Live. It was also great to see Dave and Alli, who are fun to hang out with.

Next trip? Possibly San Francisco in October. It's easier to get through the monotony of office life if I know there's a trip coming up. In the mean time I think Sorro should start putting together a "Convention Center Carpets Across the World" collage to test my theory, as he is the best-traveled person I know.

I'm not at all ashamed to admit this

2008-07-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

In the midst of an inexplicable and unprecedented wave of 90's music nostalgia (while at work nonetheless; I have no idea where it came from) I downloaded that old PM Dawn song Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, have listened to it over 20 times and am STILL not sick of it.

Which is more than I can say for C+C Music Factory's Gonna Make You Sweat.

The results are in...

2008-07-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

And it's NOT twins.

I have to say, though I was excited at the possiblity of twins, I exhaled in relief upon seeing just one baby in there, a baby whose gender is still unknown (We'll find out in two weeks). I'm pulling for a boy.

Ja ne.

???

2008-07-01T10:07:00.001-07:00

We're back from the Chicago trip. I'll get some pics up in a little bit. In the mean time there is an interesting, potentially life-altering development: We just got back from a doctor's appointment and she wants us to come in for an early ultrasound because apparently "we're measuring big".

Which means we may be having twins.

Which means the carefree, relatively simple life I have known as the father of only one kid may come to an end.

We'll find out in the morning.

Oh yeah, and we're pregnant again. Don't know if I mentioned that.

Going to Chicaaago

2008-06-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. We're going on a week vacation/work trip to Chicago tomorrow. That isn't the reason for my not blogging much lately though. That would be sheer laziness.

Anyways, 7 days, me and the wife, no baby, downtown Chicago, Cubs game on Tuesday, side trip to Michigan, fun, fun, fun. I'll do a couple posts if we get the chance. Peace out.

Uh-oh

2008-06-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

As if to confirm yesterday's post, I log on to espn.com this morning to find this:

Donaghy: Refs Altered Playoff Games

Suddenly baseball's steroids scandal isn't looking so bad...

Lakers, Celts, and the Evil Puppet-Master

2008-06-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Let me first say that I'm loving these NBA Finals. Really. I'm completely psyched about them. I mean, a Lakers - Celtics match up. Feels like I'm a kid wearing pegged Guess jeans and watching Duck Tales all over again.

Lakers - Celtics. KG and Kobe. There's an excitement there that comes only rarely in sports, an excitement that comes with the knowledge that what you are watching is a special moment. The last time I felt this excitement?

McGuire and Sosa racing to beat Maris' home run record.

And we all know how that turned out. (If you don't, google 'McGuire and steroids')

And this is what scares me about Lakers - Celtics 2008. It's a little too similar to the McGuire and Sosa era. Was Lakers-Celts entirely fabricated too? Helped along, like McGuire's home runs, by some artificial outside power that has no place in sports?

Think about it. The NBA is coming off years of substandard Finals performances (Cavs, Pistons, Spurs, yikes) abominable officiating, image problems, the inequality of the conferences, and one of the worst scandals in league history (Tim Donaghey, who is only brought up now to bring up how he's not brought up anymore) and suddenly, inexplicably, the two marquee franchises who make up the biggest rivalry in sports get ridiculous trades that immediately make them serious contenders, thus redirecting the public's attention from the corruption and other problems while bringing in millions in revenue and reviving the league. No one finds that suspicious?

Let me clarify. I don't think the NBA rigged games to get these two in the Finals. I think they rigged trades. Or at least looked the other way when GM's with conflicting loyalties made astoundingly stupid trades.

How else do you explain the Lakers getting Gasol from Memphis for what they did? Or even the Celtics getting KG and Pierce? If you don't follow sports, these trades were like going to a car dealership to trade in your old Dodge Neon and coming out with a Lexus, $5,000, and tickets to the Superbowl. There's no way these trades pass in a fantasy league, yet the NBA is ok with them? Bill Simmons made a great point about this, saying that if the Spurs or Suns (or even the Jazz) had made such a trade there would have been rioting, but since it was the Lakers and Celts and it helps out the league (just like McGuire/Sosa chasing the Maris record was 'good for the league') we don't have a problem with it.

Messed up.

So that's my conspiracy theory for the day. Once the Finals are over we should look into it. But not until they're over, because this is just too good.

Got to give it to pro-wrestling. At least they'll admit their plotlines are contrived.

Weezer Pork and Beans

2008-06-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

I like Weezer, I like parodies, and I like viral videos. Therefore, I love this video.

(Best part: the Chris McCandles hug)

The Best Thing that has Happened to me Today

2008-06-03T10:21:00.001-07:00

So I'm doing my usual morning trudge through the day's resumes, eyes glazing over as I scan line after line of info like "Office Development Manager - Responsible for management of 15 person title insurance office" or, "Wal-Mart Associate - Oversaw stocking and distribution of diversity of breads" when, from out of nowhere, the following gem bursts forth causing me to rotflmao:

Experience:
2003-2007 _Oscar Mayer - Public Relations_

Promote Oscar Mayer as goodwill ambassador throughout country in Wienermobile

That's right, this person spent the last 4 years promoting Oscar Mayer throughout the country as a goodwill ambassador in the Wienermobile.

Now, that's funny on a number of levels. First, the fact that Oscar Mayer actually pays people to drive around in a car shaped like a giant hot dog and speak to the public. Second, their attempt to dignify the practice by calling the people in those giant hot dogs "Goodwill Ambassadors", and third, the fact that this guy has successfully incorporated the word "Wienermobile" in a professional resume.

I love it.

And yes, this is the type of thing that qualifies as interesting at my job. So that gives you some idea of what my days are like.

Chuck Wagon and Stu Jackson

2008-05-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of the quote to the right is the fact that Charles Barkley is criticizing fat people. Somehow he fails to see the irony in a 350-pound ex-athlete going off on "people who don't work out and can't stop eating". That's like Hillary Clinton criticizing someone for being a selfish, delusional prima donna. Ba-DOOM CHA!

(Sorry for offending any Hillary supporters out there. Though, of the four people who actually read my blog I can only see one person who may have been offended.)

And while we're on basketball - I must say I've had the rare sensation of actually being impressed with the NBA front office over the last two days. First they announce they will begin fining players for flopping next year (they'll make enough off of Manu Ginobli alone to finance the WNBA for another 4 years), then they come out today and actually admit that they blew the call at the end of the Lakers-Spurs game.

Wow. I'm speechless. It's as if David Stern and Stu Jackson sat down for a planning meeting a week ago and said, "You know, what if we did something that didn't alienate and disaffect our fans? I mean, I know our current strategy has been working well, but why not change things up a bit?"

If they keep this up, we may actually see the best 16 teams play in the playoffs someday. On second thought, nah.

An observation I had at work the other day that will, if nothing else, help you see how dull the office can be...

2008-05-23T13:39:00.001-07:00

After going an entire lifetime and not coming across the name, I've had two people named "Ren" apply for jobs within the same week*.

*Cartoon Chihuahua's don't count. Because I know that's where Mister J, Sidwello, and possibly Sorro were going.

The Old Timers Club

2008-05-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Can I just say, despite a moderate level of excitement for the new Indiana Jones movie, I'm deeply sorry to see Harrison Ford join the ranks of Once Famous Action Superstar Trying to Resurrect a Franchise Despite Soggy Man Boobs (or OIFA, as they are known on the NYSE)

You know what I'm talking about: Arnold's offering was Terminator 3, Bruce Willis joined with Live Free or Die Hard, Stallone is the current president of OIFA with his shameless dredging up of both the Rocky AND Rambo franchises within a year of each other, and with Harrison Ford has now officially joined the club with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If Mel Gibson dons the leathers for another run at Mad Max, we may need to get Congress involved.

I had always hoped Ford would not go there. I mean, Sly I can see, but I always figured Ford had too much dignity for it. I also don't see what is left for Indiana Jones to do, since he is ostensibly immortal after finding the Holy Grail at the end of the last movie. How do you top that?

By centering the plot around an obscure artifact from a civilization most of the world isn't familiar with, apparently. Is it just me or is this a little too similar to "Temple of Doom"?

The thing is you tarnish your legacy when you do this. Like when Michael Jordan came back for the 3rd time to play with the Wizards. You just need to walk away. Showing up in less than the full glory we remember you in takes away from your mystique.

Tell you what, if I ever become an immensely famous action hero, I will refuse to play an action role once I'm over 50. You have my word on that.

Interview

2008-05-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I interviewed a guy who I had once seen hypnotized at a hypnotist show during my college years.

Let me tell you - it's not easy to keep a straight face in an interview while memories of the candidate wafting his arms gently up and down like an octopus and addressing the crowd in an arcane alien dialect go through your mind. And I was almost able to.

Almost.

In Memorium: Jazz 07-08 Season

2008-05-19T13:37:00.001-07:00

I was going to write a post about the Jazz's recent demise, but I felt my feelings about game six can best be expressed through Hiaku:

Rally from twelve down

Bricks of thunder shatter hope

Tears fall like Spring rain

Salt Lake Half-Marathon

2008-05-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

I know, I don't blog much anymore. I'm doing some writing on the side again and I've noticed when I'm doing that I don't blog nearly as much.

Anyways, not a whole lot going on at the moment (at least nothing I can blog about). We're looking at selling our house, I've got about 15 different jobs to fill at work, the Jazz pulled a turd for the ages in game 5, and I'm so sick of hearing about the Democratic nomination I've momentarily banned the news media from my life. That's what's going on in my life.

How are you? Good? Good.

A couple weeks ago a buddy and I ran the Salt Lake Half-Marathon, which was actually a lot of fun despite a crippling case of morning diarrhea. I'll try to dig up a pic of that for you. In the meantime, here're some other pics.

I haven't been one for distance running and did it just to see what it'd be like and ended up liking it quite a bit. The race starts at Legacy Bridge up at the U, winds through Salt Lake nieghborhoods, then ends at Gateway.

If you look really close, right there at the back towards the middle, you will see a little dot next to another dot. That's me.

The guy who won it. That's not me, if you weren't sure.

Basically he ran 26 miles in the same amount of time it took me to run 13. I'm not upset though--his shoes are clearly better than mine.

A huge crowd gathered at Gateway for the finish.

Mom, Jim, me, crowd.

Me, the tot (we can't call Katie 'the baby' anymore, so now she's 'the tot'), and Bret. After the race we went and ate at Denny's. It was the best Moons Over My Hammy any human has ever consumed EVER.

With .003 percent of precincts reporting...

2008-04-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

So the polls are closing right about now across Pennsylvania. In a few minutes all the news networks will begin their coverage, somehow stretching a 10 second statement of where the polls currently stand into a solid 7 hours of talking, speculating, and exhaustive bloviation.

Here's my prediction: Hillary by 8 points, another 2 months of gloom and despair for the deadlocked dems, and my disdain and disgust for the American political system reaching an all-time high.

Luckily there are the NBA playoffs, in my mind a far more exciting, productive, and yes, even taking referees working for the mob into account, honest contest. Here're my pics (Eastern D-League Teams not included):

LA in 6
NO in 7
PHO in 7
UT in 6 (I made this pick before games 1 and 2, so I gots to stick to it)

Boston out of the East.

Finals: Suns and Boston. Boston wins.

Breaking News...

2008-04-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

I just made $20 for drinking a cup of Coke with fermented gummy bears in it.

Other than that it's been a pretty slow day at work.

The Dentist

2008-03-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the dentist's office for a checkup and my teeth and gums have that healthy, pulsating, fresh feeling. The inflammation tells you your teeth are clean!

I think it's good to go to the dentist every once in a while. It reminds you of how good life is when someone isn't jamming a steel hook into one of the most sensitive areas of your body.

And speaking of double-standards, I love the one most physicians and dentists pull on you: If you are more than 15 minutes late your appointment will be cancelled and you will be charged a $75 fee.

Yeah, how many times do you find yourself actually meeting with the doctor or dentist within the first 15 minutes after your arrival? Don't you hang out in the waiting room for at least 30, trying to convince yourself to be interested in that 3 year-old copy of Field & Stream or Better Homes and Gardens? At my last doctor's appointment I waited an hour and a half before seeing the all powerful Oz. Yet if I had shown up 15 minutes late, I'd have deserved punishment.

So how can they make it up to you? I know it's unreasonable to expect them to pay you $75, but maybe they could cancel the co-pay, or at least let you play around with that cool metal water and air gun they have.

That's all I'm asking.

Showing up late for an interview

2008-03-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

So if I send a job applicant to one of the managers and that applicant shows up late for their interview, that's major points docked off them right? I mean, you gotta be on time, be punctual, reliable. Such blatant disrespect for other people's time shows they aren't a responsible employee. Tardiness won't be accepted, Costanza, not in this organization!

This is the mindset of nearly all managers, VPs, and supervisors, and rightfully so. Which is why I am constantly amazed at how many of them show up late for their interviews (or even forget about them altogether). I'll arrange with them a time to meet with the finalist for the job they've asked me to fill, confirm that time with them, remind them of it, that candidate will drive for an hour and completely rearrange their schedule to be here, and then when I bring them up to their office I find it dark and empty. Just this morning I actually had to call a manager at home and remind her she had someone waiting to meet with her.

In other words, if you show up 10 minutes late for your interview it's evidence that you don't respect other people's time and lack professionalism. But if I show up 30 minutes late, it doesn't mean that.

This is one of the many management double standards I've noticed in the workplace. Some of the others are cell phone use, showing up late for meetings, and coming to work late/leaving early.

The Onion on Campaigning

2008-03-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

I've given this a lot of thought, looked deep inside my heart and....YES. I do like The Onion more than the real news.

Thank you Cheeth for introducing it to me via the Jewish Elders Lift 6,000 Year Ham Ban article lo these many years ago

Mysterious Traveler Enters Town With Utopian Vision of the Future

Name Dropping

2008-03-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

Quite a few people drop names in interviews, hoping to get an "in" because they know a member of the family that owns the company. And when that family is relatively large and has inhabited the area for over a hundred years, you get quite a few nephews of the founder's best friend or second-cousins on the mother's side hoping to cash in on their obscure relation to score some points with the HR guy.

But I just had by far the most random, obscure, entertaining one yet.

"My stepson's sister-in-law is the daughter of the sister of the CEO's wife."

I'm pretty sure that's what the connection was, anyways. It was kind of hard to follow. At any rate, it was the first time I've had someone try to make a claim to the company through their child, let alone a stepchild.

The best part was that he followed it with:

"So I don't know if that helps me out or not," and just left it hanging...

The whole name dropping thing is ridiculous, really. The best way to get a job, believe it or not, is to actually be qualified for it. Which this guy wasn't. Amazing how many people seem to miss that.

That's our Jazz...

2008-03-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

"We're number one! Oh, unless we're playing against a really, really crappy team."

Gotta love the Jazz. They pull out wins against the toughest teams in the league (Dallas, Phoenix, Detroit, Denver)...then get blown out by the worst teams like the Clippers and Chicago. If you don't follow basketball, that's like America winning wars against China, Russia, terrorism, and drugs...then getting trounced by Ecuador.

Ok, I took a little liberty with that metaphor, but still...

The Jazz are so upredictable that I'm more worried to see bottom dwellers like the Knicks, Seattle, and Milwaukee coming up on their schedule than I am for the Lakers, Celts, and San Antonio. Here's hoping we don't play the Cavs if we make it to the Finals; they're crappy enough to absolutely wipe the floor with us.

Obama vs. Clinton

2008-03-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/03/10/dems.campaign/index.html

Is there any way the Democratic nomination doesn't end in an absolute trainwreck? I mean, is there even the faintest possibility at this point that the Dems aren't headed for a disaster of epic proportions?

Between the Florida and Michigan debacle, the oligarchy that is the superdelegate system (you got to love the irony and abject hypocrisy of a political party who claims to champion the common people, yet bestows a select handful of their "elite" members with the power to override the collective will of those people), Bill and Hill willing to say or do anything it takes to win, the press having nothing better to talk about for the next 9 months, and a confusing, antiquated primary/caucus system, I don't see how the Dems come out of this without major egg on their face (or at least a black eye as big as the Straight Talk Express.)

Let me just say here that I am pulling for Obama. I expect Hill to win though. Not because it will be the will of the people or because she's the better candidate, but simply because the system isn't designed to comply with the will of the people or to choose the better candidate.

Which means by the time this whole fiasco is over with (should be sometime in August; please shoot me now) it will be Hillary vs. McCain. By that time all the independents and people who had hopes for the new type of politics embodied by Obama will be so disgusted with the system they will either go back to not caring about politics or vote for McCain. I plan on doing the latter.

So here's to Colonel Mustard/Veep Yet to be Named in 08!

This is fantastic

2008-03-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

This is one of the best blogs I've seen in a long time. I heard about it on NPR (which, incidentally, is number 44 on the list). It's geared more towards the yuppie type, but is still very funny and insightful. I would recommend "Graduate School", "Japan", and "Threatening to move to Canada".

It's also very entertaining to read the responses of readers, many of whom don't quite grasp that it's satire. The man who writes the blog is in fact, white.

Office Pranks

2008-02-28T09:15:00.000-08:00

The Stapler in the Jelly bit from The Office, UK version

That last post got me thinking about the various pranks I've done/seen/had done to me since my birth into the corporate world. I think office pranks play a very important role in the life of an office worker. They are an outlet, a lifeline, the one way you can rise above the deadening stupor of cubicles, e-mails, and spreadsheets and retain some measure of sanity and humanity.

So here is a list of the best pranks I've seen in the four years since I've been Officed:

Remote Flatulence

My first assistant (not your bro, Cheeth, but his predecessor) had glorious stories of pranks he pulled at his previous job, pranks involving trip wires, buckets of water, and an automatic tennis ball shooting machine. He also had a remote controlled farting device. If you haven't seen one of these, it's a small, flat speaker about the size of your hand with a remote as big as a car alarm keychain. Pretty simple: you press the button and the speaker emitted an incredibly realistic and loud fluffy ("a real Bronx cheer!").

So we hid said device in various offices around the building, hid around the corner, then set it off whenever someone walked by. I'm giddy just thinking about the laughs we had. We soon found the best way to hide it was to remove the upholstery on the underside of the chair (not that hard, you just pull out the staples, stick that little beauty in there, then put them back in with no permanent damage). The funniest part of this period was when we hid it under the intern director (and son-in-law of the CEO's) chair and the remote started malfunctioning, setting it off at frequent random

Autospell

A few people did this to me. It's pretty simple but funny if the person doesn't know the inner workings of the Autospell function. Basically you go into Word options and change around the Autospell words to write something completely different when the person begins to type a word. For instance, when I typed in "you" it would automatically change the word to "diapers". "Go" would give me "follow the white rabbit" (a Matrix reference), and "I" would enter in "drunken frat boy".

I knew about Autospell, but didn't know you could customize it that way. So thinking I had a virus of some sort, I called up the IT guys. Turns out they were in on it too. Finally the coworker who set it up felt bad for me, so she filled me in. I am constantly looking for people who are as ignorant as I was about Autospell. In fact, I just thought of a couple...

The Love Gram

One of our programmers' wife's younger brothers is in the high school choir. For Valentine's Day just a couple weeks ago they did "Love Grams", where you pay them 5 bucks and they go sing to your Valentine. The programmer in question thought it'd be funny to send one to one of the male graphic designers, but say it was from a male co-worker he shared a cubicle with. So he did.

It was a wonderfully awkward 3 minutes for everyone involved (including the poor high school kids, who weren't sure if it was real or not), other than me and the programmer, who knew about it before hand and made sure a camcorder would be there.

The Tin-foil Wrap

I've seen a lot of companies do this. Basically you wait until someone is on vacation, then wrap their entire office in tin-foil. Here's a pic.

We used to have a ginormous tin foil ball that was the left-overs from this prank. The thing was as big as a beach ball. After a while we decided that everyone who saw it should sign it like it was a high school yearbook, so it was soon covered with inscriptions like 'You're rad. Biology was fun. Call me this summer. C-ya!'.

Yes, this sort of thing is our idea of a good time. I wasn't kidding when I said working in an office takes your sanity away. I wonder where that tinfoil ball is now...

I'll put up a few more later.

If anyone has suggestions or knows of any great office pranks, I beg you to send them my way. It's been a while since the last one and I'm beginning to feel the madness creep up on me...

Adventures in HR

2008-02-27T09:12:00.001-08:00

So the other day I'm giving a job applicant one of our employment assessments. Whenever we do this we use one of the intern computers, as they only work part time. Now, our producer interns are a raucous group of male college students, mostly Marketing and Comm majors. I'm standing there waiting for the computer to boot up, giving the usual spiel about how professional our company is, when the loading finishes, the desktop pops up on the monitor, and the applicant (a pleasant woman applying for an admin asst job) and I both turn to the screen to behold...

Three strapping young men oiled up and wearing naught but Speedos.

It's been a running prank over the past 4 or 5 years for the interns to log on to their fellow intern's computer and change the desktop wallpaper to some sort of homoerotic image while they're gone. While this is a prank I fully support, this was a very, very, bad time.

So there I am, the poor HR shmuck whose job is basically to ensure that no one is ever offended ever, standing with a female job applicant looking at a picture of three men in banana slings. In that horrible split-second of realization I feel a cold sweat break out as every case study and legal briefing I've ever read regarding harassment flashes through my mind, though part of me is laughing as well, completely aware of the humor of the situation.

Fortunately the lady thought it was funny (she was younger and not from Cedar City, which was a stroke of luck [nothing against Cedarians, of course; it just would have been a far worse situation if she had been 30 years older and a local]). Me and the interns had a laugh the next day as I told them the story and asked them not to do it on that particular computer, and the lady now works here, undoubtedly spending hours on end googling wallpapers of male models.

And may I just say, my proudest accomplishment in this post was pulling off the parenthesis-within-the-parenthesis in the above paragraph. I may even attempt the daunting "Triple-parenthesis" in a future post.

Career Fair. Again.

2008-02-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

Had another career fair yesterday. Nothing much to say about it: The Marines were out in force, the Target Entourage clogged the walkway as usual, the presence of Possibility Forge guy was sorely missed, I gravely insulted an extremely nice Chinese foreign exchange student and didn't realize it until later, and had someone claim the new record for Guy With Most Unrelated Major Yet Still Inquiring After Job Possibilities: Digital Forensics.

Good times.

I'm back in the game, baby!

2008-02-19T11:10:00.000-08:00

All right, so after nearly 4 weeks of straight sickness, I think I'm finally over it.

Being sick sucks. It wasn't always this way. When you're younger being sick meant you got to stay home and watch movies. It was like a holiday, only better since everyone else was in class while you were home eating soup and playing Mario Kart. I practically prayed for some sort of ailment to hit me while in elementary school.

Now being sick means lying in bed feeling miserable and not being able to sleep. Mario Kart has been replaced by vapid games of Star Wars: Republican Commander that bring no joy and the soup tastes like ashes in my mouth. Even throwing up doesn't seem to have the same glistening sheen of novelty it did in my youth, though it does leave a glistening sheen on the bathroom floor. Then I come back to a week's worth of e-mail and voice mails, as well as a deep, nagging feeling that I have been cheated in some way.

Oh how I yearn for the sick experience of yesteryear!

Anyways, I'm back now and grateful just to be able to walk and move. And blog. Hopefully there will be more blogging. I really should get back to erasing e-mails though.

Toodles.

p.s.- yes, that is an actual picture of Becks throwing a quilt.

p.p.s.- don't ever type "vomit" into Google's image search unless you are really, really ready to see some gross stuff. Gross and funny.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T12:13:00.001-08:00

I realized something as I was waiting in line with 7 other guys at the flower store today: Women have effectively hijacked Valentine's Day.

Think about it. Valentine's Day is supposed to be the day you show the person you love that you care for them. It's a mutual thing-both genders showing appreciation towards the other. Then how come it's mostly men buying presents for women? I mean, if a man doesn't get something for his wife/girlfriend for Valentine's Day, he's an insensitive jerk. But if a woman doesn't get something for her hubby/boyfriend...so what, she's not supposed to. You don't see sporting goods or electronics stores bringing on extra staff because they're swamped by female present-buyers on Valentine's Day.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about this--I like doing romantic stuff for my wife and she's great at equal opportunity appreciation showing. I'm just pointing out an interesting double standard our society has regarding the genders, of which there are many.

And honestly, I'll take having to be in charge of Valentine's Day over getting paid less money for doing the same job anyday.

Happy Valentine's Day.

What's with the "i before e" rule?

2008-02-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that this neat little spelling limerick is almost completeley bogus?

"'I' before 'e' except after c."

Yeah right. What about their, weird, protein, deity, heir, height, weight, veil, or species?

Forget evolution, the misguided school boards of the bible belt need to work on getting this hoax out of our schools. Mr. J, I demand that you never teach it to your students.

Brian Regan actually has a great bit on this. All I could find was this kid's cartoon, it's still good though. Give it a gander.

This Week's Theme Appears to be "Sick"

2008-02-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

So after taking a week to get over whatever funky virus me and the fam (and apparently half of Utah) had last week, I got food poisoning yesterday.

Which was great. While the virus did well in the areas of fever, burning throat, and abject physical exhaustion, I found it somewhat lacking in vomiting, cold sweat, and sleepless nights. So it was good the food poisoning came up and allowed me to experience the entire spectrum of physical misery. Now if only I can give birth sometime soon...

Anyways, in going along with the theme of this week I've decided to make a quick list of things I am sick of. Feel free to make your own list. In fact, since I've been "tagged" twice in the last week to do blog surveys, I'm tagging you, Sidwell and Tights, to fill out your own sick list*.

Hearing about New York and/or Boston sports teams. No more. The rest of the country doesn't want to hear about the Yankees, Red Sox, Giants, Pats, Celts, or Knicks. Please stop. In fact, after my favorite teams (Cubs, Jazz, Saints), my rooting will automatically go to any team NOT from one of these two cities, even if it means rooting for the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals. Yuck....
The 2008 presidential elections. I actually followed this pretty closely right up till Super Tuesday. While it's great that the Repubs have a candidate, the thought of watching Hill and Bill pull their crap on Obama for another 6 months seriously makes me nauseous.
Credit card offers.
The writer's strike.
The news media spending 2 years severely overcovering a presidential election and the banal minutia of American life while a genocide goes mostly unmentioned. At least we know Britney Spears is crazy though...
Being sick.
Getting more responses from executive recruiters than actual applicants everytime I post a job on CareerBuilder.
U2 not having their new album out yet. Though, considering what happened with Pop, please take as long as you need.
Un-ripe bananas. Seriously, banana, why can't you be ripe? It's the least you can do.
Being so delirious from sickness that I use my blog to express anger at a fruit.

*If you break this chain, not only will your true love NOT kiss you in the next week, you will also be barfed on.

Still sick, but of politics

2008-02-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

How did we get where we are today? Why is it like this?

Why can't people actually discuss the important issues facing the country today? Why does it have to always turn into a breathtaking display of egotism, close-mindedness, and media-programmed prejudices?

For instance, you mention to a Democrat that you don't think the government should support the systematic killing of infants, or to a Republican that you plan to vote for a Democratic candidate. The immediate response is more or less, "What?! Are you crazy? They've gotten to you, haven't they! I don't want anything to do with you, LIBERAL/CONSERVATIVE NUT-JOB!" Why isn't it ever, “Wow. Though I don't agree with that, I know you are a rational person. Please tell me why you feel that way." Has political discourse devolved to such an extent that you can't have a conversation with anyone without immediately being branded a liberal or a conservative? Isn't that too simplistic?

And why do we have the need to devote ourselves to one of the two political parties (and yes, there are only two parties that control our nation), both of which are filled with pettiness, personal ambition, and pursue ulterior motives not aligned with those of the people they supposedly represent? Isn't there something misguided by throwing all your support and trust behind an organization driven by such faulty principles? It just seems to me that most people tend to lose a good deal of objectivity and common sense when they become a Democrat or a Republican. A few illustrations:

Capital Punishment-

The Dems say capital punishment is a barbaric practice that no civilized nation should be a part of. And then they support the wide scale killing of babies. What's missing there?

Welfare and Health Care-

The Reps claim they honor and champion Christian values. In fact, they throw this about like their party has the actual endorsement of Heaven itself. But isn't one of Jesus' most repeated teachings HELP THE POOR? Give to the poor?

Now the faithful Republican will immediately chime in here with "Yeah, but God wants us to be self-sufficient. You have to work for what you get." That's true. And by saying this they are implying that every poor person is poor because they are lazy, stupid, and blow their money on TVs and alcohol. But not us. No, we're rich because we work hard and we're better people. Being born into wealth and privilege had nothing to do with it.

Of course there are some people who will take advantage of charity. Jesus knew this. And He told us to do it anyway. When does He ever say, "Give to the poor, but only the ones who really deserve it. And since you can't tell who they are, better just give that money to the tobacco and gun industries instead"? But isn't this what the Repubs do? Can someone explain that?

There is no way the majority of middle and upper class Americans work harder and more hours than the average honest Mexican immigrant, legal or illegal. No way.

You hear it all the time and I think it's true: If Jesus came back and ran for office, most Republicans would reject him because he doesn't uphold their "conservative Christian values".

Gun Control-

Reps: We need guns! It's in the Constitution! The Founding Fathers specifically wanted US TODAY to have automatic rifles! We need to keep King George out of our homes!

Dems: No guns. Most guns only kill family members of the owner, anyway. Therefore no one should be able to choose whether or not they keep a gun in their house. Americans just aren't responsible enough to make a choice that involves the lives of others. Oh, but abortion? That they can choose.

War-

Again with the Repubs and Christianity: Pre-emptive strikes. Getting them before they get us. Taking revenge on all of radical Islam and the countries that harbor them. Like Iraq.

What happened to "turn the other cheek" and "blessed are the peacemakers"? Richard Gere was booed shortly after 9/11 for suggesting that we needed to forgive and let go of the hate to get on with our lives. Now, I am the last person to suggest that we should be listening to what Hollywood says, but in this situation the celebrity was right. And he got booed. Then Rush Limbaugh replayed the clip so he could deride him. It just seems the people who claim to be "Christian Conservatives" are somewhat selective of which teachings in the Bible they will follow. Kind of like some people with the Qur'an.

Those are just a few that came to mind. Though there are enough hypocrisies in both parties to write a whole book on.

This is what disillusions me the most about politics today: We're so divided, how can anything actually get done? You've got Congressmen getting paid $150K to work 90 days out of the year. When they are working they're so gridlocked by ego and conflicting special interests that we applaud like the parents of a bratty 2-year old who finally lets another kid play with the toy truck if they actually work together and get something done. Meanwhile the rest of the country is busy listening to pontificating blowhards like Limbaugh, Savage, Coulter, and others who make their fortunes by turning us on one another, dividing us into US and THEM--the latte-sipping, tree hugging, NPR-loving, baby-killing liberals or the gun-toting, SUV-driving, fanatical, jingoistic neo-cons. And we willingly divide into these camps, in turn losing all sense of cooperation and appropriateness and becoming as objective and rational as a group of drunken Yankees and Red Sox fans.

Isn't anybody else fed up with this?

As usual, the crass and immature Jon Stewart is the lone voice of reason in this chaotic time.

Sick...

2008-01-25T08:58:00.000-08:00

So the wife and kid have had some sort of funky virus going through them and, as the basic principles of physiology say, it was only a matter of time until I got it.

It's different; very flemmy, headache, and am so sore I feel like I've played basketball non-stop for about a week, only without the endorphins. And I lost every single game.

Also our furnace went out. And the internet. And we found mold in our baby's room. And the Green Bay Packers lost.

When it rains it pours.

Ah, if only I had an irascible old grandfather to read me stories of fencing, fighting, revenge, true love...

How I envy you, young Fred Savage.

Hopefully I can post more when I'm better. Till then...Go Pats.

I know this qualifies me as an insensitive burk, but...

2008-01-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

My first thought on hearing Heath Ledger had died was: Wait, they've finished shooting for The Dark Knight, right?

In other words, the release of the next Batman movie was more of a worry for me than his death.

I know, I'm a jerk. That movie looks really good though.

Sorry Heath. RIP.

Some Actual Questions from an Employment Screening Survey I Demo'd This Morning

2008-01-22T09:22:00.001-08:00

Please check the category that best describes your current use of meth (for example: crank, speed, crystal-meth, ice, chalk, glass, etc.).

Heavy, but controlled

Recreational use only

Very light use (less than 3 or 4 times a year)

Do not use

In the past two years, how often have you had to physically hurt a co-worker to get him/her to leave you alone?

More than 6

3 to 5

Once or twice

Never

If someone insults you he/she is looking is asking for a punch in the mouth or worse.

I strongly agree

I agree

I disagree

I strongly disagree

Aren't these fantastic? And here's the best part: the company rep I talked to says, as amazing as it sounds, about 20% of all people who take this test actually admit to drug use, workplace violence, insurance fraud, etc.

I also love that they provide the various street references for meth, marijuana, and cocaine (i.e. bud, weed, ice, chalk, etc.), thus facilitating a more efficient test experience for the less knowledgeable drug-user.

"'...check the category that best describes my current use of meth...' Meth? What the crap is meth? Oh, they mean crank! In that case, I'd have to say 'Heavy, but controlled.'"

By the way, if you're ever taking this test, the correct answer is always None/Do not use/Strongly Disagree. Just a free tip for you.

Busy

2008-01-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. Things have been pretty crazy lately so I haven't blogged for a while. I'm in charge of a new fitness program at work so that's keeping me pretty busy. On top of that, after a slow November and December recruiting-wise, I suddenly have about 10 jobs I have to fill and each is, of course, "urgent".

A lot of people have told me they think it'd be fun to do the interviewing and hiring for a company. All I can say is, the novelty wears off pretty quick.

I can also say that some people have bad breath. I mean, REALLY bad breath. The type that reaches seeps predatorily through the air unseen, permeating your brain, making it hard to focus on what your next question was going to be and causing you to vacate your office for a good 30 minutes.

It's not all giggles and rainbows, people, let me tell you.

This is also awesome...

2008-01-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

I just came across this on the net:

Apparently it's from a Canadian Daily Show counterpart called This Hour Has 22 Minutes which has a running segment entitled "Talking to Americans". It features a number of ignorant Americans (including a somewhat portly Michael Huckabee) congratulating Canada on the preservation of their "National Igloo". Just watch it and find out.

I think it's terrific that the Canadians are finally striking back.

(And, as a quick side-note, we are rather ignorant of the rest of the world. Especially The Iraq.)

What, me fail English? That's unpossible!

2008-01-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

I saw this on Sorro's page and thought it was interesting. You enter in a blog (or Facebook, MySpace profile, etc.) and it tells you what reading level said blog/profile is at. Apparently my blog is at a college undergraduate reading level.

I'm assuming it's just a basic program that compares the words in your blog against a catalogued list of important-sounding words. If that's the case, I've provided 5 words below that you can cut and paste into your next blog entry and bring it to at least a college reading level.

Chicanery
Malapropism
Antediluvian
Expectorate
Man Boobs

Edit - BTW, I just checked MC Hammer's blog. Elementary School reading level. I'm not kidding.

This is awesome...

2008-01-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

I pulled this from Sorro's friend Rob's blog, who I think I went to high school with. His friend Rob, not the blog, that is.

I was being facetious...

2008-01-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

I've realized something.

I have a different sense of humor, where I say a lot of ridiculous things I don't mean. Seriously, in any given conversation, I only mean 50%* of what I say. That's not the part I've realized, though. What I've realized is there are a lot of people who don't realize I'm being facetious.

While this in itself is kind of funny, I realize I need to do something about it as it has backfired before. A couple examples:

Number 1: After a homecoming dance in college I took my date to a large park set on a hill that happened to overlook WalMart (the same labyrinth of despair I mentioned in a previous post.). Since it was nighttime and the bright lights of said WalMart dominated the view from where we sat on the swings, I said in a wistful tone, "What a romantic view of WalMart...". I'm pretty sure she didn't catch the sarcasm and legitimately thought I thought WalMart was romantic (I didn't realize this until later). Keep in mind we were still in that extremely uncomfortable second/third date, every sentence counts, are-we-going-to-kiss this time? phase. So while it's kind of funny now, it wasn't at the time, I assure you.

Number 2: This one also from a date in college. After a movie we are walking towards my car when we notice fireworks going off in the distance. I suggest climbing on top of my car to get a better look and, while climbing, say to her in a serious voice, "Don't break anything". The joke of course being that "Don't break anything" is something you would say to a young, clumsy kid and my date is obviously mature and coordinated enough to not destroy my car whilst climbing atop it.

Unfortunately she missed my feeble attempt at humor and, as women are wont to do, took it that I was calling her fat. I found this out later through a friend and still feel bad about it.

Though in a way it is also funny.

Anyways, there are more examples; those are just two that have come to mind. I've seen that I need to be more careful about what I say, lest I risk perpetually calling girls fat on accident.

Though, now that I think about it, we've just discovered Reason #31 Why it's Better to Be a Man than a Woman: We don't assume every statement made to us is covertly calling us fat.

*Did you know that 75% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

A new addition to the family...and Christmas too

2007-12-31T12:45:00.001-08:00

I'm happy to announce we have a new addition to our family. A new pet? Nope. Far more useful. A new baby? Nope. Way more horsepower. Allow me to introduce...

The Black Hood.

We've wanted just an old, reliable, semi-beatup pickup truck for a while. One that could haul stuff around and serve as a second vehicle when the need arose (it's too cold to ride Pepe in the winter, thus the need has arose), and Black Hood was the answer. We got him from a gangster kid up in Layton who had had him for about a year but wanted a more intimidating car. Apparently Honda Civics provide the aspiring gangster with a degree of street cred the Ford Ranger just can't.

We currently call him The Black Hood, though I am looking for a different name, maybe one that doesn't sound like an unimaginative pro-wrestler from the 70's. I would love any suggestions you might have. I kind of like "The Flying Dutchman".

Oh yeah, and remind me someday to write a post on how funny it is for a kid from any Utah town to be a gangster. Except maybe for my homeboys in West Valley. And a couple places in Ogden. Word.

Anyways, Christmas was a lot of fun. We didn't take many pics, so here are the three I thought would be most interesting on a blog. Don't get your hopes up though.

Here are Grandma and Grandpa subjecting their dog to the barbaric and inhumane practice of dressing her up in a little doggy Santa suit. Notice Katie's apathy to the gruesome scene.

I should probably mention that I was the one who bought the little doggy Santa suit.

Here are Katie and I walking in a winter wonderland. She let us hike for about 5 minutes before whining so bad we had to go home.

A broader view of the aforementioned winter wonderland. I told you not to get your hopes up.

Wishing you and yours a happy Festivus season

2007-12-23T19:42:00.001-08:00

Something I noticed today while ringing a bell in front of Wal-Mart for a half-hour...

2007-12-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

Here it is: No one leaves Wal-Mart happy.

Serious. Not one person during the 30 minutes I stood at the entrance left with even a flicker of hope or merriment on their face.

A few people enter happy, but something in there must squash it out of them, for a morose expression rests upon the visage of all who depart. This expression ranges in intensity from a mild 'Whew, I'm glad that's over with,' to a more serious 'I need to get out of this place as soon as possible, where's my car?' all the way down to the chilling scowl of 'I hate you and everyone around me. But most of all I hate my own life, which has become as dismal and empty as the heartless corporation I've just supported.'

Just something I noticed.